Author SmokeRat Posted April 23, 2013 Author Posted April 23, 2013 Sadly no can do Chief 2sunny. It'll be a quick visit to drop off the papers, and then it's off to work . Chief felt sorry for me, or at least wanted to stop my constant phone calls to the Hall, and is putting me on a night shift. Persistence. For. The. Win. It'll be hard seeing her, especially since she just got out of the hospital again for her diabetes. I can at least be civil with her, and I am still very empathetic to her disease.
BeholdtheMan Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 Call me crazy. I hate my wife and her OM. Hate is a strong word, and I normally save it for drunk drivers, and arsonists. But I do hate her, I hate her for lying to me and abusing my good nature. Crazy part is this, if she called me today, and made an actual plea to work this out, that she was actually attending counselling and was make an effort, I'd be inclined to help her. And I know that's crazy.Nope, it ain't crazy, it's just weak and pathetic, and your wife would view it as weak and pathetic. I use such strong terms because I feel like you need to be jolted out of your self-pity party. In short, you need to start showing some strength. Focus your anger into something productive like motivation to improve your current situation. Don't wallow in bitterness. You don't need that woman in your life. She's a cheater with zero respect for you. Stop thinking about her. Start working on yourself. Set goals for yourself. Sooner or later you need to start meeting new women. You really have to force yourself out of your shell. But I can't change the fundamentals of what makes me, me.I don't believe being weak and clingy is fundamentally you. You need to rise above mental weakness, conquer it. You can still be a kind and honourable person without clinging to those who don't deserve your affection. You had a FANTASY of your wife as this perfect woman. That fantasy is NOT REAL. It was shattered and that's causing you pain. The key to ending the pain is to accept reality (you deserve a better woman), not to dwell on the shattered remnants of your fantasy. If you continue to cling to your wife, you sacrifice not only your future happiness, but also your dignity. 1
Author SmokeRat Posted April 23, 2013 Author Posted April 23, 2013 While I do agree somewhat, with the weak and pathetic part, my STBXW would never consider those traits that I have. I do have a small amount of self-pity, that much I will admit. But I do keep it in check, and only let it out on these forums. Outside of the internets, it's not even a consideration. My bitterness not only comes from what my wife did, and her MOM, but from the way they carried about it. Cheat on me, that's fine, but don't hide it or lie about it. Own it and make a choice. But they are both cake eaters, so it's doubtful they would have the stones to make a choice like that. One of things that bothered me most about her long term affair, is her complaint about me having such a lack of empathy for the world, and a lack of empathy for her. That train of thought made my head spin around, since even after catching her the first time, I wanted to work on the marriage and continue to care for her. But today is the last day, signing the divorce papers this afternoon and then I guess that's it. I bought a Gold Fish, named Fish, and I suppose he can be the creature I can take care of. He doesn't say much, but he listens.
2sunny Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 I think when she stated the lack of empathy and lack for others - she was referring to herself, not you.
Author SmokeRat Posted April 23, 2013 Author Posted April 23, 2013 You'd think that, but she was refering to me. My lack of empathy for his sickness. My ability to grow frustrated and angry with her, when she wasn't taking care of herself.
Praying4Peace Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 Smoke Rat- From reading your posts you seem like any woman's dream come true. She took you for granted- big time. But one thing she doesn't realize is that her new guy will never take care of her the way you did (I doubt he is capable). And she's USED to that even though she doesn't know it. She'll realize this one day when the honeymoon period wears off. And if she does do NOT take her back. There are plenty of sweet, kind, beautiful, good looking women with hearts of gold that will treat you like you're worth and they deserve a chance with you. Hear that? There are people who deserve to be with someone like you and when you heal you'll find one and please come back here to report back : ) Take care, P4P ps- for gods sakes you're a FIREFIGHTER- where's your confidence dude?
Author SmokeRat Posted April 23, 2013 Author Posted April 23, 2013 I can assure you, I'm no 'womans dream come true' haha, although I appreciate that. Turns out, that I will not have to see her 5 weeks now, my paralegal informed that I can just come in and pay for the papers, and she'll have them fast tracked. More so, if my STBXW and I go in together to sign the papers, it'll cut a few months off. My paralegal is a little worried that if I serve my STBXW with the papers, she wont sign and will drag the process on longer than expected. I've been trying to heal for years, since the intial incident, but the continual lying, gaslighting and blame shifting hindered that process. I'm in what I'd like to think is an emotional flux. There are moments where I am indifferent, to elated, then right back down to rage, hatred and resentment. Then there are days like today, when I just stood in the shower for as long as I could stand the cold water, and wept. I'm a soon to be divorced individual, and where I live there is a social stigma against people who are divorced, as if we're broken, tainted individuals. Most women where I live, want the brand new, fresh off the lot successful man with all the fixings. But such is life in the big city I suppose haha.
BeholdtheMan Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 While I do agree somewhat, with the weak and pathetic part, my STBXW would never consider those traits that I have.OK good, make sure she never show these traits in front of her I do have a small amount of self-pity, that much I will admit. But I do keep it in check, and only let it out on these forums. Outside of the internets, it's not even a consideration.This is good to hear. This forum is the place for you to vent, an outlet for negativity. Outside the internet, think positive, constructive thoughts. My bitterness not only comes from what my wife did, and her MOM, but from the way they carried about it. Cheat on me, that's fine, but don't hide it or lie about it. Own it and make a choice. But they are both cake eaters, so it's doubtful they would have the stones to make a choice like that.Yeah...sadly their are plenty of ppl like that in this world If only ppl had the courage to divorce/break up if they wanted to have sex with ppl outside their relationship. I think the majority of ppl are cowards in this regard and would rather have their cake and eat it...but there are ppl out there with greater moral character. They're just harder to find. One of things that bothered me most about her long term affair, is her complaint about me having such a lack of empathy for the world, and a lack of empathy for her. That train of thought made my head spin around, since even after catching her the first time, I wanted to work on the marriage and continue to care for her.Well, she took the coward's path. Instead of confronting you about it or divorcing you, she cheated on you. Cheating is never the only option. Your lack of empathy may have provided an excuse for her to cheat, but make no mistake...you are not morally responsible for her cheating. Your lack of empathy may have affected the quality of your marrige, BUT she's completely at fault for cheating. She made the decision to cheat instead of communicating/divorcing. But today is the last day, signing the divorce papers this afternoon and then I guess that's it.I'm very glad that you're moving on in such a definitive way. Good luck with your new life. Chin up mate, the world is big and full opportunities to meet women more deserving of your love than your cheating ex-wife
Author SmokeRat Posted April 23, 2013 Author Posted April 23, 2013 (edited) The odd thing was, there was never a lack of empathy. EVER. I cared for her, hand and foot, during all her illnesses. But there were times I was stern with her, such as her going out drinking. Diabetic + alcohol = bad evening. I would help her take her insulin, constantly check her sugars and TRY to get her to exercise. She'd get at least 4 hours a day, of body massages, as it helped her neuropathy. Couple that with her running her baths, and helping make dinner. Was I angry sometimes that she would let herself go, health wise, if I forgot to check her sugars? Damn right I would be. But it wasn't anger out of hatred, or wanting to inflict harm. It was anger out of fear and compassion. What were her sugars? Is she going to go into DKA? Is her liver going to hold out much longer? Things like that. It was a weight I was happy and proud to carry, I was the man who supported and cared for her. I wore that prouder and lounder than any firefighter badge I've had the honour of wearing. Despite being a loud and proud firefighter, my locker didn't have nearly nude ladies posted on it like most of the guys (and some girls haha), it had little notes she wrote me, and pictures of her sleeping or reading on the couch. I would kiss each picture before being deployed on a call. Empathy, is something I am never short of. There isn't a firefighter, police officer, paramedic, nurse or doctor that is short on empathy, it's what drives us. Edited April 23, 2013 by SmokeRat
Snowflower Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 I cared for her, hand and foot, during all her illnesses. But there were times I was stern with her, such as her going out drinking. Diabetic + alcohol = bad evening. I would help her take her insulin, constantly check her sugars and TRY to get her to exercise. She'd get at least 4 hours a day, of body massages, as it helped her neuropathy. Couple that with her running her baths, and helping make dinner. Smoke, from where I sit, your marriage sounded very unhealthy largely because your wife was so unhealthy, physically and emotionally. I know plenty of diabetics who manage their sugars, take their insulin and take care of themselves without the help of their SO. Your wife was completely dependent on you to do this when she should have/could have taken care of it herself. Sure, you could have helped her with her insulin shots when you were home or exercised with her or whatever. THAT is what a good spouse does. But you were basically holding her hand through it all. She is a grown woman and I am assuming that her diabetes was not new to her. Don't you see how unhealthy it is for her to have you do that much for her disease? Yes, I know you wanted to. You are a good man and you did it gladly. However, you were doing too much for her and she took advantage of it. Bottom line: she should be taking care of her own physical well-being and managing her diabetes by herself. The fact that she wasn't speaks of her dysfunction. And sorry to say, it speaks a little of your poor boundaries with her. I do not mean this cruelly, please believe that. I just want you to start to see the realities of what your marriage to her really was. 2
Author SmokeRat Posted April 23, 2013 Author Posted April 23, 2013 The issue was, because he her neglect years and years before me, her body wasn't able to really handle the disease without the constant help of someone. There were plenty evenings when I was offshift and happily in dream land, where I'd wake up suddenly and notice that her body temperature had dropped. Every time, it meant she was either DKA or about to go DKA. And she wouldn't have the strength to even hold her head up. I'd be there. Private ventilator, private IV drip and all that jazz. By the time I got her to the hospital the nurses didn't even need to hook her up with NaCl, already had it covered. Yes, she should have been taking care of herself. Her parents, my parents and mutual friends all said the same thing. I did everything that a good, honest husband should do. I took care of her, through better and worse, sickness and health. As her husband, I have no problem throwing my boundries aside, we're married there should never be boundries. But she had boundries all over the place, and perhaps thats when I should have noticed red flags. Now, she has her MOM helping take care of her from time to time, when he can sneak away from his wife. I worry about her constantly, if she's healthy, are her sugars ok? As much as I hate her, I would never wish the disease to claim her, although that is the very reality of the situation given her condition. I wanted to be the man there, holding her hand when that happened. I wanted her to know, that despite her condition, someone loved her so deeply that it didn't matter. People have told me that I should be happy for her, if she's truely happy with the MOM. But I disagree. I cannot be happy for someone, who's very happiness comes at the expense of others misery and depression.
bosunmate Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 SmokeRat I wish you would stop using the word hate. We both know that you would take a bullet for her anytime. It is such a negative word and I believe its not going to help you heal. And you have said so many times in this thread. I am sorry you are hurting so, and wish the best for you.
Author SmokeRat Posted April 23, 2013 Author Posted April 23, 2013 No, hate is the proper word to describe some of my feelings towards her and the OM. Negative words for a negative situation. And I'd take a bullet for anyone, even the OM. I'd have selfish reasons for doing so, but I still would.
waterwoman Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 Oh smokerat, I am so sorry. I can't beleive how much you have been through. Good luck x Are you concerned about how she will maintain her health now? It sounds as if she is incapable of doing it alone.
2sunny Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 Empathy is a good trait - but not if it's out of balance. A healthy relationship involves equal giving AND receiving. A therapist can help you obtain that healthy balance - but you need insight - so that you just don't pick a new gal again that needs to be rescued. 2
Author SmokeRat Posted April 24, 2013 Author Posted April 24, 2013 And during our dating, engagement and subsequent marriage, I figured the give and take ratio was off due to her health. Plenty of days she couldn't even get out of bed. Everyone has seen a Golden Retriever when it's given a task, and it does a good job. That dog is the happiest afterwards when it's master says 'good boy' and give a head pat. That was me, I retrieved the ball, all I wanted was a 'good boy' and a head pat. I figure once I get a better place, I'm going to go and buy a Golden Retriever that I can give all my love. 3
screwedovertwenty Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 And during our dating, engagement and subsequent marriage, I figured the give and take ratio was off due to her health. Plenty of days she couldn't even get out of bed. Everyone has seen a Golden Retriever when it's given a task, and it does a good job. That dog is the happiest afterwards when it's master says 'good boy' and give a head pat. That was me, I retrieved the ball, all I wanted was a 'good boy' and a head pat. I figure once I get a better place, I'm going to go and buy a Golden Retriever that I can give all my love. If you adopt a dog in need, you will be saving a life!
Author SmokeRat Posted April 24, 2013 Author Posted April 24, 2013 Now that just means I need to go and adopt a dog, and then go out a buy a Goldie too. Going to need a bigger place.
screwedovertwenty Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Now that just means I need to go and adopt a dog, and then go out a buy a Goldie too. Going to need a bigger place. You can adopt a golden! There are Golden Retriever rescue groups! Look at petfinder.com!
Act Two Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 I have a Golden Retriever puppy who is making me CRAZY!! If the kids wouldn't be upset I'd ship him to you in a heartbeat. Seriously, though, I hope you get a place soon where you feel comfortable and can get a dog.
Artie Lang Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 now i'm really confused. i thought this OM went back to his marriage. is this affair still ongoing? i mean..... he was married, right?
Author SmokeRat Posted April 24, 2013 Author Posted April 24, 2013 He is still married and his wife has buried her head in the sand, which is a complete 180 from what she was doing when we were in contact about my STBXW and her husband. Who knows what happened. But my old neighbour mentioned that he saw them together recently relaxing in the back yard.
Artie Lang Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 (edited) holy ****! wtf is up with that! you better believe it's still going on. yet you still feel bad for her??? Edited April 24, 2013 by Artie Lang
Spark1111 Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 holy ****! wtf is up with that! you better believe it's still going on. yet you still feel bad for her??? Artie is making a good point here, Smokie.
Author SmokeRat Posted April 24, 2013 Author Posted April 24, 2013 I do still feel bad for her. It's a horrible disease, and despite what she and McDouchelle Douche, have done and are still doing, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I know she just got out of the hospital recently (again), but her mother has been there caring for her. I can't just turn the empathy off, even if I do try.
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