Losing my mind, or so it seems

[krazikat]

And what I'm not good enough?

 

All I asked for the emotional and physical attention that a spouse deserves.

 

You know what I was called when I'd grab her in the kitchen everyone in a while?

 

A pig. All I wanted was sex.

 

A pig, a pervert.

 

All because I only had eyes for my wife. She as the most attractive creature on this planet. The site of her made me happy, her smell every morning was intoxicating.

 

She was the only woman that could arouse me, and all I wanted was for her to actually enjoy physical interactions with me.

 

Instead she'd call them a chore, or an 'obligation'.

 

SmokeRat,

 

I am so sorry you are hurting, so sorry you are going thru this. You sound like you took care of and loved your wife, and there are so many wonderful women out there who would love a man like you.

 

I know it is hard now, I can't imagine. But what I do know from what I have read of your situation, your wife did not deserve you. She is broken, she has issues, you do not need to beat yourself up over this. This is not your fault.

 

Take care of yourself, take advantage of this time off to do you. What do you enjoy doing? What are your interests? Join a boxing gym, beat the ish out of a punching bag. Check out local scenery, go on a trip. Get a massage, or two, or ten! Find some good books. Drink water, not alcohol. When you start thinking about your wife, force her from your mind. Instead think of yourself and what you need. This situation, as hard as it is right now, gives you the opportunity to start over, to find and love you, and then you will find one of those women who will love and cherish you and be faithful to you, greatful everyday that you are you.

 

Stop beating yourself up. Put down the liqueur, make an action plan all about you. Say goodbye to the house, that is your past. You can get a new dog, one that is just yours. Start over. From this point on, focus on your future. Take some classes,community colleges offer classes on just about anything. Start a blog to write about your journey to you. You absolutely have to let this anger go, it will only hold you down. Yes, this is effed up, but Smoke, YOU DESERVE BETTER. Say it with me...you deserve ****ing better.

[Spark1111]

I did not asking for ****ing much out of my marriage.

 

Was a really that much of an *******, for wanting my wife to sleep with me? You know after I would get done a shift, and I'd want to connect with her? It's not like I'd finish and get up and go and watch ****ing football, or expect a god damn sandwich!

 

All I would want to do is crawl into bed, feel her, be with her. And then cuddle after, maybe cry if I had a really bad day.

 

Was that too much to ****ing ask?

 

Equity is already bought out. Divorce will be final in 4-5 months.

 

I don't even care about the bed and all that ****, yes it bothers me somewhat, but it's the lies. It's the lack of intimacy. It's the emasculation that she inflicted on me.

 

I'm a fire fighter, but for christ sake, I'm human too. I need attention, I need love. I get all those things from the people I work with and the community I serve. But when I get home, and the uniform comes off, I'm still a fire fighter, but I'm a fire fighter that needs his wife. That wants to feel her actually touch him.

 

She never liked to touch me, and I figured it was just because of her health issues.

 

We are all human. We all want love and to be desired....to be held and cherished and touched.

 

Smokie, you married the wrong woman. Tomorrow is the next best day to start being the best man that you could be....so someday, in the future...you will be ready to meet the right woman.

 

you have work to do friend. Grieve, yes....but get busy making you the best you there can be.

[2sunny]

From another thread you said:

 

This is the 14th or 15th (?), time I have stated that I apologized and owned that I could have.

 

I will not reiterate this point any further.

 

Every department is different, every firefighter is different. Some like me, make firefighting their life. It isn't just career, it's a way of life. I live, breath and sweat everything to do with it.

 

It's an all consuming career, hence why I do everything I feasible can outside of my scheduled shift to apply myself into different fields of Fire and Rescue.

 

I already said my excuse, tunnel vision. I get it, I hyperfocus on the task at hand.

 

 

 

I see what part of the problem is - you desperately need a variety of interests and hobies (including an artistice outlet for release of yours emotions) - to diversify your life and to have things of interest to tak with people about.

 

Find a way to explore art, exercise and volunteer!

 

Find ways to be fulfilled outside of just work!!!

[drifter777]

I did not asking for ****ing much out of my marriage.

 

Was a really that much of an *******, for wanting my wife to sleep with me? You know after I would get done a shift, and I'd want to connect with her? It's not like I'd finish and get up and go and watch ****ing football, or expect a god damn sandwich!

 

All I would want to do is crawl into bed, feel her, be with her. And then cuddle after, maybe cry if I had a really bad day.

 

Was that too much to ****ing ask?

 

Equity is already bought out. Divorce will be final in 4-5 months.

 

I don't even care about the bed and all that ****, yes it bothers me somewhat, but it's the lies. It's the lack of intimacy. It's the emasculation that she inflicted on me.

 

I'm a fire fighter, but for christ sake, I'm human too. I need attention, I need love. I get all those things from the people I work with and the community I serve. But when I get home, and the uniform comes off, I'm still a fire fighter, but I'm a fire fighter that needs his wife. That wants to feel her actually touch him.

 

She never liked to touch me, and I figured it was just because of her health issues.

 

I truly hope that blowing off steam will help you sleep tonight. Do it as much and often as you want - that's what LS is here for. Things always look worse at night. Get some sleep and in the morning you might want to re-read some of the advice offered and at least consider some of it.

[2sunny]

Alcohol is a depressant. Best to stay away from it if you can.

 

It accelerated my depression and nearly killed me after my divorce.

[AnotherRound]

I did not asking for ****ing much out of my marriage.

 

Was a really that much of an *******, for wanting my wife to sleep with me? You know after I would get done a shift, and I'd want to connect with her? It's not like I'd finish and get up and go and watch ****ing football, or expect a god damn sandwich!

 

All I would want to do is crawl into bed, feel her, be with her. And then cuddle after, maybe cry if I had a really bad day.

 

Was that too much to ****ing ask?

 

Equity is already bought out. Divorce will be final in 4-5 months.

 

I don't even care about the bed and all that ****, yes it bothers me somewhat, but it's the lies. It's the lack of intimacy. It's the emasculation that she inflicted on me.

 

I'm a fire fighter, but for christ sake, I'm human too. I need attention, I need love. I get all those things from the people I work with and the community I serve. But when I get home, and the uniform comes off, I'm still a fire fighter, but I'm a fire fighter that needs his wife. That wants to feel her actually touch him.

 

She never liked to touch me, and I figured it was just because of her health issues.

 

There are many men in this world who are in relationships that lack emotional or physical intimacy - exactly as you described it. Good on you that you stuck it out and didn't have an affair yourself - but I also can see why you are so upset that she withheld these things from you but was giving them to someone else. That is effed up... and I have NO idea why she did that. Did she tell you why? Or try to give you any kind of reason as to why she thought marriage shouldn't include emotional or physical intimacy? (and, I hope that nobody says to you that you weren't treating her "right" and that's probably why she kept those things back, but they do say that sometimes around these boards, so if they do, disregard - healthy marriages include emotional and physical intimacy!)

 

It's an unfair situation, you're right. She has been deceitful and taken advantage of you, you are absolutely right. She does not "deserve" to come out on top with this one - you are RIGHT. But at the end of the day - this is how it landed, these are the cards that you have been dealt by the universe. So now what?

 

Anger isn't a bad emotion, it can propel you forward - and I'm really hopeful that this is what will happen for you. You have every right to be angry - most anybody would be in your shoes. But again, now what?

 

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." - Buddha

[Jonah]

I hope that you don't mind me joining in your wonderful rant Smokerat!

 

So many of you know my story, no need to rehash.

 

Oh yes I do know your story! I have lived it! Quite a large club you belong to now.

 

I'm out on my own now, have my own place, a little hole in the wall down by the part district of the city I live in.

 

You have the world in the palm of your hands!

 

 

I hate it, it's just somewhere I sleep when I can't sleep at the firehall, mostly due to shift changes.

 

As long as you are getting good sleep... that is important.

 

 

I've been 'forced' into a long vacation from work, since someone up in HR noticed that I didn't take any vacation time last year, and now I have to use it up this year. As in now. So I'm off work for a month.

 

One has to wonder if this forced vacation has come to you right now for a reason.

 

 

 

They ****ing did everything for her. What the **** do I get?

 

Everything you need to live your life. And your freedom!

 

I miss my wife so much.

 

Longing. This is good... It might be a reach right now, but I encourage you to use this as a way to find inside of yourself where this longing is coming from. Is it for your wife that you long? Could it be only the comforts that she brought into you life? We all want to be loved.

 

She's so happy without me, she got everything she wanted. The house, the dog, all her family and friends.

 

This is good. Consider the alternative, that her life spirals downhill and there would be nothing you could do about it. With your wife ok, you can go on ahead with your life. If she were in need, with "the rescuer" in your DNA would have forced you to provide time and resources into vain attempts to help her, only to see her end up in the gutter or dead.

 

If this helps... There was a time that I was in your exact place as you. Living in a dump, supporting my WS and her guy and hating her, wishing she would die. I had since pumped $$$$$ and much time in helping her over a span of decades. Even after she gave me custody of the kids I continued to help her financially. Giving her cars, paying her bills. I might has well have taken all that time and money and thrown it into one or your house fires. ...just a few weeks ago she got out of jail and is now homeless. I can't help her. There is nothing I can do.

 

You know this will change, your wife will meet her challenges. She will suffer. If you get to see that, as human there may be a seed of gleeful vengeance that is glad, but it would be eclipsed by compassion.

 

What the **** do I got? Great, I'm ****ing firefighter. Good for me. There's tons of us.

 

You have a job... as long as you have that you have the world too. You know that. But you aren't saying it. You should say it.

 

I miss it all so much. I haven't left my apartment in two weeks, I'm just so angry.

 

You are going through changes. It would help if you would let go of some of that ego and get yourself into some therapy which you can hope will guide these changes into a positive direction.

 

I went by the house today to grab something I left in the shed, my prize MS192T chainsaw. She wasn't home, I wish she was. I would have begged, I know I would have.

 

And I don't care. I just want things to be normal again.

 

The norm got pretty ugly and the end there. Heck it was ugly all the while, you just weren't aware of it. You are glad that is over with... right?

 

I'm sorry for dumping this all on you, it's not your problem.

 

Your posts help all of us here Smokerat.

 

-Jonah

[Furious]

SM

 

The release of your anger and sorrow is a good thing. Sometimes you don't want advice but just to howl at the moon.

 

Today is a new day, you've had your vent. It's Sunday, get out for a walk or run. Get some fresh groceries, eat and drink healthy. Call up your close family and friends, spend some time with those that love and care for you.

 

Be good to yourself.

[TheOW]

I havent read all the responses.

 

Move away you are a brave firefighter you can get a job anywhere.

 

Start afresh somewhere, start living your life again. You are still on leave ? Go for an adventure on ur own trust me it will do wonders.

 

When I was 19 after a bad break-up I buggered off to Asia and travelled around for a few months it was amazing and I realised that i enjoyed my own company more than I did others.

 

If I didnt have my beautiful kids I would have done the same again this time round.

[Spark1111]

Smoke Rat, we'd like to hear from you.

 

How are you doing TODAY?

[SmokeRat]

I'm alive today, so that is something to celebrate I suppose.

 

Before I became a firefighter, I was a BCM Arborist and to this day, I still keep my certificates up to date.

 

So I went out today to work on my Grandmothers' farm and spent the day cutting down and climbing her River Willows. Just walked in to my place as I am writing this.

 

I made some ridiculous money today for the work that I did, but you know what? Doesn't mean ****.

 

I'm still sitting here alone, eating a cold dinner (because my microwave broke). My Grandmother was in tears for most of the day, because she felt so betrayed by my STBXW, and that just about sent me over the edge.

 

It's one thing to lay an attack on me, but no one messes with SmokeRats' Grandma.

 

It was just so heart wrenching because my Grandmother put so much effort into my STBXW. Took her shopping, on small mini-vacations, and things like that. My Grandma worshiped the ground my STBXW walked on.

 

I'm still as angry as I was yesterday, and I figure I'm going to be for a good long time.

 

Such is life I suppose.

 

I hope my STBXW ****ing enjoys her nice house, my little adorable Pug, and a shower that actually pipes in hot water. But the truth is, I know she enjoys those things, that's why she ended up getting together with me in the first place.

 

I was simply a means to an end.

[Furious]

Yes, you'll be angry for some time.

 

In the meantime start making plans and saving to get out of that apartment that's depressing you further. The sooner you get a nicer place you'll feel better.

 

You own your life from now on, and it's up to you to move forward or stay stuck in the past. It's not easy, but you start with one step at a time, one day at a time, one goal at a time.

[2sunny]

Is there anyone you know that has a nice house (and maybe a dog) that wants to rent a room to you?

 

Start asking around!

 

For me, I just like having someone around when I'm home - I like other energy in my environment (especially a dog) - when it's positive energy in a house I just dig it! Ya know, like when you plant some flowers or mow the yard - and someone states how great it is that you did that.

 

I hope you'll consider checking around - it would be better than a depressing little apartment. Now's the right time to check and possibly move since you have time off work.

 

Lots of people have a house that's plenty big- and wouldn't mind a few extra bucks each month.

[Richard Friedman]

Heh. Just me thankful you're in good health bro. Not rotting away like her. Fitting that the body is as diseased as the mind eh. Your problem was putting all of your happiness in another person. We can only control ourselves...and why a man who takes care of everything puts up with no sex from the wife is beyond me...

[96nole]

Yes, you'll be angry for some time.

 

In the meantime start making plans and saving to get out of that apartment that's depressing you further. The sooner you get a nicer place you'll feel better.

 

You own your life from now on, and it's up to you to move forward or stay stuck in the past. It's not easy, but you start with one step at a time, one day at a time, one goal at a time.

Smoky

What Furious said above can't be any more true. You're already depressed. That apartment is making it worse. It's too small and it sounds like it's in disrepair. Get someplace nicer. One you can be proud of.

 

When you're feeling your worst, go take a walk. If the immediate area is not conducive to a peaceful walk, go to a local park. It helped me. Just don't stay holed up in that apartment.

 

Regarding your ex wife. She was never who you thought she was. Keep saying that to yourself.

 

Everything she has, is just stuff that would have reminded you of her. You are now cleansed of it.

 

She lied to you. She betrayed you. She disrespected you. She used you and your family. She is dishonorable. She is not deserving of a man like you. And certainly not worth of a man like yourself to beg back.

[Spark1111]

Smokie, these people, if not forced to change, will continue to be the perpetual victim.....damsels and dumsels in distress.

 

It grows old after awhile. That's why they need to ratchet up the drama every chance they get. They like the attention...big time. It's how they keep getting into these messes. Andwhen they burnout the old friends, they need to make new to continue the supply of attention.

 

So, very respectfully, I tell you that living well is the best revenge you could possibly enact.

 

get started. today.

[SmokeRat]

Call me crazy.

 

I hate my wife and her OM. Hate is a strong word, and I normally save it for drunk drivers, and arsonists.

 

But I do hate her, I hate her for lying to me and abusing my good nature.

 

Crazy part is this, if she called me today, and made an actual plea to work this out, that she was actually attending counselling and was make an effort, I'd be inclined to help her. And I know that's crazy. But I can't change the fundamentals of what makes me, me.

 

I've always been the white knight, even in school. From a young age my mother can remember me standing up the bullies and making them back down. She remembers be emulating the thought process and code of Knights and whatnot. My father saw this as a healthy thought process and started to train it into my brain at a very young age.

 

He always told me to stand up for those weaker than myself, and never feel bad for bringing down rightful justice on those that did wrong. Which, as you can imagine made things difficult for my teachers, as I had no issues calling out people for fisticuffs who would pick on those not in the 'popular' crowd. Or those that would tease and belittle others.

 

It's ingrained, and I doubt anything short of reprogramming my brain will eliminate it.

 

Last night, while still be beyond angry at my STBXW, I cried. Not because of what I lost, but because I'm so worried about her health.

 

Who is going to be there if she goes DKA? Is she checking her sugars properly? Is her eyesight getting any better? Who's giving her body rubs that help with the body pains?

 

It's not my problem anymore, I know, but if things could change, if she could love me again and be true, I would gladly place that weight back on my shoulders. In a heart beat.

 

My parents, friends and family tell me that somewhere out in the world, is a woman who will see me as her White Knight, but will be honest, loyal and just. She will appreciate and love me.

 

As much as I want to agree with them, given the state of the world and this 'me, me me' society, I think I would be better suited to the 13-14th century =p.

[Spark1111]

I get it. I rescued strays, animals and people, my whole life.

 

It is time to become your own White Knight. It is time to rescue yourself, worry about yourself, and nurture yourself.

 

That is a hard lesson to learn, but all the best Knights know it. If you are not mentally, physically and emotionally at YOUR STRONGEST, you cannot truly have the resources to help others.

 

And some of the emotionally strongest people I know are confident enough to be vulnerable and freely shed a tear when necessary.

 

No shame in that. None at all.

[SmokeRat]

I'll call myself crazy then haha.

 

I do miss her looks, even when she was ill. I was the only person that would sit in the hospital with her, brush her hair, and tell her that she was beautiful. Honestly, she did look like death walking, but she was my wife, I was in love with her and by the Fire God's she was going to know that I still felt she was attractive.

 

Also noted, she was always warm. Which meant during the night when I was cold, I could snuggle up to her and she'd be a heating blanket.

 

I suppose I miss the companionship that was stolen from me, and given away to a douche bag.

 

By my nature I'm a servant and pleaser. My family says in my past life I must have been a Golden Retriever, which is fine, because those animals are probably the most loving dog birthed on this planet.

 

Now don't get me wrong, by servant, I mean I take pleasure to attending to the needs of others. But I know when to draw the line, for the most part. My relationship with my wife, not being a shining example of that.

 

Despite all my hate, rage and anger, I worry about her constantly. I worry about my dog, is she feeding her enough, taking her on long walks like she needs? Things like that.

 

Maybe this is a good thing, but I've had a few women want to care for me. Be the shoulder that I need. But I know they are just a female version of me, they want to 'fix' me.

 

I've been nice enough I suppose, to tell these women that I'm not able to handle that kind of relationship, that it's not fair to them and at the present, I am rather broken. That's a gift I gave them, that I wish my STBXW gave me when I first proposed to her.

[Snowflower]

How's it going, SmokeRat?

 

There is excellent advice on this thread. Have you gone back to re-read it at all?

 

I agree with the person who said that your mandatory time off right now is a good thing. I think it is a sign from the universe that you need to slow down, reassess, and reevaluate your life. Otherwise, I'm sure you would have just thrown yourself into your job as an escape of sorts, right?

 

Like other posters mentioned, take this time to find yourself some new digs. Someplace you will be comfortable and proud to go home to. An uncomfortable place that is in disrepair would depress even the happiest individual after all...

 

Get a dog of your own if you can! Its obvious you love dogs and miss the pug you had so if at all possible, find a place to live where you can also have a dog. Think about it: a dog will give you something to take care of which is such a part of your personality, a dog will be so happy to see you when you come home, and unlike cheating spouses, dogs are loyal!

Edited April 22, 2013 by Snowflower

[AnotherRound]

Call me crazy.

 

I hate my wife and her OM. Hate is a strong word, and I normally save it for drunk drivers, and arsonists.

 

But I do hate her, I hate her for lying to me and abusing my good nature.

 

Crazy part is this, if she called me today, and made an actual plea to work this out, that she was actually attending counselling and was make an effort, I'd be inclined to help her. And I know that's crazy. But I can't change the fundamentals of what makes me, me.

 

I've always been the white knight, even in school. From a young age my mother can remember me standing up the bullies and making them back down. She remembers be emulating the thought process and code of Knights and whatnot. My father saw this as a healthy thought process and started to train it into my brain at a very young age.

 

He always told me to stand up for those weaker than myself, and never feel bad for bringing down rightful justice on those that did wrong. Which, as you can imagine made things difficult for my teachers, as I had no issues calling out people for fisticuffs who would pick on those not in the 'popular' crowd. Or those that would tease and belittle others.

 

It's ingrained, and I doubt anything short of reprogramming my brain will eliminate it.

 

Last night, while still be beyond angry at my STBXW, I cried. Not because of what I lost, but because I'm so worried about her health.

 

Who is going to be there if she goes DKA? Is she checking her sugars properly? Is her eyesight getting any better? Who's giving her body rubs that help with the body pains?

 

It's not my problem anymore, I know, but if things could change, if she could love me again and be true, I would gladly place that weight back on my shoulders. In a heart beat.

 

My parents, friends and family tell me that somewhere out in the world, is a woman who will see me as her White Knight, but will be honest, loyal and just. She will appreciate and love me.

 

As much as I want to agree with them, given the state of the world and this 'me, me me' society, I think I would be better suited to the 13-14th century =p.

 

For some reason, this post made me think of co-dependency. Any chance that is what is going on here? You need to be needed in certain ways, and she needed you in those ways?

 

I dated a guy like this -but when he realized that I didn't "need" him, he freaked out - and I couldn't deal with his neediness in that way. Not saying you freaked out - but wondering if your severe attachment to her is maybe co-dependency in this way? That need to be needed????

 

And no - not everyone needs to be needed. I don't want to be "needed" on a perpetual basis - I want to be "wanted".

[SmokeRat]

Eventually I will get a new animal, for now, it's a Goldfish named Fish. And he swims around in a glass bowl, I modified to mount on the wall. He doesn't do much except beg for food, when I walk by.

 

I do have to see my STBXW one more time, just to get her signature on the divorce papers that I'm serving her. Figure if I do it in person, she can't drag it out, has to sign right then and there. And I now it will be painful.

 

The last time I saw her, she looked to destitute and sickly. We didn't make eye contact, but it took every ounce of self control not to just pick her up comfort her. Afterwards I felt like a prick, just stopping by, grabbing some things and leaving with just a hello and goodbye.

[jnel921]

Although you don't realize it now, you are better off without her. All these things you say she got are just things.

 

You can have these too, not with her. She hurt you and could not move forward.

 

She did you a favor. You need to make more friends and get out there. You should be in Cancun right now talking to women on the beach.

 

I know it hurts but the pity party is too much. She is not worth it.

[jlola]

I'll call myself crazy then haha.

 

I do miss her looks,.

 

Stop focusing on her looks and look at who she really is. I used to be really shallow about looks and it led me down a path to being a magnet for narcissistic men.

 

I understand you have to be attracted to someone physically, but like me you also wanted to play savior. That combination (Good looks with issues) will keep you engaged much longer than you need to be. It also makes you look for excuses for their bad behavior.

 

Find someone who is just as good on the inside . In time she will become beautiful to you because she truly is.

[2sunny]

Don't see her alone when you get those papers signed.

 

Get it done when one or two people can go with you to the meeting.