Losing my mind, or so it seems

[SmokeRat]

So many of you know my story, no need to rehash.

 

I'm out on my own now, have my own place, a little hole in the wall down by the part district of the city I live in.

 

I hate it, it's just somewhere I sleep when I can't sleep at the firehall, mostly due to shift changes.

 

I've been 'forced' into a long vacation from work, since someone up in HR noticed that I didn't take any vacation time last year, and now I have to use it up this year. As in now. So I'm off work for a month.

 

 

Let's get down to it.

 

I hate her, my god do I ever hate her. I hate that she gets to keep the ****ing house, I hate that she gets to keep my dog. I hate that she gets to keep her cushy teaching job, and him as well. Good for ****ing them.

 

She away at her family cottage this weekend, and just had to let me know. All her friends and family came over to our house last week, they spent an entire week with her, cooking for her, cleaning, cutting the grass, walking the dog.

 

They ****ing did everything for her. What the **** do I get?

 

I sit in this ****ing one room apartment, with tenants above me that fight, scream and yell to all hours of the night.

 

I sleep on a ****ing single bed, that isn't even big enough for me. All ****ing alone.

 

I miss my wife so much. It would be so much easier if I was working, I could just focus on other people, other fires, other accidents.

 

I'm just so ****ing tired.

 

She's so happy without me, she got everything she wanted. The house, the dog, all her family and friends.

 

What the **** do I got? Great, I'm ****ing firefighter. Good for me. There's tons of us.

 

I miss it all so much. I haven't left my apartment in two weeks, I'm just so angry.

 

I went by the house today to grab something I left in the shed, my prize MS192T chainsaw. She wasn't home, I wish she was. I would have begged, I know I would have.

 

And I don't care. I just want things to be normal again.

 

I'm sorry for dumping this all on you, it's not your problem.

[AnotherRound]

So many of you know my story, no need to rehash.

 

I'm out on my own now, have my own place, a little hole in the wall down by the part district of the city I live in.

 

I hate it, it's just somewhere I sleep when I can't sleep at the firehall, mostly due to shift changes.

 

I've been 'forced' into a long vacation from work, since someone up in HR noticed that I didn't take any vacation time last year, and now I have to use it up this year. As in now. So I'm off work for a month.

 

 

Let's get down to it.

 

I hate her, my god do I ever hate her. I hate that she gets to keep the ****ing house, I hate that she gets to keep my dog. I hate that she gets to keep her cushy teaching job, and him as well. Good for ****ing them.

 

She away at her family cottage this weekend, and just had to let me know. All her friends and family came over to our house last week, they spent an entire week with her, cooking for her, cleaning, cutting the grass, walking the dog.

 

They ****ing did everything for her. What the **** do I get?

 

I sit in this ****ing one room apartment, with tenants above me that fight, scream and yell to all hours of the night.

 

I sleep on a ****ing single bed, that isn't even big enough for me. All ****ing alone.

 

I miss my wife so much. It would be so much easier if I was working, I could just focus on other people, other fires, other accidents.

 

I'm just so ****ing tired.

 

She's so happy without me, she got everything she wanted. The house, the dog, all her family and friends.

 

What the **** do I got? Great, I'm ****ing firefighter. Good for me. There's tons of us.

 

I miss it all so much. I haven't left my apartment in two weeks, I'm just so angry.

 

I went by the house today to grab something I left in the shed, my prize MS192T chainsaw. She wasn't home, I wish she was. I would have begged, I know I would have.

 

And I don't care. I just want things to be normal again.

 

I'm sorry for dumping this all on you, it's not your problem.

 

Sorry you are hurting. This is the reason why so many people stay in relationships - because of exactly what you are describing.

 

My exMM shares a lot of your sentiments - he has had to get a new house (instead of the one he designed and built and maintained), he feels isolated (as a lot of men do after a divorce)... you are NOT alone, even though I knew it feels like it.

 

I don't have any words that will comfort other than just to say, it will get better in time. I know it sucks right now -and it seems that she is living it up - but seriously, she is JUST a person like you. She is grieving too, you just don't see it, trust me on that one. Her life isn't suddenly all rainbows and unicorns just because you aren't in it anymore - she still has all the same frustrations we ALL have, daily crap that stresses us out - that doesn't change. It's not like she went into some magical land where everything works perfectly for her - it just SEEMS that way from where you are. And that DOES suck...

 

Again, sorry you are hurting - hoping it eases up soon. Time will lessen it, until then, try to find the good in the situation. I know it's hard, but there is good in EVERY situation.

[drifter777]

Get the hell out of your apartment and start living!! Everything you are doing is feeding your depression and anxiety and you need to break the cycle. I know you don't feel like doing anything - really, I do. What you have to do is "fake it 'till you make it". It works - do it. What I do is ask myself "what would a happy person do right now?" and then I try to do whatever that is. It may sound corny but tricks like this have helped me get through some traumatic events as well as some dark depressions.

 

The main thing is you cannot just wallow in your bad fortune. Stop comparing your current plight to your wife's because that will change over the next year or so. You will continue to live and work and date and move forward financially and emotionally. You are going to be fine.

 

It's Saturday night - go out and have a beer with a friend.

[Spark1111]

It's Saturday night. What are you doing home?

 

We are watching our grandson who is finally, mercifully sleeping.

 

but you? Go out now. Go cry in your beer and tomorrow, get up and go to church. tell the pastor you have a month off and does he need help around the church or his home? Get up, get dressed and go to church and volunteer for something!

[SmokeRat]

Church? Ha.

 

You mean go visit the Pastor that married us? Why, so I can question him again about his 'God' that allows people like my STBXW and her lover, to continue on in this life?

 

He didn't enjoy the last chat I had with him. Also being a dead set Atheist doesn't help as well.

 

It's not my home, it's a place where I sleep. My home was taken from me by my STBXW.

 

I can't be at my actual 'home' which is the firehall, because they have a new class of recruits bunking there during their shift. Either wise I would be there, being on forced vacation doesn't help as well.

 

I'm not ready to be out in public without my uniform. It keeps me in control and in check.

[Spark1111]

Church? Ha.

 

You mean go visit the Pastor that married us? Why, so I can question him again about his 'God' that allows people like my STBXW and her lover, to continue on in this life?

 

He didn't enjoy the last chat I had with him. Also being a dead set Atheist doesn't help as well.

 

It's not my home, it's a place where I sleep. My home was taken from me by my STBXW.

 

I can't be at my actual 'home' which is the firehall, because they have a new class of recruits bunking there during their shift. Either wise I would be there, being on forced vacation doesn't help as well.

 

I'm not ready to be out in public without my uniform. It keeps me in control and in check.

 

But you are a man who helps people. Do they have to be on fire? plenty of people need help. You need to volunteer for something!

 

You have a month off. Do something that helps someone else. Soup kitchen? orphanage? Hospital? Little league team? Something.

[SmokeRat]

I volunteer with the local cancer ward for children in the my city. I volunteer with an oncall 24/7 SAR TECH team. Not even going to count the number of schools I've volunteered at.

 

I'm pissed because I'm left with this ****ing **** storm.

 

I don't have a house anymore, a dog, a wife. I have my job, which is great. Until HR ****ing took that away from me too.

 

I don't need a bloody month of vacation. Vacation is the last bloody thing I need.

 

She's up at her wonderful cottage, partying it up with all her friends. Who are giving her all the sympathy in the world. I always appreciate the update texts from her friends, about how well she's doing.

 

I help people because that is my calling. But who is going to help me?

 

One poster asked that, and I figured it would be my wife. My wife was my rescuer, she was my hero. She was the one person I could come home to, drop all the gear and just...be.

 

That was a ****ing lie, while I was out doing my job, she's out ****ing her POS co-worker.

 

They need to make scotch bottles that don't run out. Te Bheag isn't cheap where I live.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time. Do you have a friend you can call? Please do so. I know this has to be extremely hard. I haven't read your story so I don't know it all, but you need to get out and be with people - people who are supportive of you and cafe about you.

 

Hang in there.

[Furious]

SM

 

You save lives, it's time to save your own life.

 

Cry, scream, let the anger out. You have every right to be angry at the injustice you've been through.

 

So many of us here feel your pain and care about you.

 

You're not alone.

[SmokeRat]

You know what I've gone out with my friends, and met people.

 

But at the end of the night, my buddies (not the ones from the fire hall) have bailed on me, because I'm angry.

 

Damn right I am, and I'll call bull**** when I see it now.

 

Crying, screaming it doesn't help. You know what I'm going to do when I finish this here bottle of scotch? I'm going to go to bed. Alone. I'll get up tomorrow, and do it all over again until I'm back at work.

 

I can't date. I can't meet people.

 

STBXW gets all the men she wants, even with a divorce looming over her head. Wanna know why? Because she has a ****ing vagina.

 

You know what happens to me when I try and meet a girl and she finds out I'm in the process of getting divorced? I'm called a ****ing pig, loser, cheater and every other name in the book. Because I have a penis.

 

**** that ****.

[2sunny]

Church? Ha.

 

You mean go visit the Pastor that married us? Why, so I can question him again about his 'God' that allows people like my STBXW and her lover, to continue on in this life?

 

He didn't enjoy the last chat I had with him. Also being a dead set Atheist doesn't help as well.

 

It's not my home, it's a place where I sleep. My home was taken from me by my STBXW.

 

I can't be at my actual 'home' which is the firehall, because they have a new class of recruits bunking there during their shift. Either wise I would be there, being on forced vacation doesn't help as well.

 

I'm not ready to be out in public without my uniform. It keeps me in control and in check.

 

First of all - we all told you NOT to give her the house! That's on you for handing it over to her. Get it back if the court hasn't signed off on it! Tell her YOU changed your mind.

 

And the uniform? Sheez, why allow clothing to identify you? You are you - which is much different than handing that much power to a G'damn uniform!

 

Get counseling - you need to break free from the confines of only identifying yourself as a fireman. There's a whole world out there beyond your job!

 

Get busy living! And get some professional help with the expected anger you're feeling. It's normal - but it helps to get past the anger.

 

Hopefully you're learning how to not be such a doormat to women. Your W used you - but you certainly ALLOWED it - even offered it up as a gift to her by giving back rubs to her and holding her when appropriate action would have been to throw her out immediately.

 

Those are decisions YOU MADE - and you need to work on WHY you ALLOWED her to continue using you when you should have had enough of her!

[SmokeRat]

I can't afford the bloody house, after all the money I poured into her.

 

All her drugs, medical bills, alternative diabetes treatments. No money left to go after the house.

 

I tried being a nice person, a tolerant person. A person that society holds on a platform of model morality and what is just.

 

Also didn't give her the house, she had to buy me out. So yay for getting money.

 

I've spent lord knows how many thousands on counselling, for her and me. I paid for everything. Again, no more money to throw at it.

 

I love and miss my wife, god do I miss her. I trusted her, and trusted her with taking care of me when I really needed her to.

 

And that POS, came into our lives and she allowed him to. She's as guilty as he is, and I hate them both.

[SmokeRat]

Is it so ****ing hard to ask for the most simplistic idea of loyalty and fidelity in a relationship?

 

Don't worry about the bills, I'll ****ing pay them.

The dishes? **** the dishes. I'll clean those.

 

Taking care of the house. Hell I'll do that too. You just relax and watch your shows, or go for coffee with your friends. I'm cool with that.

 

All I ****ing want, is blind, unquestionable loyalty, love and fidelity. You know what makes me happy, sex. That's it, just love me and **** me. Simple, you don't even need to cook dinner, I have that covered.

 

You know what helps? Not calling me a ****ing pig for wanting to have sex with you.

[Furious]

Sm

 

 

Let it out....say it, purge the anger. You need an outlet and we're here for you.

[LeGenDary_Man]

So many of you know my story, no need to rehash.

 

I'm out on my own now, have my own place, a little hole in the wall down by the part district of the city I live in.

 

I hate it, it's just somewhere I sleep when I can't sleep at the firehall, mostly due to shift changes.

 

I've been 'forced' into a long vacation from work, since someone up in HR noticed that I didn't take any vacation time last year, and now I have to use it up this year. As in now. So I'm off work for a month.

 

 

Let's get down to it.

 

I hate her, my god do I ever hate her. I hate that she gets to keep the ****ing house, I hate that she gets to keep my dog. I hate that she gets to keep her cushy teaching job, and him as well. Good for ****ing them.

 

She away at her family cottage this weekend, and just had to let me know. All her friends and family came over to our house last week, they spent an entire week with her, cooking for her, cleaning, cutting the grass, walking the dog.

 

They ****ing did everything for her. What the **** do I get?

 

I sit in this ****ing one room apartment, with tenants above me that fight, scream and yell to all hours of the night.

 

I sleep on a ****ing single bed, that isn't even big enough for me. All ****ing alone.

 

I miss my wife so much. It would be so much easier if I was working, I could just focus on other people, other fires, other accidents.

 

I'm just so ****ing tired.

 

She's so happy without me, she got everything she wanted. The house, the dog, all her family and friends.

 

What the **** do I got? Great, I'm ****ing firefighter. Good for me. There's tons of us.

 

I miss it all so much. I haven't left my apartment in two weeks, I'm just so angry.

 

I went by the house today to grab something I left in the shed, my prize MS192T chainsaw. She wasn't home, I wish she was. I would have begged, I know I would have.

 

And I don't care. I just want things to be normal again.

 

I'm sorry for dumping this all on you, it's not your problem.

Are you serious?

 

Why did you settled for this kind of arrangement in the first place? You should have insisted on selling the house and also kept your dog. You just gave too much comfort to her (in blindness) and now you are resenting it.

 

This idiotic settlement will daily remind you of the bad memories with your STBXW; she got the best end of the deal after crushing your self-esteem. You should have taught her a lesson. Even if reconciliation was on your mind, you still should have put her in a tough spot.

 

If it is still possible, push for selling that house and also get your dog back (borrow the money, if you feel like it, for the said purpose). If not possible now, then try to move-on; use your vacation for healing and self-introspection.

 

LESSON for all: Never ever give a STBX (WS) so much comfort during separation process.

Edited April 21, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[whichwayisup]

You for sure got screwed on many levels here. Not sure why you allowed her to buy you out? Why not let her buy out her half of the house or sell it?

 

God please tell me you do NOT have to pay her alimony too!

 

Anyway, keep ranting, let that anger out. Make sure to go to the gym daily and work off that energy, put that anger to good use and punch the crap out of punching bag.

 

I say, take a holiday some where with some friends or family. Get out of the City. A change of scenery would do you well right about now.

[SmokeRat]

She bought me out of the equity if we had sold the house.

 

That's all I wanted. Money isn't a huge thing with me.

 

All I wanted was a loyal wife, that would appreciate the level of care that I put into her, and in turn, would give an equal level back.

 

I'm a simple man, I do not need the big house, fancy car, or white picket fence.

 

I need to be treated like a man, my ego fed properly, loyalty and fidelity.

 

In turn she received everything. I received in the end, nothing.

 

And no, no alimony, I proved to the courts that she cheated three weeks into our engagement. So the judge struck down any rights she may have had to my pension, benefits and such things.

[SmokeRat]

And what I'm not good enough?

 

All I asked for the emotional and physical attention that a spouse deserves.

 

You know what I was called when I'd grab her in the kitchen everyone in a while?

 

A pig. All I wanted was sex.

 

A pig, a pervert.

 

All because I only had eyes for my wife. She as the most attractive creature on this planet. The site of her made me happy, her smell every morning was intoxicating.

 

She was the only woman that could arouse me, and all I wanted was for her to actually enjoy physical interactions with me.

 

Instead she'd call them a chore, or an 'obligation'.

[LeGenDary_Man]

She bought me out of the equity if we had sold the house.

 

That's all I wanted. Money isn't a huge thing with me.

 

All I wanted was a loyal wife, that would appreciate the level of care that I put into her, and in turn, would give an equal level back.

 

I'm a simple man, I do not need the big house, fancy car, or white picket fence.

 

I need to be treated like a man, my ego fed properly, loyalty and fidelity.

 

In turn she received everything. I received in the end, nothing.

 

And no, no alimony, I proved to the courts that she cheated three weeks into our engagement. So the judge struck down any rights she may have had to my pension, benefits and such things.

She played you out well during the separation process; you should have insisted on selling that house - no matter what.

 

Whether you want a house or not is not the point here. That house will forever remind you of your painful memories with your STBXW; this is the issue.

 

Never ever allow others to walk all over you again. Toughen up.

[Spark1111]

Smokie, you are missing the marriage you thought you had.

 

But you didn't have it right? It was all a facade.

 

Now you are in the real, deep angry phase with no where to go. I get it. Your resentment and anger is out of bounds.

 

Are you still going to IC? Because that anger will alienate friends too. I get this too.

 

How soon will she buy you out of the equity in the home? What is the deadline for that?

 

When is the divorce final?

 

And I agree, borrow to get better digs, one that can fit a bigger bed.

[Spark1111]

And what I'm not good enough?

 

All I asked for the emotional and physical attention that a spouse deserves.

 

You know what I was called when I'd grab her in the kitchen everyone in a while?

 

A pig. All I wanted was sex.

 

A pig, a pervert.

 

All because I only had eyes for my wife. She as the most attractive creature on this planet. The site of her made me happy, her smell every morning was intoxicating.

 

She was the only woman that could arouse me, and all I wanted was for her to actually enjoy physical interactions with me.

 

Instead she'd call them a chore, or an 'obligation'.

 

because she did not love you like you loved her. She finally admitted that yes?

 

You are missing what could have been Smokie....not what was.

 

What hurts more? that she didn't love you as much as you'd hoped, or that you felt deceived by that?

[whichwayisup]

And what I'm not good enough?

 

All I asked for the emotional and physical attention that a spouse deserves.

 

You know what I was called when I'd grab her in the kitchen everyone in a while?

 

A pig. All I wanted was sex.

 

A pig, a pervert.

 

All because I only had eyes for my wife. She as the most attractive creature on this planet. The site of her made me happy, her smell every morning was intoxicating.

 

She was the only woman that could arouse me, and all I wanted was for her to actually enjoy physical interactions with me.

 

Instead she'd call them a chore, or an 'obligation'.

 

she did a number on you.

 

There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. Your wife is a broken woman and probably has been for a long time.. Maybe she was broken when you two got married and it just took time for her selfishness and cruelness to come out. I don't know.

 

Do your best not to let her ruin your self esteem!

 

Her loss, not yours. She lost a loyal guy who just wanted to be loved and respected. Yes, YOU! Maybe one day she'll wake up and realize what she lost.

[SmokeRat]

I did not asking for ****ing much out of my marriage.

 

Was a really that much of an *******, for wanting my wife to sleep with me? You know after I would get done a shift, and I'd want to connect with her? It's not like I'd finish and get up and go and watch ****ing football, or expect a god damn sandwich!

 

All I would want to do is crawl into bed, feel her, be with her. And then cuddle after, maybe cry if I had a really bad day.

 

Was that too much to ****ing ask?

 

Equity is already bought out. Divorce will be final in 4-5 months.

 

I don't even care about the bed and all that ****, yes it bothers me somewhat, but it's the lies. It's the lack of intimacy. It's the emasculation that she inflicted on me.

 

I'm a fire fighter, but for christ sake, I'm human too. I need attention, I need love. I get all those things from the people I work with and the community I serve. But when I get home, and the uniform comes off, I'm still a fire fighter, but I'm a fire fighter that needs his wife. That wants to feel her actually touch him.

 

She never liked to touch me, and I figured it was just because of her health issues.

[Spark1111]

Smokie, put the bottle down. That's not helping and you know it. You have to DO something positive for you starting tomorrow.

 

You have to help someone else to get your thoughts over what could have been.

 

Volunteer in an area, any area, not related to fire rescue. Find SOMETHING. Anything, starting tomorrow.

[2sunny]

I don't think that you expected too much - more so that you settled for so little from her end!

 

And she isn't the woman you thought she COULD be. She was a liar, cheater and a thief who stole your peace of mind.

 

Get help to sort through the crap she served up to you.

 

Get help so you don't find a new gal that needs rescuing.

 

Get help to understand a healthy boundary and balance in a relationship!

 

Get help so that you're not always giving while your woman takes, takes takes from you.

 

Yes, you ALLOWED TOO MUCH! Find out HOW to never let it go that unbalanced way again!