johan Posted September 19, 2004 Posted September 19, 2004 I pray that this is temporary. I pray that we'll emerge from this with a better understanding of what we want from each other. And total faith in each other. I pray all the trust issues and insecurities will be gone or at least diminished to harmlessness. I pray the selfishness will be gone, replaced by love and respect. I pray that she feels as miserable and lost right now as I do and that she can see inside herself to find out what she can change to help us. I will do the same. I'm dying to call her right now to remind her that I love her and I never want to lose her. I only want change. Today I am forgetting (this is my curse) all of the things that bothered me so much. I can only remember the good things that I loved. I am forgetting the things I used to justify myself, and I no longer feel justified. I am wondering whether all the things that seemed so important to feel bad and fight over are really that important. Compared to not having her in my life at all, they suddenly seem petty and stupid. They didn't at the time. Now with no justification and with nothing important to stand for that makes this all make sense, I am blaming myself. And I feel the need to fix what I've done wrong. I am dying to call her to hear her accept me back after I explain that I don't care about anything but her now. That I can respect the terms she laid out for our relationship. I am betraying myself now, or I did before, I don't know which. I won't call her. I won't flip-flop. I made my decision, and I hope to God she loves me enough to come to me.
netrie Posted September 19, 2004 Posted September 19, 2004 Stop beating yourself up. Just call her or drop a friendly email note. Actually, I did that too with my ex during a NC. I initiated the NC but just wanted to say hi. Of course he emailed back asap to see me...
moimeme Posted September 19, 2004 Posted September 19, 2004 I pray all the trust issues and insecurities will be gone or at least diminished to harmlessness. I pray the selfishness will be gone, replaced by love and respect Selfishness and lack of trust are two pretty big flaws. You can't pray them away. People can change, but they have to want to and they have to work on it. Too many people stick in bad relationships because of 'if only'. But the 'if only' never happens. I've done it and come to grief. All I can say is that two and a half years should have been enough time for these issues to sort themselves out. They'll not be different if you go back, I fear. I had to write down a list of all the unpleasantnesses in my bad relationship. Then, when I was tempted to dwell on the good stuff, I'd force myself to face the truth of the bad stuff. You might want to give that a try.
Author johan Posted September 24, 2004 Author Posted September 24, 2004 Thanks for the responses. I don't think I need to make a list, though. I can just go back and look at old posts on Loveshack. Saturday I was out with a friend all night playing pool and escaping. She called while I was gone, and it upset her that I was gone because of what she thought I must be doing. So she followed up with an angry email. Irrational. Not loving. Just proud and defensive. Basically telling me to go to hell, but like a scared child would. With no conviction. Fear of failure dominates her life. She can't move forward or really put anything on the line because of the risk things might not turn out. She can only succeed and be perfect. She won't risk introspection, even with a counselor, if that means she might discover a personal flaw. She won't apply for better jobs and risk getting rejected. She is going to school to get a better degree on the assumption that it will be easy to get a job and she won't have to do the search and get rejected. And she thinks it will minimize the chances that I will reject her if she can make a respectable salary and pay her share. She won't commit to me, because of what she imagines could happen in the future. She could never be so vulnerable to me. She has scrutinized me to death and accused me of many things that weren't true, never forgave me and wouldn't let go of those things, because she's afraid. And it did turn me into a jerk, I admit. In ways I never have been, because I've never been cornered by someone like that before. I know it's her fear that does this to us. So here's the only chance we have: to break up and hope that she realizes that the changes we need have to come from her. She needs to be more courageous. I know she loves me and admires me, but she must also be brave enough to really be with me. Too much to hope, I know. If she were able to change, I'd stay with her, even if it took years. I emailed back and told her my position on all this. That I actually do love her and I have no options besides her. And I'm not looking for any. Then I reminded her that I am not feeling the kind of love from her that I think will lead to long-term commitment. We're taking a break because I need to know what she really wants for our future. And I want to know why her words and her actions don't match up. I want to know why we're not sharing our lives. I tried hard not to accuse her or criticize her, because I don't want a response based on defensiveness or guilt. We've traded emails once more along the same lines, but a little tamer. Otherwise nothing. I feel kind of lonely and unmotivated. Not miserable, but kind of down. Today at the office I just did what I had to do and kept to myself. I have no idea whether I'm doing the right thing. This isn't something I planned. It's just happening all of a sudden, because I've had enough. I need someone more courageous with more self-awareness and control.
Pookette Posted September 24, 2004 Posted September 24, 2004 Today I am forgetting (this is my curse) all of the things that bothered me so much. I can only remember the good things that I loved. I am forgetting the things I used to justify myself, and I no longer feel justified. That's human nature, I guess. It's not a flaw in your character, it's your ability to bounce back.
moimeme Posted September 24, 2004 Posted September 24, 2004 That girl has one big whackload of issues This, unfortunately, is the worst: She won't risk introspection, even with a counselor, if that means she might discover a personal flaw It sounds like she is terrified of shattering. A person can't work on issues she won't acknowledge. And you can hope for her to change for years, but it's not very likely that you'll see it happen. Unfortunately, some people are so broken that they just can't be repaired. It's very sad, but sometimes you have to acknowledge that the other person's problems are too huge to deal with and walk away.
WantanS4 Posted September 24, 2004 Posted September 24, 2004 HOLD UP!! Wait... wait.... we're only looking at one side of the story here.... let me explain. My girlfriend laid what johan laid on his girlfriend.... affraid... unsure... unwilling. But for me... that wasn't the case. I'm not insecure... i'm not affraid to take risks.... and I did trust her. BUT..... Her actions often times contradicted her words. She claims that my jealousy came from insecurity... not true. My insecurity with her came from the fact that whenever we had arguements, she would 'lock-down' on me: Wouldn't answer my questions, wouldn't even look at me. I persisted (which i look back now and realize it's ABSOLUTE WRONG thing to do).. only to hit more barriers. If she could have just let me in. And from this grew the lack of trust. How can I trust someone that doesn't open up? How? All i wanted was honesty... because i gave it all the time.... Without honesty they're can't be trust.. and without trust there can't be love. I trusted her enough to tell her everything and anything that was on my mind. I trusted her enough to BE honest with her, to tell her my fears, my wants... my needs. But when it came time for her to give back, she didn't. She would 'lock-down'. I pray that she'll realize that relationships are not all flowers and honey. No way.. they're hard.... but are made easier if you communicate. Mabye you too wouldn't talk enough... or maybe you didn't feel what she would say to you. Now your letting go of the justifications......... means that perhaps.. in your heart.. you really want to work this out. But in order to do such.. you have to be willing to help her..... help her see what she has to offer. It's not easy... in fact it's extremely hard, but it might just be the 'thing' that brings you to closer. I don't know... maybe your expecting too much. She loves you.. and you love her. Do you remember how difficult it is to find 'love'... real LOVE? i think... especially in my shoes... i would have loved if she just laid down next to me... and in the most intimate manner... talked to me... told me what was on her mind... let me know what she thought.... and not in an accusing tone.. but instead a loving tone... showing me her worry and care. COMMUNICATION.. and COMPROMISE.... we all have our flaws... it's up to us to work them out of each other. Then your growing.
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