victories Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 So I met this guy online a month ago and we've been on a date and been texting each other back and forth. His messages are really long and formal, even over texts. At first I found it refreshing and intellectual, but now that we've been texting for a few weeks, it seems distant and tiresome to discuss platonic topics. It's always like, "How are you doing today, how are your classes and workload?" and at the end of the night he always says something along the lines of, "Have an excellent rest of the night and I look forward to talking with you tomorrow." Efficiently ending the conversation for the evening. He was this formal during our date as well, and I understand that, because it was the first time we were actually meeting. But we have two dates planned in the next couple weeks, and I'm concerned he's going to be stiff and formal during these get togethers as well. I guess I'm looking for suggestions on how to get him to loosen up. Because so far this relationship has all really been information exchange about each other, and not so much connecting and becoming comfortable. Or let me know if I'm being concerned over nothing. I just thought after chatting for a month we'd be past civilities in our textual conversations.
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 This piqued my interest. What is it that makes you want to keep seeing him?
january2011 Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 Maybe what-you-see-is-what-you-get. Or perhaps he is slowburning and you need to get to know him a bit better before he will open up. I suggest trying to do it through humour or a more physical activity - perhaps a comedy show or a trek somewhere? If you think there is enough there to keep going, then keep going. Otherwise, if you don't think you will feel a spark and that's what you're after, perhaps his personality is too cool for you and you need someone warmer and more passionate.
outsidethebox Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Challenge him to translate into that shorthand and emoticon stuff you guys do. He looks up for an intellectual challenge. Probably only way he quits talking the way he does.
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Try to have a "real" conversation with him, tell him you appreciate his politeness and his level of respect (because honestly from his end he is probably just trying to do everything right or might not be comfortable in his own skin) and kind of show him how you can loosen up, he might not really know how to. Try to throw off the predictability of things and see how he responds or handles it. Some guys like that and others don't, but that's compatibility as well...which it sounds like you're already lacking a good portion of. I'm not getting a strong sense of the type of guy you are dating, he seems very cordial and respectful from what I've heard. I'm also like that in some ways at least in the beginning as I may be withholding emotional investment to maintain some control, but I have the duality of me that is reckless and passionate to counter-balance that as well, I'm not a one-dimensional man/what you see is what you get, but he may very well be. He might be someone that doesn't know how to communicate and express himself otherwise, maybe he has little dating experience and isn't really comfortable or sure how to handle things and what to say, so he doesn't want to step out of this little "appropriate" and professional demeanor. Have a "real" conversation, tell him how you think and what you feel and what'd you like him to change, give him a chance to see if he can branch out of his comfort zone or if he's just been nervous or too scared to because he doesn't know how you feel for him. You can reassure him by saying something positive, it doesn't mean you have to continue dating him but it gives him a chance to have that confidence. Otherwise it's up to you, you know if this is a good guy, unfortunately good guys don't typically have the best game, sometimes they tend to be over polite and over think things. And some guys are insecure and when they do get comfortable they show a different side of themselves that isn't so good. I think you have to try to break through the barrier at this point, or I don't see a real reason to continue dating this guy, the chemistry and compatibility seems dry and off. Even though I could imagine you appreciated that he wasn't overly aggressive or anything, but now it's going against him...and this is something the "nice guys" don't always understand. 2
SJC2008 Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Send him a formal, certified letter telling him he's too formal! 1
todreaminblue Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 I would just give it time in my opinion.....and as another poster said think it was nijapyjamas talk to him about it when you feel you can...........ninjas post had some really good points........deb 1
blueskyday Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 (edited) I've dated guys like this. Intelligent, polite, and live more in their heads than body. I love guys like that! Just kiss him. Help him experience his senses. Go to a concert. Hike with him. Enjoy the flavors of a good meal. Touch him. Don't criticize his formal manners. Just text him the way you want him to text you. Smile and tell him he reminds you of a professor with his excellent grammar and diction. Emphasize the "dic" part of diction with a flirty look. Be sexy and fun. This is easy. My first husband dressed formally for our early dates. I asked him to go shopping with me because I needed some new Jeans. Of course, I helped him pick out some Jeans and tee shirt, too, so he could be comfy. He loved that! Just help him by being fun and passionate. He might be very passionate himself, under that cool exterior! You will find out! Edited April 21, 2013 by blueskyday 1
Jefezen Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 The guy described in the initial post sounds almost exactly like me. I'm somewhat shy (but improving), insecure about intimacy and physical touch, and not remotely experienced in the realm of dating. I am able to attract women early on because many consider me poised and handsome. My gentlemanly politeness and calm demeanor puts them at ease in first encounters. I don't come across as threatening or aggressive. My biggest problem is that I have a tough time stepping out of the unexciting stiff exchange of information phase into the fun passionate one. I have to be very comfortable with a woman for my playful side to emerge. I rarely get an opportunity to have that chance because the woman rejects me out of frustration and/or boredom just as I'm finally beginning to loosen up. This frustrates me because I do have a cheeky, outgoing side, as my friends can attest. It just takes me too darn long to get there. Women incorrectly assume that I'm just not into them. That is why I seem to have no problem building strong friendships (where timing matters less) but tremendous difficulty getting into romantic relationships. Even when I finally make it extremely obvious that I'm interested in a woman romantically (usually by the third or fourth date), it doesn't seem to matter. Once their mind is made up about me, any chances I may have had expire with it. Sometimes I flat out admit to being slow and introverted. Other times I not only show my interest, I literally express it. That still doesn't seem to make a difference. 2
GravityMan Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 I too am wondering what it is you like about this guy that makes you want to continue seeing him? It's usually not a good idea to attempt to "change" another person...it seldom works and it may backfire on you. If he acts this way around his buddies or his family (especially his siblings if any)...then maybe that's just the way he is. He doesn't seem to be a very good conversationalist and seems to struggle with spontaneity and being "in the moment". In a dating situation, generally people are sharing things about each other (life experiences, etc.) naturally interlaced with humor and flirting because well...they're curious and interested in each other and don't care so much about 3rd party platonic topics. So the fact that this guy seems to talk mostly about platonic subjects is likely a sign of a deeper problem. Is he aloof? I'd also wonder if he is truly all that interested in you. On the surface, there's nothing wrong with those two example texts of his. They seem like texts one would send to a business colleague. But reading between the lines...this guy sounds a bit insecure. He's trying too hard to impress you by being polite and intellectual and overly grammatically correct. Instead of relaxing and just naturally being himself. I get the impression that he is socially awkward and inexperienced with women (even in a "just-friends" context). Does he lightly tease you? If you've poked a little fun at him, does he NOT take it personal and does he dish it back, creating a fun witty banter that is instrumental to emotional bonding? Does he laugh during dates and does his laughter seem genuine and spontaneous instead of forced? I'm guessing "no" to all of those questions. This is a common problem with people who are highly intellectual. They can't get outside of their own brains and seem to lack personality. Often because they spent too much time buried in books and not enough time having fun social life experiences. When dating...sometimes it's better to put one's intellectual side in the backseat. I like blueskyday's advice. "Leading by example" is a great way to get someone to loosen up. That worked for me in the past.
Jefezen Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Gravity Man, in my case, it's a matter of shyness, inexperience, and the insecurity that comes along with it. I'm capable of being open, jovial, funny, spontaneous. My friends adore me. But I can't get like that with a female romantic interest until a fifth date, unfortunately. It's not that I'll talk about third party subjects. I'll ask about her, I'll talk about myself. I'll smile. I'll lightly flirt. I just come across as rigid, stiff, overly serious in demeanor. I know this is somewhat self-serving, but it would be nice if women could give guys like me (and the one described in this thread) a chance to come out of their proverbial shells. Take the lead a little bit. Try initiating intimacy if that's what you want. Give us some confidence to conquer our inhibitions. We're not all boring, one-dimensional intellectuals. We simply need to feel comfortable, and part of that comfort comes from the way you project yourself.
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