Treasa Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 I've read a lot of threads about people who can't stand knowing that their exes are happy after a breakup or NC, despite how well they (the exes) were treated by them. I used to feel that way, too, until something interesting happened. One day, many years ago, my boyfriend at the time was being a douche and pulling away. I was heartbroken. This was the third or fourth time in four months he had told me he wanted "space" or "time" or some bull**** like that. I remember I was at work (I was in college at the time, and I also worked at the university), and my mom called me. She said, "I'm thinking about buying you a car for graduation." Now, I had to pull the phone away from my ear and stare at it, because I was sure I had misheard her. My mom is the type to say, "You should earn the things you want." I asked her to repeat herself, and she said it again. My car at the time was falling apart, but it was still pretty sound. I have to admit, that night when we went out looking for cars, I didn't think about my boyfriend a single time. We ended up getting a nice new (to me) used car that was a year old, and I was so excited that I never did call my boyfriend that night. He was pretty surprised, because the afternoon the next day he called me, and I told him I was too busy to talk, because I was cleaning out my old car to prepare for my new car. That got his interest. Not the car as much as the fact that something else had my attention, and I was happy about it. Instead of worrying about what your exes may or may not be doing, or if they're happy or not, focus on yourself and what makes you happy. Most people have hobbies or goals. Work on those. Flip your thinking. Not that you should care what your ex thinks, but wouldn't it be awesome if they were worried about what a good time YOU were having? Make it be the case. Start really living your life for you. Fill up your time. If you'red bored, exercise. If you're still bored, exercise more, meditate, play a video game, pick up a new book, go to a new restaurant, whatever. OK, I have the attention span of a piece of granola today, so that's all I really have. FOCUS ON YOU. BE the happy "ex." 6
amaysngrace Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 That's a cute story. I think that if you are angry that your ex is happy then you never truly loved them. 1
Author Treasa Posted April 20, 2013 Author Posted April 20, 2013 That's a cute story. I think that if you are angry that your ex is happy then you never truly loved them. Or you are just miserably unhappy with your life. 1
Roadkill007 Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 That's a cute story. I think that if you are angry that your ex is happy then you never truly loved them. IMO it's just soreness from loss, and the feeling of injustice of the world and such. Basically ex being happy is a reminder that you aren't happy right now, and that you feel that you should be happy, but you have no valid explanation for why you aren't. Yea, the hole we dig for ourselves sure goes deep, eh? and jeez OP, stop making threads that make me go like "awwwww, how cute". Your happiness is so infectious, I have no idea how I'll get depressed in time for bed tonight. 3
Author Treasa Posted April 20, 2013 Author Posted April 20, 2013 IMO it's just soreness from loss, and the feeling of injustice of the world and such. Basically ex being happy is a reminder that you aren't happy right now, and that you feel that you should be happy, but you have no valid explanation for why you aren't. Yea, the hole we dig for ourselves sure goes deep, eh? and jeez OP, stop making threads that make me go like "awwwww, how cute". Your happiness is so infectious, I have no idea how I'll get depressed in time for bed tonight. Plus, I think that if we lose someone who's really happy and smart and talented and has a lot of friends or is popular, it hurts because we may envy those qualities, even if we don't particularly like that person. Those may be the things we're coveting, not the relationship itself. And LOL awww.
amaysngrace Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 Or you are just miserably unhappy with your life. Could be possibly. Still I think that if your ex is doing well and moving on then if you love them you'd be happy for them. If you make it all about you then you don't have what it takes to love that person so deeply and most likely never did so being bothered by how they're doing is even more ridiculous. You're caring about someone who you don't really care about. That makes no sense to me.
JourneyLady Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 (edited) I find that I don't so much get mad they are happy. My ex-husband is seemingly happy and I'm glad. Because I did love him. Not so glad his xOW/now wife is happy though... Now the two most recent ex-bf's, I'm more concerned that if they don't change the habits and/or attitudes they displayed with me they will never be able to settle down and be happy with someone else... Because I doubt -anyone- could put up with those things long term. It takes me a longer time to bail out of a relationship than most women I think, because I keep trying. (Of course if they prevent you from keeping trying by going silent, that's another matter.) No, I'd rather they made themselves more hospitable to a new relationship, but so far only one person I've ever broken up with has done that... And I'm just crazy enough to try and "coach" them into being more palatable -- for someone else, if not for me. Edited April 20, 2013 by JourneyLady misspelling
january2011 Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Unfortuntely, that's what some people use FB for. It becomes a competition to see who has the best post-break up life. Thankfully, I'm not on FB but I did have to let go of a few mutual friends who insisted on giving me unasked for updates on my ex's life. Focusing on you, really means focusing on you. And not focusing on your ex focusing on you. 1
Woggle Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Despite everything I do hope that one day my ex can pull herself together and turn her life around. I hope she learns something during her jail term. 1
AnotherRound Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 I have found that the exes are never half as happy as they try to make you believe that they are. I have felt this way before, that I was devastated and the other person was living it up. Turns out, they were just as devastated, they just didn't want me to know - or didn't show it. So, I try not to romanticize these things. They are still living a human life, they still have bills and stress and everything that goes into life, just like I do. Ya know?
Author Treasa Posted April 21, 2013 Author Posted April 21, 2013 Another benefit is that I am ALWAYS happy for other people's happiness now. Even if they are getting something I may want for myself. I don't really have feelings of envy anymore like I used to, unless a coworker tells me they're taking the next day or week off or something.
Toddbt12y1 Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Not entirely true; you don't love them because you are angry at their happiness. What if they cheated on you multiple times. Didn't even care; as cold as a psychopath? Should you then be happy for them because they are happy currently (if a big if...not forever)? I wouldn't blame a single soul for being angry towards such a person. I do agree with Treasa. Eventually you have to move on and be willing to search for your own happiness. Perhaps the lessen here is to never put all your stock(happiness), in people, as they are flawed. 1
Anela Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 That's a cute story. I think that if you are angry that your ex is happy then you never truly loved them. When they've basically gaslighted you, and then they get to meet someone and falling love, whilst you're wrestling with yourself and thinking that you are too messed up to be with anyone - that pisses me off. Especially at my age.
Radu Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Or you are just miserably unhappy with your life. Even this cynic and misanthrope learned to not care what the exes do. There's a reason they are exes. Other than that, the only way to win a power game like the one you described with your former bf, is to not play the game at all, which you did and learned from. Wish i had learned this sooner.
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