who_am_i Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 It’s been just over two months and I’ve been seeing a therapist twice a week. When am I going to start to feel better? I still cry every day. I know that he never could have love me. I get so upset when I think about the way I was treated and that I allowed it. I’m sure that he is never going to contact me again. So why can’t I just get over it? Why am I still so sad? It’s such a double standard. I am so sorry for all pain I’ve caused his family and I know he doesn’t care about me….so why do I still miss him so much?
RickFox Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 Time time and more time. I'm at about two years and at peace.
Goodbye Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 It’s been just over two months and I’ve been seeing a therapist twice a week. When am I going to start to feel better? I still cry every day. I know that he never could have love me. I get so upset when I think about the way I was treated and that I allowed it. I’m sure that he is never going to contact me again. So why can’t I just get over it? Why am I still so sad? It’s such a double standard. I am so sorry for all pain I’ve caused his family and I know he doesn’t care about me….so why do I still miss him so much? Don't have any words of wisdom or answers. It certainly is a painful road. I hope things start to look up soon.
AnotherRound Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 My guess is that you are still sad because you are still grieving. Grieving can take a while to get through. And, if you have compounded grief, that takes even longer. So, it sounds like you aren't only grieving the end of the relationship, but you are grieving your participation in it too. Give it time, as cliche as that is - grieving just takes time. We have to hurt, we have to cry, we have to mourn - and it sounds like you are doing that. In the meantime, every time you think about or cry about it - you are physically soothing your body with dopamine and serotonin - and you are sifting through all the thoughts and feelings. Eventually, those things won't hurt as much - possibly even later they won't hurt at all. You get some time and some distance - and the feelings fade bc you aren't nurturing that relationship any longer. It's only natural that it will die down - but that still takes time. Don't compare yourself to others - we all grieve differently, and under different circumstances and emotional loads. There is no formula or correct way to do it - you have to do it the way that works for you. Be gentle with yourself - it will get better. You will balance yourself out in time - I promise. 1
lilmisscantbewrong Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 Keep at it. Two months is a very short time. I remember thinking I really would rather just crawl into a corner or step into a hole and just have it swallow me up. It does get better and Rick is right - two year mark for me was pretty huge. I still have my days, but it isn't debilitating anymore. Just unanswered questions that I have to be okay with possibly never having answered. time really does heal. 1
White Flower Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 (edited) Your crying and sadness is about lost dreams, so AR is right, it's about grieving the loss of the R and that special person in your life. But the emotional part of your brain is not always in charge. You can call your logical side in any time you want to carry yourself through the day. When my IC told me this it was the simplest, most valuable tool I could use. Love is not logical, but your brain is so use it when you need to, and when you're free and alone to let your emotions loose then go ahead and let it all out. The more you cry the faster you heal. One little tidbit before I go. xMM didn't try to contact me for a very long time which was actually good for both of us but when he recently did he explained that his main reason for not contacting me was because he thought I would have nothing to do with him. He was right, there were times I'd have slammed the door in his face but when he did come around it happened that I was beyond shut doors (and in-between boyfriends). We went 13 weeks NC this last time around and I still can't believe he is planning an escape after all this time and after all we've been through. Not that I want that, but never thought we'd speak again. I am never going to count on anything with this man but I admit to being happy hearing his voice and having LC. Hope my experience was helpful. Edited April 20, 2013 by White Flower Typo 4
loredo21 Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 Sorry you are hurting :/ Hugs WAI! Like PP say it just takes time. I think I have heard on here that the loss is comparable to a death. Take care of yourself and be sure you DO let yourself go through each grieving step in the process. Let the feelings in, accept them for what they are, then send them away. You are soooo much better than this and him! The rejection and unanswered questions will be the hardest part. Read, do some Yoga, go to the park, relax, have a spa day, meditate, SHOP! Do whatever makes you happy to take your mind off of things and sooner or later your mind won't even go there. And of course, come on over here whenever you need it! 1
AnotherRound Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Your crying and sadness is about lost dreams, so AR is right, it's about grieving the loss of the R and that special person in your life. But the emotional part of your brain is not always in charge. You can call your logical side in any time you want to carry yourself through the day. When my IC told me this it was the simplest, most valuable tool I could use. Love is not logical, but your brain is so use it when you need to, and when you're free and alone to let your emotions loose then go ahead and let it all out. The more you cry the faster you heal. One little tidbit before I go. xMM didn't try to contact me for a very long time which was actually good for both of us but when he recently did he explained that his main reason for not contacting me was because he thought I would have nothing to do with him. He was right, there were times I'd have slammed the door in his face but when he did come around it happened that I was beyond shut doors (and in-between boyfriends). We went 13 weeks NC this last time around and I still can't believe he is planning an escape after all this time and after all we've been through. Not that I want that, but never thought we'd speak again. I am never going to count on anything with this man but I admit to being happy hearing his voice and having LC. Hope my experience was helpful. White Flower - are you familiar at all with Dialectical Behavioral Therapy? If not, this is exactly what your counselor was telling you with the emotional mind/logical mind (at least that is what it sounds like!). I would suggest that everyone look into this therapy, it has empirical evidence and data and has proven to be extremely beneficial to people with all types of disorders according to the literature. I use quite a few of the techniques in my daily life, and some of them have been absolute life savers. Turning the mind has been extremely helpful to me in many situations. Wise mind is somewhere that I strive to be - but of course, it's always a work in progress and I vacillate between emotional mind and logical mind. It teaches that walking the middle, in wise mind, with a good balance of emotional mind and logical mind is the most effective. And that being too far tipped either way results in an imbalance that wreaks havoc on your world. It's a very interesting therapy, and the techniques are laid out plainly, very easy to understand and practice and utilize. I also use mindfulness, which is one of the basis of the entire therapy, daily - it helps a LOT when my mind is racing, whether it is my emotional mind or my logical mind! If you are familiar, or you read up on it, I would love to hear your thoughts on it! OP - this type of therapy is very effective with emotional imbalance (where you are almost completely in your emotional mind for long periods of time) - it can really help you find that balance that you need, in time.
Author who_am_i Posted April 21, 2013 Author Posted April 21, 2013 Thank you all. I feel like there was just so much left unsaid and that is what is keeping me from getting past this as fast as I hoped. It's so hard not to send an email in hopes that he'll read it...I don't even need a reply. There's something about getting it out that I think will make me feel so much better. I just feel miserable.
DelusionalOne Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Who_am_I.... there are always going to be things left unsaid. Anything that could be said would only lead to more questions, more doubt, more loose ends. There is no such thing as closure. What could he says that would make you feel better? If he said "I love you...I always have, I always will" would that make you feel better? It wouldn't... it would make you feel worse because it wouldn't change anything. You would be hanging on to hope watching your life pass you by. If he said "We were a mistake. I thought I loved you but I really didn't" Would that make you feel better? It wouldn't. You would be wounded beyond belief. What could you say to him that would make you feel better? You are human. Humans make mistakes. We tend to make the worst ones when it comes to love. Something my mom always told me... "It is never a mistake to love another person. What they do with that love defines who they are not who you are." Best you can hope for now is benign indifference. Time will bring that but it will never bring the answers that you think you want/need....because they don't exist. You are allowed to feel sad. You are allowed to hurt. You are allowed to cry. You've had a loss. Allow yourself to feel everything so you can move on. 1
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