carhill Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 But by definition a relationship that ended, failed. Which pretty much makes everyone in this thread serial failures. This brings up a factor which I have reflected upon, post-D. Did the failure of our M in the end invalidate all of its moments of success? If I were 53 and never married I would not have that thought on my mind. Better or worse? Healthier or not? More or less likely to have a healthy relationship in the future? If the rare opportunity to meet a never-married lady over 40 presents itself, it might be interesting to hear her perspective on that topic, for balance. 1
candie13 Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 Men will always say 'No' first by not proposing in the first place. That's the one great thing about our gender, we can deny your gender by doing ... nothing. Not choosing is a choice in itself ! lol you don't have to go as far as proposing. Any man with half a brain tries to make sure his lady will say yes before he does so. My ex told me "do you know how many times I fantasized about asking you to marry me?" and I gave him this empty look that he knows I'm not ready and that marriage is not what I want with him. He said he's afraid to do that with me cause I make it so clear. Now who do you think said no first? Come on people, don't be dense lol oh, there's a whole different story, with my ex. He knew how much I wanted to be engaged, how much it meant to me. He also knew it was over, he had no doubt of that. I think he came with the ring, only to make me say no to it. To really really make me suffer. Feel guilty. Punish me for leaving him. What can I say, it worked big time. It's those whom we let near who best know how to best twist the knife in our wounds. 1
Radu Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 This brings up a factor which I have reflected upon, post-D. Did the failure of our M in the end invalidate all of its moments of success? If I were 53 and never married I would not have that thought on my mind. Better or worse? Healthier or not? More or less likely to have a healthy relationship in the future? If the rare opportunity to meet a never-married lady over 40 presents itself, it might be interesting to hear her perspective on that topic, for balance. She would have to be a virgin, at 40, to have had no failed relationships. I'm sure there are women like these out there. PS: You really should reconsider dating carhill, i don't think any woman on this site would not consider you a catch if she was in her early 40's.
candie13 Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 But by definition a relationship that ended, failed. Which pretty much makes everyone in this thread serial failures. Not necessarily. A relationship may fail because the two partners evolved in different directions. It doesn't make what they had, at a certain time, less special. Failures involve false hopes, bitterness, disappointment, potentially betrayal. And Radu, one must learn to be less abrupt! One does not call these "serial failures", one calls this "experience" . This is a thread of fascinating, experienced people !!! 1
candie13 Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 She would have to be a virgin, at 40, to have had no failed relationships. I'm sure there are women like these out there. PS: You really should reconsider dating carhill, i don't think any woman on this site would not consider you a catch if she was in her early 40's. I'm in my 32's, close enough ? 1
grkBoy Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 I can't decide how I feel about this. Usually when someone contacts me via OLD and has never been married/no kids I take it case by case and decide to respond or not. But I have to admit I feel a little 'meh' about it in general. I just can't help but feel there's a reason they never married (maybe they are just lucky, HA). Those of you that are looking in that same age range (40 and above) do you automatically dismiss the never married group or not? I don't dismiss, mainly because I'm 39 and never married. Granted I'll be married in a month and a half, but even if I wasn't I couldn't judge. My story was that I just didn't meet the right woman, and was rejected a lot in my 20s and early 30s. Not everyone has had the opportunity to get married and then rejected it to live some "free" life. Many simply focused on school/career, or was tied up caring for loved ones, or even just unlucky in love. Better to date the person (if you're into him/her) and then decide. 2
carhill Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 She would have to be a virgin, at 40, to have had no failed relationships. I'm sure there are women like these out there. PS: You really should reconsider dating carhill, i don't think any woman on this site would not consider you a catch if she was in her early 40's. That's a good point, regarding failed relationships. However, having been married, and having had prior LTR's, IMO it's a quantum difference in the 'texture' of the dynamic. I would presume most never married people to have had LTR's of some sort at some point in their lives. I can relate to that, especially having gotten married for the first time at 41 Regarding the dating part, TBH, it's when I reflect upon postings like this one I just made, and cast an eye upon my readings here and my local demographic, that it's just not in the cards. It's the wrong time in history, IMO. The future is unknown but that's what I see now. In a way, moving from the 'never-married' group to the 'married' group to the 'divorced' group clarified that for me. YMMV. 1
candie13 Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 I don't dismiss, mainly because I'm 39 and never married. Granted I'll be married in a month and a half, but even if I wasn't I couldn't judge. Show off ! 1
grkBoy Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 Show off ! LOL...I was mainly trying to show that I am a late bloomer, and was unlucky in my past. I could have very well ended up 40 and "never married". I just think too many are too quick to judge. I think a woman who would see me and think "he's a playa" or "there's something wrong with him" should more or less ask herself how this "dismiss" logic is working out for her. Same deal with guys who quickly dismiss. I think anyone who is going to complain how they can't meet anyone decent, but yet hold on to all these unnecessary standards that shrink out their dating pool should seriously rethink their logic. I especially know when one is getting into their late 30s or early 40s, the things many hope for just might not be there. 3
candie13 Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 I don't think women complain about not meeting anyone "decent". Most women complain that they don't meet someone they click with. As for "unnecessary standards" and the size of the dating pool... I don't know, I don't see the fact of meeting someone meaningful as an exercise or as a sport, as a "dating exercise". It just happens or it doesn't happen.
RedRobin Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 I dunno. When I used to do OLD, I had tons of 40+ year old guys (divorced or unmarried) who were terrified of hitting 50 and not snagging a 20-30 something to start a family with. These same guys lament the one that got away when they were younger. Me being divorced, I wasn't anxious to snag a guy (still am not) and wasn't thrilled to be the one they finally 'settled' for either. Have been proposed to twice since being divorced and said no. It was like their clock was on a 10 year forward compared to women. Had I never married in my 20's to a guy I met in college, I imagine I wouldn't have married before 40 either. Not because I didn't want to, but because I'm kind of a workaholic and pretty set about finding a man who is an equal and a partner. Of course, there have always been the perpetual bachelors. You'd find commitment phobes at any age. Same for women. I don't think it is an age thing. Inability to commit is more of a mindset. 1
grkBoy Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 I don't think women complain about not meeting anyone "decent". Most women complain that they don't meet someone they click with. As for "unnecessary standards" and the size of the dating pool... I don't know, I don't see the fact of meeting someone meaningful as an exercise or as a sport, as a "dating exercise". It just happens or it doesn't happen. Well, I seem to encounter many men and women who talk and act in how no one is "good enough". They'll lament on how dating sucks, but fail to recognize how they've set the bar way too high, or are seeking out a kind of relationship that simply won't happen. 2
clia Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 If the rare opportunity to meet a never-married lady over 40 presents itself, it might be interesting to hear her perspective on that topic, for balance. I'll be 39 this year -- close enough? I think it's funny when people start jumping to conclusions and making rash generalizations why other people have never married. A lot of people can't seem to grasp the concept that some people (and not a miniscule number, either) would prefer not to get married. While certainly there are people out there who didn't marry because they have all kinds of issues, that simply isn't a fair assessment to make about everyone who has made it to 40 (or thereabouts) without getting married. I do, however, think it is a pinkish flag to find someone who made it to 40 without ever having a long term relationship. I say pink, because there may be rational reasons behind it. But, marriage is something else entirely. I've dated a lot, I've had long term relationships, I've had several opportunities to marry. However, I'm a rational, logical type of person and see no benefit at all for me to marry. There are also a fair number of people who for various, perfectly rational reasons, never got married even though they wanted to. My current boyfriend is one of those types. He is a wonderful person and I can't believe no woman snatched him right up. He's 46. I just think it is wrong to make generalizations when it comes to marriage and why people did or did not do it. I would far, far rather date a man in his 40s who has no ex-wife than one who went through a divorce. The divorced types I've encountered are typically bitter about "losing" whatever money they feel like they lost in the divorce, and are on a quest to relive the 20s they feel like they missed out on by being married. However, I am always willing to find out if a divorced man is the exception to the rule. I know people think it's soooo weird and strange to not want to marry, but I'm not weird and strange at all. I've had no problems finding quality men to date. In fact, a lot of men find my attitude about marriage very refreshing. 2
candie13 Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 For sure, women may like men to be / behave a certain way. But sometimes, if the guy and the girl click, they will most likely find a way of getting over their differences. If they don't, they will simply wait for someone better / else to come along. And, as you correctly point out, complain heavily in the mean time! 1
candie13 Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 Being angry, resentful, frustrated, exasperated or whatever just equals stress, big STRESS, that only does you harm and even more harm. Even when confronted with what seem like immovable obstacles it is better to pause for thought, reflect, (re-)act diffidently and try your best to find a way around the issue rather than try to knock it down. Stress, no matter what form it comes in, is both a literal and metaphorical killer. It can kill the kindness and compassion within you, even towards yourself. It can kill your hope and aspiration. It can even kill any hope or expectation that anyone will even just accept or welcome you. It turns you into an alien being. It is where I am. I am confronting all these negative feelings and letting them out. I am not denying them, for they exist. They are present, inside of me. And exactly as you point out, because they are inside of me, they are preventing me from moving on. From enjoying my life. And I will take as long as it needs to go through them, to get out, at the other side of the tunnel, clean. Reborn. But right now, as you correctly point it out, I am under stress. WIP . 1
mesmerized Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 He said ... right there. Men win ! what? is this a joke or are you really that dense? or is this some greek type of thinking? he was basically telling me how much he wants it but knows I dont want it. that's ultimately why it ended. I didn't want more and he did. sorry that he was smart enough not to buy a ring knowing I would never say yes lol
jma500 Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 You're maybe in the minority. I can get 24-30 year olds all day (I'm 39 in a couple months). In fact, since I'm in school in an education program, you might as well bump that down to 18-30. Then again, I look pretty young, so maybe I don't fit the mass mental image of '40 year old'. In fact, I just left a class where some girl who was 22 was asking me if I could touch my hands behind my back a certain way. I said, 'Hell no. I'm almost 40. I can barely get my socks on in the morning.", and she said, 'No way! You're not that old are you? Reaaaally? Wow.' Point being, if you're ~40, are in good shape, have hair, act young, 22-30 year old girls are like stealing candy from a baby. Maybe this explans why younger women sometimes check me out at the gym?
Radu Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 I don't think women complain about not meeting anyone "decent". Most women complain that they don't meet someone they click with. As for "unnecessary standards" and the size of the dating pool... I don't know, I don't see the fact of meeting someone meaningful as an exercise or as a sport, as a "dating exercise". It just happens or it doesn't happen. They actually complain they don't have instant chemistry. On the first date. Considering a pretty high percentage [45% from what i read] of ppl are introvert, they are dismissing quite a big percentage of possibles for 'chemistry'. And what they think of as chemistry, some men know is actually infatuation, which doesn't last long. This 'follow your heart, follow your emotions' thing is an incredible bad thing if taken literally.
Radu Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 what? is this a joke or are you really that dense? or is this some greek type of thinking? he was basically telling me how much he wants it but knows I dont want it. that's ultimately why it ended. I didn't want more and he did. sorry that he was smart enough not to buy a ring knowing I would never say yes lol I'm romanian, not greek. And i was being serious. He did not approach, weather he wanted to or not, so he said no first. In my world, saying no means actually speaking the word or showing a clear action. Not sendind a 'feeling'.
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 I'm romanian, not greek. And i was being serious. He did not approach, weather he wanted to or not, so he said no first. In my world, saying no means actually speaking the word or showing a clear action. Not sendind a 'feeling'. Good to know that I am currently being rejected by 2.5 billion men
candie13 Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 Good to know that I am currently being rejected by 2.5 billion men Chill, girl, you only need one of them to be crazy about you. Maybe two. Ok, three is a good number as well... Imagine, how would your life be if all 2,5 mil were interested in ya ? 1
candie13 Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 They actually complain they don't have instant chemistry. On the first date. Considering a pretty high percentage [45% from what i read] of ppl are introvert, they are dismissing quite a big percentage of possibles for 'chemistry'. And what they think of as chemistry, some men know is actually infatuation, which doesn't last long. This 'follow your heart, follow your emotions' thing is an incredible bad thing if taken literally. Life is so surprising, that one may never know under what shape or form they may meet their partner. It is true that there is this stereotype of the "ideal" guy (how he's supposed to look like, what he's supposed to say, how he's supposed to act, how he's supposed to make the woman feel, when they first meet), but experience usually makes women smarter, more realistic. Adaptable. However, as much as I think one is to adapt to the environment / quality of the dating pool, there must be something to trigger both his and her attention, about eachother. Maybe not the first time they meet. Maybe not the second time, but that interest should be triggered by smth, otherwise the two shall not find eachother interesting and therefore, never start dating. It's about how one "keeps his/her eyes open". Just my two cents, anyway 1
phineas Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 They actually complain they don't have instant chemistry. On the first date. Considering a pretty high percentage [45% from what i read] of ppl are introvert, they are dismissing quite a big percentage of possibles for 'chemistry'. And what they think of as chemistry, some men know is actually infatuation, which doesn't last long. This 'follow your heart, follow your emotions' thing is an incredible bad thing if taken literally. Yep. I hate to use OLD as an example but for me most women stop responding after the 2 message from me. Of the ones who do respond and meet I can tell when they weren't "feeling it" & I actually had a woman just bail 45mins into a first meet. LOL! I need to actually spend time with a woman to figure out if we are compatible. It isn't just looks. Sadly my experience with OLD has been all or nothing in that the women disqualify me right away or they decided i'm "the one" neither has made my time on OLD all that enjoyable.
mesmerized Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 (edited) I'm romanian, not greek. And i was being serious. He did not approach, weather he wanted to or not, so he said no first. In my world, saying no means actually speaking the word or showing a clear action. Not sendind a 'feeling'. Sorry you're not bright, at all. I'm telling you we broke up because he wanted commitment and marriage with me (and the example I gave wasn't the only talk we had about it) and I didn't and you are saying HE said "no" to marriage to me? Like how dumb can one get? Sorry but I can't not call it when I hear idiotic things. Edited April 23, 2013 by mesmerized
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