Break the Cycle Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 Hi all -- I am new to this forum thing, but just don't know where else to go anymore. I am in a tumultuous marriage and have been for the entire 6 years we've been married and the 4 yrs prior. I do not try. I feel like I don't want to try and just plain don't care anymore. There are periods of time when things are ok... but then we always end up exactly where we were before. My husband is a functioning alcoholic and I hate it. I like to have a few beers here & there -- but to wake up to my husband with boos on his breath constantly and to see the countless empty bottles of beer on my counters that drain our checking account, make my blood boil. He makes quite a bit of money, and continuously points out how everything is "his" because he brings in the money and I barely contribute. He constantly tells me of my inadequacies of being a good wife and mother and criticizes my work ethic. I am on an anxiety medication, and when I become overly agitated, he jumps right to, "Have you been taking your medicine?" He is always telling me to grow up and attacking my character. I am angry, hostile, bitter.. ALL OF THE TIME. I hate it. I hate what I have become and how the belittling makes me feel. I am always screaming at my kids. My children do not deserve to have an angry, bitter mom taking her aggression out on them. I don't like them to always hear their dad and I yelling and swearing at each other and calling one another names. I just don't know how to stop it. I don't know how to make myself ok. We tried counseling, but he didn't want to go because he didn't think it helped and thought it was a waste of money. However, one of the main points in therapy was to work on yourself and to not try and control the other... well, he always likes to point that out when I am yelling during an argument, telling him how much I dislike the way things are... "How's that therapy doing?" I tell him very often that I hate the way he treats me.. and he responds with "Well how do you think you treat me?" I feel like I am not a good wife or person to him because of the years of attacking and belittling. I know I am not good to him. I don't know how to be. I don't want to be. I am so close to filing for divorce I can taste it. I don't want to have sex with him or even talk to him most of the time. But at the same time, I will not throw in the towel. I don't want to tear our family apart. But I know it can't go on like this anymore. Any tips or advice?
Minnie09 Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 This has been going on way too long....10 years! How was it before you had kids? How long has he been drinking? And no matter how much he makes and how little you make, it's your shared income, period, and he can't tell you that it's his alone.* First of all: stop the arguing in front of your kids. It will harm them. Second: he needs to stop drinking. He most likely won't give it up easily, as it's part of his personality and of his passive aggressive behavior. You have built up a lot of resentment and it doesn't seem like you'll get rid of it too easily, if he doesn't change his ways. I don't see a way out if you don't continue therapy. Without it, it'll be an endless cycle of more of the same. Even with therapy, I doubt there'll be a lot of hope. He's exhibiting passive aggressive behavior, and maybe you do, too. It's a behavioral disorder that's hard to break. People like that don't want to be close to the other and fear intimacy, and by acting like they don't care/listen, they sabotage closeness. He accomplishes that with his drinking, and you by criticizing him for it, but none of you seem to be able to change. You won't change him, he won't change you. End of story. If he's ready, he'll change on his own accord.....maybe when he's afraid of losing you and the family. But before that, he won't take you seriously....there have to be real consequences. If there aren't, he won't care.
aMguilts Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 err just one point he doesn`t want to go to councelling because `it`s a waste of money` ? but he`s quite happy to drink every single night and not listen to a word you say or let alone your feelings?? is that correct?? aM p.s hello
Author Break the Cycle Posted April 20, 2013 Author Posted April 20, 2013 Minnie: It was the same before we had kids. We try to not argue & yell around them.. but sometimes that just doesn't happen. I am very impulisve, as is he, and our emotions get the best of us. He has been drinking as long as I have known him. He met when he was 23, though. I always assumed it would settle down once we settled down and had kids. It has some. We still go through 2 cases a week, with me drinking maybe 6 of those. Is that a lot? Maybe I am naive and what I think is a lot, isn't a lot. Either way... I hate it. I beg him to drink a 12 pack a night, on the weekends. He thinks cutting back is having 6-10 beers every night instead of downing them on the weekends. It still bothers me and it still puts a dent in our discretionary income... then when it comes time for bills, it's my fault somehow. I know that it hurts our kids... I can see the aggression in them because of it. And trust me, I want it to stop. It's so hard not to blow up. AM: Yes, he drinks despite my feelings and doesn't really give it a second thought. Maybe if there wasn't so much character assassination I would take it better. But there is just so much hostility across the board. It seems nonsensical to put our money towards therapy to mend our relationship, instead of pissing it away on boos, right??!!! Not in his eyes, I guess.
aMguilts Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 AM: Yes, he drinks despite my feelings and doesn't really give it a second thought. Maybe if there wasn't so much character assassination I would take it better. But there is just so much hostility across the board. It seems nonsensical to put our money towards therapy to mend our relationship, instead of pissing it away on boos, right??!!! Not in his eyes, I guess. break the cycle i agree To him he is doing NOTHING wrong and he is blaming you for everything? That`s a `drinker` for ya i`m afraid he has a problem with it from the ammount you say he drinks Trouble is, he wont see it that way too him , he is just `releasing pressure` from one drink to the next and if you say anything you just get scourned, or scorched would be a better word, by someone that is `suppossed` to love you? so the question is how much longer you willing to put up with this? aM
Juls64 Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Break the Cycle, believe me those 10 years can turn into 27 and nothing will change. You cannot change him and as an alcoholic, he is going to blame you or anyone he can for everything. You do need to work on yourself and figure out a plan for you and your kids. I am finally getting divorced from an alcoholic as well. Many of the same problems, but not the fighting. I always preferred the silent treatment myself. You may consider attending an Al-Anon meeting. If we are allowed to mention other forums here, I would also urge you to check out The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com . They have a forum for families of alcoholics and I have found lots of useful information and advice there over the years. They can assist you with setting boundaries and goals which I believe you are looking to do. Good Luck!
GuyInLimbo Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 I agree that you need to break the cycle. But, I gotta ask. How the HELL do you think you can sit around and drink beer all the time when you HAVE AN ALCOHOLIC IN THE HOUSE??? Are you serious? Sounds to me you both need to stop drinking. Regardless, sounds like you have a real narcissist on your hands. If it's been like this since the beginning, do you really think he's ever going to change? I doubt it. Get out - if anything for your kids' sake.
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