What wisdom can you now share?

[sunshine6]

Someone not too long ago posted a "what did you learn" thread. So, I thought I'd take that a step further. Now that I am coming out the other side of the tunnel and seeing the light again, I feel a bit more wise and that I have learned a lot about myself, life, marriage, men, etc. For this reason, I don't regret my experience, nor am I beating myself up for it. Do I feel naive? Yes, I was. Do I feel guilty? Absolutely. Do I feel duped? No doubt. But I do think it has been a life experience that has shaped me for better or worse.

 

So to all out there feeling the same: What red flags, advice, warnings, would you pass on to women (or men) just entering or about to enter the affair tunnel? What signs would you tell them to look out for? What signs would you point out as red flags to try to turn them around?

[sunshine6]

To add: I would share simply Maya Angelou's (sp?) quote that when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

 

My MM had a history that I ignored, made excuses for, or believed his excuses for it. His rationalizations made sense to me and I gave him the benefit of the doubt. In the end, I was just a continuation of his past behaviors, and most likely an indicator of his future behavior in his most recent marriage.

[AnotherRound]

I wouldn't try to turn them back at all. I believe that adults need to make their own choices, their own decisions - and then experience the rewards or consequences of those experiences and decisions. For me, I don't try to tell other adults what to do, nor do I assume that my situation is their situation - and attempt to convince them of anything about what they do. I think this is a huge problem in larger society (think abortion here) that others try to tell people what they "should" or "should not" do in very personal matters. We can't control other people - although some really, really try.

 

So, there's that.

 

I would, share my experience with them if they were interested. I would let them know that I did learn a lot, grew a lot, and understand a lot more these days bc of the affair I took part in. I would let them know that I would not change my decisions as I value what I learned and experienced, even though it wasn't an "easy" lesson (I sometimes think those are the most valuable ones, they definitely leave an impression on us!). And then, I would support whatever decision that they make. If I didn't agree with their decision, or felt like it compromised my principles that they were doing something, I would simply not be friends with them - I wouldn't stick around and try to convince them to do what I think that they should do.

 

I'm kind of a hands off person - live and let live. I won't be friends with people that are racist - but I don't spend my time trying to show them the error of their ways. They have a right to do/be as they please - and I have a right to remove myself from a situation - neither of us has the right to harass someone else into our way of thinking.

[thecharade]

Hi-

 

I've been reading for quite a while but just joined today. My emr with my MM lasted for four years. He is actually my ex, my first love and former fiance. Parents got in our way years ago, and we made occasional (careful) contact over the years. This time, we really let down our guard and started chatting, and then the old feelings rushed right back. He wanted to keep it going forever, but I could not continue. I had and have a million reasons. We are both M with younger kids. It's been a year since we have seen each other and several months since we've spoken. There have been e-mails here and there. I am in IC and have done a lot of research, so I honestly can say I have looked at it from ever conceivable side. I have learned SO much!

 

1. Marriage is many things, and not all of them are consecutive. It is very easy to fall in love with someone else while married if the 'in love' side of the M is not at a strong point.

 

2. Respecting the marital contract and all that entails has absolutely nothing to do with your heart.

 

3. My exMM said he loved me, but he did not hate his wife. Is that the same as saying he loved his W? Yes, sure. Like a mom or a sister at that time, but that is enough to sustain M in the tough times. The 'in love' part can come back.

 

4. I really love him, and that's a fact. I ended things for him and his wife and his family. I told him that I could never live with the pain he'd feel in his gut if his kids turned against him. And they would, because what kid doesn't stick up for their mom when she's in pain?

 

5. A good friend of mine told me his dad "walked out on them" when he was young. That's how he saw it. As a woman, we often don't understand because we keep close relationships with our kids, but a father may really struggle and/or not be allowed to do that. I could never saddle my exlove with that baggage. Psychologically, it would crush him.

 

6. When I looked at second marriages and marriages to OW/OM, I saw how hard it was. ALL of the choices in mid-life are hard ones. Being with my exlove would have been very tough, too.

 

7. When we start a life, we build from nothing. When we want to leave a life, it requires tearing things apart, and that includes people. You can love the OW/OM with your whole being and not have the stomach for the destruction. Everyone's tears. The guilt. The chaos. The loss. You gain a fantastic love but lose so much in the process. For a lot of people, it is literally too much to handle.

 

8. The fog? I never experienced it, but my exlove did. What was it? He just didn't want to think about the position he was in. He was so happy to have me back! It was a subconscious choice (is that even possible? Ha! I think so) to NOT think about the pain in either direction. I finally forced him and he wasn't happy, but it was for his own good. I didn't want a Dday, didn't want his W and kids to face that pain.

 

Can you really love your OW/OM and know they love you and hurt like heck and know you'll pine forever and still know it's probably best to stay and work on your Ms? Then that's what I've learned. Very tough stuff, though. I miss him like I can't even say, but he's not going to know that.

 

Thanks for reading and understanding. This is a nice place.

[thecharade]

Yes, I'm trying for permanent NC this time. It's difficult after knowing someone for 35 years, but I'm trying.

 

One more BIG lesson that I forgot to mention! And I think it applies to many others.

 

My feelings of rejection often clouded my thinking when we would end, making me think I wanted him or the emr or the happy ever after more than I probably did. It hurt (and confused me) so much to know I was VERY loved but that didn't matter in the big picture. Ouch! But when he would reconsider, my guilt and "this would be messy and hurtful and difficult" thinking returned. Working on loving me and remembering the negatives about him/the situation--even when rejection kicked in--helped me cope and finally accept. In real Rs, there is often not that very confusing message, the "I love you but sorry" thing. I kept focusing on that rejection and realized it was clouding what I knew I wanted. Working on THAT, instead of thinking getting his love back would solve my issues, helped free me.

 

Wouldn't wish the pain on my worst enemy, though. Which is why I need to save his wife. She's done nothing to deserve this, and I see no benefit to spreading the misery by waiting on a Dday.

[thecharade]

It's just me, Metal Chick, others wouldn't agree, but I believe that good things happen to those who find themselves in confusing or difficult circumstances and still try to do the right (selfless) thing. Nobody sets out to hurt someone else. You will be rewarded with sunny days and a light heart, if not today then soon.