Scarlett5 Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 I have a penchant for choosing the emotionally unavailable (& for being EU myself) and I think I may have just made the same mistake.... I'm dating a new guy but I think because of this ^ and a few other reasons it's heading more towards FWB. There was a lot of chemistry between us on the night we met, and on our third date, we slept together. I tend to have long gaps of singledom separated by dates with guys I'm not that keen on and put into the 'friend zone'. So when I meet someone I actually like, and they like me, I tend to just go for it and see where it leads! I appreciate there could be the 'FWB', the 'mr right now', the 'one' - and not every guy is the latter. We get on well and love to travel so we have that in common. We also have similar outlooks on life in the way that neither of us enjoys the 9-5 typical lifestyle. I enjoy being around him but my problem is, I can feel myself acting a little bit aloof sometimes and I have to make a conscious effort to snap myself out of it. I know I have given men the impression that I'm not interested in the past, and so it worries me. I tend to do it more when I really like someone as I can get a bit nervous and self conscious. As a rule I'm confident, laid back and chatty, so I'm not sure why this happens. I guess it's self belief. I can tell he likes me and I sense that sometimes he's a bit nervous too...as well as a little bit 'unavailable'. I'm just not sure what he wants, or what I want either really. And I wouldn't ask him at this stage. We don't text much in between meeting up and I can sense that if he thinks I'm ok with it being just sex then that's the way he wants it go. As I'm leaving the area in 6 months time, and he could be leaving sooner, I'm thinking this also plays a part in why it may be heading down the FWB route. He seems in limbo and not sure where his life is heading. But I'm just a bit paranoid that it's because of the way I'm acting. I think I always do this and I just don't know how to snap out of it and have a 'normal' relationship. It's not about having sex too soon either, I think it's genuinely the vibes I give out that say 'let's keep it casual' when inside I would love to have a meaningful relationship. So how to I change these vibes?? I'd probably just put this down to where we are in our lives if I had had a healthy relationship previously, but as I haven't, I can just sense history repeating itself all over again and I don't know how to stop it. Any advice welcome! Sorry for rambling a bit
salparadise Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 Well, it's not like you'd ask a difficult question, would you? Do you think being emotionally unavailable is a choice you're making, or a more deeply integrated way of being, a survival strategy, you've adopted due to trauma, or maybe a parent who was not able to love unconditionally? If it's the former then perhaps you can simply make the decision to change. But it's more likely the latter, and if so will take a lot of work. You have to learn to allow yourself to risk pain in order to live fully by allowing yourself to experience the joy of loving and being loved. Pain and joy are opposite sides of the same coin. Loving is winning in life, taking the risk is simply what you must do to have a chance to win. Being emotionally unavailable standing on the sideline and watching life go by without engaging. You avoid the pain of losing love, but you guarantee the pain and emptiness of never knowing love. The only shot you have at winning is to ignore your fear and get into the game. How you make necessary changes to allow yourself to take that risk depends partly on why you adopted such a strategy in the first place. Ultimately, you have to realize on the emotional level that you're absolutely willing to loose in order to have a chance of experiencing the joy of winning, and that to avoid living because of fear is the least acceptable of all options. 1
pbjbear Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 I would expect this when you are both planning on leaving. Few people want to do LDR's nowadays. I am planning on moving in 5 months and Im not dating anyone right now. I dont see the point. Get attached and then break up? Nah. He prob doesnt see the point in getting attached and acting relationship-y 1
Author Scarlett5 Posted April 20, 2013 Author Posted April 20, 2013 Salparadise - thanks for a great answer, you've hit the nail on the head. It's definitely the latter...I had my dad in my life much less often after my parents split up when I was just a few years old. The thing is, I'm aware of it, and I would give absolutely anything to be able to have a healthy relationship. I'd MUCH rather get hurt badly as a result of a relationship ending than never have one at all! Every single time. But my fear is subconscious and so I don't actually feel it, if that makes sense. I don't hold back on purpose and I haven't got a clue how to overcome this. I've had a few counselling sessions but came away feeling the same ^. I actually thought just being aware of it would help, but now I'm starting to think maybe not...
Author Scarlett5 Posted April 20, 2013 Author Posted April 20, 2013 Pbjbear I think that definitely is a huge element of it. I just wish that's all it was
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