The ow was prettier

[ladydesigner]

Like the OW's boobs in my sitch?

 

#badDecorative

 

#buttrue

 

LOL

Mine bought MOW her boobs too

[ladydesigner]

My WH's MOW was 14 years younger than me, short, cute, small boobs (now large thanks to WH), dark hair, dark eyes. She is uneducated, her daughter lived with her aunt, she spent $ on herself before taking care of her daughter, and let's not forget banging a married man. Her husband abused her too I guess.

 

So that takes me to who my WH was. He was her KISA (knight in shining armor). He told me that she needed him and made him feel really great about himself. Remember it's all about him!

 

Difference:

I am older, beautiful, tall, green eyes, highly educated, thin and athletic, a great mom, career woman, and I have never needed my WH, ever. I love him, but I don't need him to take care of myself or our kids.

 

My WH said that he never felt good enough around me. I always praised him, supported him, a friend to him, etc. He said he did not feel good about himself compared to me. That wasn't because of me though that was because of how HE felt about HIMSELF.

 

What it comes down to is the OW's looks have nothing to do with you OP, neither does your H's A.

 

You are a wonderful person who has not inflicted this kind of pain and madness onto others and that is worth a hell a lot more than just being good looking!

[Mycatsnuggles]

AR - men are attracted to many things. Ever see how a large black woman carries herself - confidence that's sexy!!! Women have this cookie cutter ideal of what men think is attractive skinny, blonde, big boobs. Men have attraction to many different kinds of women. Your H was attracted to you. He married you. If you want him - strut your confidence and make him beg for it. lol

 

btw - I am 12 yrs older then my exMM yet he still found me quite attractive. Honestly I think he liked my self confidence especially when it came to my body. Its not perfect but I learned to "own" it. This is my body and its a damn fine one!! I learned this from a sexy 350 pd black woman I know. She is all that and a bag of chips!!!

[2sure]

I could answer this as BS and tell you that my xH had many OW, or hit and runs anyway...and they ranged all over the scale. I thought some were prettier than me, I thought some looked a lot like me, and I thought some were from beneath a rock.

 

But I'm going to answer you as OW, because I have also been her. Several times. I'm fairly attractive. Oh what the hell, Im attractive to some. I'm thin with fake boobs. I spent a lot of time and effort being pretty at that time.

 

All of their wives were pretty. Some just gorgeous.

 

That's just not what it's really about.

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't have an answer for you.

 

It just sucks. I'm going through it too.

 

I don't think anything will fix it.

[Decorative]

I could answer this as BS and tell you that my xH had many OW, or hit and runs anyway...and they ranged all over the scale. I thought some were prettier than me, I thought some looked a lot like me, and I thought some were from beneath a rock.

 

But I'm going to answer you as OW, because I have also been her. Several times. I'm fairly attractive. Oh what the hell, Im attractive to some. I'm thin with fake boobs. I spent a lot of time and effort being pretty at that time.

 

All of their wives were pretty. Some just gorgeous.

 

That's just not what it's really about.

 

This is the truth.

 

I made a comment I regret now when I saw a picture of the OW- which was that she was a less attractive version of me. And she is. We look like we could be related.

 

My husband said "absolutely. But this wasn't about that.".

 

 

And that's what was hard to accept at first. A double edged sword, so to speak.

 

But in the end- that answer was the first step along a long path that led to reconciliation.

[2sure]

I really don't like for women to ever feel that there is a competition between WS and OW. It's just wrong.

 

But even if we KNOW that, we all go there just a little.

 

So, look at this way. He is with you. He gave her up.

The number of divorces show us that staying or the kids, or for the house...just doesn't hold true most of the time.

 

He stayed for you.

[2sure]

It's a competition, a sexual and emotional competition.

 

If you feel insecure and that you have no options it's bad because you feel you have no control over what's happening.

 

Do what you can to give yourself some options.

 

If there are things you can do to improve yourself, try to work on those things.

 

It isn't a competition. For the few women for whom it is a competition...they have both lost sight of what they really want and are simply focusing on what they don't want the other to have.

[2sure]

If a person is comparing themselves to the OP then they are surely in a competition with the OP even if it's mostly played out inside their own heads.

 

Women don't get boob jobs and make themselves as attractive as possible to snare other womens' husbands yet lack a competitive aspect to it all.

 

Women don't disfavorably compare themselves to the OW their husband is cheating with unless there is an element of competition involved.

 

But if you're right, it's not a competition, then fine, nothing to be worried about, let the b*tch have the man-whore and be done with him.

 

 

Oh! Thank god you've arrived to explain it all. I can't imagine what I was thinking. You're clearly absolutely relevant and helpful. Such a huge thing.

[dreamingoftigers]

It isn't a competition. For the few women for whom it is a competition...they have both lost sight of what they really want and are simply focusing on what they don't want the other to have.

 

For me it's not "a competition." I just feel like he picked me due to "convenience" but really wishes for someone more attractive.

 

Most times I know that isn't the case.

 

But it still broke something inside that I feel I can never measure up to.

 

The OWs in my situation will always be that "fun time."

 

I'll just be "the wife." Aka the thing men like him settle for when they get too old and tired to chase what they want.

 

A lot of times I feel that I'd be better off leaving. But I've put a lot into trying to rebuild this relationship.

 

Sigh, I need to switch anti-depressants.

[Decorative]

If a person is comparing themselves to the OP then they are surely in a competition with the OP even if it's mostly played out inside their own heads.

 

Women don't get boob jobs and make themselves as attractive as possible to snare other womens' husbands yet lack a competitive aspect to it all.

 

Women don't disfavorably compare themselves to the OW their husband is cheating with unless there is an element of competition involved.

 

But if you're right, it's not a competition, then fine, nothing to be worried about, let the b*tch have the man-whore and be done with him.

 

I did. Packed his crap and told him to go to her, told her she could have him.

 

He came running back to me.

 

LOL

 

It's human nature to let the comparison flash. It's not productive to focus on it- which is why this thread is mostly a positive thing. To help the OP realize the urge to compare is human- and it's what you do after that counts.

[2sure]

That's the thing isnt it? It's part of the mind f**k that comes with infidelity.

No matter how confident and secure as a person you were before it..it robs you. And it's not as hard to regain confidence in your spouse as it is in yourself.

[Spark1111]

Many are very basic and simple creatures. I do not care what their IQ, level of accomplishment, looks or social and financial status may be.

 

they like to feel special and respected, period. So if you are naive and young and carry your cleavage on a platter, if you bat your eyes, tell him he is oh so wonderful, or, if you are ten years older, frumpy, but appear to worship the ground he walks on.....you got a shot with him as a prospective AP.

 

it has nothing to do with looks. Even the MOST beautiful women in the world have been cheated on.

 

it has to do with HOW that younger, older, skinnier, fatter woman made him feel...like all that and a bag of chips.

 

yep, the male ego cannot resist admiration.

 

it is REALLY that simple.

[jnel921]

honestly, I would have been surprised if the OW was ugly. I personally don't compare myself to anyone and don't feel the need to.

 

I am unique, inside and out. I think my H knew this, which is why when all was said and done he wanted to be with me.

[dreamingoftigers]

That's the thing isnt it? It's part of the mind f**k that comes with infidelity.

No matter how confident and secure as a person you were before it..it robs you. And it's not as hard to regain confidence in your spouse as it is in yourself.

 

I thought we kind of were the same in how we felt and were attracted to each other.

 

I thought he was with me because he saw something that he didn't see in anyone else.

 

I was so surprised that he was never bothered by my weight, in fact, seemed to kinda appreciate it.

 

But I've come to find that I think, in truth, he was more scared of being cheated on himself and wanted to "lock down" someone that he figured didn't have a lot of options.

 

I think he uses sex as a way to try to control me and our marriage.

 

Of course the flip side of that is that he controls sexuality to manage his own anxiety, (most controllers are all about anxiety management.) and it makes sense. He's a sexual addict after all. To be completely honest, part of why I've stayed, maybe 5% is to keep my own sexual compulsions wrapped up and under control. As long as I feel "I can't cheat and won't just leave" than I feel like I don't have to worry about putting myself into risky situations involving feelings or sexuality.

 

But yeah, before I met him I thought I was "okay." That some guy would be genuinely attracted to what was me. But I don't think so anymore. And honestly, I'd feel like I was deluding myself by buying into the idea that I "might" be someday.

 

It was a nice illusion. I could've had it for another 10, 20 years and lived pretty happily. But life carries on. I hope that the career I'm pursuing will help make up for some of the hits my esteem has taken.

 

I can't believe how much my perspective has shifted over the last six weeks.

 

OP, I can only suggest getting some counseling. I don't know what else there is.

[Jbum5]

It's also really simple to understand that we all age to become old farts one day so the observation that one is prettier than another means nothing in the long-run.

[2sure]

Part of me doesn't want to write this because it stings a bit. There is a lot of truth in what spark writes. I mean we all do that in a new relationship to some extent but it's ramped up a few notches when you are the ow. So........I'm gonna get real here and say what most ow won't say. The ow does feel competition with the wife, assuming she loves him and she wants him to be with her. I hung onto every word, looked at him like I adored him, told him how much I admired him for being such a good man, blah, blah, blah. Oh I'm sure he absolutely lapped it up like a puppy drinking mom's milk and frankly it kinda nauseates me now because I was giving him all those ego strokes and not a damn word of what he said was based on truth and that makes it even more disgusting.

 

One thing I have learned is I think many affairs on the mm's part are about how the ow makes them feel. They love the feelings, the high, rarely the woman. A ow who hasn't put in her rear view mirror yet, desperately needs to believe that it was more than that, because she did love and she wants that love to not be for nothing.

 

Hope that helps............

 

When I was OW, MM eventually got to the point where he would claim to love me, want to share parts of his life with me. Mind you, I was fond of but never in love. MM would become very upset when I Felt it was time to move on. It would take time and many conversations to wean him away from our relationship.

 

The last question? Can you introduce me to someone else?

[Steadfast]

While returning from Europe years ago, I mentally recalled the events I'd experienced over the last few days. I never had as many female admirers as my wife's male admirers, but circumstance had put me in a position to have an affair with an extremely beautiful woman. So beautiful, I spent more time questioning her interest in me than enjoying the attention. Heady stuff, but short lived. My reluctance caused her to move on quickly.

 

Weighing the opportunity, my heart was suddenly filled with love and warmth for my bride. Laying back, eyes closed, I reveled in knowing I'd never have to face the guilt of placing another woman above her. At that moment, in that airplane, I loved and missed her more than I ever had before. Her honor and our connection was unblemished. She squealed and her eyes sparkled when I ran to her in the terminal. It was like a movie.

 

She could not know, nor could I explain my feelings when she cheated on me, then left. She openly, and sometime cruelly flaunted her sexual relationship with him, and those actions changed something inside of me that have remained changed to this day. But, instead of that being a negative, it's a positive thing. I expected reward for my devotion. I got none. I demanded the love I had be returned. Instead, it was taken away.

 

True, real, and profound love is only found in people who appreciate it. When a marriage has two committed lovers, the fireworks are endless.

[SweetiePie12]

It isn't a competition. For the few women for whom it is a competition...they have both lost sight of what they really want and are simply focusing on what they don't want the other to have.

 

I completely agree with this.

[SmokeRat]

Also agree.

 

Although, my STBXW was deadset that her OM was much more handsome than I. Mostly because he was 6'8" 225 and was an amateur MMA fighter.

 

I suppose some people enjoy looking at a face that's been through a meatgrinder. Ha.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I have read several articles about how most WS affair down, but in my case that is definitely not true. The OW is much prettier and skinner than me and I don't know how to get past that. I know that this doesn't mean she is a better person than me, but it really kills me. Being cheated on makes you take a huge hit to your self-esteem and I think that it is even worse when the AP is prettier. I have read several places that says it has nothing to do with what she looks like, but I know it played a huge part in him pursing her. I know it also had a lot to do with how she made him feel, but the fact that she was very pretty is driving me crazy. I just don't know hot to stop obsessing. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

 

You're not alone.

 

The BS's self-esteem takes a hit regardless of gender. As a male I took a big hit on the ego. The OM was a good looking charming guy, but I don't know if he was "better" than me in the looks department. Within the realm of the general public and to other women I have a healthy self-esteem. The challenge for me is feeling secure and worthy within the marriage. If we were to divorce and I became single, I would be just fine with my self-esteem and sense of worth.

 

The thing that has been dogging me lately is the sexual availability of my wife. Over the years I've had my advances rejected because of a litany of typical excuses: too tired, too cold, don't feel "connected", kids might interrupt, etc. My mind plays the response of "you weren't too xyz to screw OM".

 

It's bruising to my ego that my wife risked our marriage/divorce, STD's, pregnancy, her reputation, her morals, and my well-being to have sex with OM. Prime example: She's always been susceptible to getting cold. This is a common hindrance in our sex life. However, her affair took place during the winter months. She wasn't "too cold" to have sex with the OM in Nov/Dec/Jan. She wasn't "too married" to have sex with OM!

 

We talked about this the other week and my statement was that I've accepted that there are limits on our sexual intimacy. This is because of what I've explained above plus other factors. My plan of action is to focus on improving intimacy in the non-sexual areas. Looking back over the duration our relationship/marriage I feel that we relied too heavily on sex for intimacy.

 

In short it's not that I feel that I compete against the OM in looks, but in desirability. Would my wife commit adultery in order to have sex with me? Most likely not, but she definitely did with the OM.

[ladydesigner]

You're not alone.

 

The BS's self-esteem takes a hit regardless of gender. As a male I took a big hit on the ego. The OM was a good looking charming guy, but I don't know if he was "better" than me in the looks department. Within the realm of the general public and to other women I have a healthy self-esteem. The challenge for me is feeling secure and worthy within the marriage. If we were to divorce and I became single, I would be just fine with my self-esteem and sense of worth.

 

The thing that has been dogging me lately is the sexual availability of my wife. Over the years I've had my advances rejected because of a litany of typical excuses: too tired, too cold, don't feel "connected", kids might interrupt, etc. My mind plays the response of "you weren't too xyz to screw OM".

 

It's bruising to my ego that my wife risked our marriage/divorce, STD's, pregnancy, her reputation, her morals, and my well-being to have sex with OM. Prime example: She's always been susceptible to getting cold. This is a common hindrance in our sex life. However, her affair took place during the winter months. She wasn't "too cold" to have sex with the OM in Nov/Dec/Jan. She wasn't "too married" to have sex with OM!

 

We talked about this the other week and my statement was that I've accepted that there are limits on our sexual intimacy. This is because of what I've explained above plus other factors. My plan of action is to focus on improving intimacy in the non-sexual areas. Looking back over the duration our relationship/marriage I feel that we relied too heavily on sex for intimacy.

 

In short it's not that I feel that I compete against the OM in looks, but in desirability. Would my wife commit adultery in order to have sex with me? Most likely not, but she definitely did with the OM.

 

I understand exactly what you are saying here, but wayward thinking is wayward thinking and she's probably always had that tendency otherwise she would not have been unfaithful. If your relationship began with a lot of the excitement, butterflies, and infatuation (that most relationships start with including A's) then she most likely would have committed adultery with you. But would you really want that. A person has to be pretty broken IMO to have an A.

 

I do not want to be desired in a way that hurts another person. The healthier way is to be desired in a true genuine loving way that enriches both peoples lives without the levels of deceit and lying.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I do not want to be desired in a way that hurts another person. The healthier way is to be desired in a true genuine loving way that enriches both peoples lives without the levels of deceit and lying.

 

Just to be clear my point is she was willing to pay (at least risk) a high price for her sexual relationship with OM. Of course I would never encourage anyone to have an A.

[dichotomy]

Guy here. It happens to both sexes. OM had many traits (phsycial and other wise) that wife found attractive, along with some psychological (daddy) issues that filled an unhealthy need.

 

Lets just say for illustrative sake it was Tom Hanks (me) vs Colin Farrell (om). Apples to Oranges.

 

I have spent a lot of effort trying to compete, or be like, or be better than OM. Or self esteem issues that I don't measure up (boy don't get me going on that). In dealing with this negative esteem - I lost weight, got in better shape, exchanged a little of my boy scout for the bad boy, read a few books on sexual techniques and methods.....and I am actually glad I did, as I have grown and become a bit more "multidimensional"...... more assertive. It is nice that every now and then I can reach into my new bag of tricks, and wear "the bad boy jacket" when its called for. I see this as a positive outcome from the comparison issue. However it did not help things with my wife at all - in fact the opposite. Also you got the loss of innocence on my part I really can't be 100% the trusting nice guy I was.

 

However the negative is the self esteem, and trying to be someone i am really not. Sometime I wish I could be, but I can't really change my core of who I am - which is essentially a semi decent looking, slightly reserved, nice guy/boy scout . And that's okay - I have learned to value the respect I get from who I am. OM maybe interesting or attractive but he has no respect from anyone.

 

What ever you see in the appearance of the OW - find your own value and uniqueness and worth to yourself...and to others and this world... (beyond your WS)...and if you can learn and grow a little as a human being and woman...well that's a plus.

Edited April 23, 2013 by dichotomy

[daylily]

I was prettier and MUCH younger than his wife. But at the end of the day - he didn't want me. I was tossed out like last nights bag of garbage. Looks mean nothing. That is the one lesson I learned in all of this.