If you are not interested, it's your job to state it

[JuneJulySeptember]

I had this thought on my mind the other day and a thread revived it.

 

I think not only in the world of dating, but in platonic relationships, most people think it's OK to blow other people off. Ignore texts. Ignore phone calls. I think it's a really sh@tty thing.

 

I realize people are busy. It takes all of 5 seconds (literally) to send a text. Takes all of 10 seconds to respond to an email.

 

But in regards to dating. If you are dating someone or somebody has interest in you, and you have less or no interest in them, it is your job to tell them exactly where you stand. Not to blow them off, or ignore them, and have them wonder where it is going.

 

If a person is interested in you and you have none, it is your job to tell them that you have no romantic interest and quell their romantic confusion. Not respond to him passively aggressively, and have him wonder what the situation is. Or keep him hanging on because you like the attention. Or get jealous when he finally gets someone else. I have in my life ONCE had a woman tell me straight up that she had absolutely no romantic interest. Guess what? We're still friends, like 7 years later.

 

I have recently been in a situation where I (believe it or not) have the upper hand, and I told her she is taking things a bit too seriously at this time.

 

All of this silly "Is he/she into me, is he/she not", "Where do we stand?" could be avoided if people just had a little bit more human consideration.

Edited April 20, 2013 by JuneJulySeptember

[RedRobin]

I agree. I do the same thing with marketers or business people I may want to talk to at a later date.

 

If I think their product has merit but I sincerely can't give it deep thought at that time, I'll set a realistic time when I can research their offer and then stick to it.

 

If I have zero interest in it whatsoever, I will sincerely thank them for their time and then tell them I really have no interest. Although, some men take the sincere thank you... and my tendency to find something positive about them in the process as some kind of lead. But it isn't at all.

 

If they persist after that, then I feel it is ok to ignore them.

[BluEyeL]

I usually send a polite rejection email or text in response to the request for a second date.

[rocketman122]

My middle name is Houdini and im know for my disappearing act when I dated those from OLD. why? I make it know from the beginning that I have zero tolerance for games. zilch. especially those dating/mind games. they know this from the beginning. its something I despise. also women who are indecisive. yuck.

 

when I got texted, I answer right away, when they called and couldnt answer, I sent a text right away and called right away but I have no patience who do the "if I reply back right away, i'll look desperate" and when they do that, I cut and never call. its done. 1 time, 1 chance.

 

getting to your post OP do you tell them what youre looking for or just wait for things to unfold? those women I dated knew I wanted a LTR and I knew they did too. maybe youre BS sensors needs alignment so you can easily filter for that

[Emilia]

But in regards to dating. If you are dating someone or somebody has interest in you, and you have less or no interest in them, it is your job to tell them exactly where you stand. Not to blow them off, or ignore them, and have them wonder where it is going.

 

If a person is interested in you and you have none, it is your job to tell them that you have no romantic interest and quell their romantic confusion. Not respond to him passively aggressively, and have him wonder what the situation is. Or keep him hanging on because you like the attention. Or get jealous when he finally gets someone else. I have in my life ONCE had a woman tell me straight up that she had absolutely no romantic interest. Guess what? We're still friends, like 7 years later.

 

I have recently been in a situation where I (believe it or not) have the upper hand, and I told her she is taking things a bit too seriously at this time.

 

All of this silly "Is he/she into me, is he/she not", "Where do we stand?" could be avoided if people just had a little bit more human consideration.

 

you can take this view but then you will rely on others' good will for your well being. On the other hand, to look after your sanity and to avoid getting bitter, you can just learn to recognise the signs when someone isn't interested (ignored texts/calls) and move on.

[carhill]

I think not only in the world of dating, but in platonic relationships, most people think it's OK to blow other people off. Ignore texts. Ignore phone calls. I think it's a really sh@tty thing.

 

I generally agree but, having burnt up a lot of my valuable life 'doing the right thing' for no other reward than saying to myself 'wow, you did the right thing, bonus cookie', I now take lessons from those thousands of people I've interacted with whom prioritize themselves and relegate others to lesser status. If the interaction, whatever it is, business, personal or romantic, feels 'off', zero. Does this cost some associations? Absolutely. I'm good with that. They won't be holding my hand when I die. Next.

[iris219]

Honestly, I don't want to hear a man (especially one I barely know) tell me he isn't attracted to me or that he has no romantic interest in me. I'd rather he just not call me. Not calling makes it clear he isn't interested and I will barely remember him. If he told me he wasn't interested, it would be more hurtful.

[JuneJulySeptember]

My middle name is Houdini and im know for my disappearing act when I dated those from OLD. why? I make it know from the beginning that I have zero tolerance for games. zilch. especially those dating/mind games. they know this from the beginning. its something I despise. also women who are indecisive. yuck.

 

when I got texted, I answer right away, when they called and couldnt answer, I sent a text right away and called right away but I have no patience who do the "if I reply back right away, i'll look desperate" and when they do that, I cut and never call. its done. 1 time, 1 chance.

 

getting to your post OP do you tell them what youre looking for or just wait for things to unfold? those women I dated knew I wanted a LTR and I knew they did too. maybe youre BS sensors needs alignment so you can easily filter for that

 

I'm not a volume dater and I never will be. If I tell a woman that I'm going to meet her, then I will.

 

you can take this view but then you will rely on others' good will for your well being. On the other hand, to look after your sanity and to avoid getting bitter, you can just learn to recognise the signs when someone isn't interested (ignored texts/calls) and move on.

 

I expect to get blown off. By women, friends, co-workers.

 

But on the other hand, I will never blow a person off, no matter how annoying or stupid, or whatever.

 

I just think it's rude blowing people off.

 

Perhaps if you have hundreds of people chasing after you online, it's not feasible to let them all down properly, but that's hardly the usual scenario here.

 

When someone has emotions or feelings for you (and people ALWAYS know), however silly or irrational they may be, it's your job to let them down easy and candidly.

 

If your method is to just ignore them, then you just suck. That's all.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Honestly, I don't want to hear a man (especially one I barely know) tell me he isn't attracted to me or that he has no romantic interest in me. I'd rather he just not call me. Not calling makes it clear he isn't interested and I will barely remember him. If he told me he wasn't interested, it would be more hurtful.

 

I don't believe you, not even for a second.

 

A hot stud of a man that you were all over, you'd rather him drop off the face of the Earth and never respond to your calls than have him tactfully call you up and say, "You know. I don't think this will work. We're just fundamentally different."

 

Not for a second.

[iris219]

I don't believe you, not even for a second.

 

A hot stud of a man that you were all over, you'd rather him drop off the face of the Earth and never respond to your calls than have him tactfully call you up and say, "You know. I don't think this will work. We're just fundamentally different."

 

Not for a second.

 

If we are fundamentally different, then I'd already sense it and telling me or not telling me makes no difference. I'd already know we were going no where.

 

I would not want to hear a man tell me he doesn't find me attractive or doesn't see me in a romantic way. I can do without hearing that.

[JuneJulySeptember]

If we are fundamentally different, then I'd already sense it and telling me or not telling me makes no difference. I'd already know we were going no where.

 

I would not want to hear a man tell me he doesn't find me attractive or doesn't see me in a romantic way. I can do without hearing that.

 

If you were or you were not, it's still something to say.

 

Rejection in the beginning is almost always based on looks anyway, so whether you decide to ignore the person or make an excuse, you will know what the reason is. Whether you blow them off or not is more social tact.

 

Now, if it's a friend who has fallen for you, or someone you are dating, you have a responsibility to let them down nicely. You are the person of advantage.

[MrCastle]

I still say this way of thinking comes from people who are just frustrated.

 

I don't know one person who would prefer to be told they aren't attractive to another person. Or get flat out rejected.

 

Yea, ignoring texts and emails is crappy but the alternative in my opinion is worse.

 

I can't see myself telling someone straight up I don't find them attractive. That's awful.

[ltjg45]

After the only time where I had to tell this one female that I have lost all attraction to her due to her attitude towards me, I'm starting to do the "just fade away" kind of stance.

 

I felt like if I actually just phased her out of my mind, I wouldn't have got into this deep of a mess.

 

I took that as one lesson in life. If you don't want someone, just run away.

[Pyro]

I had this thought on my mind the other day and a thread revived it.

 

I think not only in the world of dating, but in platonic relationships, most people think it's OK to blow other people off. Ignore texts. Ignore phone calls. I think it's a really sh@tty thing.

 

I realize people are busy. It takes all of 5 seconds (literally) to send a text. Takes all of 10 seconds to respond to an email.

 

But in regards to dating. If you are dating someone or somebody has interest in you, and you have less or no interest in them, it is your job to tell them exactly where you stand. Not to blow them off, or ignore them, and have them wonder where it is going.

 

If a person is interested in you and you have none, it is your job to tell them that you have no romantic interest and quell their romantic confusion. Not respond to him passively aggressively, and have him wonder what the situation is. Or keep him hanging on because you like the attention. Or get jealous when he finally gets someone else. I have in my life ONCE had a woman tell me straight up that she had absolutely no romantic interest. Guess what? We're still friends, like 7 years later.

 

I have recently been in a situation where I (believe it or not) have the upper hand, and I told her she is taking things a bit too seriously at this time.

 

All of this silly "Is he/she into me, is he/she not", "Where do we stand?" could be avoided if people just had a little bit more human consideration.

 

If a person is under the impression that someone whom they are dating is interested in them but in reality they are not then that person should make it clear that they don't feel the connection.

 

At the same time however to be a success at dating it is important to be able to determine when a person is interested and when a person is not interested. That is a trial and error process that will take time to understand.

 

I do agree that an explanation is owed in situations like the first sentence of mine. IMO 'not feeling any connection' is an honorable reason to give.

[Pyro]

I still say this way of thinking comes from people who are just frustrated.

 

I don't know one person who would prefer to be told they aren't attractive to another person. Or get flat out rejected.

 

Yea, ignoring texts and emails is crappy but the alternative in my opinion is worse.

 

I can't see myself telling someone straight up I don't find them attractive. That's awful.

 

So what would you tell someone if you weren't interested in them after going on a few dates?

 

You say that when you have casual flings that you are up front about your intentions so I assume that you would be honest with someone after a few dates.

[tricolors]

I agree with the original post. I get it out of the way quickly. I've talked about this in other posts recently.

 

I told the woman I'm pursuing right now I was interested in her shortly after the first date...which she didn't know was a date until I told her. She thought it was simply friendly. She was surprised and taken aback by it, wrote me an e-mail saying she was confused, wanted to take things slow, etcetera.

 

But, we got past that very quickly and we've since went out more times with more planned, including dinner at her parent's house this coming week.

 

You could say "Whoa, saying that so early could have backfired on you." The point is, there is no "backfire." What happens happens. If she wasn't into me, I wanted to know.

 

Had I not taken the chance to very clearly state I was into her, I may not be in the position I am with her right now...we could be stuck in platonic, once-a-month hangout world because we share some common interests and culture. Since I took the initiative to stop being anxious and curious, and put myself out there, it worked out.

[Pyro]

I agree with the original post. I get it out of the way quickly. I've talked about this in other posts recently.

 

I told the woman I'm pursuing right now I was interested in her shortly after the first date...which she didn't know was a date until I told her. She thought it was simply friendly. She was surprised and taken aback by it, wrote me an e-mail saying she was confused, wanted to take things slow, etcetera.

 

But, we got past that very quickly and we've since went out more times with more planned, including dinner at her parent's house this coming week.

 

You could say "Whoa, saying that so early could have backfired on you." The point is, there is no "backfire." What happens happens. If she wasn't into me, I wanted to know.

 

Had I not taken the chance to very clearly state I was into her, I may not be in the position I am with her right now...we could be stuck in platonic, once-a-month hangout world because we share some common interests and culture. Since I took the initiative to stop being anxious and curious, and put myself out there, it worked out.

 

You are right that was a risk and I am happy that things worked out for you.

 

For some people though they can take that immediate response as being clingy or desperate.

 

Whichever way it turns out, whether good or bad I agree that an explanation is always in order.

[rocketman122]

I'm not a volume dater and I never will be. If I tell a woman that I'm going to meet her, then I will.

 

I expect to get blown off. By women, friends, co-workers.

 

But on the other hand, I will never blow a person off, no matter how annoying or stupid, or whatever.

 

I just think it's rude blowing people off.

 

 

Absolutely rude. its unethical IMO. I never flaked on a date. but I disappear after the date. I never multi dated, dont believe in it, never had a ONS, dont believe in it either. I dont believe in playing with peoples feeling when it comes to dating and thats how I want to be treated. I would never sleep with a women because I could. never. its not my style.

 

Im as straight as they come. so when these women played games, I simply didnt call. they come click on my OLD profile. they send me messages, but I ignore. they get the hint after a while. but I told them upfront be forewarned.

 

It did happen that I spoke to women on the phone before setting up the first date to get a feel of who they are because the profile is one thing, but I want to get a sense of who they are. If I knew it would not happen then I simply tell them " well, listen, I wish you luck and hope you find the love youre looking for" and they say "dont you want to meet?" and I would say "we are not compatible" " when I said "I dont think were compatible" they used the "dont think" with a boomerang "how do you know if you dont try?"

 

I have met those that were not attractive as their picture seemed and at the end of the date said the same "I wish you luck and hope you find the love youre looking for" one said "would you like to meet again?" and I said "I think im going to keep looking because I didnt feel a click"

[pbjbear]

I dont care if someone blows me off in the beginning stage of dating. Within the first few dates. Id rather them not tell me "Im not into you" and just not contact me again. I have only had 2 guys not do this and actually tell me that and I got over it quickly so I dont know why people would have bad memories over it. The only time blowing me off early in dating bothers me is if it is a guy in my social circle that I have to continue to see afterwards. But on OLD or a distant acquiantance, not so much.

 

After the beginning stage of dating, I find it very rude to blow someone off or to just disappear. I can honestly say I have NEVER done this within the past 4 years. I have always told the guy Im not interested. I will admit though I did this in my earlier college years to a few guys but then I grew up and grew some balls. Now I tell men Im not interested (after more than 3 dates have passed). I gotta tell you though- sometimes I think I shouldnt do it. Men freak out on me sometimes over it and start arguments over it, while a few have appreciated my honesty.

 

All of the guys I have dated for long periods of time have remarked Im one of the most honest women they have ever met. So no, Im not exaggerating. Yet I have found men mostly only appreciate it when I tell them something they like and want to hear. Just my experience though.

[Roadkill007]

Yet I have found men mostly only appreciate it when I tell them something they like and want to hear. Just my experience though.

 

 

This is rarely untrue of most people generally. I think almost everyone has some degree of problem taking criticism, and being romantically rejected probably feels like a criticism of who they are or who they perceive themselves to be. So, while you may be thinking that he's not really your type, he might be thinking that you think there's something wrong with him.

 

I think with proper delivery of said statement, most of these people may not have such a big issue with being rejected. Then again, there ARE still plenty of people whining about getting the whole "Oh you're a great guy, but..." speech. I dunno, I personally go with "(insert compliment), but you're not my type (or what I'm looking for)".