psm04 Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 I thought that I was doing great with the NC, especially since I initiated it and had a little time to emotionally prepare, but for the past few days, I've been bawling my eyes out randomly, just thinking about the xOMM. It's not even the affair that I miss. It's the talks that we shared about anything and everything. The other day at work, something happened which triggered an inside joke that we had, and it killed me to not IM him about it. I wish we could go all the way back to the time when we were just friends, and kept our feelings in our heads 1
Goodbye Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 I thought that I was doing great with the NC, especially since I initiated it and had a little time to emotionally prepare, but for the past few days, I've been bawling my eyes out randomly, just thinking about the xOMM. It's not even the affair that I miss. It's the talks that we shared about anything and everything. The other day at work, something happened which triggered an inside joke that we had, and it killed me to not IM him about it. I wish we could go all the way back to the time when we were just friends, and kept our feelings in our heads Sigh. Do I ever know the feeling. How long have you been NC? Why did you start it? I wish I had advice. I guess I'll just second what everyone has been telling me. Stay busy, surround yourself with people who care about you, do something fun. Time seems to be the only thing that heals. 1
Wellington Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 My heart goes out to you PSM. I went thru the same things. Some days, even still (it has been a month) something will trigger a memory and I choke up but it truly IS getting better. I have deleted everything, blocked him from all social media, left my husband (who I was never happy with anyhow-not b/c of MM) and I accepted my first offer for a date with an above board single (divorced) man that has shown interest in the past but I never reciprocated b/c I was too hung up on MM. "CIH" was the one who said "I was ignoring other open doors waiting for married man to pull me back thru his". She was right. I shut the door on ex MM and it has gotten much easier. I have to say, (and this may sound pretentious) being picked up in a Porsche and getting spoiled as opposed to "breadcrumbs" from OM has REALLY opened my eyes to what I "settled for"!! I cant believe I devalued myself. Hooray for new doors!!! 5
lilmisscantbewrong Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 It will get better - i promise you - but it is not an easy journey you are on. There are still days I will hear a song (especially musicians/music we had in common) that will trigger me, but for the most part now it's not just "curl up in a ball and cry" - its more a melancholy smile and sigh and then move on. Maybe that means I am starting to "pocket" it a little bit. There are two things that really started to help me what I was in a state like that. 1) exercise - getting out to walk, Zumba, etc. - really helped to clear my head and Ii was doing something beneficial for me. You won't feel like doing it but force yourself. 2) cleaning something out - a drawer, closet, etc. and throwing things away. That for some weird reason helped me to "make space" if you will for new things to come my way. It was like clearing out cobwebs or something. And let yourself cry. Give yourself permission to do it, try to limit the time wallowing and then get up and move on. Think about Pink's song "Try" "Just because it burns doesn't mean you're gonna die - you gotta get up and try and try." 2
loredo21 Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 sorry you are hurting. It does get better! There will always be triggers. You may even have to bump into him unintentionally and that's when things really get bad. I did at 8 months post dday and STILL had a meltdown. But just saw him again for a second time and handled it sooo much better. Pretty much rolled right off my back. There was a teeny bit of feeling, but I feel myself getting closer and closer to indifference. My #1 suggestion would be YOGA! Once you get really really into it your mind is literally clear for over an hour and you just feel at peace afterwards. I did it yesterday after seeing him and it completely cleared my mind of any hate. Good luck, hang in there! HUGS! 1
lilmisscantbewrong Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 sorry you are hurting. It does get better! There will always be triggers. You may even have to bump into him unintentionally and that's when things really get bad. I did at 8 months post dday and STILL had a meltdown. But just saw him again for a second time and handled it sooo much better. Pretty much rolled right off my back. There was a teeny bit of feeling, but I feel myself getting closer and closer to indifference. My #1 suggestion would be YOGA! Once you get really really into it your mind is literally clear for over an hour and you just feel at peace afterwards. I did it yesterday after seeing him and it completely cleared my mind of any hate. Good luck, hang in there! HUGS! Was it an interaction? Or did you just see him from a distance. I've only seen my xmom once in 3 years (besides passing in cars) - I detailed that on another thread - and I felt like I had the upper hand in that situation - he was acting like a scared little boy.
whichwayisup Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 I thought that I was doing great with the NC, especially since I initiated it and had a little time to emotionally prepare, but for the past few days, I've been bawling my eyes out randomly, just thinking about the xOMM. It's not even the affair that I miss. It's the talks that we shared about anything and everything. The other day at work, something happened which triggered an inside joke that we had, and it killed me to not IM him about it. I wish we could go all the way back to the time when we were just friends, and kept our feelings in our heads It's a break up and you're grieving the loss, which is a good thing though, don't hold it in! it hurts to lose someone you care about you, affair or not. Of course you're going to miss the fun times you had with him, talking with him, laughing with him. You're having a bad day, you're allowed. 2
loredo21 Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 Was it an interaction? Or did you just see him from a distance. I've only seen my xmom once in 3 years (besides passing in cars) - I detailed that on another thread - and I felt like I had the upper hand in that situation - he was acting like a scared little boy. Once was a Starbucks, no contact just went about our business. And yesterday it was driving. We made eye contact. But I acted unphased in both situations. The first time I was on my way to therapy and THAT's where I had the meltdown. When I say we've been NC for 9months I mean not even a "hello".
movingon45 Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 I thought that I was doing great with the NC, especially since I initiated it and had a little time to emotionally prepare, but for the past few days, I've been bawling my eyes out randomly, just thinking about the xOMM. It's not even the affair that I miss. It's the talks that we shared about anything and everything. The other day at work, something happened which triggered an inside joke that we had, and it killed me to not IM him about it. I wish we could go all the way back to the time when we were just friends, and kept our feelings in our heads Sorry you are hurting, but don't make the same mistake that I just did of breaking the NC. I miss the same things that you are missing, but guess what our chats quickly turned sexual from him, so I thought there goes the friendship that I miss! It never works! It will always turn back to sex. 1
AnotherRound Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 I know exactly where you're at... I see so much stuff that I just wish I could email xMM about because I know he'd love it. He introduced me to a fab blues musician that I absolutely love... and we can't talk about it any more. We can't have an in-depth discussion about our favourite stuff any more. It sucks! I can listen to the music still... but my heart still tugs a bit when I do. Oh well. I know he probably feels a bit crap about it too when he hears it. Good! A small consolation for me. After the last few weeks that I've had, I shudder to think how much messier I would have been if he'd been the one to break it off. Surely me pulling the trigger was better. Only just... I hope you feel better soon. I tend to think any crying is good, it gets it out of you. I feel good after a cry, like my head is clearer and I can think better. Certainly better than breaking NC... Crying is a physical soother, it's our bodies natural painkiller. You feel better after a good cry bc it literally increases the dopamine and serotonin in your brain, floods it out to soothe your body. I wish more people would allow this natural "upper" to happen instead of fighting it. I mean, think about it - our bodies are crazy designed machines where everything has a purpose. We don't leak water from our eyes for no reason, lol... ya know? You feel better, bc you ARE better after a good cry. You have just flooded your body with feel good chemicals... and yes, I have research to back that up if you are interested.
Author psm04 Posted April 29, 2013 Author Posted April 29, 2013 Thank you so much for all your supportive responses. I'm sorry, I haven't been on LS in a while, so this is the first time I'm reading the responses since I posted the original thread. I'm doing much better from how I was feeling when I posted it. Definitely feels like I'm moving in the right direction. I'm sure that triggers will still happen once in a while, especially since we work together, but that's okay. I'm more focused on my marriage and my H now. And you know, I'm not really missing my xOMM much now. When I think back to all of the interactions between us, I think I was a huge ego boost for him, due to our age difference etc., and I'm not going to be helping him out with that anymore. I'm not going to be that giving of a person :-)
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