Seachelle1 Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 Hi Again, So about 2 months ago I met up with a friend and invited her to my house (we live next to each other). While she was over she told me she was dating my ex who had moved in with her, that she was so much better than I was for him who was (she intimated) a terrible girlfriend, and that she'd dump me as a friend if he asked her. I was in shock and she left after I told her to take care of herself and to not trust him because he would hurt her. I don't trust easily. I've been very hurt in my life by people I had trusted. I don't make friends easily and am quite shy. I was pretty heartbroken and angry. I never confronted her but did confront my ex. I'm glad I did because it gave me closure and a way to go forward but it was messy and ugly. I can't pretend I acted well. I was crying uncontrollably and drunk when I spoke with him and at times very angry. He had said at the time that he wanted to break up with her and was trying to get out of the relationship. (Which he should never ever have said to me.) He also said he loved her and was "not convinced" he should break up with her. Icky. I'm angry at her but I think he's broken up with her now. I see her on the street and she looks so broken. I feel terrible for her and I feel angry at her. She tore me down so thoroughly and I am so hurt by her actions. I won't be friends with her again. How do people deal with this? What I'm doing: -I'm going to counseling. She triggered PTSD in me and I've had to work through that. I've been discussing my feelings towards her extensively with my therapist. I'm trying to be mature, kind and to place blame where blame belongs. She did not give me PTSD, she only triggered it unknowingly. She doesn't even know it's something I have, she doesn't know my past or my problems. -I'm keeping strict no contact with everyone. The last thing she needs is to talk to me with my conflicted, painful feelings. I turn my back when I see her on the road. She no longer causes flashbacks and so I am just trying to maintain distance to diffuse high emotion about the breakup on all sides. She is blocked on all my social media and she has no way to contact me aside from showing up at my front door or writing me snailmail. I no longer trust her or want her in my life but can I communicate to her that bygones are bygones and that life gets better? Any further actions/advice I can follow?
Author Seachelle1 Posted April 20, 2013 Author Posted April 20, 2013 Okay. I know I shouldn't communicate anything with her. There is nothing I can do for her. But beyond that...
Dragi3169 Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 Why would you care about this women?? She is not a friend ! Friends don't hurt you intentionally and bad mouth you . If I were you I would revel in she got what was coming to her
Author Seachelle1 Posted April 20, 2013 Author Posted April 20, 2013 It was pretty bad. I cried and had flashbacks for almost a month straight. It's only been getting better for the past month. Little by little. You're right she doesn't deserve my friendship. I'm not a Christian but I've been reading "The Cost of Discipleship" by Bonhoeffer on costly grace. It's something I read when I was a kid and I'm re-reading because I've been hanging out with a Quaker guy who reads and who talks passionately about Bonhoeffer's books. Cheap grace: "Grace alone does everything, they say, and so everything can remain as before." Costly grace: "...the incarnation of God." (whatever God may be to the reader, be that universe or Jesus or Brahmin.) It's a new life to aspire towards. And I think love is most evident in the every day things and how we live our very life. I don't think it means being a martyr for her cruelty and stupidity, but I don't wish her harm. I wish her the same better life that I've found in dealing with all this. I went back to counseling! I'm working through some deep stuff! I'm honestly glad because I'm finding peace I haven't had since my dad died and I've had to come back to my hometown.
Author Seachelle1 Posted April 20, 2013 Author Posted April 20, 2013 Good question! She is 19, he is 27, I am 29. She is very young and naive. She said all of the above with a smile. I don't think she took pleasure from hurting me. She was just jealous and stupid. It must have been pretty subconscious on her part. I think she also presumed knowing he and I better than she actually did. She didn't know a lot of really big secrets we are keeping about each other. She mentioned that he didn't know grief which shocked me. I can't believe that she doesn't see what he's been going through. My dad just died and my mother is dying. I was having meltdowns on him when he broke up with me. (Absolutely astute of him, I agree with him and have apologized for my actions in this regard.) She said he didn't understand grief. I don't think she could have been further from the truth and it was an ignorant thing of her to say. She didn't understand that he (in his own words) ignores the pain and turns to hedonism where I overtalk it. She spoke for him when she didn't have a right and was operating on a really ignorant premise. She blamed me for the pain he had when it wasn't me at all but stuff he'd buried and my own grief had brought up in him. He said that to me explicitly when I was yelling at him. It can't be a surprise that they broke up when she didn't know him at all and had no idea why he acted the way he did. They were better friends than he and I were, for sure, but he needs help and he wasn't reaching out. I almost wish he had reached out to her, at least she would understand that his actions had nothing to do with her or me but his grief. I think, like a lot of 19-year olds, she crushed on him so hard that he was no longer a real person but an effigy of her emotions and I became the same. She was in love with an idea of him and jealous of an idea of me. At the same time she was putting me down she said I was her in 10 years. She had no clue.
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