is it tough love or selfishness?

[rainbow218]

I am having a problem with my relationship with my longtime boyfriend (8 years). We met and became together in high school and were happy and compatible in almost every way. I think one of our problems is even wanting to spend too much time together. Long story short, I finished medicine and currently studying for board examination. He, on the other hand, planned to become a lawyer, but got lost along the way (internet and computer games, skipped classes, you get the picture). He was delayed during college and on his sixth year, he thought he could no longer continue because his university told him that he is permanently disqualified. He was too scared for me to find out, so he lied to me, told me he "already graduated". Whenever I ask why he is not pursuing the law degree he wanted, he tells me that he is not sure whether to pursue it and needed time to think, so he worked in a job that you can have with or without a degree (which is why I did not suspect).

 

I only learned about this recently, but he was depressed at the time and considered taking his life. Luckily, he didn't, and after a year of not knowing what to do with his life (his family and friends also did not know that he did not graduate), this was when he realized that he wanted to fix his life. He went back to his university to appeal for a second chance, which they gave him after a series of interviews and process. This was the time that he told me the truth that he has not graduated yet.

 

He was able to finish the 9 units left so he has graduated. Now, he is trying to find a job (but currently still unemployed) to save up for a year, then go to law school. (I must stress that his parents do not have much money and he would have to support himself fully during law school, which is why he needs to save up).

 

I know that he is doing his best to improve his situation and I really appreciate that. However, he is also completely financially dependent on me right now. I haven't mentioned it yet but my parents are quite rich, and has given me a hefty monthly allowance since I was young which is why I have savings. We are sort of living together. To be honest, I am not comfortable with living together with a man who is not my husband, especially since I am not yet financially independent. I also feel guilty because I feel like I am betraying my parents.

However, I am letting it happen because this was the best way that I think I can help him save money and time to focus on getting that law degree. However, I am coming to realize that he needs more motivation because finding a job does not seem to be an urgent matter for him, he just likes spending all of his time on me.

 

So I decided that maybe it is best if I asked him to move out, but still offer him financial assistance whenever he needs it. He agreed and told me that he understood, but I think he can't help but feel that I can certainly help him (money is not a problem), but I am refusing because of my values and because I believe that, in a way, he needs to experience more hardship (without me providing everything) a bit to realize that he needs to get going with his life.

 

I must add, he is the sweetest, most sensitive and smart person I have ever met and treats me like a queen. His only flaw, it seems, is his lack of motivation/ambition. It seems that there is no sense of urgency in him, even though we are already miles apart, career-wise.

 

Sorry for the long post, I just wanted all the information to be out there. Thank you for taking the time.

[dovahkiin]

I had that once with my ex boyfriend a couple of years ago, similar situation. End up having to dump him so that he would start going to class and move back to his own place.

 

What I think you did was right, he really does need to learn how to handle things on his own without depending too much on other people. It's not selfish if it's for their own good. Yeah I know, tough love can be difficult for the ones implementing it but it just has to be done.