Really hot date went really cold real fast

[Candle037]

Hi,

 

Went on an awesome date. Lots of laughs...things in common....the time flew and it was like I kinda knew this person their whole life. It went so well that I told the guy I wanted to see him again. He told me he wanted to talk later that evening and wanted to even see me for breakfast the next morning to which I said probably not and the texting was non stop before our date. The next day we texted lots and then suddenly monday comes I text him for about 10 minutes back and forth then nothing from him. Tuesday I didn't text. Wednesday I text him first and 5 minutes of chat and once again I'm left hanging. Thursday I don't contact him. Friday I text him and only a few messages exchanged. What happened? How long should I wait until I give up on this? Should I wait a few days and say anything? He has not asked either for another date and its the weekend already.

[KraftDinner]

The ball is in his court now.

 

He's either not interested or just doesn't like being in contact as much as you.

[pyramid]

That stinks!!! Don't contact him again. If he contacts you, then he's still interested. If not... next... I know it's way easier said than done. I promise you will save yourself a ton of emotional energy though.

[ja123]

The ball is in his court now.

 

He's either not interested or just doesn't like being in contact as much as you.

 

^^ This.

 

How did you meet?

[Archgirl]

Texts/contact always drastically after the first date, sometimes seemingly in direct proportion to how good the date went.

 

It doesn't mean anything, as far as I can tell it's because you are now a real person and as much contact is unnecessary.

 

I hate to say it, but the first few dates really are a game which you win by playing them better than they play you. Your first mistake was initiating contact with him so soon after not just once but three times in under a week. You are trying to control him and it comes off (unfairly) as needy and like a crazy chick.

 

Next time you have a promising date don't contact him and give him time to miss you and realise he wants contact with you. As far as I can tell guys don't run to the same time frame with contact as we do and often don't see the point in constant exchanges with no practical purpose - at least not so early on.

 

So here's what used to be my strategy when I was newer to dating and more inclined to give my power away: I never initiated first contact after a first date, I waited for him to do it, even if it took a fortnight and did things I enjoyed so I was reinforcing to myself that I had a full happy life that any man was just a happy addition to not a central feature.

If he didn't contact me, his loss and I moved on to the next one.

 

I deliberately avoided replying during working hours or when I was doing something else because I didn't want to send him or me the messsage that he is a priority over my career/education/whatever else I was doing. I also didn't initiate contact more than one to his every 2-4 because as far as I'm concerned I'm the prize not him plus it allows you to work out a natural rhythm to contact.

 

For very similar reasons I wouldn't contact him once we had established a contact pattern more than every 4-5 days and then not without a specific purpose - like to share news, ask question or whatever. Similarly once in regular contact pattern I had a 2 contact rule - If I've contacted him twice in a row and he is not responsive I stopped contact completely because I did not want to risk sending the message to myself that it was permissable to ignore me.

 

This would be pretty much what i'd stick to for about the first month and unless he brought up exclusivity i'd be open to dating other guys at the same time - like why limit my options un-asked?

 

Now I don't have to do any of these things consciously, I am even stronger, have an extremely healthy sense of self, enormous self-respect and am more confident in myself so behaving in dating in a way which reflects this just comes naturally. And while I was never unsuccessful at dating, I certainly enjoy it a lot more and more often than not have the guy initiating exclusivity very early on.

 

I hope this helps and wish you the best of luck! xoxo

[Candle037]

I met him on eharmony. We have discussed more serious topics therefore like goals, kids, marriage, career, what we want in a partner right away as the website does encourage this kind of thing. So even though it was a first date for us it was a pretty serious conversational one. I am new to dating really and I have always previously been in relationships. I agree I don't think I should have texted him 3 times in the week but I thought it was harmless to ask how his work went or how his day was. I guess not now reading the response about texting previous to my reply....thank you for that by the way. I was unaware of any kind of system and we had both exchanged on the monday that we enjoyed talking to each other so I didn't have a second thought about texting him again. He does know I am busy and my life is full of friends,activites, school already and he also did tell me that he is busy also. I guess only time will tell as I'm not texting him again. It is hard though I thought we hit it off.

[BluEyeL]

Don't be in so much contact, you're boring him. Texting a lot is not good, it prevents you from getting a second date actually and lowers interest. Take distance, never text first, don't ask him out first, and it should work better. I'm afraid this one might be lost. Don't contact him and he might be back. Good luck!

[Archgirl]

I think you might have misunderstood me a little.

There is no "system", this was just stuff I worked out for myself to stop giving my power away and losing sight of my value- I think dating by its very nature can become all about what they think of you and about why are they doing that/why don't they like me instead of I am me, happy in myself, what do I think of them/what do they offer me to enrich my already pretty awesome life.

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you wanting to contact him whenever about whatever as often as you like- it is normal and healthy to desire intimacy and contact with someone new who you want to know more about.

 

However, you have to select your actions to match the outcome you desire. My goal is to not lose sight of my intrinsic value and to attract men in my life that value me for who I am and enrich my life through fun, intimacy and support. And so I act accordingly.

 

And dating is for better or worse generally dependant on the impression you have if one another during the first date and the week after. All the contact before meeting is basically irrelevant, part of a different goal- namely to make a first date worth it.

 

So if you are honest with yourself, what messages do your actions tell him about who you are and how you can enrich his life?

[SJC2008]

OLD throws a wrench into things when it comes to contact so I'll go easy on you.

 

As much as I hate rules and games some of them are good ones. Here are a few rules I like to give women about 1st dates:

 

1) Don't ever offer to pay/split on a first date! Make sure to give a sincere thank you.

2) Don't tell him you want to see him again. You can tell him you had a really good time etc.

3) Unless it's a SINGLE text after the date saying you had a good time, don't ever initiate first!

 

You don't want to come on to strong and run him off. OTOH, some sleazeballs may take advantage if this since you've shown your hand and string you along.

[Buttercup84]

Texts/contact always drastically after the first date, sometimes seemingly in direct proportion to how good the date went.

 

It doesn't mean anything, as far as I can tell it's because you are now a real person and as much contact is unnecessary.

 

I hate to say it, but the first few dates really are a game which you win by playing them better than they play you. Your first mistake was initiating contact with him so soon after not just once but three times in under a week. You are trying to control him and it comes off (unfairly) as needy and like a crazy chick.

 

Next time you have a promising date don't contact him and give him time to miss you and realise he wants contact with you. As far as I can tell guys don't run to the same time frame with contact as we do and often don't see the point in constant exchanges with no practical purpose - at least not so early on.

 

So here's what used to be my strategy when I was newer to dating and more inclined to give my power away: I never initiated first contact after a first date, I waited for him to do it, even if it took a fortnight and did things I enjoyed so I was reinforcing to myself that I had a full happy life that any man was just a happy addition to not a central feature.

If he didn't contact me, his loss and I moved on to the next one.

 

I deliberately avoided replying during working hours or when I was doing something else because I didn't want to send him or me the messsage that he is a priority over my career/education/whatever else I was doing. I also didn't initiate contact more than one to his every 2-4 because as far as I'm concerned I'm the prize not him plus it allows you to work out a natural rhythm to contact.

 

For very similar reasons I wouldn't contact him once we had established a contact pattern more than every 4-5 days and then not without a specific purpose - like to share news, ask question or whatever. Similarly once in regular contact pattern I had a 2 contact rule - If I've contacted him twice in a row and he is not responsive I stopped contact completely because I did not want to risk sending the message to myself that it was permissable to ignore me.

 

This would be pretty much what i'd stick to for about the first month and unless he brought up exclusivity i'd be open to dating other guys at the same time - like why limit my options un-asked?

 

Now I don't have to do any of these things consciously, I am even stronger, have an extremely healthy sense of self, enormous self-respect and am more confident in myself so behaving in dating in a way which reflects this just comes naturally. And while I was never unsuccessful at dating, I certainly enjoy it a lot more and more often than not have the guy initiating exclusivity very early on.

 

I hope this helps and wish you the best of luck! xoxo

 

I could learn a lot from you fellow Aussie

[curlygirl40]

I'm with Archgirl 100%. I do the same sort of things. It's hard to calm your mind when you're excited about someone new, but I believe that it messes with the 'natural order of things' to contact in the beginning.

 

Once I'm in a relationship, absolutely I will make plans, reach out to him, etc. but in the beginning, it's all him.

 

The guy I'm dating now (for almost 2 months), I don't think I have EVER initiated a text with him or texted 2x in a row. Seriously, he initiates 100% of the time. The guys might feel like that's not fair, but believe me, he knows I like him. Guys have a way of knowing you don't have to chase them for them to know.

 

Simply put, it feels much better to get a text from him knowing that he's thinking about me rather than getting a text back from him which might be obligation or him just being nice.

 

Lean back and wait to see what he does then you'll have your answer. It might not be the answer you want but at least you'll keep your dignity intact while you wait.

 

Good luck!

[Candle037]

So what happened is he asked me out to a restaurant last Saturday. I had plans later in the evening and he worked 07:30 pm to 5:30 am so that is why he wanted to have breakfast with me as he had to kinda cut our date short. I wasn't sleeping over. How I contacted him when I was done going out was at like 2 am and it was by text that I was very tired and didn't think I could do it. He said it was alright. Then the next day he texted me non stop over hours and then I thought that since its after the date and this is happening that this is ok to continue on texting like this of course when I have time. So thats why I continued to text the 3 different times and then I really didn't get much back from him and now I'm really confused because I feel he initiated this kind of texting then shut me off. So something definitely is up. I made it clear to him before our date that I don't sleep around and he accepted this date knowing this and he said he felt the same way that he doesn't rush things when dating. The sex thing I feel is not on the table.

[Cutiepie1976]

If you're doing most of the work this early in the game, he isn't interested. Why? Who knows, and ultimately not really relevant since it changes nothing. Irrelevant too that he was very interested prior to your first date or texted shortly afterwards. What matters is his interest level now. People change their minds. There is no contractual obligation to continue when that happens. Not initiating communication=guy not interested. Leaving you hanging=guy not interested. No firm details on a second date=guy not interested.

 

Move on to the next person. It was just one date, no matter how spectacular. Please stop wasting time and energy worrying about someone who is essentially a stranger. You are letting someone who is not going to be part of your life hold you back. Focus instead on finding mutual interest with someone who is a good fit.