question to WW

[selfawareness]

Hi thank you in advance for reading my post.

 

I'd like to hear from a WW with a conservative, reserved, 'puritan,' 'good,' background. If you're a WW who was a virgin when you got married, maybe just one bf but never had sex with him, a woman who believed in chastity until marriage, and then you found yourself being a WW ... would you please share your story. Would you 'enlighten' me as to how you went from being such a 'pure' woman into having an affair? I'm not so much interested in hearing about how bad your husband/marriage became but rather what happened to your altruistic morals? What was the process by which you caved in, into the very thing you 'hated'?

 

If there is a WW who doesn't fit this profile yet you understand the gist of what I'm trying to understand, please feel free to share as well.

[CantgetoveritNY]

I wish my WW would post to this. She's not as virginal as you describe but was very concerned with her "good girl" reputation. She never strayed from a committed relationship. And her reputation was/is very important to her. So how could she, why did she go in the gutter, and not just go in the gutter but go there with a disgusting serail cheating MM? Any MM would have been anathema but a serail cheating one? (She knew he was a serail cheater before she took her pants off for him.) Why did you do it with an MM my WW??? Like you say OP, not why did she hate me, but why did she no longer care about her "good girl" status? I don't get it.

[selfawareness]

thank you for trying to be helpful. The lack of answer is an answer in and of itself ... most if not all WW have a more 'active' past. This is in and of itself would be painful to hear yet true. Exceptions aside that's what i'm gathering so far...

[2sunny]

thank you for trying to be helpful. The lack of answer is an answer in and of itself ... most if not all WW have a more 'active' past. This is in and of itself would be painful to hear yet true. Exceptions aside that's what i'm gathering so far...

 

Most are not virgins.

 

So you've asked a question that qualifies a small percentage of the population.

 

Care to ask your question in different terms?

 

What do you really want to know?

[Act Two]

Hmm..I feel a little weird answering this because I feel like you are digging for a specific answer to make a case, BUT I will answer honestly.

 

I came from a very strict, uptight, religious background. I lost my virginity at a very, very young age with the pastor's son (cliche, right?) and then went back onto the straight and narrow for the rest of my teen years. I did not have sex with my husband until we got married, although we fooled around a lot.

 

I will say this- I was always very good at being outwardly compliant, but was an inner rebel I guess.

 

I did become a WW.

[Praying4Peace]

Me. Strict upbringing. No boyfriends. No sex till marriage though I had a few serious boyfriends (2). I actually even agree with all those morals so I was just as surprised as my poor H. The MM involved was the same type of background. Other than our spouses we haven't been with anyone else.

[selfawareness]

"Most are not virgins. So you've asked a question that qualifies a small percentage of the population. Care to ask your question in different terms?"

 

No. I asked what I meant, and I know I'm seeking interaction with a certain percentage of the population.

 

"most women are not virgins when they marry..... sorry, even some that purport to be, that is dead and gone now for most countries." i agree with you sweetie, my questions still stand.

 

ActTwo, thank you very much for sharing. Praying4peace, do you care to elaborate a little?

 

CantgetoveritNY, thank you very much for your input.

[CantgetoveritNY]

No replies there then lol, sorry I thought this was funny that no one replied.

 

Just to help though, perhaps you can ask how WW got into an affair when they never dreamed that they would ever do that??? You are more likely to get an answer then.

 

Just for the record though, I had a niece who married her first ever boyfriend and even though they were together years, left him for another 8 months later. I think sometimes people just fall into the role of marriage and marry someone totally unsuitable as this is just the next step and possibly then meet someone else who blew them away.

 

And then someone else, and then someone else and then.... the town ride.

[CantgetoveritNY]

Me. Strict upbringing. No boyfriends. No sex till marriage though I had a few serious boyfriends (2). I actually even agree with all those morals so I was just as surprised as my poor H. The MM involved was the same type of background. Other than our spouses we haven't been with anyone else.

 

This shows it can happen to anyone. There are no affair proof marriages. Don't beat yourself up if you are in a love triangle. It can happen to any of you reading this. If you say no, you are dreaming or lying. So don't beat yourself up if you are in a love triangle but get the F out as fast as you can.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I am a FOW, FWW, and a BS. Anyway I was married young (at 18) - my husband was my first real love and I lost my virginity to him.

 

I was brought up conservatively, church all of my life, believed that you were supposed to save yourself for marriage (although my husband and I had sex prior). I was not his first however.

 

I never, ever thought I would find myself in an affair. I think that probably I was so egotistical, so right wing, so prideful, that I was judgemental against those that had found themselves in an affair. I felt I was so superior, so above all of that - never thought I could ever find myself in that spot.

 

I'm not sure how I found myself crossing those lines - all I can say is I am a much more compassionate person. I know we are all human and all capable of the things that we are vehemently against.

 

My husband (who has since had his own affair) would most likely say the same thing, He seems very disgusted with himself - that he could find himself in that position, but he was so hurt and devastated at my own betrayal and he was hurt and lonely. I am not making excuses for his behavior (and he doesn't either), but life isn't always cookie cutter.

 

I do know this - most of the time those that protest and condemn the loudest are probably the ones with the most skeletons I'm their closet. I am proof of that.

 

I still believe in God but I see God way differently than before.

[Spark1111]

Hi thank you in advance for reading my post.

 

I'd like to hear from a WW with a conservative, reserved, 'puritan,' 'good,' background. If you're a WW who was a virgin when you got married, maybe just one bf but never had sex with him, a woman who believed in chastity until marriage, and then you found yourself being a WW ... would you please share your story. Would you 'enlighten' me as to how you went from being such a 'pure' woman into having an affair? I'm not so much interested in hearing about how bad your husband/marriage became but rather what happened to your altruistic morals? What was the process by which you caved in, into the very thing you 'hated'?

 

If there is a WW who doesn't fit this profile yet you understand the gist of what I'm trying to understand, please feel free to share as well.

 

just curious.....why do you want to know?

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Should say "in their closet" - not I'm - couldn't edit.

[selfawareness]

lilmisscantbewrong, thank you very much for your post. I wish you could explain a little more as to not being sure how you crossed those lines.

 

Spark1111, I'm acknowledging your curiosity ... allow me to vent when I feel more at ease.

[Spark1111]

lilmisscantbewrong, thank you very much for your post. I wish you could explain a little more as to not being sure how you crossed those lines.

 

Spark1111, I'm acknowledging your curiosity ... allow me to vent when I feel more at ease.

 

Ok...that's fine. just lately and in the past, many anew poster is conducting a survey, writing a masters or PH.d thesis and asks for voluntary cooperation by posters to participate....or pretends to be a part of the triangle and just barrages all of us with questions etc.

 

So I sometimes grow leery and am only seeking to protect those who willingly pour their hearts and their stories out. I am feeling a little protective of them.

 

With that being said, I was raised very strictly by a devout and somewhat unstable mother, but rebelled greatly against her in adolescence. so no, I was not a virgin when I married and am glad for that.

 

I believe sexual compatibility is of huge importance in a long term committed marriage and am glad I had the experience to know and choose a partner accordingly. yes, we have survived infidelity. His.

 

But I do know virgins at marriage and I have seen two things: Someone miserably married, or adequately married but having a miserable sex life OR great promiscuity and affairs after having married as a virgin.

 

there is a school of psychology that believes we need to experience the psycho sexual dynamic of adolescence between the ages of 15 to 25; namely, dating, kissing, flirting, perhaps petting, having our heart broken and breaking another's heart....IF we hope to resolve this stage and go onto being a better spouse for our future mate.

 

If we are kept to strictly and do not go through this normal and natural experimentation stage....we become stuck and then marry for the wrong reasons but forever wonder about others.

 

Dangerous, don't you think? I do.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I am not sure really. I think at some point, ego takes over. Like "I am above all of this". Look at the religious and political leaders that preach against this stuff and then end up with the same situation in their own lives.

 

With my strong religious background and belief system, I knew it was wrong (so did he), but somehow the lines became blurred. I guess it's a slippery slope. Even though I think both of us recognized we were flirting with each other and it had crossed the lines of no longer being just friends, once that got comfortable it was easier to move to the next step (holding hands, embracing, kissing). It just became something that I (he) wanted.

 

Somewhere in your mind you start to justify it. I remember him even rationalizing polygamy at one point. Of course it was a joke but that's the way you start thinking in those moments of insanity.

 

And I have analyzed myself over the last few years (along with ic) and because of some trauma in my childhood I believe I stopped growing at 16 emotionally and that is how I reacted to many things in my life. I went from my parents home directly to my husbands home and then eventually became a mother. I didn't really have two minutes to be by myself and figure out who I was (I was married at 18). These days I catch myself telling 16 year old limisscantbewrong "No, you are not driving the boat now! I am driving the boat and I am going to take care of you."

 

So I think all of that factors into my crossing that line. I will tell you that after the first time we had sex, I was physically ill that next day. It was from the guilt really. But of course that didn't last for long. Somehow your mind just ends up justifying the whole thing.

 

I don't know if that helps or not.

Edited April 21, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong

[ComingInHot]

lillmiss wrote, " I still believe in God but I see God way differently than before."

 

Why? He is still the same.

You were born w/free will. The freedom to choose between right and wrong.

God created us this way so we had the Choice to Choose Him & what is right.

We all slip up then some correct.

Maybe it's you that should be seeing yourself differently than before.*

[lilmisscantbewrong]

lillmiss wrote, " I still believe in God but I see God way differently than before."

 

Why? He is still the same.

You were born w/free will. The freedom to choose between right and wrong.

God created us this way so we had the Choice to Choose Him & what is right.

We all slip up then some correct.

Maybe it's you that should be seeing yourself differently than before.*

 

I agree with much of what you said. But you have to understand I was raised in a cult most of my life and so my view of God was in a box so to speak. Even after moving to mainstream Christianity I still had him in a box. My mind wouldn't entertain any other differing thoughts on who he was or how he operated. I am not saying I needed to have an affair to get here, but this certainly did help me see people differently and also see how compassionate and loving he is. Not just authoritative god who smacks you down. I now see god in everything - in my friend who are not Christian, in Buddhism, in new age religion, etc. I have seen people outside of Christianity who treat people better than those within the church. It's my view. I can tell you I do view myself differently but I also view god differently as well. I judged my siblings because they had had enough of religion and didn't attend church. Now we are closer than ever because their self righteous sister (that's me) fell from grace. I am thankful for that, although the fall was hard.

 

This is my experience and it is my view of how I see things. It probably will not line up with yours.

Edited April 21, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong

[selfawareness]

lilmisscantbewrong, your disclosure has been an education for me. It seems that regardless of background, FLIRTING takes down the strongest among us ... even those who thought it impossible. Your posts have been very helpful, thank you.

[Coolit]

I joined this site to answer your question. This is almost me. My H and I did have sex before married but we felt so guilty we stopped and went a year without before marrying. He was my 1 and only. I was not his first. I was in my twenties when i met and married him.

 

I am a ww. Why? Because the sex is unbelievable and I am determined not to be caught. If I am I will deserve all the punishment that is poured out on me. I will lose everything. But i will pick up the pieces and carry on.

 

How did it start? For me, i have always been a very sexual person. It was just in my mind for years. Then I had sex and realized hiw fun it can be. And then our sex took a downward turn. We no longer have sex. I wanted to ask H if we could have a dadt but I knew he'd never agree for 2 reasons. 1 is that he always has mentioned how he loves being the only guy. And 2 he is very much against emr as he sees them as a sin.

 

Anyways, along came mm who thinks i am hot. We flirted, we chatted, we hung out, we touched, we kissed and then we had sex. This all took almost 6 months. I had many moments of "what am i doing" but it is an addiction and i am not strong against it.

I was raised very religeous.

[selfawareness]

What happened that you no longer had sex with your spouse? Was that before the affair?

[Coolit]

What happened that you no longer had sex with your spouse? Was that before the affair?

 

We had stopped having regular sex about two years before. We hadn't had sex in about eight months at all before the affair.

[selfawareness]

not having sex for 8 months is a problem in and of itself, your story is obviously missing a big chunk, thanks for sharing though

[Coolit]

not having sex for 8 months is a problem in and of itself, your story is obviously missing a big chunk, thanks for sharing though

 

I think all stories are missing big chunks. I was just Trying to answer your question. Why we stopped having sex has nothing to do with me cheating. Us not having sex is also not to blame but rather just makes me randy. And it got me thinking about an open marriage. And of course imagining. And then when I was handed an oppurtunity i let myself cave little by little.

 

The stopping was him not me.

[selfawareness]

Coolit, do you mind sharing why you didn't have sex with your spouse?

[Praying4Peace]

And it also happens that cheaters live for people to come along and blow their mind. There is always that bigger better deal out there, eh?

 

If someone comes along that "blows their mind", then it stands to reason that it can happen again, and with a cheater's character, they act on it.

 

And when fickle cheaters have been with the same person, having sex with the same person for years, then there aren't many people who wouldn't blow their minds.(people with cheating in their character that is)

 

Nofool4u-

There are all types of people out there who have fallen into a 'cheating' relationship. Some of them might be fickle ones who just want to liven things up. But there are others. Please understand that I agree it is a sign of weakness...I get that. But not all cheaters sought out someone to be unfaithful with.

 

I have been married a dozen years. I've never so much as LOOKED at another man with those thoughts. I'm not one of those girls that even lusts after good looking movie stars. For me its all about connection and personality.

 

I could have cheated many times. I'm not the best looking person but I've been told I have a magnetic personality and an air of confidence (which is now in the toilet). I've always had my filters set really high and very strict boundaries. I don't even have friends that are male. I don't think a married person needs friends of the opposite gender. For someone to get around my walls and boundaries required extreme compatibility and extreme chemistry...and a captive audience (where you have to see each other).

 

Just hope this NEVER happens to you! You never know that perfect woman you meet one day might be married (and didn't tell you) or separated (and oops...needs to go back and give it one more try) or already in a relationship. It's just HELL on earth and believe me for the ones that weren't in it for ****s and giggles the punishment is built into the crime.