fabulousgal Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 How do you accept it? I've been full NC 21 days. Not a peep from me since he devalued our relationship in a matter of 1 hour. The whole 8 months is marred by his parting words. I won't lie and say I did NC to heal, etc. right away. Fundamentally I know it is the best course of action based on previous experiences with breakups. Have I focused on me and what makes me happy? Not quite. 25% of the time might be generous. Otherwise I am depressed, ruminating, hoping for a bread crumb and just sad. I am getting help from a therapist. I'm on a trip right now I invited him on. It's hard. Then I remember how awful he spoke to me during our breakup and I tear up. That's how he wanted to leave things? Even if he wanted out, he could have been respectful instead of tearing me down to make himself feel better. Now I have to live with loving someone who could talk to me like that, which makes me feel even more like a dope. I can't get mad and plow forward. I get mad/sad and stuck
carhill Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 IMO, one of the most valuable lessons divorce and reflecting upon a marriage taught me is that nothing is forever. Forever is billions of moments, each discrete and valuable and subject to change from one to the next. The ability to love deeply and let go when it is time, whether due to breakup, divorce or death, is a gift uniquely human. The same brain chemistry which brings us the enormous heights of love brings the enormous lows of loss and death. The good news is that we go on, hopefully to love again. In all of it, love is not lost. It is a part of us; love for self, love of life. It's a uniquely human renewable resource. It will get better. I guarantee it. 7
Am4Real Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 No disagreement with your synopsis, however the poster seems more affected by the last words of her EX and perhaps the lies associated with the term of their "love". You yourself bring wisdom from your experiences and should start a thread on the subject of loving again. It would be interesting to hear you elaborate and have others contribute. IMO, one of the most valuable lessons divorce and reflecting upon a marriage taught me is that nothing is forever. Forever is billions of moments, each discrete and valuable and subject to change from one to the next. The ability to love deeply and let go when it is time, whether due to breakup, divorce or death, is a gift uniquely human. The same brain chemistry which brings us the enormous heights of love brings the enormous lows of loss and death. The good news is that we go on, hopefully to love again. In all of it, love is not lost. It is a part of us; love for self, love of life. It's a uniquely human renewable resource. It will get better. I guarantee it.
Compromize Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 It gets worse before it gets better. I have seen universally that at the 60 day mark is regression. I am a little ways past the 60 day point and it has gotten worse. But it can only get better now. I have seen the bottom. The only way for all of us here coping with this is up. Sending you serenity and peace and acceptance.
singme2sleep Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 Honestly I think you can't feel better until you believe they aren't coming back, or decide you don't want them back. Of course there are exceptions, but that's how it is for me... 3
Am4Real Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 Agree. Once we accept, truly accept it for what it is -- over -- we tend to rely on hope, don't we? Honestly I think you can't feel better until you believe they aren't coming back, or decide you don't want them back. Of course there are exceptions, but that's how it is for me... 3
i.am Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Hi fabulousgal, you can do it. I couldn't believe why he turned so nasty the day he brroek up with me. The reality is that people change. He has changed so should I. I know it's not easy. Hang on. 1
Amber-rain Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Hey there, I am going through the same thing, lots and lots of ruminating too! I can't stop reading some angry emails we exchanged last week and how he let loose and told me things about myself that were quite mean. And I have found that the longer these discussions went on, the worse they get. Be glad you don't have to hear anything worse now. That is the end of his negative impact to your psyche. Don't let his words get so imbedded though that you start to take them as your own opinion! That being said, I just threw NC in the mix 2 days ago and broke it on Friday Night and then had to write another NC email yesterday. So I guess today is only Day 1 now.. But the one thing I keep thinking about is that I don't want him to talk to me because I don't want to hear anything else bad. I only want positive interactions and I know with him, it always gets ugly.. I hope that can help you too. Good luck!!!
Love4Pain Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 For me personally I think that if I had gone NC I would would have never found out the ugly side of my ex and I would still be believing that everything was a mistake and probably more heartbroken than I am now. Sometimes I still get a twinge, because I loved him, but I probably loved him a lot more than he loved me. What helps me, as I said, is that I've been able to see this ugly side of him that he shows with his actions towards the girl I was left for. I see that the caring loving part of him was just one side that he showed me, but he also has a very selfish, ugly, uncaring side too and I have no idea when or if that would have reared it's ugly head around me had we actually been able to go further in our relationship. So, the truth of his whole character helps me get through our breakup and not make me pine away for him. I just hope for his sake he matures up, and can treat his next gf better than he does this poor one.
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