bitterruin Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 I was in a relationship for almost five years before things ended in a very messy way, you can look at my past posts from here if you wanna see what I went through, but it was ugly, essentially we broke up for a number of reasons, control issues within the relationship being the main issue, but we tried fixing things and we started going through couples counseling until he meets someone else and tells me it's over between us, I go NC for about two months and after realizing that I have grown as a person and that I'll be fine without him I decide we should try giving it one more shot since I still care about him very deeply and if he felt the same way then why not, after approaching him with this we actually get back together. There's no happily ever after though. After a few months the same problems that led to the demise of the previous relationship began to resurface. I've realized that values and behaviors change, but personalities don't. During our time apart we both changed a lot, most of it for the better, I used to be very insecure and controlling, he used to be a manipulative liar, and we both changed these things but ultimately we were very different people with incompatible personalities. I have very different needs and expectations from the relationship that he can't satisfy and at the end of the day I was left feeling unhappy and dissatisfied for the very same reasons I had in the past. I don't know how much I want to reveal but even though I expressed my discontent to him multiple times and we tried to compromise he'd never come through with his end. He'd try for a few weeks but then forget and go right back to his old behavior. I needed more time and attention than him and at times I felt abandoned and I’m sure he felt smothered. After all the coaxing I had to do and the torment I had to go through I decided that the relationship was no longer worth my time and effort and called it quits. Making that decision sucked. I love him. I still do, but I tried my best, we even did counseling again and it didn't work, turns out love alone is not enough. I still sort of wish it had worked and I'm sure that's where you are too, wishing that things worked, that if you had another chance you would do things right this time. But I had a second chance and it wasn't all that different from the first: people don’t change. You're probably rolling your eyes thinking that you and your ex are something special, different to me and mine and that's fine. Go on doing that but you'll be disappointed in the end, even if you get back together and give it your best. But carry on wishing and dreaming, just know that at one point you have to make the conscious decision to wake up to reality. And the reality is that you're going to be lonely, empty and hollow for a very long time until you finally heal. That hope is just you looking for some relief from reality, but that's not going to happen, for now you're gonna have to feel it and endure it. But you'll get through it, no one dies of a heartbreak. So carry on with NC. That's truly the best you can do for yourself, sure, it's gonna leave you bone lonely but most of that loneliness happens when you're lost in memories. Where am I now? I'm ready to begin a new chapter in my life. I'm not ready to find love or let it find me just yet, but I know one very important and big part of my life is truly over. Saying goodbye might be a little sad but that sadness is minimized when put in context with the hellos that will surely follow. I've finally realized that moving on is nothing to be afraid of, there's always another valley on the other side of that mountain. 3
all_cats_rgray Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 I like the part where you say, everyone thinks....no ... my relationship was nothing like this... really if you go to a therapist and talk out your relationship, you will be shocked at how messed up your relationship was. when your in it, you make so many excesses. YOUR BLIND BY LOVE.... its really not "I was blinded, we had a perfect relationship" If you had a perfect relationship, he/she would be talking to you saying lets work on things... IT WAS BAD, stop lying to your self, they are not in love with you ... gah.. welcome to reality
Kobe2345 Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/374799-stopping-update-its-been-14-months-since-we-reconciled 3
travelonic Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 (edited) You're probably rolling your eyes thinking that you and your ex are something special, different to me and mine and that's fine. Go on doing that but you'll be disappointed in the end, even if you get back together and give it your best. A lot of variables go into this - the couple, their personalities, the breakup itself, the relationship before the breakup, changes both have gone through since then [or lack thereof]. Just because it fails for you, just because it CAN fail doesn't mean we should always EXPECT it to fail, or be so certain that e don't TRY it if both persons in the relationship really want to give it their go. As this site has conveyed to me through the stories read, it does sometimes work, sometimes not, but enough of both situations are present where generalizations fail hard. I like the part where you say, everyone thinks....no ... my relationship was nothing like this... really if you go to a therapist and talk out your relationship, you will be shocked at how messed up your relationship was. when your in it, you make so many excesses. YOUR BLIND BY LOVE.... Eh.... so if that's the case often, it's always the case, no exceptions? Anything other than your POV is lying to myself, and not an unwillingness to accept that other cases may be true? With all due respect, these sorts of absolutes make it very hard to take people seriously here - not all of them, all the time, but enough to disturb me given how I enjoy the often objective and actually balanced viewpoints I find here. For example: If I acknowledge all my ex's shortcomings, and her immaturity in handling her wanting to seek greener grass, that doesn't mean that I should be so jaded by that immaturity that I forget that before that were unique times. Here, in my case, we had two people, opposite sexes, with the same disorders, a lot of the same habits and quirks expressed the SAME way, to a "T" - and even enough physical similarities whee with a little work we could pass off as one another. That IS unique - ****, I do see a therapist, and he has never seen anything like this before - which could prove how rare that kind of relationship is. Edited April 20, 2013 by travelonic 1
Author bitterruin Posted April 20, 2013 Author Posted April 20, 2013 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/374799-stopping-update-its-been-14-months-since-we-reconciled Truth is, now that it's over I am happier than I was when I was with him. Maybe things changed between us but not enough to make us a compatible couple. I'm just saying for the rest of the people thinking that your case might be different to mine maybe you're wrong, maybe you're not. Most likely you're wrong though, but that's irrelevant, there's no point in sitting around wallowing hoping for a reconciliation. The only thing you can do is work on yourself to be the best you that you can be for the next time you get a chance at falling in love again, whether or not that is the person you were with before.
Kobe2345 Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 Truth is, now that it's over I am happier than I was when I was with him. Maybe things changed between us but not enough to make us a compatible couple. I'm just saying for the rest of the people thinking that your case might be different to mine maybe you're wrong, maybe you're not. Most likely you're wrong though, but that's irrelevant, there's no point in sitting around wallowing hoping for a reconciliation. The only thing you can do is work on yourself to be the best you that you can be for the next time you get a chance at falling in love again, whether or not that is the person you were with before. Of course, i agree with everything u said, but im just saying sometimes ya never know, and it can come back stronger than ever just trying to be optimistic lol
delicious1970 Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 Truth is, now that it's over I am happier than I was when I was with him. Maybe things changed between us but not enough to make us a compatible couple. I'm just saying for the rest of the people thinking that your case might be different to mine maybe you're wrong, maybe you're not. Most likely you're wrong though, but that's irrelevant, there's no point in sitting around wallowing hoping for a reconciliation. The only thing you can do is work on yourself to be the best you that you can be for the next time you get a chance at falling in love again, whether or not that is the person you were with before. thank you so much - this has really helped me..all i have done for the last year is thinking about how to get my ex husband back...i asked him yesterday to try again - he won't give me another chance.....after reading your blog maybe he just doesn't deserve me..wish you all the best x
Author bitterruin Posted April 26, 2013 Author Posted April 26, 2013 thank you so much - this has really helped me..all i have done for the last year is thinking about how to get my ex husband back...i asked him yesterday to try again - he won't give me another chance.....after reading your blog maybe he just doesn't deserve me..wish you all the best x I know that there isn't much I can say, and though words mean little, it does get better. You've been without him for a year now and are still alive. You're going to be fine without him. I still have my moments and days where I miss him even after trying again but everything will be alright soon enough.
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