Seeing guy tonight...

[Archgirl]

I missed the part where she had HSV1 (oral). Interesting reading, as I found years ago that I carry some antibodies from an exposure, but do not recall having been exposed.

 

Interesting to see how this plays out. I agree, a lot of great people walking around with it. It doesn't have to be a deal breaker.

 

He's not one of them - at least according to her previous threads about him. To be honest the whole thing is a bit of a mystery to me.

[MidwestUSA]

He's not one of them - at least according to her previous threads about him. To be honest the whole thing is a bit of a mystery to me.

Yea, wasn't referring to him. But then again, I don't know him.

[PhoenixRysing]

He's not one of them - at least according to her previous threads about him. To be honest the whole thing is a bit of a mystery to me.

 

Right - there seemed to be a lot of issues with him as a person and for that reason being done with him is likely the right option. However, her last few posts (and the posts of several others) have been wrapped up in his HSV status - which seems like faulty logic to me. Dump him because he's a jerk who leaves her hanging - absolutely! Being stressed about his honesty regarding HSV when she herself has it - this I didn't understand.

[MidwestUSA]

Right - there seemed to be a lot of issues with him as a person and for that reason being done with him is likely the right option. However, her last few posts (and the posts of several others) have been wrapped up in his HSV status - which seems like faulty logic to me. Dump him because he's a jerk who leaves her hanging - absolutely! Being stressed about his honesty regarding HSV when she herself has it - this I didn't understand.

 

What if this takes a twist and his status actually gets him a "sympathy vote"? Stranger things happen.

[PhoenixRysing]

What if this takes a twist and his status actually gets him a "sympathy vote"? Stranger things happen.

 

Honestly, I could see that happening. If all his odd behavior was a result of not knowing how to break this news to her...and she realizes she is actually more of a risk to him that he to her - yep could happen. What is unclear is how much she actually likes him outside of all this. That she was willing to sleep with him had he not stopped her says something.

 

Meanwhile the OP is the one who really knows the most about the situation.

 

The real question OP, is how you feel about him given the way he treats you...

[tuxedo cat]

IIRC, she is HSV free; he has HSV1 in the genitals. So, it's a big deal to her.

 

I have HSV-1 in my mouth. He has it in his genitals.

[tuxedo cat]

We had our date. We abstained from sex for obvious reasons, although I let him go down on me which he seemed to really enjoy. I kind of regret it, though, as I realized afterwards it felt too intimate, sort of out of pace with how close we've gotten. I actually didn't want him too but he was really persistent and finally I relented. (Big mistake, I know.)

 

I'm not sure he's worth continuing to see. I really do like a lot of things about him. He's charming, sexy and really smart. But more and more I'm getting the sense he's not that sweet and that he's more into me physically than anything else. It kind of bothers me that most of what he compliments me about is how I look or how sexy he finds me. I think I have a lot more to offer than that, but it seems lost on him.

 

He's very polite and nice on the surface, which was part of what first drew me to him, yet somehow I don't feel that it runs very deeply. I remember on one of our dates I told him that I liked how sweet he is and he said, "Weird, I don't think of myself as sweet." I keep thinking of that comment. Last night he was saying some judgy things about other people that made me wonder if the politeness is just an act. I know we all have irritations with others but I always find it a bit alarming when somebody complains a lot so early on.

 

I'm also bothered by his flakiness and lack of consideration for my time.

 

He asked me if I could get a passport because he wants to go to Canada at some point and said he would love for me to come along. I thought that was sweet.

 

But overall, I'm just not really feeling it anymore. I mean I do really like him. It's just that I worry he'll end up hurting me and that's the last thing I need after a couple of bad experiences in a row. I can't really explain what it is--there's just this niggling feeling.

 

If he were amazing in every other respect it would probably be worth the risk of contraction.

 

OMG, another red flag. He told me he has trouble staying hard with a condom on. The last thing I'm going to do is have condomless sex with him, especially when he's not even taking suppressant meds.

Edited April 20, 2013 by tuxedo cat

[MsSmurf]

Is this guy against medical intervention or something? As I recall he's doing nothing to treat his severe anxiety and now you're saying he's doing nothing to treat his herpes. So his health is poor and his approach is to do nothing when there are options available. Yeah he's a real keeper. If he's already talking about how condoms are an issue for him and he knows he has a disease he is doing nothing to treat then it seems likely he'd do nothing to keep you from getting it or getting pregnant. Its ultimately your decision on what to do, but really how many more red flags do you need?

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

This will be the first time we've had a real conversation since he revealed to me that he has a STD. I really want things to work out but I have a suspicion this is the end. I'm nervous as hell and even had a glass of wine to calm myself down. Wish me luck!

 

Just fyi: condoms are only somewhat helpful in STD prevention.

[xpaperxcutx]

We had our date. We abstained from sex for obvious reasons, although I let him go down on me which he seemed to really enjoy. I kind of regret it, though, as I realized afterwards it felt too intimate, sort of out of pace with how close we've gotten. I actually didn't want him too but he was really persistent and finally I relented. (Big mistake, I know.)

 

I'm not sure he's worth continuing to see. I really do like a lot of things about him. He's charming, sexy and really smart. But more and more I'm getting the sense he's not that sweet and that he's more into me physically than anything else. It kind of bothers me that most of what he compliments me about is how I look or how sexy he finds me. I think I have a lot more to offer than that, but it seems lost on him.

 

He's very polite and nice on the surface, which was part of what first drew me to him, yet somehow I don't feel that it runs very deeply. I remember on one of our dates I told him that I liked how sweet he is and he said, "Weird, I don't think of myself as sweet." I keep thinking of that comment. Last night he was saying some judgy things about other people that made me wonder if the politeness is just an act. I know we all have irritations with others but I always find it a bit alarming when somebody complains a lot so early on.

 

I'm also bothered by his flakiness and lack of consideration for my time.

 

He asked me if I could get a passport because he wants to go to Canada at some point and said he would love for me to come along. I thought that was sweet.

 

But overall, I'm just not really feeling it anymore. I mean I do really like him. It's just that I worry he'll end up hurting me and that's the last thing I need after a couple of bad experiences in a row. I can't really explain what it is--there's just this niggling feeling.

 

If he were amazing in every other respect it would probably be worth the risk of contraction.

 

OMG, another red flag. He told me he has trouble staying hard with a condom on. The last thing I'm going to do is have condomless sex with him, especially when he's not even taking suppressant meds.

 

I don't understand. If you had reservations about him from the very beginning why did you go on the date and still ended up letting him go down on you? And now you are bringing up all these red flags after the fact.

[tuxedo cat]

I don't understand. If you had reservations about him from the very beginning why did you go on the date and still ended up letting him go down on you? And now you are bringing up all these red flags after the fact.

 

Because he was sweeter at the beginning and I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt at first when some things started cropping up.

 

As I wrote in my post I regret letting him go down on me.

 

I think I'm going to end things.

[Phoe]

This thread makes me so depressed...

 

I was diagnosed last week with Herpes after contracting it when the condom broke while having sex with my boyfriend (now ex. he dumped me).

 

I posted a venting thread about it and got a lot of positive responses about how it won't matter and I'll still have a perfectly normal dating life, and then come to this thread and see the exact opposite with people saying it's not really worth it to date someone with this condition, and with some people saying it's downright gross.

 

Tuxedo, I'm glad that you did attempt to keep seeing him and didn't run at the first mention of his condition.

[tuxedo cat]

Tuxedo, I'm glad that you did attempt to keep seeing him and didn't run at the first mention of his condition.

 

Hey Phoe, I'm really sorry to hear that. You seem like a sweetheart. I'm sure you will find somebody who accepts you, herpes or no.

 

I definitely would have been open to continue seeing him, had he been more receptive to me. He basically told me that he wasn't even sure he could have a relationship with me even if I was OK with having sex with him because it would make him too anxious. (Kinda crappy after I was accepting of him, no?).

 

Last night I finally brought up exclusivity because if we're having sex it's something I need. And he agreed to it but he was also super cold to me about it, as if what I was asking was unreasonable. I don't think it is given how intimate we've gotten and that we've been seeing each other for a month and a half. That really put the nail in the coffin for me.

[Phoe]

Oh, without a doubt. I would stop talking to a girl if she just knew somebody who had genital herpes.

 

something like 1 in 6 women have it and 1 in 9 men have it. A VERY large percentage of these people don't even know they have it because they never show any symptoms.

 

EVERYONE knows someone who has it. They just don't know that they know..

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

something like 1 in 6 women have it and 1 in 9 men have it. A VERY large percentage of these people don't even know they have it because they never show any symptoms.

 

EVERYONE knows someone who has it. They just don't know that they know..

 

As long as they're not having an outbreak (of herpes) when you're with them, you can't get it. So no worries anyway.

[Phoe]

Hey Phoe, I'm really sorry to hear that. You seem like a sweetheart. I'm sure you will find somebody who accepts you, herpes or no.

 

I definitely would have been open to continue seeing him, had he been more receptive to me. He basically told me that he wasn't even sure he could have a relationship with me even if I was OK with having sex with him because it would make him too anxious. (Kinda crappy after I was accepting of him, no?).

 

Last night I finally brought up exclusivity because if we're having sex it's something I need. And he agreed to it but he was also super cold to me about it, as if what I was asking was unreasonable. I don't think it is given how intimate we've gotten and that we've been seeing each other for a month and a half. That really put the nail in the coffin for me.

 

Yeah, definitely seems like he's not the right guy at all. Even if he didn't have herpes!

 

I'm most alarmed by his reluctance with condoms. I'm on antivirals AND would 500% insist on a condom with any future partner. There's ALWAYS a risk of passing it on even when someone is not having symptoms. I wish he would understand that. It's not ok for him to assume it would be safe.

[Phoe]

As long as they're not having an outbreak (of herpes) when you're with them, you can't get it. So no worries anyway.

 

500% incorrect. I got it from someone who has never had an outbreak.

 

When not having an outbreak the virus can still be active in the system and "shed" through skin to skin contact.

[Phoe]

The only way to significantly reduce the risk is to be on antivirals and wear a condom. That reduces the transmission rate to something like 1%

 

But a man who is not on antivirals and does not want to wear a condom? That is not okay. He has a good chance of passing it on like that.

[rocketman122]

Haha I caught that too.

 

I've dated girls like that before. They thought they were giving me a real honor when they "offered" to "let" me go down on them.

 

Needless to say, when I declined, they were shocked and confused.

 

when I need to go, honor or not, I dont give a fruck. the smell and taste drives me crazy. especially if she just took a whiz or a dump. if she's a bitch, ill just take her panties and leave her hanging.

 

if we men could control our cocks we would rule the world.

[tuxedo cat]

What is the reason? The overall picture, or herpes? Or do you think HOA sweetness wasnt authentic?

 

What is HOA?

[iris219]

500% incorrect. I got it from someone who has never had an outbreak.

 

When not having an outbreak the virus can still be active in the system and "shed" through skin to skin contact.

 

Are you sure he has never had an outbreak?

 

Just curious...

[Phoe]

Are you sure he has never had an outbreak?

 

Just curious...

 

Can I be 100% sure? Of course not. No one can be 100% sure on anything, ever.

 

I never had reason to not believe him though. He told me he has had 2 partners before me, both with condoms. He is very thorough and particular about his penis and had he ever noticed so much as a bump he would have freaked out. Heck, he didn't even KISS me until a month into dating, when he finally asked me to be his girlfriend.

 

None of what he told me appeared disingenuous.

 

He was very alarmed when I told him it could only have been from him. He immediately considered that I must have cheated on him, was VERY cold towards me for several days, but finally went and got his blood taken. During the waiting period he went through several stages of denial to outright self-blame. Once the test came back positive I think he was so overwhelmed.

 

When he dumped me he said that all he wanted was to have a girlfriend so that his friends would stop giving him a hard time about always being single, but that all the trouble that came from this was not worth it. He said it was all too high a price to pay. I was kinda just a placeholder, a suitable girl to fit the bill, but there was never any kind of special thing he saw in me that made him REALLY WANT me.

 

I do think part of it was shame and embarrassment about passing this on to me without ever knowing he had it.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

Can I be 100% sure? Of course not. No one can be 100% sure on anything, ever.

 

I never had reason to not believe him though. He told me he has had 2 partners before me, both with condoms. He is very thorough and particular about his penis and had he ever noticed so much as a bump he would have freaked out. Heck, he didn't even KISS me until a month into dating, when he finally asked me to be his girlfriend.

 

None of what he told me appeared disingenuous.

 

He was very alarmed when I told him it could only have been from him. He immediately considered that I must have cheated on him, was VERY cold towards me for several days, but finally went and got his blood taken. During the waiting period he went through several stages of denial to outright self-blame. Once the test came back positive I think he was so overwhelmed.

 

When he dumped me he said that all he wanted was to have a girlfriend so that his friends would stop giving him a hard time about always being single, but that all the trouble that came from this was not worth it. He said it was all too high a price to pay. I was kinda just a placeholder, a suitable girl to fit the bill, but there was never any kind of special thing he saw in me that made him REALLY WANT me.

 

I do think part of it was shame and embarrassment about passing this on to me without ever knowing he had it.

 

Damn, this sucks! You're one of the cooler girls on here too.

 

I'm truly sorry that this happened to you.

[tuxedo cat]

What is the reason? The overall picture, or herpes? Or do you think his sweetness wasnt authentic?

 

I think you'd understand if you heard the conversation we had when I brought up exclusivity since we were getting close to having sex. He was really snappy and cold with me.

 

Yeah, I don't think his initial sweetness was authentic.

[tuxedo cat]

I've drafted an email ending things. I'm going to sleep on it and not send it immediately. Let me know if you guys have any suggestions.

 

Dear -----,

 

 

After our conversation earlier, I don't think we should continue seeing each other. I actually think we're on the same page--like you I don't feel fully ready for a relationship just yet but I do want exclusivity.

 

But I'll be honest. I felt you were a bit cold in response to a pretty reasonable question at this stage, and that kind of hurt and puzzled me. It wasn't the content of what you said but your tone. In general, I'm doubting your interest and have been for awhile. I felt we were equally into each other at first but something changed.

 

 

While I don't need a relationship immediately and agree that that would be premature, I do need to feel that the person I'm seeing is affectionate and excited about getting to know me better. One of the things I was taken with about you at the start was how warm you were, but you seem a bit emotionally closed off now and it makes it difficult for me to let my own guard down. I'm a little puzzled by what changed.

 

 

I believe that I have a lot to offer as a person and I want to be with somebody who fully appreciates that.

 

 

I want you to know this has nothing to do with what you told me the other day about yourself. Thank you for being so honest with me. I was very willing to continue seeing you and excited to do so. I just don't feel that my interest is reciprocated.

 

 

 

-TC