Considering break up after 6 years together

[yougotmyheart]

I want to start off by saying that I am currently considering visiting a counselor, psychologist, or someone of that nature. Not sure of who would be best to visit exactly..? But maybe you can help m determine who is the best fit for me after reading my thread.

 

I am being completely honest here, so I would really appreciate it if I can have helpful advice instead of judgement. I have a very private life/relationship, so there is no one in real life who I'd discuss this information with, which is why I am here. I will try not to make this too long!

 

I am in my early 20's. My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 6 years now. We've lived together for about 4 years. We have two small children, and I am currently pregnant with our third. My boyfriend was actually my first boyfriend ever and I'd consider him to be a great friend. We've had our ups and downs throughout these years, but now I am feeling like I can't do it anymore, seriously. I say this because of our financial issues. Out of all the time we've been living together, I've maintained a full-time job always and unfortunately, he hasn't had much luck. He's worked several odd jobs here and there, but he's never maintained anything steady. Therefore, I have always been the breadwinner/head of household. This is an issue with me because I feel like I need him to AT LEAST be able to cover 50% of our expenses. I am not even asking him to totally take care of everything, I just want things to be a partnership. I understand that we had children at a young age and that the economy and job market is horrible, but we are really struggling now. I lost my job a couple of months ago. Since then, my boyfriend has been working part-time. Obviously, this is not enough to pay the bills. Over the past two months, we've been living on my income tax funds, but now the account is depleted. His income alone isn't enough to sustain anything. My father is now helping to pay my car note and my car insurance, which I really hate having to ask my family for assistance. Our rent is due on the 1st and my boyfriend assures me that he will have it, but his job only scheduled him 8 hours of work this week. I do not feel confident that he will be able to take care of it. And today, I am even more upset because I have enrolled our daughter in an excellent preschool earlier this year, which will allow her to transfer into a great private school after she graduates. I've been able to handle the payments up until now (because I've been out of work and recently ran out of money). My boyfriend (her father) said he would be able to pay. Now, her tuition is due today and he told the director that he doesn't have any money to pay anything towards it. The director called me and explained what happened and she regretfully informed me that if I don't have the tuition by Monday, we will have to un-enroll our daughter. I am so upset, I was brought to tears. I do not want to ask my father for the money because he is already helping to pay for my car note/insuance and that is too much money to ask for, for her Preschool. I am just so upset in this situation that we are in. I have a job interview next week with a Pharmacy and I am really praying that I am offered a position, especially since I have an employee referral. But, I don't think that is going to solve all of my problems. Since having all of these intense financial issues, I have honestly been feeling very depressed. I am only in my early 20s but I have totally let myself go appearance wise. I am not in the best mind set and I don't know if I can emotionally/mentally handle this situation anymore. Like I said, we have never lived up to my standards, because he hasn't been working a steady full-time job, ever (except for once, but that was short lived). But at least when I was working, we were comfortable and had our needs taken care of. But this situation that we are in now, I feel like I really can't handle it.

 

It seems weird to me to consider leaving someone after 6 years together, especially while I am pregant with his child, but I honestly don't know what to do. I may even be feeling over emotional today because it's my birthday, but due to our finances, I've been sitting in the house all day, doing nothing. It's also weird because one day I can feel great and hopeful. Like Wednesday, I sent my boyfriend a lovely email letting him know how much I love him and telling him not to feel like a failure and that we can make it through this difficult time as long as we stay together. I said all that, only for me to feel like I can't do this anymore just two days later. I don't know what's right or wrong to do. I hope I didn't leave out anything important. If you have any questions for me, I'd be happy to answer them .I just need advice and someone to talk to. Thanks.

[Eggplant]

Forget the private preschool. Read to your kids, and let them play together -- that's better.

 

You're young and beautiful. And if you're a little out of shape, you'll get it back! Stop panicking.

 

If your husband can't get a job, let him care for the children.

 

What country are you from? Can't you get jobs washing dishes at least?

[BlackGoaty]

Why cant your BF take up more part time jobs? He can get jobs washing dishes if he do not want to look after the kids. Let him take responsibilities and you must also empower him with that.

 

If you are not able to enrol your kids in an expensive school, go to the national funded ones which are cheaper and I would not think they are any less than a private school. Schooling begins from home, from the parents, not in private schools with high paying teachers.

[Silveron]

Do you live in the United States? Here we have programs that can offer assistance to people who are in these sort of situations. Contact the county or local government and see if there are programs out there.

 

You can not only get fiancial assistance but your bf can usually get free training as well.

[yougotmyheart]

Forget the private preschool. Read to your kids, and let them play together -- that's better.

 

You're young and beautiful. And if you're a little out of shape, you'll get it back! Stop panicking.

 

If your husband can't get a job, let him care for the children.

 

What country are you from? Can't you get jobs washing dishes at least?

 

I'm in the U.S.

 

The preschool is important because it allows low-income families (like ours) to receive a scholarship to a private elementary school. This is extremely important to me because in our area all of the public schools are horrible. My child actually has a chance at a great education and I want to be able to provide that for her, at any costs.

 

We are living in poverty. We cannot afford for anyone to be a stay-at-home parent. In order to make ends meet, we both need to be employed full-time.

 

I may have a prospective job being offered to me that's in the financial industry, but it doesn't start until a few weeks from now. My fiancé has been applying all over, but he hasn't had any luck. There are a lot of Americans who are unemployed, unfortunately. But my fiancé has never maintained a full-time job for a decent amount of time and I've always been the breadwinner. I just want him to be able to meet me half way for once.

 

We are late on our rent for this month and he is going to speak with our rental company to see if we can work something out. Our situation is bad and seems to keep getting worse. I don't know if I should keep trying to make things work out as a family or if I should just part ways and have time to myself. Things are just not in order.

[yougotmyheart]

Why cant your BF take up more part time jobs? He can get jobs washing dishes if he do not want to look after the kids. Let him take responsibilities and you must also empower him with that.

 

If you are not able to enrol your kids in an expensive school, go to the national funded ones which are cheaper and I would not think they are any less than a private school. Schooling begins from home, from the parents, not in private schools with high paying teachers.

 

In regards to what you said about the private school, I addressed that in my previous post above. You can check it out to see what I said.

 

He is having difficulty securing a job and taking care of our family, as usual. He has applied for jobs all over, but he hasn't secured anything. This has been going on for four years now, as far as him not working full-time and being able to split out bills 50/50. I feel that I've been great at trying to empower him. Whenever he has lost a job in the past, I was always still employed and taking care of EVERYTHING, all of our expenses.

 

I am tired of living this way. I need him to be the head of our household for once and hold things down. It has been proven that if I am not the one working, things do not get done.

 

I feel really depressed by the entire situation. This 'depression' has caused me to not feel confident and good about myself, I've lost motivation to do things that I care about, I feel like I've lost vision, and my grades in college have suffered. I feel like I am going insane.

[yougotmyheart]

Do you live in the United States? Here we have programs that can offer assistance to people who are in these sort of situations. Contact the county or local government and see if there are programs out there.

 

You can not only get fiancial assistance but your bf can usually get free training as well.

 

We are already receiving food stamps and health insurance for our children from the government, but we are still struggling. We still have our rent to pay, utilities, internet/phone bill, gas, misc. expenses, etc.

 

Gov't assistance is not a solution to our problems.

[SmokeRat]

This 'not being able to get a job' is a load of bull crap. Being honest.

 

You're boyfriend needs to realize that he has family to take care of, a lovely girlfriend and three (soon) children. Those are his priorities. SIMPLE.

 

McDonalds' is always hiring. Wendy's. Arby's. All that jazz. Construction companies are ALWAYS looking for grunts to sling a hammer or shovel.

 

Listen, I live in Canada and we don't have it nearly as horrible as our brothers in the South do, but he needs to suck it up.

 

You want to push him a bit harder? Grab the newpapers and look into the help wanted ads, start picking out jobs he can take. His full time job, until he gets a full time job, is to search for that job. DAY AND NIGHT. As soon as 6am hits, he should be out there, stopping by businesses and calling people about work. Drop a resume, follow up in a week and cycle like that.

 

I would kick small puppies to be in the position your boyfriend is in. Girlfriend that loves him unconditionally (nearly), and some children in this world.

 

Keep you head held high. You're a lovely, kind young woman. But at the end of the day, you can only push so hard, your boyfriend has to be the one that WANTS this.

[yougotmyheart]

This 'not being able to get a job' is a load of bull crap. Being honest.

 

You're boyfriend needs to realize that he has family to take care of, a lovely girlfriend and three (soon) children. Those are his priorities. SIMPLE.

 

McDonalds' is always hiring. Wendy's. Arby's. All that jazz. Construction companies are ALWAYS looking for grunts to sling a hammer or shovel.

 

Listen, I live in Canada and we don't have it nearly as horrible as our brothers in the South do, but he needs to suck it up.

 

You want to push him a bit harder? Grab the newpapers and look into the help wanted ads, start picking out jobs he can take. His full time job, until he gets a full time job, is to search for that job. DAY AND NIGHT. As soon as 6am hits, he should be out there, stopping by businesses and calling people about work. Drop a resume, follow up in a week and cycle like that.

 

I would kick small puppies to be in the position your boyfriend is in. Girlfriend that loves him unconditionally (nearly), and some children in this world.

 

Keep you head held high. You're a lovely, kind young woman. But at the end of the day, you can only push so hard, your boyfriend has to be the one that WANTS this.

 

Thanks for your reply! It certainly made me feel a bit better.

 

I've already taken that approach actually. I have found jobs for him to apply to. I've even went so far as to apply for jobs for him myself! More recently, I applied for a banking job for him. He went on the interview, but just got word that they are not offering him a position. It sucks. I feel like I've done everything that I possibly can.

 

After getting word today that we may possibly be evicted if we don't have help from a local agency, I am really fed up and upset. I am considering leaving him. I know money isn't everything, but it's become everything, now that we don't have anything.

 

Do you think I should take a break from our relationship? Or should I stay with him?

[lolablue17]

How "leaving him" will improve you financial issues?

[Ladybug12]

I agree with Lola. Leaving him will not solve your financial issues. It's going to be hard to find someone willing to help you support your 3 children.. It sounds like you are just angry at him and in a panic. I would wait before making the hasty decision to leave him as this may just add the unnecessary stress of missing him to your situation. Preschool is soo expensive. You can always homeschool until your child is ready for kindergarten (free public school). My little sister is also one to never be able to find a job. She's 26 and relies heavily on my mom for support. She is an awesome person, but her mind stops her from doing what she needs to do to keep a job. A poor attitude and depression seems to be her problem. She thinks too negatively about every job scenario so doesn't apply herself to try to attain work. Your situation is very difficult, you will need to do whatever you can to get by and protect your kids. I would hold on to the boyfriend as cutting him out of your life might make things worse for you financially. Also, take all the help you can get from family. I am sure they will understand with 3 children to take care of. Try to find creative solutions. Can you start an in home daycare? Work at a daycare? Can your boyfriend watch the kids while you do work during the day and school at night to train for a higher paying job? Practice inner strength. You have the rest of your life to figure out your relationship problem and easier to figure out once the kids are in school full time..

[yougotmyheart]

How "leaving him" will improve you financial issues?

 

Well, as I have mentioned, I have been taking care of everything financially for all of this time, years now as a matter of fact. Leaving him will allow me to better myself. It's less worry, stress, and financial strain having one less person to take care of.

 

If you were doing everything on your own, but was in a relationship with someone who didn't add anything at all, do YOU think it would be useless to leave?