babyblues Posted September 18, 2004 Posted September 18, 2004 Hi everybody. I've never posted anything before, but I need some advise. I'm really hurting. I met a wonderful man last May just after a breakup with a man I had been seeing for almost 2 years. He had just broken up with a woman after 5 years. He is 39 and I am 41. We started going out as "Friends", then "Friends" with "Fringe Benefits". Both of us knew we were the others rebound. By July I started to get to close and broke things off. That lasted about 2 weeks. We were back together and started spending more and more time together. Periodically, he would tell me we are getting to close and one of us would step back for awhile. In the meantime neither of us is seeing anyone else. As the months go by we get closer. We have a great time together, great sex, a good understanding of each other and one another's needs/wants/desires; good communication, respect, etc. He takes me to dinners/parties with his most valued clients, I have met his family - spent time doing things with his mother, we have taken trips together, I have met and spent time with his oldest and closest friends, we go to church together, I helped him put a new business together and have helped him furnish and renovate his new house. He trusts me to use his credit cards and drive his expensive cars. And, he enjoys spending time with my 16 yr. old son. In February, just before Valentines' Weekend we are on a date and he asks me what I'm doing for Valentines' Day. My response was that since I didn't have a sweetheart to go out with I would probably have a girl's night out. He was going out of town to a bodybuilding conference. The next day he asks me to go with him and when he picks me up he has flowers and a gift for me while making the remark that where we are going isn't very romantic, but we'll make the best of it. A full year has passed, I have fallen in love with this man. He has a wonderful heart, loves the Lord and has been a blessing to me in every way. We have not conveyed our feelings to each other. August came around, I had to have a major female surgery. He was so supportive and attentive to me. When I was able to come home from the hospital I spent the night at his house. He made the statement, "I've got my house, I've got my dogs and I've got My (my name) back with me everything is perfect". September comes, we are having breakfast and he tells me, "My parents love you, my dogs love you and protect you when I'm gone, my friends/clients adore you, but I'm not in love with you. I want to date other people but I feel guilty, sex is great, you are a wonderful, exciting, well rounded, beautiful woman, etc". I was rather dumbfounded by this statement, so I gracefully got up from the table, got dressed and walked out the door. We have had several telephone conversations in which I told him exactly how I feel about him/us everything and he tells me I'm sorry baby, but I don't love you - I have deep feelings for you but not love and the only thing to do at this point is to either get engaged or breakup. During these conversations he did convey to me that our breakup has nothing to do with the fact that I can no longer have kids - that didn't matter. We both back slid and ended up spending the night together because we were both having a hard time and needed to be held and touched. I knew this was a mistake, and that his reasons for sleeping with me were strictly carnal vs. my love for him. He says he misses me but that hurts to hear because I feel its not genuine. And he wants to remain friends because he is so close to me. I hurt so badly and I don't really know quite how to deal with this because the emotional scales are so unbalanced. I feel so rejected and used. Can someone out there give me some sage advise.
netrie Posted September 18, 2004 Posted September 18, 2004 B.B. This is MORE than baby blues. I am so sorry for your pain because I HAVE BEEN IN THE SAME situation since last October 2003 up until 3.5 weeks ago when I pulled a NO CONTACT. Thanks so much for your posting as I was feelings so BLUE and rejected and lousy today that I opened this up to find your post and it is about identical to my situation---- the only difference is that I NEVER told my ex bf that I loved him and he never told me (i was afraid of rejection as I sensed something...) However, I was able to let him "let me know his feelings" in another indirect approach. Oh. Boy. Did I ever get his true side. He literally wrote me after a "fall out" and I apologized with my heart and he said, "sex with you is great and highly desireable but we will never have a true romance or close friendship." What an a**h***! In other word, he does not love me and will never love me... So, as weak as I was and the love I felt for him-- he'd call and I would be there for him. A month ago all I was doing was crying at a certain point and I had to end it. Today 4 weeks later I want to "see" him but I know he will hurt me. I feel so anxious, nervous and rejected and alone and also angry in a way and frustrated too. I also feel very used but I do not want to be a victim or bitter because in a strange way, I allowed all of this too. I have been dating but I do not feel any connection. Tonight I have a dinner date but I almost know this is not such a good idea but a part of me keeps on saying "get out and try." I hope this helps so that you know you are NOT alone. I am 41 years old too, and the guy is 46. Netalia
netrie Posted September 18, 2004 Posted September 18, 2004 He let me know after nearly a year has gone by and treating me like a queen too, that "this is a short term" relationship until he finds "the one" and then he will end it with me! I need my head examined.
Merin Posted September 18, 2004 Posted September 18, 2004 Baby, I'm sorry you're hurting. It seems that you got involved with someone on a level that was mutually understood would be nothing more and nothing less than friends, with benefits.... IMHO this is always a mistake because it is typical for one party involved to become emotionally attached and want more from the "relationship" Unfortunatley that person in this situation was you At this point he has let you know that he isn't in Love with you, and he wishes to continue the "friendship with benefits" but he wants to seek a romantic relationship with someone else.... Continuing to have a sexual relationship with this man or really even to continue to hang out with him at this time is a mistake. He has made up his mind regarding what he wants from the "relationship" with you and it isn't the same thing as you want with him.... so to continue to accept phone calls, "dates", or have a sexual relationship with him is only going to confuse you, and make you feel used and badly. Let go of him and don't allow him to contact you any longer Baby. The idea that the two of you can STILL be JUST friends (without benefits) isn't reasonable. When someone tells you they are sorry, but they aren't in Love with you, beleive them. Let go, and move on. It doesn't matter that his friends like you, or his family.... it doesn't matter if he trust you with his credit cards and expensive cars, shoot I trust my best friend with all of those things in my own life but that doesn't equal being in love with someone or wanting to persue a romantic relationship. Time.... time is the only thing at this point that is going to make you feel any better. You're an awesome person Baby, and you deserve to have someone that IS in love with YOU and does want a RELATIONSHIP. All the best
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