leonine Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 Things have been going pretty well for us lately. We've finished a few projects around the house, we've got some fun things coming up (vacation, concerts, evenings with friends, etc.), and we've both been feeling good about us in general. It's been nice and my BH even remarked the other day, "life is good". You have no idea how happy it made me to hear him say that. This morning though, I woke up from a dream that really disturbed me. In it, the xMM was trying to talk me into doing something. I don't remember exactly what it was, but I don't think it was anything sexual. I didn't want to do whatever it was, but it was like i was being compelled to. I wasn't in control of my actions. He was somehow pulling the strings to make me do it against my will. I would like to say that I in no way view this as how my affair went down. He definitely pursued me, but I have never thought of nor portrayed myself as his victim. I completely own my poor choices in regards to him. I generally don't put much stock in dreams (most of mine are pretty mundane - driving to work, making dinner, etc.), but this one really got to me for some reason. I just felt so terrible that I had brought this into our lives. I told my husband about it while we were still in bed and just broke down sobbing. He was very sweet and held me, told me he loved me and that he knew how sorry I am for what I did. The whole thing has set me off today. My husband called a little bit ago to check up on me and tell me he loves me and I almost started crying again. If I didn't have some meetings today that I couldn't put off, I just would have worked from home. I think a lot of people believe that the WS gets away with something if the BS chooses to reconcile. Believe me when I say that I for one feel that I've gotten away with nothing and it kills me that I hurt my husband so badly in the process. I know that it's my own fault, and that I brought this all on myself, but pain is pain and this for sure hurts more than anything I've ever dealt with. I can only imagine what a BS goes through, and I'll spend the rest of the time I have with my husband trying to atone for my actions. We have a nice weekend planned and I'm optimistic that some time alone with him (and maybe a glass of wine or two) will put me in a better mental state. I really am hoping though that a time will come when this all fades more into the background for both of us. Not really sure why I'm posting this. Just story from the trenches on the WS side of things I guess. 9
Furious Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 Leonine You post is very touching and shows how open, compassionate, and honest you are with your husband, it's the best gift you can give him. That alone allows you to both heal and move foward toward the beautiful future you have together. Forgiveness is a gift you both give to each other when there's remorse coupled with respect and love. Have the best weekend filled with intimacy and smiles. 7
Author leonine Posted April 20, 2013 Author Posted April 20, 2013 Thank you for the kind words Furious. This has all really hit me hard today. I actually started tearing up again reading your post. I'm generally not a cryer. I can't even blame PMS. lol 2
BetrayedH Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 Leonine, from everything I read in your posts, you and your husband are going to make it through this. You are remorseful and your husband is forgiving, consoling, and hopeful. That's worth celebrating. 4
whichwayisup Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 It's time to forgive yourself. Your husband has and he's shown that you're worth fighting for and wants you as his wife. 4
Spark1111 Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 Poster child for mental health OR overcoming a mentally ill, untreated mother. You felt compelled to do something you did not want to do by MM in your dream? Examine that. your subconscious is trying to tell you something........ 1
Author leonine Posted April 20, 2013 Author Posted April 20, 2013 Poster child for mental health OR overcoming a mentally ill, untreated mother. You felt compelled to do something you did not want to do by MM in your dream? Examine that. your subconscious is trying to tell you something........ Hi Spark, I'm not sure what you're referring to with the first line of your post, but yes, I've been thinking about that dream and I'm sort of at a loss. Like I said, I've never for even a second thought of myself as a victim in all this. I did something that was against my moral code with him - something that I greatly regret now - but I don't think he made me do it. In the dream, he was being very charming. He wasn't threatening me or anything like that. It literally was like I didn't have physical control over my body though. I was telling him I didn't want to do whatever it was, but I was unable to stop and I "knew" that it was because of him. I haven't figured it out yet. I did have one other dream that involved him back when the affair was in its last days. In the dream, I had gone on a hike with a couple of friends. When we got back to the cars in the parking lot, my friends got in their cars and left, but when I went to get into my car, I realized that I had lost my keys and phone. The only thing I could think to do was to retrace my steps and see if I could find my keys. The trail I was hiking on was right next to a road and cars would go past me from time to time. Eventually, I heard a car come up behind me and instead of passing me, it slowed down and was pacing me. I turned around and looked and it was MM. I thought to myself, "great, he can give me a ride home or help me look for my keys", but when I went to approach the car, he backed up and wouldn't let me get close enough to talk to him. He didn't look like he was trying to be mean or laughing at me or anything like that, in fact he was smiling and looked genuinely friendly. I kept walking along the road and he kept pacing me. Every time I turned around to ask for help, he'd back up, all the while smiling in a friendly way. I got so frustrated I eventually was crying and yelling at him to either stop and help me or just go away and leave me alone, but what he was doing was killing me. Don't need to be a psych major to figure out what that one was about...
2sunny Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 There's unresolved issues that are showing up in your subconscious mind. Likely the OM still has a hold on you in some way. Dreams are a gift - insight into working on unresolved issues that still take up space in the mind. Are you in counseling? Have you done extensive counseling? I'd suggest getting with a counselor ASAP that deals with dream analysis and interpretation. When I have "those dreams" - it means I have work to do - work that helps me regain my peace of mind after working through the issue that's so important that it invades my mind while I'm supposed to be resting peacefully! My gut says you're still handing the OM your power.
Jonah Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 What I like about bad dreams is the real warning contained within. The dream you described will certainly help keep you on track! Waking from a nightmare brings me gratitude that it wasn't real and grants perseverance to insure that it didn't come true. Horrible is having a nightmare and waking to find it is also reality. Like near d-day... Know what I mean? I got to suffer a full week of threadbare sleep in a continuous nightmare, each time on waking frantically searching the bed for my ws hoping the nightmare was only a dream, but it was reality too. There was no escaping the horror. 1
Author leonine Posted April 20, 2013 Author Posted April 20, 2013 My gut says you're still handing the OM your power. That certainly fits with the narrative of the dream, but I can't figure out how I am. He really doesn't occupy much space in my head anymore. Really the only time I think about him is when a discussion on here brings something up. On the other hand, he's obviously enough in my head that I had this dream. I'll keep thinking about it.
2sunny Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 That certainly fits with the narrative of the dream, but I can't figure out how I am. He really doesn't occupy much space in my head anymore. Really the only time I think about him is when a discussion on here brings something up. On the other hand, he's obviously enough in my head that I had this dream. I'll keep thinking about it. You need professional help - it would also help your M. It must be in your subconscious mind or you wouldn't have dreamt about him - much less had such a severe emotional reaction to the dream. That says it all - and you need to sift through it with a fine tooth comb. Did he end the affair or you? In the dream it's telling that you hand him too much power and are a puppet to him. You can get past this but it helps to work through it instead of avoiding it.
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