Does NC really happen?

[Sadwife37]

I just read a thread under OW/OM about NC and how long it lasted. I believe every poster said NC was broken. Many talk about contact starting again and the BS being lied to about that. Even after DDay. My H swears there has been NC since Dday. Was this the case for you? As a BS did your WS promise NC and keep that promise? Or as a WS did you keep your promise of NC? First I found the idea of NC impossible - how could a long term relationship end suddenly and both parties cut all contact instantly. Shouldn't it have meant more??? After all everything was risked for the A. I final started to trust that it really did end instantly on DDay and was never deeply emotional or meaningful and was a feel good fun friends with benefits sort of thing where both were married and never expected a future and when DDay happened reality set in and the A was a thing in the past that both wanted to move past and put the mistakes behind them and focus on the future. Am I crazy? Did NC happen successfully for you? I can't believe all WS fail at it. Or I don't want to believe that.

[BetrayedH]

My WW failed at it. She admitted to it once and then I caught her a second time.

 

Sorry to say it but I believe what you saw on the OW forum to be the norm. They almost always need several rounds of broken NC before it sticks. You could be the exception to the rule but from what I see, thinking you're the exception IS the rule.

[loredo21]

I can give you a little hope at least. Former MOW here and exMOM has never tried to contact me since Dday. 9months and counting. Not saying it could never happen, but so far we've done a good job.

[ladydesigner]

My WH broke NC 4 times and swore he never broke NC. I had to use different ways to catch him. If you still have that gut feeling and your WH isn't being transparent, meaning giving you all of his passwords to everything, there really is no way to know. Also if you need any ideas keyloggers and voice recorders will get you the evidence you are looking for.

 

Since DDay 4 when I was serious about divorce and left for a week, my WH started to see what he did and what he was loosing. He has maintained NC for 6 months now and knows that if there is anymore broken contact we will be done. Stick a fork in me.

[anne1707]

Former WS here. Yes I broke NC in the first few months but not since - and that is in spite of working together. You will find that some here will idealise and try to make out that there is no greater love than there is between a WS and an AP. My opinion on that? Well it would get me an infraction.

[Bittersweetie]

I'm a former WS too. I have not broken NC since d-day well over three years ago. I have no desire to. I hope this helps you.

[dichotomy]

After demand for NC, wife kept her promise of NC, to the best of my knowledge.

 

However, what she hid from me was that OM was still occassionally (once or twice a year) reaching out to her to leave messages via various means, including one of her friends.

 

 

So I guess I had to redefine what NC meant to me. Electronic Blocks were put in place to stop OM directly, and another promise made by wife that if anyone (OM or mutual friends) did get through again with any message - there would have to be a major a confrontation - slam - of OM or Friend. So far so good, to the best of my knowlege

[AnotherRound]

Some people can maintain it - hopefully your WH is one of those - if he is putting a lot into the reconciliation, he probably is remaining NC. These boards are a pretty small sample of people considering the amount of people in the world - don't let them get you down. You can probably find some statistics online regarding the amount of WSs that maintain NC - that would probably be a more realistic reflection of the world's population than a few posters on an internet forum, imo.

 

Good luck!

[Spark1111]

My fWS broke NC in the first few months, but I didn't insist upon it as I had thrown him out.

 

In fact, I encouraged him to go be with his soul mate. yet, he still begged to reconcile.

 

Doubt he ever told her he had carte Blanche to be with her. So, he would talk to her about how poorly our reconciliation was going. I guess to garner sympathy and to keep her as his fall back girl, his Plan B. Which was funny in retrospect as I had no intention of reconciling.

 

Yes, it's normal....to a degree. But you have to put your boundary in place.

 

I told him unequivocally that if there was accidental or intentional contact and I wasn't informed immediately, we were done. And I meant it.

 

He should be trying to prove to you he is no contact. have all his passwords? Does he hand over his phone, give you complete access to his emails, personal and work?

 

And you know what? if you have the slightest doubt, and you very well may for a long time, place a VAR in his car or a key logger on his computer.

 

WHATEVER IT TAKES to restore trust and regain your sanity.

[CantgetoveritNY]

A couple of months post Dday I found hidden writings of my WW that indicated that NC was definitely in place. She was surprised that her MM had not attempted to contact her at all. Like a typical WW she thought the A meant enough to him that he would break NC. When he did not, she was so surprised. LOL. She reads here on LS and knows what is typical. She thought she was soooo special. She thought that their A was magic. LMAO. To know that she was the typical OW to this MM crushed her self esteem. Not that a WW/OW has any real self esteem anyway but what little she had was buried by the MM keeping to NC. Sweet. Take that you lying cheating ..wh@#r@ Your MM doesn't even care enough to try to contact you post DDay. D'is!

 

It helped her realize she had been used. Growth? IDK.

[Furious]

Perhaps, breaking no contact has more to do with the ego than it has to do with the affair partner?

 

The WS or affair partner have been on a high calorie diet of ego boosting brain chemicals. When the affair ends the addiction lives on.

 

Reality sets in and it's difficult to revert to the average Joe or Judy because in the affair they're larger than life.

 

The thing is most affairs do not move past the fantasy, when the secrecy is over and the opportunity to make it a legitimate relationship the WS usually only choose to bring the affair further underground rather than bringing their relationship out in the open.

 

Strange how breaking NC in most cases is not about moving it into a legitimate relationship but rather an attempt at preserving the affair.

[Sarabi]

Strange how breaking NC in most cases is not about moving it into a legitimate relationship but rather an attempt at preserving the affair.

Yes. Absolutely I definitely relate to what you are saying here.

[Sadwife37]

Thank you everyone for your replies. It helps tremendously to be able to communicate with others that are experiencing similar experiences.

I really can't say that I have any reason to have doubts or expect NC has been broken or that any betrayals are currently happening. My H appears to be 100% transparent and I have access to everything. But we all know if someone wants to lie and cheat and sneak around they certainly can! I just hope he hasn't figured out how to be great at doing that! I don't believe anything is happening and I don't believe anything has happened in the 17 months since DDay.

Someday I hope I will really trust again. I trusted before and was so wrong. That's why I still question everything. My H seems very happy now. And our marriage seems good(besides for all this crap). And strictly from my stalking - her Facebook etc, his OW seems happy with her life and I hope she has moved on and is trying to fix her own family. I like having the bit of insurance in my pocket that she knows I will tell her H about the A if I ever find out about any new contact with my H. My H also knows without a doubt that he will be out if he lies to me again. I believe he very much believes this and I believe I would go through with it. I hope he is committed to our life together and we do end up as a successfully R couple. She promised me it is over. My H promised me it is over. 17 months have passed and today if I had to bet on it I would say they have not been in contact since DDay.

 

On a side note - my H hates me using this site . If he could block it he would. I read posts and freak out. Suspect the worst. We spent hours again last night talking about NC, the OW, what the A meant to him, the future, etc. He sounds just like AnotherRound. He always reminds me that lots of people who have experienced this have made it through and are moving forward together. Putting the A behind them. trying to make it not define their entire relationship. Trying for a happy life beyond the A. And not posting on this site. He does, however, understand my need to have contact with other people who really understand what I am dealing with.

 

Thanks again for the help and support everyone. I think today will be a good day.

[BetrayedH]

Thank you everyone for your replies. It helps tremendously to be able to communicate with others that are experiencing similar experiences.

I really can't say that I have any reason to have doubts or expect NC has been broken or that any betrayals are currently happening. My H appears to be 100% transparent and I have access to everything. But we all know if someone wants to lie and cheat and sneak around they certainly can! I just hope he hasn't figured out how to be great at doing that! I don't believe anything is happening and I don't believe anything has happened in the 17 months since DDay.

Someday I hope I will really trust again. I trusted before and was so wrong. That's why I still question everything. My H seems very happy now. And our marriage seems good(besides for all this crap). And strictly from my stalking - her Facebook etc, his OW seems happy with her life and I hope she has moved on and is trying to fix her own family. I like having the bit of insurance in my pocket that she knows I will tell her H about the A if I ever find out about any new contact with my H. My H also knows without a doubt that he will be out if he lies to me again. I believe he very much believes this and I believe I would go through with it. I hope he is committed to our life together and we do end up as a successfully R couple. She promised me it is over. My H promised me it is over. 17 months have passed and today if I had to bet on it I would say they have not been in contact since DDay.

 

On a side note - my H hates me using this site . If he could block it he would. I read posts and freak out. Suspect the worst. We spent hours again last night talking about NC, the OW, what the A meant to him, the future, etc. He sounds just like AnotherRound. He always reminds me that lots of people who have experienced this have made it through and are moving forward together. Putting the A behind them. trying to make it not define their entire relationship. Trying for a happy life beyond the A. And not posting on this site. He does, however, understand my need to have contact with other people who really understand what I am dealing with.

 

Thanks again for the help and support everyone. I think today will be a good day.

 

You sound happy with the way things have proceeded and 17 months is a good stretch. This is a good thing and I'm hopeful that your R continues to be a success.

 

I don't like to rain on anyone's reconciliation parade but I do have to say that two parts of your post raised my eyebrow.

 

(1). Using the potential exposure to the other BS as an insurance card. I did the same thing for about six weeks. I made an agreement with the OM that if he stayed away from my wife, I wouldn't expose. But I broke that agreement for two reasons. First, the other BS has a right to make an informed decision about their life and that weighed very heavily on me. Second, I had no interest in keeping my wife prisoner via blackmail. If she wanted the OM, our reconciliation was a farce if it was only preserved that way. She had to stay because she wanted to stay, not because I would ruin her OM's life if she didn't. I had to remove that motivation.

(2). Your husband should support your healing. His hatred of this site infers to me that he is more concerned with you getting over it than he is with your healing. That is more selfishness. He screwed up and is in no place to judge what is best for you. You cannot go around an affair or sweep it under the rug. You must go through it.

 

I would urge you to give both of these things some thought, in particular the exposure to the other BS. He does not deserve to live a lie just so you can protect your H or his OW.

 

I wish you much success with your reconciliation.

[AnotherRound]

Thank you everyone for your replies. It helps tremendously to be able to communicate with others that are experiencing similar experiences.

I really can't say that I have any reason to have doubts or expect NC has been broken or that any betrayals are currently happening. My H appears to be 100% transparent and I have access to everything. But we all know if someone wants to lie and cheat and sneak around they certainly can! I just hope he hasn't figured out how to be great at doing that! I don't believe anything is happening and I don't believe anything has happened in the 17 months since DDay.

Someday I hope I will really trust again. I trusted before and was so wrong. That's why I still question everything. My H seems very happy now. And our marriage seems good(besides for all this crap). And strictly from my stalking - her Facebook etc, his OW seems happy with her life and I hope she has moved on and is trying to fix her own family. I like having the bit of insurance in my pocket that she knows I will tell her H about the A if I ever find out about any new contact with my H. My H also knows without a doubt that he will be out if he lies to me again. I believe he very much believes this and I believe I would go through with it. I hope he is committed to our life together and we do end up as a successfully R couple. She promised me it is over. My H promised me it is over. 17 months have passed and today if I had to bet on it I would say they have not been in contact since DDay.

 

On a side note - my H hates me using this site . If he could block it he would. I read posts and freak out. Suspect the worst. We spent hours again last night talking about NC, the OW, what the A meant to him, the future, etc. He sounds just like AnotherRound. He always reminds me that lots of people who have experienced this have made it through and are moving forward together. Putting the A behind them. trying to make it not define their entire relationship. Trying for a happy life beyond the A. And not posting on this site. He does, however, understand my need to have contact with other people who really understand what I am dealing with.

 

Thanks again for the help and support everyone. I think today will be a good day.

 

I am glad that you found some solace in these boards. Like I said, these boards do not represent the world in a realistic way (from what I've read elsewhere) - and the trick to making your marriage work now is simply that you both are invested - and it sounds like you are. If you two are compatible, and both invested - there is nothing that could stop you from being happily together - nothing.

 

What I've found to be the best approach is to always approach each situation individually - and consider all it's own unique variables and such. Sounds to me like you and your H have a good foundation and are both on the same page - and that is indicative of success, imo.

 

I hope that today IS a good day for you - and that you continue to find many more. I know it's a painful process, but you (and your H) are growing from this experience, and it sounds like you are growing together. That can't be a bad thing!

[BetrayedH]

I am glad that you found some solace in these boards. Like I said, these boards do not represent the world in a realistic way (from what I've read elsewhere) - and the trick to making your marriage work now is simply that you both are invested - and it sounds like you are. If you two are compatible, and both invested - there is nothing that could stop you from being happily together - nothing.

 

What I've found to be the best approach is to always approach each situation individually - and consider all it's own unique variables and such. Sounds to me like you and your H have a good foundation and are both on the same page - and that is indicative of success, imo.

 

I hope that today IS a good day for you - and that you continue to find many more. I know it's a painful process, but you (and your H) are growing from this experience, and it sounds like you are growing together. That can't be a bad thing!

 

I agree with this except the part about being on the same page. She is being asked to choke down a shi t sandwich that he served her and is being critical of how she does it. If he doesn't like her posting here, tough crap.

[Lostinlife4now]

I just read a thread under OW/OM about NC and how long it lasted. I believe every poster said NC was broken. Many talk about contact starting again and the BS being lied to about that. Even after DDay. My H swears there has been NC since Dday. Was this the case for you? As a BS did your WS promise NC and keep that promise? Or as a WS did you keep your promise of NC? First I found the idea of NC impossible - how could a long term relationship end suddenly and both parties cut all contact instantly. Shouldn't it have meant more??? After all everything was risked for the A. I final started to trust that it really did end instantly on DDay and was never deeply emotional or meaningful and was a feel good fun friends with benefits sort of thing where both were married and never expected a future and when DDay happened reality set in and the A was a thing in the past that both wanted to move past and put the mistakes behind them and focus on the future. Am I crazy? Did NC happen successfully for you? I can't believe all WS fail at it. Or I don't want to believe that.

 

 

Had No D-day! But I stopped the A. It has been 2 years since I have last been with him.

 

But now.....he is calling again, and texting and e-mailing!

 

I guess he misses me! Oh Well....Sucks to be him.

[Phoe]

I know that this thread was more geared towards affair partners, but just wanted to offer my experiences with NC in general.

 

I have maintained 100% NC with both of my exes. Both attempted to contact me but I ignored it. One finally got the hint and I have not heard from him in years. The other STILL tries occasionally, called my phone twice in the past month, about 2 weeks apart. I get the feeling that he might never give up on trying to "reach out" occasionally, but I will never answer his call. It's been 8 years since we broke up, he needs to just forget me.

 

I have a recent breakup, was only a month long relationship. Have been NC but it hasn't been an issue. A mutual friend told me that he's been acting really out of character lately but it's not my problem.

[AnotherRound]

I agree with this except the part about being on the same page. She is being asked to choke down a shi t sandwich that he served her and is being critical of how she does it. If he doesn't like her posting here, tough crap.

 

I wasn't referring to that part of her post at all, I meant on the same page as in, both wanting to reconcile and both being invested.

[merrmeade]

On a side note - my H hates me using this site . If he could block it he would. I read posts and freak out. Suspect the worst. We spent hours again last night talking about NC, the OW, what the A meant to him, the future, etc. He sounds just like AnotherRound. He always reminds me that lots of people who have experienced this have made it through and are moving forward together. Putting the A behind them. trying to make it not define their entire relationship. Trying for a happy life beyond the A. And not posting on this site.

This is also how my family feels about my using this site - well, my daughter and my H. Don't care. Edited April 21, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator