How do we handle separating with the hope of saving the marriage?

[r4lamar]

My wife and I have been married for nearly 12 years and have 2 kids (9 and 5). I thought for the most part we were doing well - come to find she had been emailing an old friend on and off for most of our marriage - about 1 - 2 years between getting caught. 1st time he got caught on his end and his wife made him end all communication. 2nd time I caught the emails and she promised it wasn't harmful but promised to stop all communication. The 3rd time, I caught it again and this time there was explicit pictures of him while looking at a nude picture of my wife. It also talked about their one night together in Vegas (out of all places Vegas!).

 

Upon confronting my wife she totally broke down and was near suicide. If she didn't show 100% remorse I would be gone by now - she was extremely remorseful for about 2 weeks. We started counselling right away. We even visited our religious leaders even though we aren't that active. She was totally forth coming about everything that happened and answered all my questions as needed. Of course I have been watching everything she does like a hawk and it seems like things are legit, like she really does want to move on (she discovered all he wanted was sex and pics etc and she was looking for more emotional needs).

 

Anyhow, I am trying (somewhat successfully to recover from the affair and trust her again - very slow going). BUT in counselling we decided to focus on the problem that drove her to seek another man. Come to find she has been unhappy in our marriage. She is a very free spirit one that might not work well with marriage but tells me that she does love me and believes we can be happy together and that is why we are trying to work it out. Yet in the process she needs to move out and figure things out on her own. Note* the other man lives many states away and I don't feel like he is a threat anymore (our therapist feels like she is trying to find herself and not find another relationship as well).

 

My long winded question is - she is moving out today. Her plan is to kind of live inbetween her apartment and our house according to my work schedule - which is a never consistent work schedule (and she does not work). Any advice on handling the situation? I am a talker and all I want to do is discuss it and figure out a solution, where I know that we just need to let this happen and talking all the time about it will just lead to arguments or frustration. Should I try and avoid spending time with her or when it works for me spend time with her?

 

I have had to really evaluate my feelings and wants and I do love her (strangely enough) and want this to work as I (and she tells me as well) believe we can really be great together and be a fantastic family, parents, and a married couple.

 

Am I crazy for staying? My therapist even says if this doesn't work out I have a very good chance of being much happier in a different relationship (she might be just trying to make me feel better). I don't want somebody else I want my wife though. Any advice would be fantastic. Thanks!

[Mr. Lucky]

1st time he got caught on his end and his wife made him end all communication. 2nd time I caught the emails and she promised it wasn't harmful but promised to stop all communication. The 3rd time, I caught it again and this time there was explicit pictures of him while looking at a nude picture of my wife. It also talked about their one night together in Vegas (out of all places Vegas!).

Yes, the separation is a selfish step on her part if she really wants your marriage to work. By definition, you'd have to work together to fix things, difficult to do when you're living apart.

 

But why shouldn't she do anything she wants ??? You've drawn 3 different lines in the sand and she's crossed them without real penalty every time. Just as Chamberlain tried to appease Hitler, you've backed off from "don't do that or else" on three different occasions. Were it my wife, the first instance would land us in counseling with a clear understanding of the consequences. The second time would find her sh*t packed and waiting at the curb. There's a difference between a husband fighting to save his marriage and a doormat...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Darren Steez]

My wife and I have been married for nearly 12 years and have 2 kids (9 and 5). I thought for the most part we were doing well - come to find she had been emailing an old friend on and off for most of our marriage - about 1 - 2 years between getting caught. 1st time he got caught on his end and his wife made him end all communication. 2nd time I caught the emails and she promised it wasn't harmful but promised to stop all communication. The 3rd time, I caught it again and this time there was explicit pictures of him while looking at a nude picture of my wife. It also talked about their one night together in Vegas (out of all places Vegas!).

 

Upon confronting my wife she totally broke down and was near suicide. If she didn't show 100% remorse I would be gone by now - she was extremely remorseful for about 2 weeks. We started counselling right away. We even visited our religious leaders even though we aren't that active. She was totally forth coming about everything that happened and answered all my questions as needed. Of course I have been watching everything she does like a hawk and it seems like things are legit, like she really does want to move on (she discovered all he wanted was sex and pics etc and she was looking for more emotional needs).

 

Anyhow, I am trying (somewhat successfully to recover from the affair and trust her again - very slow going). BUT in counselling we decided to focus on the problem that drove her to seek another man. Come to find she has been unhappy in our marriage. She is a very free spirit one that might not work well with marriage but tells me that she does love me and believes we can be happy together and that is why we are trying to work it out. Yet in the process she needs to move out and figure things out on her own. Note* the other man lives many states away and I don't feel like he is a threat anymore (our therapist feels like she is trying to find herself and not find another relationship as well).

 

My long winded question is - she is moving out today. Her plan is to kind of live inbetween her apartment and our house according to my work schedule - which is a never consistent work schedule (and she does not work). Any advice on handling the situation? I am a talker and all I want to do is discuss it and figure out a solution, where I know that we just need to let this happen and talking all the time about it will just lead to arguments or frustration. Should I try and avoid spending time with her or when it works for me spend time with her?

 

I have had to really evaluate my feelings and wants and I do love her (strangely enough) and want this to work as I (and she tells me as well) believe we can really be great together and be a fantastic family, parents, and a married couple.

 

Am I crazy for staying? My therapist even says if this doesn't work out I have a very good chance of being much happier in a different relationship (she might be just trying to make me feel better). I don't want somebody else I want my wife though. Any advice would be fantastic. Thanks!

 

OM maybe in another state, but she's had her taste of the "single" life, and you said yourself she's a free spirit, maybe she wants to explore the scene, get all the pent up frustration out of her system before she commits to you?

 

And what is finding herself? Such a cliche? You know who you are as a person, you may need space to think about your future and what you want, but not to "find yourself"..seriously what does that mean? And when she "finds herself" what has that got to do with you?

 

also to add..you're a talker..so as above poster said, first time emails, second time more communication then she flew to Vegas to bang him. What did your talking do? You're still talking now and it hasn't worked for you. So you're separating but not separating? You're limbo'ing the hell out of yourself. All talk and no action makes you a doormat

Edited April 19, 2013 by Darren Steez

[r4lamar]

I may be a doormat, I won't deny that - I am very confident and successful person but in this relationship I might be the doormat... I left a little out, I only discovered the emails only once before finding out about the affair - found out the rest during our full disclosure talk. we were going to see a therapist but things were going so well we ended up not doing. And things were really good but the guy started emailing her again 2 years later and then thing went down from there. I realize for this relationship to work I can't be the doormat, friends have even mentioned after they new we had problems that I give her to much - this is why I am in therapy to work out my flaws.

[Mr. Lucky]

And things were really good but the guy started emailing her again 2 years later and then thing went down from there.

Perfect example of how you don't hold her feet to the fire. Let's think of all her potential responses to his emails when things were "good" between you two:

 

1). She could ignore them

2). She could delete them

3). She could block them

4). She could tell you about them

 

But what does she do? She uses them as an reason to restart the relationship, betraying you and your marriage yet again.

 

Contrary to the excuses you seem compelled to make for her, she hasn't been drugged, kidnapped, coerced, blackmailed, hypnotized or forced into sleeping with this guy. She's chosen to. And she's done so while making a calculated decision - her pleasure vs your pain - about your marriage. You should make a similar honest evaluation...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Darren Steez]

Perfect example of how you don't hold her feet to the fire. Let's think of all her potential responses to his emails when things were "good" between you two:

 

1). She could ignore them

2). She could delete them

3). She could block them

4). She could tell you about them

 

But what does she do? She uses them as an reason to restart the relationship, betraying you and your marriage yet again.

 

Contrary to the excuses you seem compelled to make for her, she hasn't been drugged, kidnapped, coerced, blackmailed, hypnotized or forced into sleeping with this guy. She's chosen to. And she's done so while making a calculated decision - her pleasure vs your pain - about your marriage. You should make a similar honest evaluation...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

This

 

and she's moving out to "find herself" while still coming by the house. This is about honesty. She continually pushed the boundaries until she crossed them..all the while being dishonest with you. What you essentially give her now is freedom to do what she wants to do unchecked but still come home to you and act like happy families. It's very simple. She wants to be with you, she cuts all communication and works with you to right this marriage. Your softness has and will continue to be your downfall. Something even after multiple betrayals you still think you can nice a solution out of.

[Oberfeldwebel]

I think that separation can be a constructive tool if it is used to give both parties time to heal and think to gain perspective. However the manner in which you are attempting to employ it is merely a way for her to eat her cake and have it too. She can come play mom when she wants and still have plenty of play time to herself without any repercussion.

 

Separation should look like this:

 

Day 1-30 no contact except as necessary to legal, financial, or child care. No calls, emails, text, tweets or facebook, except as above. I recommend text and keep it short. IC would be a good idea if possible. No dating others or boys/girls nights out that involve behavior you wouldn't do in front of your spouse.

 

Day 31-60 Couples counselling, family outings as a way of bonding, lunch and dinner dates, fun things just you two without kids, no sex.

 

Day 60-90 Continued counselling, family outings, intimacy to and including sex. Set boundaries for the marriage, open communications (passwords), plan for re-cohabitation.

 

Women rarely are committed to a man that they don't respect. Since she has not been accountable for her actions, she has treated you like a doormat, she doesn't respect you. She may admire you as a father, provider, etc....but she does not respect you as a man. Woman want a man to be a man. I am not attacking you here, but there is such a thing as being too nice. I know that because I was the same way at one time. That does not mean that you have to be a jerk, yell and scream, it means you have to stand up for yourself and your family.

[r4lamar]

Women rarely are committed to a man that they don't respect. Since she has not been accountable for her actions, she has treated you like a doormat, she doesn't respect you. She may admire you as a father, provider, etc....but she does not respect you as a man. Woman want a man to be a man. I am not attacking you here, but there is such a thing as being too nice. I know that because I was the same way at one time. That does not mean that you have to be a jerk, yell and scream, it means you have to stand up for yourself and your family.

 

This is exactly it... "She may admire you as a father, provider, etc....but she does not respect you as a man."

 

I got a lot of work to do regardless of if I let her comeback.

 

Thanks for the help and the awakening - this is hard!

[Gunny376]

As a young Marine I was taught the Eleven Leadership Principles, and since then they have served me well as a standard in both in and out of the Marine Corps and in my daily life.

 

Now civilan la~la land isn't the military, and nor is a marriage to be ran like a finely tuned and honed military orgnization. That is an inarguable fact. If were to do so? One would find themsevle with one hell of a mess on their hands quick, fast and in a hurry like.

 

None the less, the traits are still valid and applicable to daily life, and to the day-to-day of everyday life ~ married life not withstanding.

 

The Eleven Leadership Traits are:

 

 

Those 11 leadership principles are:

 

1. Know Yourself, Daily identify your personal weaknesses and seek self improvement! Develop a plan to keep your strengths and improve on your weaknesses, regardless of their nature. Be they mental, emotional, pyschological, financial, as well as the personal and professional roles that you play out in life!

 

2. Be Technically Proficient...Not only do we know our duties and responsibilities, we know all those of our team members, and we look to our leaders and concern ourselves with learning their duties and responsibilities. In marriage that means knowing the duties and responsibilities of your spouse and the role they play in the marriage, and at least knowing how to cover for them should the need arises. That means day-care, sports, school activity scheduling, grocery shopping, doing the laundry, cleaning the house, cooking, feeding the children etc.

 

3. Seek Responsibility and Take Responsibility for Your Actions...We are not satisfied with performing just our duties to the best of our abilities, we look to grow and seek further challenges, and always, when in charge, accept the consequences of our decisions, absorb the negative and pass on the praises to those that make our own personal success possible.

 

4. Make Sound and Timely Decisions...Leaders must be able to reason under the most critical condition and decide quickly what action to take

 

5. Set the Example...No aspect of leadership is more powerful. Our personal example affects people more than any amount of instruction or form of discipline. We are the role model to our children and to our spouses. Lead by example. Don't ask anyone else to do anythng you can't nor won't do yourself!

 

6. Know Your Personnel and Look Out for Their Well Being...Leaders must know and understand those being led. When individuals trust you, they will willingly work to help accomplish any mission That is know ~ and I mean truly get to know your spouse, your chldren, what their wants are, what their needs are, what their dreams are. It means putting them first and foremost before yourself. They're tired? Your twice as tried! They're hungry? You're twice as hungry. Their welfare and well being, wants and needs come before those of your own!

 

7. Keep Your Followers Informed...Our team members expect us to keep them informed, and where and when possible, to explain the reasons behind requirements and decisions. Information encourages initiative, improves teamwork and enhances morale. In otherwords? Communicate, communicate, communicate and then communicate some more. The Good Lord gave us two eyes and two ears and only one mouth. That's because He wants us to hear twice as much, and see twice as much as we speak. Communicating ain't about running your sewer all the time, its has a lot more to do just shutting tha' hell up and do a little thing I like to call listening!

 

8. Develop A Sense of Responsibility In Your Followers...The members of a team will feel a sense of pride and responsibility when they successfully accomplish a new task given them. When we delegate responsibility to our followers, we are indicating that we trust them. Building mutual trust is key and paramount. Without it? Nothing is possible. Trust is two way street and it is something that is earned between two people!

 

9. Ensure Each Task is Understood, Supervised and Accomplished...Team members must know the standard. Supervising lets us know the task is understood and lets our team members know we care about mission accomplishment and about them.

 

10. Build A Team...Leaders develop a team spirit that motivates team members to work with confidence and competence. Because mission accomplishment is based on teamwork, it is evident the better the team, the better the team will perform the task.

 

11. Employ Your Team In Accordance With Its Capabilities...A leader must use sound judgment when employing the team. Failure is not an option. By employing the team properly, we insure mission accomplishment. That means knowing your limitations, your stengths and weakness as well as though of your spouse and family. They bring strengths to the relationship that you don't have ~ they have a valuable contribution to make to the "team". Don't underestimate that ~ and always make sure they know that you know it and appreciate it.

[Gunny376]

Along with the Leadership Principles go hand in hand with the Leadership Traits

 

 

The 14 leadership traits are qualities of thought and action which, if demonstrated in daily activities, help Marines earn the respect, confidence, and loyal cooperation of other Marines. It is extremely important that you understand the meaning of each leadership trait and how to develop it, so you know what goals to set as you work to become a good leader and a good follower.

JUSTICE

 

Definition: Justice is defined as the practice of being fair and consistent. A just person gives consideration to each side of a situation and bases rewards or punishments on merit.

 

Suggestions for Improvement: Be honest with yourself about why you make a particular decision. Avoid favoritism. Try to be fair at all times and treat all things and people in an equal manner.

 

JUDGMENT

 

Definition: Judgment is your ability to think about things clearly, calmly, and in an orderly fashion

so

that you can make good decisions.

 

Suggestions for Improvement: You can improve your judgment if you avoid making rash decisions. Approach problems with a common sense attitude.

 

DEPENDABILITY

 

Definition: Dependability means that you can be relied upon to perform your duties properly. It means that you can be trusted to complete a job. It is the willing and voluntary support of the policies and orders of the chain of command. Dependability also means consistently putting forth your best effort in an attempt to achieve the highest standards of performance.

 

Suggestions for Improvement: You can increase your dependability by forming the habit of being where you're supposed to be on time, by not making excuses and by carrying out every task to the best of your ability regardless of whether you like it or agree with it.

 

INITIATIVE

 

Definition: Initiative is taking action even though you haven't been given orders. It means meeting new and unexpected situations with prompt action. It includes using resourcefulness to get something done without the normal material or methods being available to you.

 

Suggestions for Improvement: To improve your initiative, work on staying mentally and physically alert. Be aware of things that need to be done and then to do them without having to be told.

 

DECISIVENESS

 

Definition: Decisiveness means that you are able to make good decisions without delay. Get all the facts and weight them against each other. By acting calmly and quickly, you should arrive at a sound decision. You announce your decisions in a clear, firm, professional manner.

 

Suggestions for Improvement: Practice being positive in your actions instead of acting half-heartedly or changing your mind on an issue.

 

TACT

 

Definition: Tact means that you can deal with people in a manner that will maintain good relations and avoid problems. It means that you are polite, calm, and firm.

 

Suggestions for Improvement: Begin to develop your tact by trying to be courteous and cheerful at all times. Treat others as you would like to be treated.

 

INTEGRITY

 

Definition: Integrity means that you are honest and truthful in what you say or do. You put honesty, sense of duty, and sound moral principles above all else.

 

Suggestions for Improvement: Be absolutely honest and truthful at all times. Stand up for what you believe to be right.

 

ENTHUSIASM

 

Definition: Enthusiasm is defined as a sincere interest and exuberance in the performance of your duties. If you are enthusiastic, you are optimistic, cheerful, and willing to accept the challenges.

 

Suggestions for Improvement: Understanding and belief in your mission will add to your enthusiasm for your job. Try to understand why even uninteresting jobs must be done.

 

BEARING

 

Definition: Bearing is the way you conduct and carry yourself. Your manner should reflect alertness, competence, confidence, and control.

 

Suggestions for Improvement: To develop bearing, you should hold yourself to the highest standards of personal conduct. Never be content with meeting only the minimum requirements.

 

UNSELFISHNESS

 

Definition: Unselfishness means that you avoid making yourself comfortable at the expense of others. Be considerate of others. Give credit to those who deserve it.

 

Suggestions for Improvement: Avoid using your position or rank for personal gain, safety, or pleasure at the expensive of others. Be considerate of others.

 

COURAGE

 

Definition: Courage is what allows you to remain calm while recognizing fear. Moral courage means having the inner strength to stand up for what is right and to accept blame when something is your fault. Physical courage means that you can continue to function effectively when there is physical danger present.

 

Suggestions for Improvement: You can begin to control fear by practicing self-discipline and calmness. If you fear doing certain things required in your daily life, force yourself to do them until you can control your reaction.

 

KNOWLEDGE

 

Definition: Knowledge is the understanding of a science or art. Knowledge means that you have acquired information and that you understand people. Your knowledge should be broad, and in addition to knowing your job, you should know your unit's policies and keep up with current events.

 

Suggestions for Improvement: Suggestions for Improvement:Increase your knowledge by remaining alert. Listen, observe, and find out about things you don't understand. Study field manuals and other military literature.

 

LOYALTY

 

Definition: Loyalty means that you are devoted to your country, the Corps, and to your seniors, peers, and subordinates. The motto of our Corps is Semper Fidelis!, (Always Faithful). You owe unwavering loyalty up and down the chain of command, to seniors, subordinates, and peers.

 

Suggestions for Improvement: To improve your loyalty you should show your loyalty by never discussing the problems of the Marine Corps or your unit with outsiders. Never talk about seniors unfavorably in front of your subordinates. Once a decision is made and the order is given to execute it, carry out that order willingly as if it were your own.

 

ENDURANCE

 

Definition: Endurance is the mental and physical stamina that is measured by your ability to withstand pain, fatigue, stress, and hardship. For example, enduring pain during a conditioning march in order to improve stamina is crucial in the development of leadership.

 

Suggestions for Improvement: Develop your endurance by engaging in physical training that will strengthen your body. Finish every task to the best of your ability by forcing yourself to continue when you are physically tired and your mind is sluggish.

Because it is important to always be able to remember the basic leadership traits, the acronym "J.J. DID TIE BUCKLE" is used. Each letter in the acronym corresponds to the first letter of one of the traits. By remembering the acronym, you will be better able to recall the traits.

 

Regardless of your cultural, ethnic, maritail, religious status? The traits and principles hold true, are valid and sound. Wheather in your professional work life ~ or as a leader ~ a husband, a wife, a father, a mother, a daughter, a son, regardless of the role you may find yourself in.

 

In marriage? You need to understand that before you can become a leader you must become a follower, and because your spouse has inheirent strengths and abilities that you don't have its knowing when to step in and be the leader and when to step out and become the follower as much as being the leader. And being and becoming comfortable in the transisition to (↔) and from each.

[2sunny]

She wants a little break from her Mom and Wide duties to "find herself" - to play?

 

Then cut her off from ALL money and ALLL credit cards!

 

Have her get full time work and pay all her own bills!

 

She's a walk away wife who will use you as long as you let her!

 

Serve her divorce papers while she has no money.

 

She wants to act "free" then let her figure out how to foot her own bill for it all!

 

 

I think she wants a convenient way to do whatever she wants without you knowing - and she expects you to pay while she continues cheating!!!

 

You go along with it - you are her ultimate doormat!

[Gunny376]

Being Assertive

 

A lot of people think being assertive involves a lot of screaming, in your face, screaming and shouting, ~ going "Ghetto" as seen sometimes on TV

 

Its not.

 

as·ser·tive adjective \ə-ˈsər-tiv, a-\

 

Definition of ASSERTIVE 1: "]disposed to or characterized by bold or confident statements and behavior <an assertive leader>

 

Asserttivness is knowing what to say, saying it, making your point, being resolute in it, your decision, and confident in such, yourself, ~ trusting in yourself etc.

 

And then STFU!

 

No need to argue your case nor your point. You've thought out what you're about to say, your concise, resolute in it, you believe in it, you have faith in it, you stand by it, you say it and now?

 

You simply STFU!

[Gunny376]

Yes most women want a man to be a man, to walk like a man, act like a man, talk like a man. But an overly masculine man is a jerk and a prick! Yet many women are drawn toward this over the top display of masculinity.

 

Women a man who is masculine, manly, not a wimp, a weakling, who shows the promise of being a good provider and protector for her and her children, (regardless of who their father is ~ but her/their children).

 

The trouble is? A man who is overly masculine in thought manner and deed, tends to be emotionally reclusive/withdrawn. And women ~ or I should say, the vast majority of them also want and need to have and emotional connection with the man that is their husband and spouse. Its the number one reason women cheat ~ (Its not just the sex there Buddy!) While the number # 1 reason men cheat is for the sex (And yes in the early stages of live and throughout the life cycles of men this is primarily hormonally driven by the more prevalent male hormone testosterone ~ which is the same hormone that fuels the sex drive in men an women alike)

 

 

This can all be summed up in answering the question of ~ "Why Men Don't Get Enough Sex and Women Don't Get Enough Love!"

 

A woman will leave a overly masculine man just as quickly as she will leave an overly feminized man. And yes there are men ill respective of sexual orientation (not factored into the equation ~ different topic all together) that are more like you 'atypical' woman than your atypical man. And vice versa.

 

Mentally, emotionally, psychological, physically, etc? Men and women are about 80% or more the same, but its the 20% of such where they're different that makes a hugh difference~ its very much a case of where a little is a lot!

 

So what's the rub? Its that over the course of human history ~ men have been socially, culturally, and even religiously conditioned to abstain, and avoid even the suggestion of any and all things feminine. It started about 5 or 6 thousand years ago when the hoards of the Steppes came down on the peaceful agricultural civilizations of Asia Minor. Too much for me to go into here, but if you want to know more read, (Again) "Why Men Don't Get Enough Sex and Women Don't Get Enough Love!" Why Men Don't Get Enough Sex and Women Don't Get Enough Love: Jonathan Kramer: 9780671689773: Amazon.com: Books

 

If your a man who wants to succeed with women? Achieve a balance between your masculine and feminine side. I'm not talking about sex? I'm speaking about being less mechanically, result orientated, instrumentally inclined and get in touch with your more caring, sharing, nurturing, loving, giving, free-spirited "feminie" side. It OK to admit that you like ~ that you actually like what your wife brings to the house with her feminine expressiveness with putting a woman's touch to the house. It OK to admit that you "like" that she uses fabric softener with fragrance when she washes your work clothes, and dirty skivvies. Its OK to admit that you not only like that through her femininity and social connectedness broadens your social circle and connectedness. That you like being wanted, needed, desired, appreciated, love.

 

A lot of what people ~ especially men ~ see in women as "feminine" isn't so much that as it is an naturally inherent trait of women? The want and need to be "expressive" to make a statement ~ and individual statement about themselves.

 

Most women have what they term "Their Theme" ~ I call it their "totem" For some? Its unicorns. For others? Its angle figurines! For some? Its frogs! For others its cows!

 

Mrs Gunny? Its "Pink Pigs!" I've up to my azz in pink pigs? That's right damn pink pigs! Guess who started all of this? Yep! That would be me! I did it innocently enough? I just suggested she watch a great movie, "Second Hand Lions"

 

But that's OK! Because I know if it ever gets down to DefCon 4? All I've got to do is go find myself a Vietnamese Pink Pot Belly Pig Farmer and I'm back in like the "Man From Flint!" Well it'll at least distract her long enough to get my foot in the door for a half nano-milli-second

~ and that's all I need! (Marine Corps rule No. 04 ~ If you can't dazzle them with your brilliance? Baffle them with your BS! )

[Gunny376]

(Marine Corps rule No. 04 ~ If you can't dazzle them with your brilliance? Baffle them with your BS! )

 

When I was active duty? I use to carry around a plastic cigarrette case in my cargo pocket of my utilties (Thigh pocket of Cammies ~ not Diggies) with different rank insignias. Depending upon what I was trying to accomplish out and about, I would change my rank insginia from that of a Gunnery Sergeant to a Master Gunney Sergeant or Sergeant Major or if need be? To a Private First Class or Lance Corproal, a Corporal or Sergeant. I would usally have a couple of common name blouses (shirts with nametapes such a Jone, or Smith to wear with them) I didn't consder it so much as "lying" as accomplishing my duly assigned mission.

 

My last four years in the Corps I had my section so well honed? I worked myself out of a job? They didn't need me! My Marines (Boys and girl types) were as sharp as razors! That's because I broke them down and built them up, spent a lot of up-front hands on time with them, made a hugh investment of time, effort, energy up front with them. Rode their azzes like a championship bull rider! NOTHING THEY COULD DO WAS GOOD ENOUGH, COULD SATISFY ME, PACIFY ME, ..................NOTHING! Made un-reasonable demands upon them. Made them work, work, work, and work again.

 

Even the most miscule and most insignificant mistake? The entire team paid for! I broke them down and then I built them up! I gave them my trust and loyailty ~ I paid dearly in Spades for theirs! I earned it! Because they knew I had their back! They knew I would rant, rave, scream, shout, piss and moan, work them 15 or 16 hours a day ~ six ~ seven days a week? But they knew that I would NEVER throw them under the bus! They knew I didn't ask anything of them that I wasn't willing to do nor go through myself! They knew, that I was trying to build a "machine" and that I needed each and everyone of them. And that if anyone of them broke down? The machine broke down ~ and that I wasn't going to let that happen!

 

Ditto with marriage ~ relationships.

 

You've got to walk the walk and talk the talk!

 

You can play now and pay for the rest of your life?

 

Or you can pay now and play for the rest of your life!

 

You can pay the Devil as you go in?

 

Or you can pay Him as you go out?

 

But either way you go?

 

Your ass is gonig to pay the Devil his due!

 

Reality? Brother all reality is ~ is the difference between the way things are and the way you think they should be? Its all realive and it don't mean nothing and it don't mean a thing!

 

Change your way of thinking as to how things ought to be? And you change your own very personal reality!

 

Its all about how you "think" about it, perceive it, see it, sense it,...........................

 

Its one of those paradox/infinity things!

Let go of and quit holding on to the "Way you think things should be and accept the way things are? And your World will turn my friend.

 

But that's not even the lesson for you right now? What you've got to do is to let go of your own preconceived, family, cultural, societial, religously induced beliefs that got spoon-fed to you since you were an infant, and break free towards self awarness, self consciouness, self automomy.

 

And I know I'm coming off like a 60's/70's ear Woodstock hippie hyped up on whatever. But I'm not? And trust me? I'm far, far from being a Obama voting/supporter. (And I ain't too damn crazy about the GOP TBH!)

 

I didn't get here ~ dare I say it? Evolve from where I was all so long ago to where I'm at now? And I have evolved ~ Hell you can't live on this plaent 56 year without doing yourself some evolving!

 

At 56? Having gone through all the **** I've been through? Its about "ONE MAN ~ LOVING ONE WOMAN! Totally, completely, absolutely, un-conditonally, without hesitation, without reservation, without any "Yea, buts? nor "What if's"

[Gunny376]

But you know what? If Mrs Gunny told me tomorrow that she was leaving me for him, this, that or the other?

 

I'd be OK with that! I really would. Simply because I love her, and I would rather see her happy with someone else, or somewhere else than miserable with me!

 

When you say you love someone? Its not about you! If you love someone? You let them go, you free them, you give their freedom! Its not conditional, or in so long as you do this or that, say this or that, keep this job or that, acheive this or that,........................

 

(OK! Side Joke! :lmao: :lmao: If you love someone? If you really love someone! You let them go! If they come back? They're yours forever!

 

But if they use up all your minutes on your cell phone, run up your home phone bill, light bill playing video games until the crack of dawn, eat you out of house and home, don't have a job, borrow your car and leave it sitting on "Empty", sleep until 2:00 PM each day ~ give you attitude about helping around the house, cleaning the house, washing clothes, cleaing up after the dog?

 

 

You either married to them or you gave birth to them and there's no way of ever getting rid of them! :lmao: :lmao: )

Edited April 21, 2013 by Gunny376

[TheBladeRunner]

She wants a little break from her Mom and Wide duties to "find herself" - to play?

 

Then cut her off from ALL money and ALLL credit cards!

 

Have her get full time work and pay all her own bills!

 

She's a walk away wife who will use you as long as you let her!

 

Serve her divorce papers while she has no money.

 

She wants to act "free" then let her figure out how to foot her own bill for it all!

 

 

I think she wants a convenient way to do whatever she wants without you knowing - and she expects you to pay while she continues cheating!!!

 

You go along with it - you are her ultimate doormat!

 

You hit the nail on the head 2Sunny, mine did the the same crap:

 

Wanted to separate to "find herself".......she still hasn't.....

She wanted to be "by herself".....that hasn't happened either

Wanted to "still be friends".....so she could feel good about what she had done.

 

Sorry to hear about what you are dealing with OP, but IMO, it sounds very similar to my situation and you need to prepare for the worst. I would cut her off as much as possible (you have kids) and prepare for the coming storm. GET A LAWYER and get some type of custody agreement in place first and foremost. She sounds like a total "cake eater" to me, if I were in your shoes I am afraid I would have to end it, but that is me.

 

Also OP, mine started with the same thing....e-mails to an ex. Mine actually was in contact with a D-Bag that not only abused her emotionally and physically, but he cheated on her, gave her an STD, and even had her thrown in jail. I figured if she wants to go back to that I didn't want anything to do with her, just my thing I guess.

 

I would limit contact as much as you can, and frankly, you need to think about what Sunny said and just have her served.

[Mycatsnuggles]

RL -

google: Therapeutic Separation for Couples

 

If your seeing a therapist they could help you develop the terms, everything from dating, money, sex.

 

I have heard that if you feel there is a chance to work out the relationship give it one year. Seperate, see if you miss each other but do it with a structured agreement on what the rules are. Good luck

[r4lamar]

Just a quick update - and thanks for the advice it helped me out. I was so consumed in trying to make her happy I turned into that doormat. I thought a good husband was supposed to turn over and do everything possible to make their wife happy. Well from the separation I took time and spent on me, discovering what I want and how I want to live my life. I started by slowly working her out of my life and became independent from her. Our separation ended in a decision to divorce but when we went therapy to work out details we decided to give it one more shot. Started by just spending time together with kids and slowly continued to progress. She and I have slowly become able to have a good time tighter to be honest with one another and to realign our wants and desires for our individual lives - our marriage has never been this much fun and rewarding. There is a new genuine love from her that I have never seen. I still test her and check the back sides of her stories and probably will for a long time - she understands it and supports me in these feelings. I test her and test her again - seems like things are legit - still got a long way to go but it been great. Not only have I made changes for myself to better my life, my wife has to and we continue to support one another. She apologizes everyday for how she treated me and it is genuine - and I'm not looking for her to apologize, I think it is a true remorse. We both are living happier and more honest lives. Thanks again for everyone's help - as she says it, she ate a Taco Bell dinner while she had a turkey dinner at home. Still a long way to go but at least we are both still fighting for our family. It has been a crappy ride, but in the end I have hope we will both be stronger for it - as a couple and as individuals.