The Case For Marriage Focused Cohabitation.

[Nyla]

I have read a lot of literature stating that those who cohabitate before marriage have a higher divorce rate, as well as those who feel that a woman is wasting her time if she lives with a man before marriage.

 

I would agree with the idea that living together before marriage is not a good idea for a woman who wants marriage, if it wasn't for my situation. If the cohabitation is marriage focused it can lead to many benefits for both partners.

 

My husband told me that he did not want me to move in with him if I didn't want to get married. He took cohabitation very seriously and I am the only woman my husband ever lived with. We moved in together when my hubby was 35 and had a lot of dating experience, but he never met another woman that he wanted to marry. My husband proposed to me after two months of shacking up and we were married almost a year later.

 

I certainly don't feel that cohabitation was a bad idea for me because my husband didn't waste years of my time, deciding if he wanted to get married. We got to live together while we were engaged and we learned to handle unemployment and financial hardship; we believe this strengthened our marriage before it even began. When my husband and I got married, we already had our adjustment period when we lived together.

 

My parents shacked up for a year before they were married. Now they have been together for nearly forty years. I know another elderly couple who did the same and they have been married for 30+ years. One of my aunts has been with her hubby for 20+ years and they shacked up for more than two years. Cohabitation doesn't always lead to divorce or women wasting time with men who never married them.

[ForeverHopeful1]

We were the same. We moved into our apartment under the agreement we would be getting married one day. We were both young but did want to be together. We also didn't want to be apart anymore and really wanted to be living together so we could continue building our relationship. We just weren't in a rush to get married or have children. So why rush?

 

We moved in together at 2 years and 3 months into the R. He asked me to marry him on December 8th, 2007 after 3.5 years together, 1 year & 3 months of living together.

 

When it came to getting married, I wanted to wait. He would have married me sooner if I let him. I couldn't pay much for a wedding at the time and wanted us to both pay for it. We had a very small wedding at a sweet B&B north of the city, invited immediate family and close friends. We said our vows in a beautiful living room in front of the fireplace. So amazing! He is also older than I am and felt more ready to be a husband at the time. My brain hadn't finished growing even!!! When we got engaged I was still too young to comprehend the full consequences of my choices and actions and knew it wouldn't be fair to either of us to wed unless and until I finished growing up! So we finally got married after 6.5-7 years together when I was ready. We lived together for almost 5 before marriage.

 

I'm VERY happy we did that. Cohabitation especially when the agreement long term is marriage, probably goes more smoothly. When you move in with someone to wing it and see how it goes, (to see if you're compatible,) I can definitely see why things would go bad. If a woman is moving in with the hopes of marriage while a man is having her move in because he wants to test drive it, that's going to be an issue. If we moved in together without first discussing marriage and life together, I may have felt very differently. From day one, we knew the end result (we hoped anyway) would be marriage. I think it does matter.

 

I would never live with a man unless I planned on keeping him and I expected the same of my partner.

[ForeverHopeful1]

My parents also lived together both in California and Toronto before getting married. They eloped! Probably why we had a small wedding too.

[quankanne]

your cases are the exception, rather than the rule. It seems to me that when most couple decide on living together, it's with the understanding that splitting up is an option because there are no legal bounds keeping you there.

[Nyla]

your cases are the exception, rather than the rule. It seems to me that when most couple decide on living together, it's with the understanding that splitting up is an option because there are no legal bounds keeping you there.

 

I agree. That's why marriage focused cohabitation is different from what you are describing.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I hink there's a generational difference of opinion about this. For one, I believe younger men are not any more "scared" of marriage than women as gender roles have blurred. The feeling amongst my peer group is that it's the same "deal" for both partners, with women expected to work and men expected to help around the house and with kids. I know as many men as women in relationships where thy feel their partner is dragging their feet - and that's not many at all, most people who move in wihout discussing marriage are ok with the lack of expectations, IMO. It's not on every ones immediate agenda to be married and theres nothing wrong with that.

 

On the other side of the spectrum, i personally don't know any couples that did NOT live together prior to marriage, either. The times are a-changing.

[Silly_Girl]

I moved in with someone previously with no intention of marriage. That ended because he was an abusive moron.

 

This time around I would only consider cohabiting if marriage was a definite. We got engaged in month 6 and then moved in together. Last week we moved in to a new home we bought together.

 

I enjoyed living alone (with my son), loved my social life, was happy with my lot. I didn't intend to makes changes to that unless it was a serious thing. And it is. I've literally never been happier, in every aspect of my life. Getting older is great

[Nyla]

I hink there's a generational difference of opinion about this. For one, I believe younger men are not any more "scared" of marriage than women as gender roles have blurred. The feeling amongst my peer group is that it's the same "deal" for both partners, with women expected to work and men expected to help around the house and with kids. I know as many men as women in relationships where thy feel their partner is dragging their feet - and that's not many at all, most people who move in wihout discussing marriage are ok with the lack of expectations, IMO. It's not on every ones immediate agenda to be married and theres nothing wrong with that.

 

On the other side of the spectrum, i personally don't know any couples that did NOT live together prior to marriage, either. The times are a-changing.

 

The only couples I know who did not shack up before marriage were either married in their late teens or they were very religious.

 

I think that expectations should be discussed before living together, so that there is no room for false hopes. If marriage doesn't suit a couple, both of them should be okay with that.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think that expectations should be discussed before living together, so that there is no room for false hopes. If marriage doesn't suit a couple, both of them should be okay with that.

Agreed. Many of the threads seem to arise from the partners assigning different meanings to cohabitation. For one (often the male), it's a destination. For the other (often the female), it's a way station on the trip to marriage. Add in time, pressure from friends and family and a few "why buy the cow" digs and you end up with two people in very different places.

 

Like most things in life, one should be prepared to back up statements made. If a SO says that "I won't move in unless we're married in a year" and twelve months go by with no ring, moving boxes should appear...

 

Mr. Lucky

[AnotherRound]

I have read a lot of literature stating that those who cohabitate before marriage have a higher divorce rate, as well as those who feel that a woman is wasting her time if she lives with a man before marriage.

 

I would agree with the idea that living together before marriage is not a good idea for a woman who wants marriage, if it wasn't for my situation. If the cohabitation is marriage focused it can lead to many benefits for both partners.

 

My husband told me that he did not want me to move in with him if I didn't want to get married. He took cohabitation very seriously and I am the only woman my husband ever lived with. We moved in together when my hubby was 35 and had a lot of dating experience, but he never met another woman that he wanted to marry. My husband proposed to me after two months of shacking up and we were married almost a year later.

 

I certainly don't feel that cohabitation was a bad idea for me because my husband didn't waste years of my time, deciding if he wanted to get married. We got to live together while we were engaged and we learned to handle unemployment and financial hardship; we believe this strengthened our marriage before it even began. When my husband and I got married, we already had our adjustment period when we lived together.

 

My parents shacked up for a year before they were married. Now they have been together for nearly forty years. I know another elderly couple who did the same and they have been married for 30+ years. One of my aunts has been with her hubby for 20+ years and they shacked up for more than two years. Cohabitation doesn't always lead to divorce or women wasting time with men who never married them.

 

This is interesting. From the literature I have read on the subject, I have gotten that people that don't live together first have a higher risk of divorcing or separating. I always thought it had to do with that transition period you spoke of, of adjusting to living with someone.

 

I lived with my exH prior to marriage, and we were marriage focused throughout our relationship, but it still didn't work out. So, not sure how often that happens. My sister and her husband lived together for many years before marrying and have been together for over 10 years now, and are very happily married. Interesting topic...

[pink_sugar]

I have often heard of the same statistics. My husband proposed to me literally the night we were officially living together. I couldn't see myself living with someone if we hadn't already discussed marriage. I would actually be willing to go back and marry before living together...some obvious perks to that are less shopping to do for your new home. My H and i didn't have much money and when we married a year later, we already had most of the stuff we were gifted, lol.

Edited April 22, 2013 by pink_sugar

[todreaminblue]

I have read a lot of literature stating that those who cohabitate before marriage have a higher divorce rate, as well as those who feel that a woman is wasting her time if she lives with a man before marriage.

 

I would agree with the idea that living together before marriage is not a good idea for a woman who wants marriage, if it wasn't for my situation. If the cohabitation is marriage focused it can lead to many benefits for both partners.

 

My husband told me that he did not want me to move in with him if I didn't want to get married. He took cohabitation very seriously and I am the only woman my husband ever lived with. We moved in together when my hubby was 35 and had a lot of dating experience, but he never met another woman that he wanted to marry. My husband proposed to me after two months of shacking up and we were married almost a year later.

 

I certainly don't feel that cohabitation was a bad idea for me because my husband didn't waste years of my time, deciding if he wanted to get married. We got to live together while we were engaged and we learned to handle unemployment and financial hardship; we believe this strengthened our marriage before it even began. When my husband and I got married, we already had our adjustment period when we lived together.

 

My parents shacked up for a year before they were married. Now they have been together for nearly forty years. I know another elderly couple who did the same and they have been married for 30+ years. One of my aunts has been with her hubby for 20+ years and they shacked up for more than two years. Cohabitation doesn't always lead to divorce or women wasting time with men who never married them.

 

i spent fifteen years co habitating....extremely against going through this again......guys have a habit of moving in on me....and me being acommodating......forgiving patient....that i need a guy who doesnt want to take advantage of what i offer and appreciates me.....and doesnt think yeah she is cool not enough to marry though....the guys i have dated who dont move in on me and are willign to wait as far as sex goes not harass me fro it........they are the ones who respect me adn apprec iate me for who i am.....i know the difference now..took a while.........deb

[AnotherRound]

Agreed. Many of the threads seem to arise from the partners assigning different meanings to cohabitation. For one (often the male), it's a destination. For the other (often the female), it's a way station on the trip to marriage. Add in time, pressure from friends and family and a few "why buy the cow" digs and you end up with two people in very different places.

 

Like most things in life, one should be prepared to back up statements made. If a SO says that "I won't move in unless we're married in a year" and twelve months go by with no ring, moving boxes should appear...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I've known women that did this - gave a sort of ultimatum - and the men agreed to marry bc they weren't ready to end the relationship, but weren't quite ready to get married - and they are ALL divorced now. And repeatedly, I have heard from them that they should not have given in to the ultimatums, but at the time, were young and in love and wanted to continue the relationship - they just weren't quite ready for marriage.

 

I wouldn't want to marry anyone that wasn't just as into it as I was - I would not give ultimatums for that reason.

 

My sister was ready before her husband was ready, he is a few years younger than she is. Instead of ultimatums, she stayed and knew that she didn't have a hard and fast timeline in mind, but would KNOW when she got to the point that it wasn't going to work any longer if they weren't married. She gave him the time to come around - and he did - if he hadn't, she would have moved on. They are very happily married now and have been for several years. I don't think she would have had the same result had she laid down some ultimatum of timelines to him and he felt forced to either marry her or end the relationship - there is a whole LOT of other arrangements between breaking up and marrying to choose from.

[Nyla]

I have a cousin who has been with her two kids father for more than ten years.

 

She desperately wants to get married, but her man clearly doesn't want to marry her.

 

I felt so sorry for my cousin when she announced that she would be marrying in 2010.. That year passed and still no ring. My cousin is suffering from clincal depression because of this situation, though it is her own fault.

 

This is what happens when cohabitation, babies and unspoken expectations collide.

[carhill]

I've never had any interest in 'shacking up' and my exW and I did not live together prior to marriage and, reflectively, there were no surprises after the honeymoon in any practical sense of the word, relative to cohabitation. We were older so pretty transparent about our living styles.

 

I'll live alone the rest of my life unless I get married again. For myself, it 'feels' right and that's all I need to know.

[tbf]

I enjoyed living alone (with my son), loved my social life, was happy with my lot. I didn't intend to makes changes to that unless it was a serious thing. And it is. I've literally never been happier, in every aspect of my life. Getting older is great

This is exactly why I never lived with either husband and only moved in post marriage. Why give up your freedom before you have to?

[Mr. Lucky]

I've known women that did this - gave a sort of ultimatum - and the men agreed to marry bc they weren't ready to end the relationship, but weren't quite ready to get married - and they are ALL divorced now.

I don't think backing up a statement you made based on your life goals and moral principles is an ultimatum. Things we do - or don't - have consequences. It's as simple as that.

 

And were I the one that wanted to be married and the agreed upon time had come and passed, no proposal would be accepted and no marriage entered in to. My partner would have had the opportunity and let it pass so that ship would have sailed. I'd want someone who clearly wanted me...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BetheButterfly]

I agree. That's why marriage focused cohabitation is different from what you are describing.

 

Marriage focused cohabitation does seem different than just living together without any commitment.

 

There are people who argue that marriage is just a piece of paper. In a way, I understand those who think that a wedding is just a big celebration and that registry papers are just tabs the government has on you.

 

I don't think one needs to be "officially marred" in order to commit to each other, so I understand about cohabitation that is built on Love and Faithfulness, instead of on a marriage license.

[pink_sugar]

I have a cousin who has been with her two kids father for more than ten years.

 

She desperately wants to get married, but her man clearly doesn't want to marry her.

 

I felt so sorry for my cousin when she announced that she would be marrying in 2010.. That year passed and still no ring. My cousin is suffering from clincal depression because of this situation, though it is her own fault.

 

This is what happens when cohabitation, babies and unspoken expectations collide.

 

I think this is another good reason to postpone having children until you both are clear on what you want. If you're living together and a baby comes along, it's much more challenging than just simply moving out because he/she doesn't want to marry you. You're more likely to stay together for practical reasons rather than having the freedom to move out. A lot of cohabitation people I know with kids have this forever engaged status on facebook and never actually get married.

[Nyla]

I think this is another good reason to postpone having children until you both are clear on what you want. If you're living together and a baby comes along, it's much more challenging than just simply moving out because he/she doesn't want to marry you. You're more likely to stay together for practical reasons rather than having the freedom to move out. A lot of cohabitation people I know with kids have this forever engaged status on facebook and never actually get married.

 

I concur. If my cousin had let her boyfriend know that she wanted to get married and refused to have children out of wedlock, I don't think she would be in this sad predicament.

 

Nothing is wrong with indefinite cohabitation or having babies outside of marriage if that is what people choose. It is just that I've seen what happens, when women who want marriage have kids before they get that commitment.

[Nyla]

Marriage focused cohabitation does seem different than just living together without any commitment.

 

There are people who argue that marriage is just a piece of paper. In a way, I understand those who think that a wedding is just a big celebration and that registry papers are just tabs the government has on you.

 

I don't think one needs to be "officially marred" in order to commit to each other, so I understand about cohabitation that is built on Love and Faithfulness, instead of on a marriage license.

 

BTB, correct me if I am wrong but aren't you married?

 

Those who say that marriage is only a piece of paper do not realize all the benefits of being married. There are financial, legal and emotional advantages that cohabiting couples just don't get.

 

I have a friend who thought that marriage was just a piece of paper, until he lived with a woman for ten years and she died of colon cancer. Her family tried to keep my friend away from the money his girlfriend left him, by saying he was a just a boarder. If they were married, there is no way his in-laws could have proved their ridiculous allegations.

 

Commitment can occur on the levels that the couple is happiest with. Living together as a married couple means far more than just a marriage licence, in the eyes of most people who are married. A wedding is a party, but it is also a religious rite in some cases and the joining together of two families. This is why parents and extended family are often deeply offended if a couple elopes.

[pink_sugar]

I concur. If my cousin had let her boyfriend know that she wanted to get married and refused to have children out of wedlock, I don't think she would be in this sad predicament.

 

Nothing is wrong with indefinite cohabitation or having babies outside of marriage if that is what people choose. It is just that I've seen what happens, when women who want marriage have kids before they get that commitment.

 

And then there are those people with kids nearly in their teens, getting married after nearly 20 years of being together. At that point, you get a quickie because all the hoopla and honeymoon phase is over.

[DayJ]

BTB, correct me if I am wrong but aren't you married?

 

Those who say that marriage is only a piece of paper do not realize all the benefits of being married. There are financial, legal and emotional advantages that cohabiting couples just don't get.

 

I have a friend who thought that marriage was just a piece of paper, until he lived with a woman for ten years and she died of colon cancer. Her family tried to keep my friend away from the money his girlfriend left him, by saying he was a just a boarder. If they were married, there is no way his in-laws could have proved their ridiculous allegations.

 

Commitment can occur on the levels that the couple is happiest with. Living together as a married couple means far more than just a marriage licence, in the eyes of most people who are married. A wedding is a party, but it is also a religious rite in some cases and the joining together of two families. This is why parents and extended family are often deeply offended if a couple elopes.

 

Have to agree! Besides if you have kids out of wedlock i do not know how it works but it is good to know that in a worst case scenario your kids will be entitled to that money as well as your wife without all the burden of the person's family trying to take it for their own benefit specially if they were never in your spouses life. I know if something where to happen to either me or my husband there will be big money in the bank as sad as that may sound but marriage is not just a paper sorry to say lets be realistic love will not buy your babies diapers and milk!

 

I never moved in with my husband before marriage neither would have i if i had to do it over again. Why get the freebies and still no ring in my finger been official and still have to clean after him cook dinner and all the good stuff that comes with it as same as marriage. Lets be realistic and then add kids and drama and he can decide to come and go as he pleases because it is just a girlfriend, sometimes some people need that reinforcement. so nahhhh we either do this all the way or not at all, and not half way just saying.

[MissBee]

I've never had any interest in 'shacking up' and my exW and I did not live together prior to marriage and, reflectively, there were no surprises after the honeymoon in any practical sense of the word, relative to cohabitation. We were older so pretty transparent about our living styles.

 

I'll live alone the rest of my life unless I get married again. For myself, it 'feels' right and that's all I need to know.

 

I am not religious but don't have any interest in "shacking up" either. I know people who it seems like as soon as they've been with someone for a few months they go live with them and it's so bizarre to me.

 

Perhaps at the point where I'm engaged I'll do it (which would be the same I guess as marriage-focused cohabitation), but I feel fine with having sleep overs or spending weeks at a time with you, without literally having to sell my stuff and move in with you. If you have been with someone for a while, have gone on vacation, had sleep overs, been around them for any long periods of time, I can't understand what HUGE thing you will find out upon moving in permanently, that will ruin the relationship, if you don't actually move in until marriage.

 

In my own mind too I feel like I'be a lot more excited post-nuptials to finally wake up in "our" house and that might keep the honeymoon vibe going a bit longer than if we already lived together. But to each his/her own.

[MissBee]

This is exactly why I never lived with either husband and only moved in post marriage. Why give up your freedom before you have to?

 

 

Admittedly, some of it is this for me too.

 

I remember with one boyfriend, he had just bought his first home, and I helped him pick out stuff and I ended up staying over most nights of the week, mostly all weeend and was by his place quite a lot...it was almost like I lived there. I think I was there more than I was at my own place. But the great thing was, I still had my own place and sometimes I just wanted to be alone and be in my own bed and be by myself and it was such a relief that I could be like "Alright babe, I'm going to my place for a while" and then I could go home .

 

I know when I get married,my husband will have to understand that while I love him and want to be with him, sometimes I need to be alone. My current land lady funnily, owns 3 condos on one floor and she said one was for her, one was for her husband and the other was her office! I was like hmmmm I could get down with that.