jttier Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 My relationship of a year and ten months ended almost 3 months ago now. If im honest with myself it had been dying a slow death for a long time before that, i just didnt want to admit it. I guess i still saw something that could be saved. I will freely admit that we had definite communication problems, we are both passive aggressive and have trouble expressing our emotions to each other. I think the reason im having such a hard time with this is because of not getting any closure. The way she ended things with me was extremely vague. In fact to this day she has yet to say the words i dont want to be in a relationship with you anymore. She kept saying she needed time and space in the beginning. I tried my best to give her this, but like i said i knew communication was our biggest problem and i wasnt sure how putting more space between us was going to help things. I tried to respect her feelings and moved out of our apartment and back into my dads. About two weeks after this i found out it was all a lie. I had called her earlier that day to see how she was doing, we talked for a minute, she said she was out with her sister and ended the conversation saying i love you. I found out later that day that she had lied about who she was with. I went to the apartment later that night to confront her about it. I will never get the image of what i saw when i walked up those stairs out of my head for the rest of my life. She ran out of the bedroom and tried for second to head me off from getting to the top of the steps, obviously flustered that i was there unannounced. Before i could even open my mouth a guy came walking out of our bedroom in just his boxers. It was all a lie. The space and time line was just an excuse so she could see someone else behind my back while keeping me in the dark. The worst part? I had asked her the week before if she was seeing anyone else, she said, "That thought hasnt even crossed my mind." I guess she thought i was an idiot but i saw the signs, the emotional unavailibility, the complete lack of any kind of physical intimicy, this all had been going on for months. I really cannot fathom how a person you become so close to, someone you open yourself up to, share alomost 2 years of your life with can lie to you like that. How can someone not have the decency to at least be honest with the person they loved. After that night i didnt say a word to her for a week. She sent me a long email apologizing, saying she missed me and all that other bull **** that people will say when they're scared of losing something they thought they'd always have. I bought it though. And guess what... not a single thing has changed. We still barely see each other. She is still seeing that guy (she swore thats they're only friends now but they work together and i know she has feelings for him.) We only talk when i reach out, we only see each other when i make the plans. I am the only one making an effort. Im really struggling with the feelings of being replaced. She found a new best friend at her one job and a new boyfriend at the other. It ****ing sucks. I feel like **** for missing her. I feel like if i had a single ****ing shred of self respect id never waste another second of my life missing her or the relationship we once had. Because even though that first year was one of the happiest ive ever spent with someone else, the sad truth is that things will never be the same. Ever. Its a ****ing shame really, the person she is now is a didgrace to the girl i feel in love with. This is my story, i started no contact 3 days ago, please help me see it through.
iouaname Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 I had a slightly similar situation, my ex fed me a lot of breadcrumbs, was extremely vague, and made it seem like he just needed some time to figure things out. That is just their way of easing out of the relationship without a full-on "we're over." I can't imagine how hurt you must be, but the important thing is to just keep trucking along with the no contact. 3 days is nothing, honestly, and it will get much harder before it gets better but it will get better.
LoveB86 Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 Steer clear away from her NOW! Trust me, so that YOU can have YOURSELF back. Vanish from her life. Please do this! My story: He disppeared and said he "needed time", found out he was cheating on me and now this girl is his girlfriend. He told her that he was never with me, that he never dated me, I guess I meant nothing to him. I was an angel to this person. He ended us 3 weeks ago. Been in NC for 10 days. Nothing on his end, just silence. It is hard and I know how you feel. It's been 3 days for you, please protect your heart, right now your heart needs to catch up to your mind. It's going to take sometime. Please don't Contact her, right now you do not need to know anything else. It'll just hurt you if you keep in contact with her! Believe me, I am going thru this too. I am so sorry, just please leave her alone!! She is no longer good.
TaraMaiden Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 (edited) 1) You never get closure from the ex. Never. YOU - give you closure. 2) Three days is nothing. Sadly, the three-week mark is an absolute killer, and it's going to take every single ounce of will-power you can muster - and take from us, for we gladly donate it - to never contact her, or never let her contact you! 3) Read the no Contact Guide in my signature (link - updated 2013). The Guide is the very first post. The remainder of the thread is largely made up of posts mainly from those who either broke NC, or were asking about 'friendship' with the ex. Both, a really bad idea..... Take note of everything you're told on here, because trust us - we know. Hell, do we KNOW..... Edited April 19, 2013 by TaraMaiden someone please tell me how to quit writing 'form' when I mean 'from'!!
Author jttier Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 So I thought I'd post an update to get some opinions. Since my last post i had gone no contact for almost exatcly a month. I broke it last week. It was a huge mistake. I dont know why I did but for whatever reason I was feeling extremely depressed, lost my self control as well as my will power and texted her. I basically spilled my heart to her. I told her how much of a hard time I was having with getting over her, how i still care, how not a day has gone by in the last four months that I haven't thought of her. Her response to all of this was that she was deeply sorry and felt awful. I want to believe that she really feels that way but even so its not enough to want to give things another try, which I think deep down is what I want to hear. I was setting my self up for dissapointment from the moment i sent that text. Fast forward to this week and things have been a little different. I texted her yesterday saying I would take care of our cat, which was really the last link between us. I also told her that going forward I am respecting her wish to end our relationship and to please respect mine for us not to have any type of contact whatsoever. I guess what I said next I could've said a little more tactfully but it was something along the lines of, "I believe you that you might miss me sometimes, you might have regrets, you might get sad when you remember all the great times or think of kitty but in the end you got exactly what you wanted. Because thats what matters most to you. One day youll have to face the choices that you've made and the people that you've hurt, I will never forget you. I hope it was worth it." Her repsonse to this was not very kind, I guess the tone of my text had made her angry. She said, "You place all the blame on me. You're never going to have a successful relationship until you can take responsibility for your actions. If you're going to refuse to be civil with me I can do the same." I apologized for offending her, even though what she said really pissed me off. She really has no right to lecture me on taking responsibility for your own actions or knowing exactly what it takes to make a realtionship work. This is the same girl who did what she did in my first post. The same girl who when I walked in on her didn't cry, didn't get upset, angry, sad, didnt try to stop me when I walked out the door, the only thing she said to me was, "What do you want me to say." Im not perfect but I know how much I have to offer and I know exactly what it takes to make a realtionship work. Now that i've cooled off it sounds like she might be reflecting guilt, I don't really know. I guess this turned out be a half vent half advice asking post but should I just leave things the way they are?
TaraMaiden Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Yes. leave things the way they are. It's over. What do you hope to accomplish by prolonging the agony? There may be proportional 'blame' but the responsibility for maintaining a relationship in a healthy and continually evolving way, falls to both members of the partnership. She messed up; you messed up. Live, learn and move on.
Author jttier Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 Yes. leave things the way they are. It's over. What do you hope to accomplish by prolonging the agony? There may be proportional 'blame' but the responsibility for maintaining a relationship in a healthy and continually evolving way, falls to both members of the partnership. She messed up; you messed up. Live, learn and move on. Thanks Tara, solid advice as always. It is greatly appreciated.
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