misswillow Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 I'll try to make a long story short. After being broken up for 5 weeks, and NC for about 3 weeks, my ex called completely distraught and crying. Missing me, feeling like he made a mistake, telling me he thought about me 24/7, felt like it was wrong not being with me, feeling like someone punched him in the stomach, etc. Everything I was feeling. We got together to talk the next day and decided we would take some time to see if we could work things out. We had been together 2.5 years and this was not our first breakup, so I was very anxious about going back and having the same thing happen again. He also wanted to make sure that we both really took our time figuring it out. He explained that the reasons he gave me for the breakup (issues with his kids, too dependent on each other, etc) were all really excuses and he was just being immature thinking he wanted to "live the life of a bachelor." But he now wants to get more serious about his life and knows that he will never love anyone as much as he loves me. He even said, "you have no idea how much I love you." He said he knows he's put me through hell and can't do that to me again. We talked for about an hour and agreed to see each other again the next week. After that talk, I got a couple of calls and texts where he seemed really excited about our plan, but I kept reminding him that we both need to learn how to communicate with each other better. And that I really need to believe that he will now tell me when there are things that are bothering him, rather than just impulsively walk away and then later regret it, as he has done before. I also was concerned that he really could have suddenly matured, and suddenly be sure that he wanted a committed relationship, in such a short amount of time. He agreed. He asked if we could have dinner in a few days, sooner than planned, and I agreed (yes, I have been acting like a puppydog that he has been leading around on a leash). The next day, he texts me and says can we reschedule dinner, with a stupid excuse. I called him and told him that if he is not serious about working things out, I am not interested in doing this. He said he felt like we should go back to our original plan of not seeing each other for a week b/c our emotions were all over the place. I said let's just talk next week. So fast forward a few days and my ex runs the marathon and was only minutes away from being at the finish line when the bombs went off, and was only a block away when it happened. I was frantic when I heard about everything, texted him, and he responded that he was ok. The next morning I called him to see how he was doing, we talked for a couple of minutes and he asked if he could call me right back. That was three days ago and I'm still waiting for that call (obvious sarcasm). So he has apparently changed his mind about everything, after professing his undying love for me, and isn't even going to bother to tell me. It makes me so sad that when something crazy like this happens (ie, terrorist attack), people realize what is really important to them. And he has seemingly realized that I am not what is important to him at all. Not even important enough to tell me. I was so upset thinking about what could have happened to him, and all I wanted to do was be with him, and he must have been feeling the exact opposite. I'm sitting here at home b/c the city is in lockdown right now as a bombing suspect is on the loose, thinking I can't believe that I'm hearing nothing from him while all of this is going on. All those things he told me just over a week ago meant nothing. Obviously, I am done now. He will never hear my voice again, even if he does ever contact me. I just can't believe he can be this cruel. I was dumb and shouldn't even have considered giving him another chance, and now I'm paying the price. I should have known that "trying to figure out" whether we should be together was not a good sign...but I just wanted to believe it could all work out because I have been beyond miserable without him. I keep thinking things couldn't get any worse, but then they do...
amaysngrace Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 Rule #1 Never make immediate plans. If he tries to make plans tell him you're busy even if you aren't. Some men value what they have to work for more than what comes easily and the same goes for you. You should have not been so trusting with him. You should have made him work to win your trust back. 2
Author misswillow Posted April 19, 2013 Author Posted April 19, 2013 Rule #1 Never make immediate plans. If he tries to make plans tell him you're busy even if you aren't. Some men value what they have to work for more than what comes easily and the same goes for you. You should have not been so trusting with him. You should have made him work to win your trust back. Yes, I know I handled it poorly. I've really been in a dark, dark place and I couldn't even think clearly...I just wanted him back so badly even though my head knew that it was likely a big mistake to go down that road. I'm not young, but I seemingly never learn my lesson.
mtnbiker3000 Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 Sorry, but only read the first part of your post. BUT, it sounds like you need CLARITY. You are not seeing this thing for what it is. Happens, I believe, to all of us during the early stages of a BU. Take a step back, remain NC and try to really see what is going on. A therapist may also be of some help. Has helped me a great deal Just my 2 cents... 1
amaysngrace Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 Yes, I know I handled it poorly. I've really been in a dark, dark place and I couldn't even think clearly...I just wanted him back so badly even though my head knew that it was likely a big mistake to go down that road. I'm not young, but I seemingly never learn my lesson. I learned that when you truly care about a person, you'd never ever want to hurt their feelings and not just at the end of the relationship but throughout. Surely there must have been a time when he didn't seem to care that something was bothering you? 2
Author misswillow Posted April 19, 2013 Author Posted April 19, 2013 I think I've known deep down what is really going on, but have been denying it. But I am seeing things more clearly now, I guess I can thank his disappearing act for that. I am seeing a therapist, but it's not helping too much. She wants me to write a letter to my "inner child"...not really my thing, but I'll keep going to see if it starts to help.
Author misswillow Posted April 19, 2013 Author Posted April 19, 2013 I learned that when you truly care about a person, you'd never ever want to hurt their feelings and not just at the end of the relationship but throughout. Surely there must have been a time when he didn't seem to care that something was bothering you? Yes, there were times like that. He could be quite selfish at times. I think that's his whole issue with being in a relationship, he doesn't want to have to put anyone but himself first. So when he tells me he realizes he has been immature and selfish and that he is going to change, I want to believe him. My head recognizes all of this is just BS, it's just my heart that has a hard time not believing him. Because he could also be so great and loving to me, and make me feel like the most special woman in the world. I knew I should have stayed NC. 1
amaysngrace Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 I think I've known deep down what is really going on, but have been denying it. But I am seeing things more clearly now, I guess I can thank his disappearing act for that. I am seeing a therapist, but it's not helping too much. She wants me to write a letter to my "inner child"...not really my thing, but I'll keep going to see if it starts to help. I had to write a letter to my inner child and then she would write me back. I used my left hand and a crayon when my child spoke. It was only a small part of my healing but I guess it helped. 1
Author misswillow Posted April 19, 2013 Author Posted April 19, 2013 I had to write a letter to my inner child and then she would write me back. I used my left hand and a crayon when my child spoke. It was only a small part of my healing but I guess it helped. Interesting. That would be a very short letter if I had to write with my left hand! 1
TaraMaiden Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 I think I've known deep down what is really going on, but have been denying it. But I am seeing things more clearly now, I guess I can thank his disappearing act for that. I am seeing a therapist, but it's not helping too much. She wants me to write a letter to my "inner child"...not really my thing, but I'll keep going to see if it starts to help. Change therapist. A good therapist is one who works with you and has a good idea from the onset what 'type' of counselling/therapy works best. They may suggest different avenues and methods to explore, but if you explain that no, you don't feel comfortable doing things that way (sounds very 'new-agey' to me) then they will approach matters to suit you, not some odd practice they think will work. it's experimenting with you, and right now, that's not an angle that it's wise for you to participate in. If you don't like the idea - say so. Simply because you don't gel with this therapist, doesn't mean you have to stick with them. I confess, I worked my way through three before abandoning the idea all together and "going DIY". But it was only going through three that I realised, for myself, i could do this, for myself. Not everyone can, or wants to. So if you'd like to continue seeing a therapist, don't be scared to find one who 'reads from the same page you do'. 1
Author misswillow Posted April 19, 2013 Author Posted April 19, 2013 Change therapist. A good therapist is one who works with you and has a good idea from the onset what 'type' of counselling/therapy works best. They may suggest different avenues and methods to explore, but if you explain that no, you don't feel comfortable doing things that way (sounds very 'new-agey' to me) then they will approach matters to suit you, not some odd practice they think will work. it's experimenting with you, and right now, that's not an angle that it's wise for you to participate in. If you don't like the idea - say so. Simply because you don't gel with this therapist, doesn't mean you have to stick with them. I confess, I worked my way through three before abandoning the idea all together and "going DIY". But it was only going through three that I realised, for myself, i could do this, for myself. Not everyone can, or wants to. So if you'd like to continue seeing a therapist, don't be scared to find one who 'reads form the same page you do'. I am going to go back this week and tell her I don't really want to work with my inner child...I'm more interested in coping techniques right now. I'll see how that goes. I may just be someone who doesn't really benefit from therapy b/c I have also tried others in the past, but never really felt like I was getting anything out of it. Honestly, I think this site has helped me more than any therapy, and I'm thankful for that.
mtnbiker3000 Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 (edited) I am going to go back this week and tell her I don't really want to work with my inner child...I'm more interested in coping techniques right now. I'll see how that goes. I may just be someone who doesn't really benefit from therapy b/c I have also tried others in the past, but never really felt like I was getting anything out of it. Honestly, I think this site has helped me more than any therapy, and I'm thankful for that. I agree, try another. I got lucky and mine is quite good. I chose a woman on purpose for various reasons, and she has been helping a lot. I even had a small 'breakthrough' on Wednesday. Try another on before abandoning the idea. Maybe it will work, maybe it won't!! Have really been working on leftbrain vs rightbrain and the incompatibilities that exist between those who live primarily in one area or the other. And the need to develop both sides to truly make informed decisions. I live primarily in my left and have been making choices from there and have been experiencing repeat (negative) outcomes in my life. Need to explore the right more. Well, that's just what I've been working on lately... Edited April 19, 2013 by mtnbiker3000 1
Minneloa Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 I'm so sorry to hear this, misswillow. Try not to beat yourself up about it; we have all been blinded by our emotions (especially that pesky hope!) at one time or another. Sending good thoughts. M. 2
Author misswillow Posted April 19, 2013 Author Posted April 19, 2013 I'm so sorry to hear this, misswillow. Try not to beat yourself up about it; we have all been blinded by our emotions (especially that pesky hope!) at one time or another. Sending good thoughts. M. Thank you!
TaraMaiden Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 My first therapist ended up spewing their issues on to me....I became a fine Dr Frazier Crane for that one, I can tell you! My problems paled into insignificance! I also was saveable by Jesus Christ our Lord, if i would just take him into my life..... The second one came onto me and wanted to screw me stupid . Trouble is, it was a 'she' and I don't happen to swing that way..... And the third out and out disliked me, and made it clear from the outset... In the end I read everything from Louise Hay, Scott-Peck, to Zukhav, Dr Phil, Iyanla Vanzant, Debbie Ford and Eckhart Tolle. Whatever 'self-help' book I could get my hands on, I bought. I began to appreciate, after a while, that they had a common thread.... basically, the Buck-stop's here. (Did you see what I did, there...? ) You just have to make sure it's a pleasant Buck-stop, not an unpleasant one. You have to like yourself enough to be your own best friend - in other words, if you were to meet 'you', you'd be exactly the kind of best friend you'd want to have 'batting on your side'. Ultimately, the race may seem arduous, but when you realise it's only against yourself, you begin to ease up on the hard slog trudge, and turn it into a pleasant long walk. 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 My first therapist ended up spewing their issues on to me....I became a fine Dr Frazier Crane for that one, I can tell you! My problems paled into insignificance! I also was saveable by Jesus Christ our Lord, if i would just take him into my life..... The second one came onto me and wanted to screw me stupid . Trouble is, it was a 'she' and I don't happen to swing that way..... And the third out and out disliked me, and made it clear from the outset... In the end I read everything from Louise Hay, Scott-Peck, to Zukhav, Dr Phil, Iyanla Vanzant, Debbie Ford and Eckhart Tolle. Whatever 'self-help' book I could get my hands on, I bought. I began to appreciate, after a while, that they had a common thread.... basically, the Buck-stop's here. (Did you see what I did, there...? ) You just have to make sure it's a pleasant Buck-stop, not an unpleasant one. You have to like yourself enough to be your own best friend - in other words, if you were to meet 'you', you'd be exactly the kind of best friend you'd want to have 'batting on your side'. Ultimately, the race may seem arduous, but when you realise it's only against yourself, you begin to ease up on the hard slog trudge, and turn it into a pleasant long walk. No wonder you gave up on therapy All three = unprofessional!!! That sucks. Well, I guess there are dirt bags everywhere, even in the feild of psychology/psychiatry. Well, luckily I am getting a lot from mine...
ab5 Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 ] So fast forward a few days and my ex runs the marathon and was only minutes away from being at the finish line when the bombs went off, and was only a block away when it happened. I was frantic when I heard about everything, texted him, and he responded that he was ok. It makes me so sad that when something crazy like this happens (ie, terrorist attack), people realize what is really important to them. And he has seemingly realized that I am not what is important to him at all. Aw I'm sorry misswillow. I agree that when something crazy happens, we think about our loved ones who we care for the most and want to make sure they're ok. About a month or two after me and my ex fiance broke up, there was a natural disaster in our area that crossed a few states. I texted my ex. No response. And even though he didn't reply, I still worried whether he was ok and if he had shelter. And then I realized wow, I'm in the same area of the natural disaster and he didn't even care enough to reach out to me, after everything we've been through together. The same guy who told me he'll protect me for the rest of my life.. didn't even bother to see if I was ok. I guess my love for him was unconditional but his for me wasn't. I'm going through the same things as you are. We can't be hard on ourselves (I know easier said than done.) I hate to use the cliche "love is blind" but it's true. I guess it won't be a bad thing once we find the person for us, who deserves our blind love. In the meantime, stay strong. 1
TaraMaiden Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 No wonder you gave up on therapy All three = unprofessional!!! That sucks. Well, I guess there are dirt bags everywhere, even in the feild of psychology/psychiatry. Well, luckily I am getting a lot from mine... Remember this is the UK.... although attitudes are changing, if you were seeing a therapist/in counselling, at one time, you were seriously phukked up and as good as certifiable... quite the taboo subject. Ergo, being less common, it wasn't as easy to find a satisfactory person - or one that wasn't actually seriously messed up themselves! Talk about 'Physician, heal thyself!' Being 'in therapy' here is not as commonplace as it is in the USA... in fact, you're almost odd-ball if you don't have a therapist/counsellor/analyst there..... it seems everyone who's anyone, has one.... I'm not really sure what any of that says about the British/Americans though... (Why is it 'THE British' but not 'THE Americans....? )
siankat Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 It almost sounds sinister now in retrospect when he said, 'You have no idea how much I love you'. Nope, obviously none. Seems from questions posed by people on here, answered by you, that you knew something wasn't right. It is a shock, and it has happened to me. The only explanation i can come up with is that, he wanted to see if he could still count you as one of his 'admirers' for want of a better word. My friend married a guy who came back to her twice after he 'couldn't find anyone better'. Hmm...you have made a lucky escape. Sorry that bad circumstances are magnifying your feelings of loss. Like you know, there is worse going on out there. 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 Remember this is the UK.... although attitudes are changing, if you were seeing a therapist/in counselling, at one time, you were seriously phukked up and as good as certifiable... quite the taboo subject. Ergo, being less common, it wasn't as easy to find a satisfactory person - or one that wasn't actually seriously messed up themselves! Talk about 'Physician, heal thyself!' Being 'in therapy' here is not as commonplace as it is in the USA... in fact, you're almost odd-ball if you don't have a therapist/counsellor/analyst there..... it seems everyone who's anyone, has one.... I'm not really sure what any of that says about the British/Americans though... (Why is it 'THE British' but not 'THE Americans....? ) Bummer. Yes, it does seem much more commonplace here as to 'cross the pond' It's actually unfortunate, because I'm sure there may of you Brits who could really benefit from therapy/counseling with being labeled as a loon or weak or whatever else is attached to it. Nobody so much as bats an eye here when you mention it. Granted this is only the second time I've ever been in my 41 years. The first was also due to a girl (11 years ago), but that was just my 3 free session offered by by my ins. co. This time around I have been about 7 or 8 times and plan on at least a few more. As I mentioned I am making some serious breakthroughs/connections that I really feel will help me down the road Well, feel free to come on over anytime you like and we'll get ya set up with a good 'non-dirt bag' therapist
TaraMaiden Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 Oh, you think I need one....? Right now I'd chew them up an' spit 'em out.... (Meant to ask you O/T whether you got any books yet.....)
Author misswillow Posted April 19, 2013 Author Posted April 19, 2013 It almost sounds sinister now in retrospect when he said, 'You have no idea how much I love you'. Nope, obviously none. Yep, I guess the answer was that he really doesn't love me at all.
ThatJustHappened Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 Remember this is the UK.... although attitudes are changing, if you were seeing a therapist/in counselling, at one time, you were seriously phukked up and as good as certifiable... quite the taboo subject. Ergo, being less common, it wasn't as easy to find a satisfactory person - or one that wasn't actually seriously messed up themselves! Talk about 'Physician, heal thyself!' Being 'in therapy' here is not as commonplace as it is in the USA... in fact, you're almost odd-ball if you don't have a therapist/counsellor/analyst there..... it seems everyone who's anyone, has one.... I'm not really sure what any of that says about the British/Americans though... (Why is it 'THE British' but not 'THE Americans....? ) Because you can add an 's' to the suffix 'an' and change it from a verb to a noun (American vs Americans), whereas the 'sh' suffix is universal, so you have to add the 'the' to make it clear that you mean the word as a noun. 1
ThatJustHappened Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 Because you can add an 's' to the suffix 'an' and change it from a verb to a noun (American vs Americans), whereas the 'sh' suffix is universal, so you have to add the 'the' to make it clear that you mean the word as a noun. Also hugs to the OP. I'm sorry your ex is behaving like such a rotten monkey nut...
TaraMaiden Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 Well I'll go to the foot of my stairs, while you go to the top of your class! Thanks for that!!
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