A Depression and a breakup

[Woodpigeon]

Hello,

 

This is going to be quite the long story. I'll try to keep it as internet-friendly as possible.

 

I'm depressed right now. Not because she left me, I was before. When she was still around. I had two very bad relationships in the past three years. With women that, in their hearts, just weren't kind. But I loved them, and I was with them for, well, far too long.

 

Then, at the end of october last year, she came around. I met her on the bus. There's a significant age (and so, life-status) gap with her being just short of 10 years older than me. We decided to give it a go anyway and, well, the first few months were bliss. Never in my life before did I feel so loved and so looked after. And I loved and looked after her.

 

Then, finally, my depression kicked in. I say 'finally', because i'd been on the verge of depression for two years. I didn't feel totally ****, but I wasn't exactly happy, either.

 

But then I lost my will to live. There was never any thought of suicide, but there was the thought of death. People who have been depressed will know, people who haven't been won't. And you're blessed for it.

 

Anyway, I decided to get help in February. I wanted to save myself, and save the relationship with a girl I truly, truly loved. But it took a long time. There were waiting lists, intakes, more waiting and no treatment.

 

Then she pulled the plug. She just couldn't cope with me being sad anymore, and I can't really blame her. I wasn't always sad, but when I was it was terrible. I was so aware of the strain I was putting on her (and my friends) that I just became, well, even more depressed.

 

Now she's gone. She has been for little over a week. We talked on the phone since then, and she said while she still loves me, she feels she made the right decision. And I understand it completely, and I want to respect that.

 

I just got a letter this week. My treatment will start in two weeks time. Four months after my initial collapse.

 

But I miss her so much. I felt so at home when she was around, and I really hope there's a chance for us, somewhere down the line.

 

I just needed to get this out. Feel free to respond!

[Mcnulty]

You might want to look up dysthymia, a form of depression that is long lasting, not as severe as chronic depression, but harder to budge it away.

 

Great that you're getting some help soon.

 

Take one day at a time, try to focus on the here and now, the moment you're in and look on it as mindfulness, realizing and appreciating the surroundings you're in at that moment. Look on every day as a step forward, as time is your ally when getting over a tough break up, every day is a step closer to getting you back hopefully. Baby steps is the key.

 

The ex, she bailed on you, you're ill, it's not your fault, it's not a sign of weakness to feel depressed, it just means you've soldiered on to a point where you can take not much more.

 

You were not meant to be with her, if you were, she'd be here, looking after you and supporting you, she isn't because she didn't want to..doesn't make her a bad person, just not the other piece of your jigsaw.

 

I wish you strength and luck.

[Woodpigeon]

You might want to look up dysthymia, a form of depression that is long lasting, not as severe as chronic depression, but harder to budge it away.

 

This might be a thing, thanks! It really sounds like, well, me the last 'couple of years.

 

But still. I miss her so much, and I simply don't know what to do to make it right now...

[BlackGoaty]

I think someone who cannot be with you in times of sickness and taking the easy way out and still profess they love you are simply just words.

[Woodpigeon]

I don't know... Sometimes I just feel totally and completely unlovable. I'm really not in a very good place at this very moment.

[Mcnulty]

Sending strength to you mate, I know how hard it is.

 

Think I'm heading down a dark alley at the mo. Stupidly met up with my ex a couple weeks ago, we'd been apart for 11 months, reconciled as friends 6 months ago, texts and chats every day, them boomph, we meet for coffee, I know I can't ever take her back and realize it's pointless being friends, so no contact since 2 weeks ago, think she's either gotten with a guy or realized the same thing...sad, my phone is sooo quiet now...I was a fool to think I could be platonic friends.

[Woodpigeon]

Well. She won't return my calls (the first one i've made since tuesday -which was aa good conversation-.) Two weeks ago she 'loved' me. Now she's gone.

 

I litteraly don't want to live anymore. I've had this feeling for the past few days. I'm going away tomorrow. I've packed some bags and I don't think I'll be coming back. I'm done with this place. I'm done with being me, here. I won't do anything harmful to myself or others. I'm just done apologizing. I'm done with the guilt and the pain.

[maiden555]

Wishing you all the best. I have mild depression and my ex has had the type you're experiencing. It's like a prison. Please take care of yourself and know that you will find happiness. This moment is fleeting.

[all_cats_rgray]

She split in your time of need. Kind of harsh, what does that say about her.

 

The fact is; depression, lifts, as heavy and painful as it is. IT LIFTS, its called remission. You have to remind your self everyday, that you will be happy again.

 

I personally think its silly, and weak of a person to leave someone for this reason.

 

Think about it is the roles where flipped, how would you feel;

 

would you feel; understanding, loving, and compassionate.

 

Or would you be like "Well this person is unable, f u c k them, ill find someone that is happy "right" now.

 

I think its funny if the roles where reversed. You would tell your girlfriend, every thing going to be alright. We will get you help, you would get the help, the depression would life. Bing bata boom, sex in a shower.

 

I know I make it sound easy... for the person that in the state, it feel's like hell on earth. HENCE, someone with perspective is useful. To bad they are as dense as wood.

 

Truth is when she's in a tough spot, and depression hits. I hope someone leaves her for a striper.

[Woodpigeon]

That sounds, well, a little unkind. But maybe you are right. I'm really torn between understanding and empathy towards her and feeling completely and utterly deserted at the same time.

 

Because I had some, well, bullying and bad relationships I find it really hard to fight against the 'you see! Never trust love'-emotions. I worked very hard to put trust in our relationship, and this is not a good thing to happen in that aspect. She knew about this, by the way.

 

Thanks alot for all your responses. A depression and a breakup are tough to handle at the same time. Especially the sundays and the evenings. You just feel so utterly and utterly alone.

[Woodpigeon]

It just feels like she did everything and I wasn't good enough. I struggled so hard, I feel and felt so much guilt for not being happy...

[LumberJack]

I feel for you.

 

I was also dumped during a bout of depression. One day I called her up crying, said the walls were closing in on me and everything's wrong. Told her I've set an appointment with the shrink and I'll make it all better. A week and a half later when my first session finally came - she was already long-gone.

Bad karma.

[Woodpigeon]

I'm really torn between understanding and empathy towards her and feeling completely and utterly deserted at the same time.

 

I just hate this feeling so much. It's like I am two different persons right now, the normal and reasonable one, and the depressed guy.

 

I feel like I cocked up so badly... We had some pretty amazing times.

 

I broke of all contact with her today, deleted her number, facebook etc. Hurts like hell.

[Woodpigeon]

Sorry to say... I need some words right now... I feel so incredibly guilty and responsible for makin people, and espescially her, unhappy. I'll get the results and diagnosed tomorrow... I'm nervous...

[OwlSoul]

Hey dude, eveyrone would feel and do the same as you've done in your place. You're feeling worse than anyone around you. Moreover, you won't change anything by feeling the guilt. *hugs* Cheer up. It's not going to be this way all the time. Be kind on yourself

[Woodpigeon]

Thanks for all the support. It's really up-and-downy right now. There have really been times that I just wanted to die, the past few weeks. I haven't heard anything from her. I texted the 'diagnosis' that I got because I thought she'd might be interested/had a right to know.

 

She said thanks, love and all the best. So this is really over, and that's something that really came hard on everything I'm already struggeling with.

 

I'm just plain unhappy at the moment. I was when I was with her. She's older and made her passion into her profession, and here I am still trying to find something I actually like to do. There aren't many of those things. I felt so unworthy of her love, because I am, well, nothing.... I guess I need to find a way to live with that.

[Georgia83]

Woodpigeon,

 

I know that it is not easy and I was in a similar position but I was the one that walked away from my boyfriend who had depression caused by a serious drug problem. I know this is not the same situation but I still love that guy to the bottom of my heart and although I knew that we couldn't go on the way we were.

 

It broke my heart seeing him the way he was and wished I could help but I was powerless in what i could do. He had an illness and I couldn't cure it.

 

He went into councilling not long after we split and I hear he is doing well, I haven't spoken to my ex in over 5 months now and although I wish I could continue in contact with him, I know that it is not fair on either of us and that he needs to focus on himself and I wish him all the luck.

 

The same goes to you, although you may feel lost, alone and at times desperate to shift the numb feeling but hold on you will get through this and lots of people clearly care for you and want the best for you.

 

Good luck my friend xx

[Woodpigeon]

Woodpigeon,

 

I know that it is not easy and I was in a similar position but I was the one that walked away from my boyfriend who had depression caused by a serious drug problem. I know this is not the same situation but I still love that guy to the bottom of my heart and although I knew that we couldn't go on the way we were.

 

It broke my heart seeing him the way he was and wished I could help but I was powerless in what i could do. He had an illness and I couldn't cure it.

 

He went into councilling not long after we split and I hear he is doing well, I haven't spoken to my ex in over 5 months now and although I wish I could continue in contact with him, I know that it is not fair on either of us and that he needs to focus on himself and I wish him all the luck.

 

Good luck my friend xx

 

Thanks. And, well, as for your story, it sounds quite understandable. But, being the starry-eyed romantic that I am, if you really do love each other then there's no reason why it can't work out in the long run. Maybe he, like me, needs to figure out some important things on his own. But maybe being together might make the ride easier. I'm not recommending anything, but just, y'know... sayin'

[Woodpigeon]

I'm thinking of going by her house tomorrow, with some flowers. I miss her so much. We had some great loving moments together...

 

Or; well, I want to buy her a music box. She's a musician, so...

Edited April 30, 2013 by Woodpigeon

[Woodpigeon]

I called her. We had a conversation that lasted over an hour. Now I haven't slept. Why am I such a failure?

 

I want to die. If there's a God I hope he takes me away.