Where does the rage come from?

[seren]

WW, what you are feeling is what most of have felt during reconciliation. Think of it like a Hurricane, after the initial woosh and storm, comes a relative period of making up and maybe not calm but a, Thank God we are still here. Now comes the cleaning up after the storm has blown put, picking though the wreckage and being angry that we were hit by a hurricane in the first place.

 

I popped a few knuckles so tight were my fists clenched in rage during the first year or so. I used to go for walks down the beach and scream at the sea, or smash cups against the shed wall, I could no longer run, but I wished with all that I had that I could put on my old running shoes and run and run until I felt exhausted. I wrote it all out, pages and pages of hurt, anger and loss, I wrote for around 2 years and when I felt we had climbed the worse of it, I burned it all and felt my shoulders relax, finally.

 

Reconciliation is not easy, anyone who thinks that it is a case of saying, OK you had an A, bad girl/boy, don't do it again and all is well is clearly delusional. It is the mark of a relationship's strength if it can survive and thrive after an A. Some do and some don't, it isn't a reflection on the people, or their intent, just that the relationship cannot weather the storm.

 

I used to talk to H when I felt angry, we would ride out my anger together and I him when he was angry with himself, keeping it brief and not allowing it to spill into hours and hours of anger, I also told him I was angry at the A, but was trying to process it all, but also that I loved him. Sure scared the crap out of him as I don't do anger often, mainly because my angry is spectacularly angry and I hate hurting people.

 

What you feel is normal, usual and as Spark said, bang on time. Sort through the wreckage, sling out what you don't need, keep what is important, be angry but also love. I hope it goes OK for you both. A's are such crap, crap things to happen.

[Jonah]

Jonah, BetrayedH,

 

I believe her anger comes from ego. When our WS do this to us we immediately feel and say how can this person do this to me.

 

Once you let go of your ego, it doesn't matter. The rage will be an anger void of wanting to hurt or kill.

 

And there it is Jnel! Ego clinging! Ok smarty, so how then to let go of ego? And if successful, would the emotion still be rage?

[waterwoman]

Ego. Yes of course. Thing is if it wasn't for ego there would be no purpose to this forum. What happens if I feel rage on behalf of someone not directly known to me affected similarly by infidelity, is that ego driven? Is it because of projection? Or even afflicted in a different way? Is that ego?or empathy?

Don't get me wrong, I don't want this rage, it burns. But I guess it has its place, like fever in an illness. I will have to endure it and co m e out with the illness burnt away.

Seren, thank you, your storm analogy is perfect. I am burning the wreckage and the fallen trees atm.

[2.50 a gallon]

For what it is worth, upon catching my Ex in the arms of the OM, my anger was uncontrollable, had I been able to get through or around the chain link fence I would have been at them with a baseball bat

 

That was part of the reason why I knew that I could never take her back once she wanted to reconcile. And in fact for my own personal safety resolved to never ever fall in love and marry again.

 

The never falling in love lasted for a decade and a half, though I still will never take the chance and marry again.

[ComingInHot]

jonah, in response to your perspective, I guess I just see it the way it affected me at the time.

My environment is an extension of who I am and how I feel about myself. I have a hard time compartmentalizing as well as counting on my own inner self enlightenment/awareness to make me content/happy w/whatever thing life or people throw my way. Probably because of how imperfect I know I am.

 

Couple things, ( & again it's just me here)*

-Fear can be protective & healthy if I don't let it overwhelm & debilitate me.

-Anger can stem from many different things ie; fear, hurt, ego (someone mentioned) etc..

-Anger can also protect my heart and mind if I can't yet deal w/something

 

I DO count on the love, support & promises of other, even though I know they may let me down as they are as imperfect as I.

I also have faith. It is the one thing that won't ever fail me, or break promises, or leave me and it's rules are unchanging in this ever changing world.

[Spark1111]

And there it is Jnel! Ego clinging! Ok smarty, so how then to let go of ego? And if successful, would the emotion still be rage?

 

For me, it was ego, not fear.

 

Ego and resentment. I raged because I did not deserve this pain. No one does. I was a devoted wife and mother, worked sun up to sun down to preserve us and all we held dear, our family.

 

That was the source of my rage, yep, yep, yep.

[Jonah]

I have a hard time compartmentalizing as well as counting on my own inner self enlightenment/awareness to make me content/happy w/whatever thing life or people throw my way. Probably because of how imperfect I know I am.

 

Very difficult to stop the thought trane! The mind is like a wild elephant. How to train that? I can't do it either, but it is a worthy distraction out of my storyline. I have come to the conclusion that my storylines are always bologna and a complete waste of time but I still can't help but follow them. Why? Because it gives temporary relief... a sense of justification so "I" can be bigger. The side effect is suffering the red hot juicy emotions - whose adrenaline can be addictive in its own right. follows the purpose of this thread I think...

[Jonah]

For me, it was ego, not fear.

 

Ego and resentment. I raged because I did not deserve this pain. No one does. I was a devoted wife and mother, worked sun up to sun down to preserve us and all we held dear, our family.

 

That was the source of my rage, yep, yep, yep.

 

That's easy to understand. It's a cold world out there and the commitment is to work together to protect each other and the family. You were doing your part believing he was doing his and he went and purposely blew it all up! All ego aside... Gad durn!

[ladydesigner]

We didn't end up reconciling , we divorced. But during the entire process ....

 

First I was heartbroken. Then I was angry. Or both At once. Then confused and frustrated by wondering how I got myself involved with a broken person, how I let myself be fooled, how unable he was to just come clean and be honest.

 

Then I was barking mad with fury over his audacity. And over his treatment of me by choosing to do something that really wasn't important to him, just selfish.

 

The entitlement. It strikes you.

 

Sounds just like my WH I am 14 months out from DDay1. I felt like I raged through most of the 1st year because of multiple DDays. My WH is very broken. He felt very entitled at the time.

 

I am much calmer now, but I will still feel the anger when I think of the things MOW had said to me. For some reason her words will always have a special place in my memory as well as who my WH was during that time.

 

One thing that had been mentioned is that fear is usually what hides beneath anger. That is what my IC preaches anyway . I am pretty sure I feared losing my WH. Now I do not fear that anymore, hence less anger.

[ladydesigner]

Just wanted to add that medication REALLY helped my anger.

[waterwoman]

Sounds just like my WH I am 14 months out from DDay1. I felt like I raged through most of the 1st year because of multiple DDays. My WH is very broken. He felt very entitled at the time.

 

I am much calmer now, but I will still feel the anger when I think of the things MOW had said to me. For some reason her words will always have a special place in my memory as well as who my WH was during that time.

 

One thing that had been mentioned is that fear is usually what hides beneath anger. That is what my IC preaches anyway . I am pretty sure I feared losing my WH. Now I do not fear that anymore, hence less anger.

 

Yes to 'fear' lady. Not fear he will do it again, that's gone. The fear is that maybe we are flogging a dead horse because that is what our marriage might be. I don't know.

[waterwoman]

Nofool - no he isn't still in contact with her, I am as sure as i can be if that. But they work in the same school so occasional brief contact is inevitable. It doesn't bother me as it would if they still worked closely together as they did. If I did want to scream in her face, I could find her quite easily. But of course I won't.

[beenburned]

I had fear that my H was NOT going/able to change and that our young family would be split up. I was a SAHM when d-day happened, so I also worried about how I would support myself and the kids if I did divorce him.

 

Like 2sure mentioned, my H did all of this for sh** and giggles, simply because he was selfish and felt a huge sense of entitlement! His flings didn't have anything to do with falling in love with another person. All 3 of his OW were just brief FB's.

 

We had a frequent and satisfying sex life, he was NEVER turned down. He was just greedy and wanted more.