Where does the rage come from?

[waterwoman]

And why? Why 9 months down the line do I feel so furious? It's exhausting and I have to try to suppress it as it's nothing but destructive. In the last few days there have been times when I want to hit him. I want to go and find her and scream in her face.

 

I won't. I am expressing it here.

[TheOW]

WW I do not know you personally but I have great amounts of respect for you, if you like take your anger out on me on here I think im pretty similar to your OW.

 

I will not be offended it may be good for you and me both xxx

[waterwoman]

WW I do not know you personally but I have great amounts of respect for you, if you like take your anger out on me on here I think im pretty similar to your OW.

 

I will not be offended it may be good for you and me both xxx

 

Thanks my lovely but I wouldn't dream of it xx

 

It wasn't you.

[96nole]

And why? Why 9 months down the line do I feel so furious? It's exhausting and I have to try to suppress it as it's nothing but destructive. In the last few days there have been times when I want to hit him. I want to go and find her and scream in her face.

 

I won't. I am expressing it here.

You've been hurt, betrayed, disrespected, dishonored. He lied to you. He took advantage of your trust. You question everything and everyone.

 

You don't feel safe. No matter what goes on in the world, your home is supposed to be your "safe place". Your husband is supposed to be the one that has your back. Only it turns out he was the one stabbing you in the back. The one who was supposed to protect you, was harming you in one of the worst ways possible.

 

That's why you're still so furious. My fists were still clenched after 9 months as well.

[ComingInHot]

WaterWoman,

I've noticed that most of my anger stems from fear. My H was supposed to protect me. He didn't. That really scared me. I had been manipulated and lied to and became insecure.

Fear of;

exOW's aggressive behavior towards me. How far would this woman take things?

fear of the change in our relationship - Would we divorce/reconcile?

fear of the emotions that were now a part of my daily life - Could I handle them?

fear of not knowing what was real & true - Would I ever regain my footing?

fear of reconciation - Would it last/be real?

fear of my childrens' stability - Would they "know" what their dad did & would they be alright?

fear of Never getting past how they hurt me - Would I be able to move past H's A?

 

All of this made me very angry!

It raged w/in me for a looooong time.

Every now & again, I still want to pinch him really hard and it takes me a minute to even realize why.

 

But so far, I'm happy I let him come back to prove himself. He has spent these past years working hard on himself & me & our M.

I don't know if you'll end up where I am in three years (he** I don't know where I'll end up in five years), but know that what you're feeling is part in parcel of having been part of an A w/out your approval.

Hang in WW*

[Spark1111]

And why? Why 9 months down the line do I feel so furious? It's exhausting and I have to try to suppress it as it's nothing but destructive. In the last few days there have been times when I want to hit him. I want to go and find her and scream in her face.

 

I won't. I am expressing it here.

 

I think you are right on schedule.

 

I hope psychology catches up with the effects of betrayal mimicking PTSD.

 

The first stage is shock and denial. You cannot believe this happened to you; you will do, say anything to preserve your bond and your reality; you wrack your brain to figure out how you never suspected. You blame yourself and project empathy onto the AP and want to forgive and understand your WS. At least, I did.

 

Next comes anger.

 

It means you are finally feeling SECURE enough that your reality is not changing, your marriage and way of life, as you know it, is preserved, survival mode is easing up.....and BAM! There it is, coming up from your toes, rage like you have never felt before.

 

Yep, here comes the rest of the roller coaster and it is NOT fun. Anger and depression come next, and you know what? Anger is depression turned inwards, so let it out lady! Big time! And speak to your doc, please.

 

And do not drink.

 

There were times I felt drak clouds brewing and packed a bag to check into a hotel overnight rather than subject my family to what would grow out of control.

 

This is a very difficult stage, but a necessary one to traverse towards healing.

 

Keep venting and posting.

[waterwoman]

Thankyou.

 

CIH - I look to you and others on here to be my guides - you've acheived so much. I need that encouragement.

 

96nole - yep, fists clenched! And teeth gritted at times. I swear my jaw muscles are growing and I have a sore tongue from biting it so often and so hard.

 

paper - "Everyone who told him that life is short do what makes you happy." Oh god I hate that sentiment - it's facile, self-centred and short-sighted.

Yes life is short and precious, don't taint it by behaving without honour or integrity. Don't mire it in guilt or the pain of others.

 

spark - you are another of my inspirations! I have just reduced the dose of my ADs so I really don't want to get worse depression! I have been amazed at just how unoriginal I am everywhere I read that I am doing just as expected. It's almost funny. But also reassuring. I really hope things don't get worse. Strangely I was just thinking that I wanted to take myself off for the weekend, just to Exmoor (down the road from me), stay in a little B&B and do a few mammoths walks. Actually i think I will - but maybe not this weekend as we have family plans. But that's the thing isn't it? There are always family plans.....<sigh>

[waterwoman]

I am angry at so many things.

 

Angry at me - for thinking that marriage was a foundation, that it would be stable and reliable as a base for the rest of my life. It isn't, it's roots, it still needs water and food.

 

I am angry about my depression - it has made me a different woman to the one I was years ago. I don't have enough energy, I don't seem to find time to do the things that need to be done let alone the things I want to do.

 

I am angry at my mum who taught me first hand how to be an effing martyr! and to always put everyone and everything else first and never to demand or expect appreciation.

 

I am angry at OW for thinking her problems were so dreadful she needed my H to help her out rather than addressing them herself (hey, pot, kettle.... yes I know). That she can play the tragic lonely heroine while I am the cruel scary wife who put her foot down like a pantomime ugly sister.

 

I am angry at H for not telling me what he needed me to do. For not being a big enough man to help me when I so desperately needed him to. For not taking on my burdens when I was struggling under them - instead turning away and carrying OW's for her. For feeling so dreadful for her pain when mine was so clear to everyone else who knows me. For thinking that I didn't love him

because I was ILL and pre-occupied with trying to pull myself back into the light for the entire time of their affair.

 

I am angry at their stupid little affair because now I don't feel safe, I don't trust 100% like I did before. I feel like the default choice. I hate it that I don't really trust that I know what he is thinking anymore. I feel like if their love connection was so wonderful I must be such a clumsy great oaf for stamping all over it. I hate that whenever he is tired or stressed I no longer think 'poor H, he's having a bad time at work, how can I make him feel better?' I have to fight to stop myself thinkng 'Oh lord, he's acting like he did then, is he seeing again? what can I do to make him love me more?' Which is crap crap crap and so humiliating.

 

All of this is spite of 9 months, a great MC that really helped, a great IC that helped me and all the advice of LS <sigh>

 

 

Raaaaahhhhhhh!!!!

 

That's a bit better.

[Soul_Lost]

I just recently hit 4 years post D-Day earlier this month. I still have days when I find it makes me angry. The trick is to not let it overwhelm you and control your actions. Recognize it for what it is and acknowledge it.

 

Don't let it define who you are but help it to shape how you want to be. Believe it or not you do have the right to be angry and it will last you for several months. But venting about it and processing it will only serve to help you down the line.

[2sure]

We didn't end up reconciling , we divorced. But during the entire process ....

 

First I was heartbroken. Then I was angry. Or both At once. Then confused and frustrated by wondering how I got myself involved with a broken person, how I let myself be fooled, how unable he was to just come clean and be honest.

 

Then I was barking mad with fury over his audacity. And over his treatment of me by choosing to do something that really wasn't important to him, just selfish.

 

The entitlement. It strikes you.

[SmokeRat]

Since the separation and subsequent divorce to my STBXW are set in stone now, I've found that I am having issues dealing with my rage.

 

Rage over her being able to keep the house, my dog and everything in the house.

Rage of the OM, being able to keep his life like nothing happened.

 

But I have a decent outlet. Buddy of mine works for the K9 Unit at our local police department, so he suits up in the K9 Armor and lets me kick the *explitive* out of him for an hour or so. It's amazing how much calmer I am after taking a billy club to whom I imagine is the OM, to the point where I am exhausted.

 

Plenty of people have recommended that people suffering from the rage, post affair, should get involved with a physically aggressive activity.

 

Judo, Aikido, Karate, MMA. Anything that allows you to physically exert yourself over someone.

 

I've done therapy, I've done the meditation and whatnot. All nice stuff, but being able to unleash all my rage, anger and hurt onto my buddy (while he's looking like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man) is liberating.

[underwater2010]

And why? Why 9 months down the line do I feel so furious? It's exhausting and I have to try to suppress it as it's nothing but destructive. In the last few days there have been times when I want to hit him. I want to go and find her and scream in her face.

 

I won't. I am expressing it here.

 

I wish I would feel rage....right now it is just blah. I have the need to feel just as wanted as he made her feel. I wonder what the hell is wrong with me that I don't get that. Then I just get sad. I only feel this way when I am home with him. When I am working, I feel fine and excited to get home and I want to spend time with him. But on my days off I feel so let down.

 

I am sure it gets better. HUGS.

[waterwoman]

I wish I would feel rage....right now it is just blah. I have the need to feel just as wanted as he made her feel. I wonder what the hell is wrong with me that I don't get that. Then I just get sad. I only feel this way when I am home with him. When I am working, I feel fine and excited to get home and I want to spend time with him. But on my days off I feel so let down.

 

I am sure it gets better. HUGS.

 

 

Know that feeling It's such hard work now.

[Furious]

Did someone say FURIOUS.:laugh:

 

I cried buckets in the early months but then months later a fury hit me like I'd never felt before.

 

I walked for miles, I took up Karate and I was the only woman in my class, I'm petite and weigh only 100 pounds. The men in my class were afraid to hurt me but within a few month they were afraid I might hurt them.

 

I realized that my anger was not only at my husband it was at myself. I wanted to so badly follow my mind but my emotions wouldn't allow it. It's just so hard to deal with triggers and feel so vulnerable.

 

As much as therapy helps, the only thing that can't be rushed is time. It's so true that things will get better in time, and that you can't avoid pain but that you have to must go through it to get to the other side.

 

Hang in there WW, you're feeling what you feel and that's ok.

[2sure]

I think the rage is OK as part of the reconciliation process. I became indifferent. Which is the step that led to divorce.

[waterwoman]

Because the hurt was too bad in the beginning. Once the initial shock has worn off and the BS has time to think about what the WS did to them, it turns to anger.

 

Now with me it didn't take 9 months, just about 2 or 3 weeks. Once the smoke cleared and I was able to see her for what she was, rather than thinking I had to bend over backwards to keep such a woman, I became very angry and filed for divorce.

 

The reason you are angry now as opposed to then is you are thinking more clearly.

 

 

Yep! I think that is the case. I can see the enormity of what he has done because distance has made it possible. I was just looking at little bits of it before - the bits that were causing me particular problems at the time.

 

Thing is, I don't want to leave him, I genuinely don't. And we have both done so much to fix things. So I guess I'll just have to sit out the storm and hope it gets easier.

[Spark1111]

I am angry at so many things.

 

Angry at me - for thinking that marriage was a foundation, that it would be stable and reliable as a base for the rest of my life. It isn't, it's roots, it still needs water and food.

 

I am angry about my depression - it has made me a different woman to the one I was years ago. I don't have enough energy, I don't seem to find time to do the things that need to be done let alone the things I want to do.

 

I am angry at my mum who taught me first hand how to be an effing martyr! and to always put everyone and everything else first and never to demand or expect appreciation.

 

I am angry at OW for thinking her problems were so dreadful she needed my H to help her out rather than addressing them herself (hey, pot, kettle.... yes I know). That she can play the tragic lonely heroine while I am the cruel scary wife who put her foot down like a pantomime ugly sister.

 

I am angry at H for not telling me what he needed me to do. For not being a big enough man to help me when I so desperately needed him to. For not taking on my burdens when I was struggling under them - instead turning away and carrying OW's for her. For feeling so dreadful for her pain when mine was so clear to everyone else who knows me. For thinking that I didn't love him

because I was ILL and pre-occupied with trying to pull myself back into the light for the entire time of their affair.

 

I am angry at their stupid little affair because now I don't feel safe, I don't trust 100% like I did before. I feel like the default choice. I hate it that I don't really trust that I know what he is thinking anymore. I feel like if their love connection was so wonderful I must be such a clumsy great oaf for stamping all over it. I hate that whenever he is tired or stressed I no longer think 'poor H, he's having a bad time at work, how can I make him feel better?' I have to fight to stop myself thinkng 'Oh lord, he's acting like he did then, is he seeing again? what can I do to make him love me more?' Which is crap crap crap and so humiliating.

 

All of this is spite of 9 months, a great MC that really helped, a great IC that helped me and all the advice of LS <sigh>

 

 

Raaaaahhhhhhh!!!!

 

That's a bit better.

 

This is a great start!

 

If I wasn't so damn angry four years ago, I could have written this word for word.

 

But you have to start making changes for you and focusing on you. I am deadly serious here.

 

Your positive changes will positively change your marriage. No going back to what was. You have to forge new and that starts with a new you.

 

yep, some selfish, self-entitled self-focus.

 

That all sacrificing martyr, the wifey, was buried on DDay. Where did all that self-sacrifice get me? betrayed!

 

I needed to carve out periods of time for exercise, inspiration and encouragement and self-care. I handed many a responsibility over to him and announced what I needed to do for me. Imagine that?

 

Not only did he step up to the plate, he grew intrigued....and more than a little insecure....with the interesting woman I was becoming.

 

I say, go to the B n B and bring your favorite book and have a girlfriend or two meet you out.

 

Trust me, the family will survive without you. If you need more adventure in your life, create it, either with him, and at times, without.

[Jonah]

WaterWoman,

I've noticed that most of my anger stems from fear. My H was supposed to protect me. He didn't. That really scared me. I had been manipulated and lied to and became insecure.

Fear of;

exOW's aggressive behavior towards me. How far would this woman take things?

fear of the change in our relationship - Would we divorce/reconcile?

fear of the emotions that were now a part of my daily life - Could I handle them?

fear of not knowing what was real & true - Would I ever regain my footing?

fear of reconciation - Would it last/be real?

fear of my childrens' stability - Would they "know" what their dad did & would they be alright?

fear of Never getting past how they hurt me - Would I be able to move past H's A?

 

All of this made me very angry!

It raged w/in me for a looooong time.

Every now & again, I still want to pinch him really hard and it takes me a minute to even realize why.

 

But so far, I'm happy I let him come back to prove himself. He has spent these past years working hard on himself & me & our M.

I don't know if you'll end up where I am in three years (he** I don't know where I'll end up in five years), but know that what you're feeling is part in parcel of having been part of an A w/out your approval.

Hang in WW*

 

So if it is all fear, how then to absolve thyself of fear? Where does the fear come from? It is all in desire to have things "right" and "unchanging. Understand that everything can't be right and everything will eventually change. Nothing is permanent. You will lose it all. So it is in "craving". If you didn't crave those things you wouldn't have the fear of loosing them.

 

So there you go. Where does the rage originate from? Your own cravings, your desires. Without those you would not suffer.

[BetrayedH]

So if it is all fear, how then to absolve thyself of fear? Where does the fear come from? It is all in desire to have things "right" and "unchanging. Understand that everything can't be right and everything will eventually change. Nothing is permanent. You will lose it all. So it is in "craving". If you didn't crave those things you wouldn't have the fear of loosing them.

 

So there you go. Where does the rage originate from? Your own cravings, your desires. Without those you would not suffer.

 

So, the key is to not desire anything so that we don't fear losing it (or get angry when it's lost)?

 

Just trying to understand your mindset, Jonah. I have a hard time following you.

[HonestNeurotic]

Vent away. I know that for myself, when I am frustrated and angry, telling my story over and over again helps to dissipate the power of the emotion and allows me to see a better future. It may be in the form of writing on these bulletin boards, or to a trusted friend. I hope it does the same for you.

 

Feelings are never right or wrong. They just are. How you ACT upon them, is up to you. Ownership of what you feel is PROGRESS and growth in moving forward as a person.

 

I sincerely hope that you get to where it is you want to be.

[Jonah]

So, the key is to not desire anything so that we don't fear losing it (or get angry when it's lost)?

 

Just trying to understand your mindset, Jonah. I have a hard time following you.

 

Thank you for asking Mr. BetrayedH. I am honored. Would you agree with ComingInHot in that waterwomans rage comes from her fear? If so, would it be such a leap to understand that her fear is of loosing something she wants? For instance, "fear of reconciliation - Would it last/be real?" In this I think, the BS desires stability thus fears loosing it, which leads to the instinctive "rage".

 

So I think the answer to the question. "where does the rage come from?" is in CRAVING. ComingInHot got us halfway there with fear. So why take it the extra step?

 

waterwomans question is important here because it inquires of the root, thus hoping to be able to do something about it. Following it back only to fear isn't far enough as that would only lead to the marry-go-round of who made us fear and why. Taking it to the deeper step of craving... now we know where to go and luckily it is within someone we can hope to do something about!

 

Ok so we desire, of course we do! All creatures long for comfort and to be a little more ok. And there is nothing wrong with that... until it turns into "clinging". But that's another story.

 

The point is that if waterwoman, in the instant she is triggered went within to find the soft place inside, her "jewel", to get to know herself, she would save herself from the "storyline" that only leads to more suffering. It isn't easy to stay in the moment, and it does take bravery to look so deeply though all the muck that is within to get to know the jewel, but it is the most precious of all our possessions. Everything else is impermanent. waterwoman got a little taste of the power of impermanence in her emotional losses. Waterwoman lives long enough she will loose him again. She will loose her health, and though she may crave her youth, she will loose that too. But her value is of her real self within instead of her impermanent body, she will age gracefully.

 

Bottom line, when triggered, immediately recognize the pain originates from a craving within. So go within and get to know yourself. If you catch yourself in the storyline, just keep coming back to the moment and embrace the purity of the hurt that comes from within. Embrace it... really get to know it and be grateful for the opportunity to learn what it is to be alive!

 

You have already been doing much of this Mr. BetrayedH. For if you hadn't gotten to know a little bit about your soft spot, you wouldn't be here with a desire to help others with theirs. I think you got to know yours real well. Such a blessing to now know a little but about the precious soul. Aren't you glad that you are who you are today? Would you wish that you didn't have to suffer that bit of enlightenment? How then would you understand?

[BetrayedH]

Thank you for asking Mr. BetrayedH. I am honored. Would you agree with ComingInHot in that waterwomans rage comes from her fear? If so, would it be such a leap to understand that her fear is of loosing something she wants? For instance, "fear of reconciliation - Would it last/be real?" In this I think, the BS desires stability thus fears loosing it, which leads to the instinctive "rage".

 

So I think the answer to the question. "where does the rage come from?" is in CRAVING. ComingInHot got us halfway there with fear. So why take it the extra step?

 

waterwomans question is important here because it inquires of the root, thus hoping to be able to do something about it. Following it back only to fear isn't far enough as that would only lead to the marry-go-round of who made us fear and why. Taking it to the deeper step of craving... now we know where to go and luckily it is within someone we can hope to do something about!

 

Ok so we desire, of course we do! All creatures long for comfort and to be a little more ok. And there is nothing wrong with that... until it turns into "clinging". But that's another story.

 

The point is that if waterwoman, in the instant she is triggered went within to find the soft place inside, her "jewel", to get to know herself, she would save herself from the "storyline" that only leads to more suffering. It isn't easy to stay in the moment, and it does take bravery to look so deeply though all the muck that is within to get to know the jewel, but it is the most precious of all our possessions. Everything else is impermanent. waterwoman got a little taste of the power of impermanence in her emotional losses. Waterwoman lives long enough she will loose him again. She will loose her health, and though she may crave her youth, she will loose that too. But her value is of her real self within instead of her impermanent body, she will age gracefully.

 

Bottom line, when triggered, immediately recognize the pain originates from a craving within. So go within and get to know yourself. If you catch yourself in the storyline, just keep coming back to the moment and embrace the purity of the hurt that comes from within. Embrace it... really get to know it and be grateful for the opportunity to learn what it is to be alive!

 

You have already been doing much of this Mr. BetrayedH. For if you hadn't gotten to know a little bit about your soft spot, you wouldn't be here with a desire to help others with theirs. I think you got to know yours real well. Such a blessing to now know a little but about the precious soul. Aren't you glad that you are who you are today? Would you wish that you didn't have to suffer that bit of enlightenment? How then would you understand?

 

Much appreciated, Jonah.

 

To answer your initial question, I think most agree that anger is typically a secondary emotion (sometimes there are exceptions) that reflects the more primary emotion of fear. And so I believe I agree with CIH's initial assertion that WW should analyze her fears.

 

I find it interesting that you have taken the analysis a step further to say that we wouldn't fear much of anything if we were fully content with ourselves and needed nothing more (forgive the clumsy and ineloquent paraphrase).

 

I've often felt that part of the real reason for my wife's affair was that nothing was ever enough. There was an endless pursuit of more stuff, more international vacations, a more impressive home, a more perfect husband, blah, blah, blah. I rather fancy the idea of embracing just the opposite.

 

I also appreciate having a new concept to chew upon.

 

Kind regards.

[jnel921]

WW, I am 9 mos out too. I know its tough but you need to handle your anger. It took a lot of IC after my 1st marriage/divorce and infidelity to deal with with it. It may take some years.

 

Just remember the A was not about you. Your H stayed with you. That should mean something. I hope you both are doing the work. If it is too one sided I can see you feeling this way.

 

My H and I have our moments but I know in my heart we will work through this. I am 100X the woman that whore could ever wish to be. She did me a favor, my M is back on track and she is out on the curb where she should be.

[jnel921]

Jonah, BetrayedH,

 

I believe her anger comes from ego. When our WS do this to us we immediately feel and say how can this person do this to me.

 

Once you let go of your ego, it doesn't matter. The rage will be an anger void of wanting to hurt or kill.

[Jonah]

Much appreciated, Jonah.

 

To answer your initial question, I think most agree that anger is typically a secondary emotion (sometimes there are exceptions) that reflects the more primary emotion of fear. And so I believe I agree with CIH's initial assertion that WW should analyze her fears.

 

I find it interesting that you have taken the analysis a step further to say that we wouldn't fear much of anything if we were fully content with ourselves and needed nothing more (forgive the clumsy and ineloquent paraphrase).

 

I've often felt that part of the real reason for my wife's affair was that nothing was ever enough. There was an endless pursuit of more stuff, more international vacations, a more impressive home, a more perfect husband, blah, blah, blah. I rather fancy the idea of embracing just the opposite.

 

I also appreciate having a new concept to chew upon.

 

Kind regards.

 

Cool, thanks BetrayedH.

That's a good call with your W. The term is "poverty mind". Starving for more... elusive contentment. Genuine fear of missing out on the feast of life, forever craving. Reading your posts, the significant emotional events changed her some and she found some of her own enlightenment. Her pain discovered in the fear of loosing you... the loss of your respect, the loss of the purity of your love. May the shared reality of this suffering bring a greater understanding and bonding to your marriage.