just found out about my wife's infidelity

[swimguy]

Hello there,

 

I thought I was quite a happily married man until a few days ago. I have been married for 3 years and together for 10. Quite by accident I just found out that my wife has had an affair. I'm having a very hard time trying to articulate my thoughts and feelings, but without a doubt I can say this - I have never, NEVER felt this shocked, hurt, miserable, and betrayed in my life. I am so hurt I don't know what to do.

 

A few days ago while at home alone I had a phone call from work and I really needed a piece of paper to write down some information. Since I was in our bedroom at the time and saw that there was a ringed pad of paper that my wife has been using to keep what I thought was food/diet journal on her night table, I grabbed it. Upon opening it I briefly scanned something that didn't look right. It was a reference to missing someone...and asking herself if she loved "him". Immediately I began to feel something weird about this...then I read a bit more and felt panic and sickness. There were multiple references to this guy. About texting back and forth, about missing him, and 1 reference to him having been here. There is also a note about him sleeping with my wife's yoga instructor and how she felt weird and uncomfortable about that. I should point out that there are also references to me as well, all positive except for one instance, and not really bad at that. He and I are both marked by a circled initial.

 

Needless to say I couldn't go to work that day (this past Monday) or any other day this week. I didn't know what to do. I stayed home and waited for her to get home from school - she's an electrician working in a family business upgrading to her next level. When she got home she was as sweet to me as she normally always is, but she could tell something was wrong with me. I confronted her directly and asked her what was going on with this guy - I know who it is because it's her co-worker that I have met, and get this - HE WORKS FOR HER FATHER. I am so humiliated. She came clean right there and admitted to an affair, and she said it's been over for awhile. The journal entries mostly seem to substantiate this.

 

Over the last few days, I have not been at home much. I have been with 2 of my closest friends (both of whom have been in relationships with infidelity on both sides). I have broken down to and in front of them and my parents. I cannot express enough just how much I value their support. I am in a very, very dark place. How could this happen to me? What is happening?? It's all very surreal. I have also come home a few times to talk, yell, cry, and generally lose it with my wife. I have expressed (as well as possible right now) how this makes me feel and what I think.

 

Is it normal to feel all this confusion? On one hand I am so hurt to the core I cannot describe the pain, and on the other I still love her. She has been telling me that she loves me so much and wants and needs me. She wants to make things right and earn my trust back. She wants to rebuild. She does not want to throw away our life together.

 

Today is the first time I tried to talk rationally, as in asking about why she did it and what was wrong with our relationship. I also told her that if she truly cared about me and wanted to start to make things right, she had to accept responsibility and face consequences of what she's done. That guy has to be COMPLETELY extricated from our lives. He needs to quit working for her father and she needs to come clean with them too. I ask everyone who cares to read this - are both those things wrong? I feel like we've ALL been betrayed. Me, her, and our family. My parents are both shocked and devastated like me, and know hers will be too - if/when she tells them.

 

I am going to see a counselor early next week and picked up a book called "Infidelity a survivor's guide" based on one of my aforementioned friend's recommendation.

 

Please, I am truly asking for any help or discussion. I don't know what to do.

 

SG

Edited April 19, 2013 by swimguy

[2.50 a gallon]

sg

 

Sorry you are here. First off let me say, I too share your pain. Thirty years ago on our 6 month anniversary I caught my Ex kissing a guard where she worked.

 

I was never so angry in my life, I was totally red hot. Had there not been a chain link fence topped with razor wire, my life would have been different as I am sure I would have ended up in the slammer. Thirty years later I still fell the heat as it scared me so bad that I was determined to never love and marry again.

 

I called her every name in the book, plus a chapter never used before and told her is was unsafe for her to come home. Though I loved her with all my heart, there was no way I could stay married to her. Even though she wanted to reconcile.

 

You are right in asking for NC (no-contact), and it must be for life.

[trinat]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]The confusion you arefeeling is totally normal (been there). Hope your friends are listening to you,not giving you some advice what to do.... it is too soon. You sound like youlove your wife and...and no one is happily married till the affair comes out...there is always something... [/FONT][/sIZE]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I would say work thisthrough with our wife unless the infidelity brings out such negative feelings asdescribed in previous post by '...gallon'. You will have issues with trust, she has to come clean , stop seeing this guy at work. But be prepared to experience your second honey moon with your wife, andthen, if problems are not sorted out during these sweet new moments, another breakupwill be your last (happened to me). wish you all the best[/FONT][/sIZE]

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[Mint Sauce]

your two requests are entirely reasonable. If she genuinely wants to save your marriage, she should agree. If your father-in-law is an honorable man, I think her co-worker/affair partner (AP) is facing quite a difficult confrontation, to say the least.

 

Take your time to breath, don't forget to look after your health. It is massively painful, but not the end of the world, even if it feels like it is. You will come out of this stronger, as a man, or as a couple, whichever is best for your future.

[swimguy]

Do I need to tell my father in law, or does she?I feel like that if she doesn't soon...I will. I can't stand the fact that this guy is getting a free pass right now! Both he and my wife have caused such damage, so why is he the only one who is not hurt??

[Mint Sauce]

if somewhere in your heart, you see reconciliation as an option, I'd give her a day to tell her parents. You telling them would be "fighting mode", which is understandable, but not constructive.

[swimguy]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

 

In regards to that post from animal lover, I don't know at this point if she is prepared to do any "heavy lifting"...meaning that for whatever reason I feel (which I honestly can't quite put into words), I need my wife to tell her family what has happened. In my mind, this is the only way to start repairing any of the damage and show some remorse or shame.

 

Is that wrong? Maybe someone can better put that feeling into words, because I can't seem to focus my thoughts enough to express it correctly.

[96nole]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

 

In regards to that post from animal lover, I don't know at this point if she is prepared to do any "heavy lifting"...meaning that for whatever reason I feel (which I honestly can't quite put into words), I need my wife to tell her family what has happened. In my mind, this is the only way to start repairing any of the damage and show some remorse or shame.

 

Is that wrong? Maybe someone can better put that feeling into words, because I can't seem to focus my thoughts enough to express it correctly.

No. It is not wrong.

 

What you are feeling is very normal. Your demands are not out of bounds. Tell her to tell her parents by the end of the day or you will.

 

There is no way she can continue to work with him. Either he leaves the job or she does. She cannot contact him again. If she does, marriage is over. That simple.

 

She has to be completely transparent. She gives you all passwords to email, facebook, phone, etc. A person with nothing to hide is hiding nothing. If she doesn't want to do that, marriage is over.

 

If she is not prepared to do the heavy lifting, marriage is over.

 

I understand the pain you feel. You do not need to make any major decisions right now.

[wifehurtheart]

No. It is not wrong.

 

What you are feeling is very normal. Your demands are not out of bounds. Tell her to tell her parents by the end of the day or you will.

 

There is no way she can continue to work with him. Either he leaves the job or she does. She cannot contact him again. If she does, marriage is over. That simple.

 

She has to be completely transparent. She gives you all passwords to email, facebook, phone, etc. A person with nothing to hide is hiding nothing. If she doesn't want to do that, marriage is over.

 

If she is not prepared to do the heavy lifting, marriage is over.

 

I understand the pain you feel. You do not need to make any major decisions right now.

 

I second all of the above. My wife's parents had both passed away when she confessed her betrayal, but I insisted that she tell her sister, who had gotten the two of us together and who thought (and still thinks) the world of me. My wife knew her sister would be extremely upset (which she was), but she did tell her.

 

I don't think your request that she tell her parents is unreasonable at all. As 96nole suggested above, if she's not willing to do that kind of heavy lifting you don't have a marriage to save.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

 

In regards to that post from animal lover, I don't know at this point if she is prepared to do any "heavy lifting"...meaning that for whatever reason I feel (which I honestly can't quite put into words), I need my wife to tell her family what has happened. In my mind, this is the only way to start repairing any of the damage and show some remorse or shame.

 

Is that wrong? Maybe someone can better put that feeling into words, because I can't seem to focus my thoughts enough to express it correctly.

 

This OM works for your father in law, so yes - Do tell her parents, her dad especially, what has happened.

 

Until your wife shows you real remorse and is ready to own her choice in cheating on you, and can fully admit and come clean about everything, no point in trying to fix anything. She needs to fix herself, something is broken inside of her. You did nothing wrong - This is all on her! IF she was unhappy in the marriage, she could have spoken to you.

 

Sorry for your pain.

[SmokeRat]

My heart goes out to you brother, it really does.

 

No one, and I mean that in the most strict sense, deserves what has been forced upon you.

 

I'm sorry to tell you this, but she's already thrown both of your lives away. She's signed out of the relationship.

 

Do not wait for her to tell her family, you do that.

 

Bring down every conceivable form of retribution on her. Make her know and see the hurt you are feeling. Shame is a very powerful way to make her look on herself, and the person she's become.

 

Do not allow yourself to be a safety net as well, as that's what I became after I first discovered my wife's ongoing affair. She acted just as your wife is doing right now, wanting to work on things, while just taking her affair deeper underground.

[Bryanp]

I am really sorry for you. Did you say that the OM actually came to your home and had sex with her in your home? If this is the case then this should be a deal-breaker for you since this is the ultimate in disrespect and humiliation to a spouse.

 

You both need to get tested for STD's.

If the OM is married or has a girlfriend then you need to expose this to them.

 

If the other woman she stated had sex with this guy and is married then her husband should be told also.

 

How many times did she have sex with him? It seems that you are a really nice guy. Is it possible that she betrayed and humiliated you in such a horrible way because she knew that if she did get caught you would immediately forgive her anyway so she really had nothing to lose? If the roles were reversed would she have been so accepting and forgiving as you.

I am sorry but it seems like she has been playing you just for the fun of it and has not appreciated you as a man or a husband. Get tested for STD's since this guy is a player. You should tell her family since she will put a positive spin on it if she does it. Good luck.

[carhill]

My sympathies.

 

If you're going to 'tell' FIL, my advice would be to show him the evidence. Blood is strong. Evidence augments hearsay and opinion. In fact, I'd let the evidence do most of the talking.

 

Counseling should help sort through emotions. Whatever comes next will be completely new. Best wishes.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Such a horrible situation, sorry you are here . You are perfectly normal. A "Rollercaoster" of emotions is normal, ups and downs. Confusion is normal. Take it slow. Yes this guy should never be seen again. You deserve that peace of mind. If he contacts her, she should tell you immediately, not keep it a secret. Watch for more lies, minimizing, etc. That's really common. Keep the journal.

Marriage counseling(MC) is also good in adition to IC(individual). Do you have kids?

[Jenn.Smith]

Don't listen to anyone who is tellin you it is over. They are speaking from their own hurt feelings (and yes ego). Only you will know if it is over. The advice on watching her actions and seein if she follows through is great. And yes it is normal to be confused, hurt, angry and still in love. If you weren't then something would be wrong with you!!!

 

As to telling. I had an aunt cheat and everyone was told. Her husband made her. I thought it was cruel and vindictive and not constructive at all yet that is me and i am a private person. I wouldnt want people to know my husband cheated outside of maybe close close friends and family. Unless the marriage was over. But in the case of this guy working for fil id say she should tell. He needs to be gone because otherwise he will be an ever present thorn!

 

This is just all my observations. In the end it is up to you. And the fact that the affair was already over is a good sign. And her not telling is not bad either in light of the fact she ended it. It meant she was carrying around a lot of guilt in order to stay with you. Not in order to keep on in the affair.

[Jonah]

Don't listen to anyone who is tellin you it is over. They are speaking from their own hurt feelings (and yes ego). Only you will know if it is over. The advice on watching her actions and seein if she follows through is great. And yes it is normal to be confused, hurt, angry and still in love. If you weren't then something would be wrong with you!!!

 

As to telling. I had an aunt cheat and everyone was told. Her husband made her. I thought it was cruel and vindictive and not constructive at all yet that is me and i am a private person. I wouldnt want people to know my husband cheated outside of maybe close close friends and family. Unless the marriage was over. But in the case of this guy working for fil id say she should tell. He needs to be gone because otherwise he will be an ever present thorn!

 

This is just all my observations. In the end it is up to you. And the fact that the affair was already over is a good sign. And her not telling is not bad either in light of the fact she ended it. It meant she was carrying around a lot of guilt in order to stay with you. Not in order to keep on in the affair.

 

Jenn's comments are accurate. Vindictiveness is always counter-productive in that it weighs you down and acts as a wedge between spouses in healing. All a bunch of blabbing will do is create a whirlwind of gossip. It is totally unnecessary. The OM in this case - you are right he should go.

[swimguy]

To everyone that has posted here, whatever your opinions are, please understand that I'm grateful for the help, advice, and support. I really mean it. I'm barely holding it together.

 

This is not about vindictiveness, it's about the truth. Telling the situation to my parent in-laws, part of OUR family, is in my mind what needs to be done in order for me to start any kind of healing. I believe that the secret is like a sliver, and it will continue to be a problem and get much worse if it not exposed and ripped out. I also believe that all the cards need to be laid on the table and she needs to take responsibility for her actions. Her actions that have hurt us all. If she's truly remorseful, cares for me, and wants to do ANY kind of repair she needs to do and face up to this. I cannot see that as being wrong!

 

Speaking of which, I received texts from her saying she's going directly to her parents after school to tell them. I know she's sick with worry, but there are consequences to her choices...and they affect the whole family.

 

Someone had asked about kids, and no we do not have any.

[2sure]

I think that her telling her parents herself is a big step in a positive direction.

Even if she did it just because she knew would. By telling them alone, without you by her side, it shows she is willing to try to fix this mess.

 

Your wanting her to reveal her actions to those close to you both , and to immediately stop working with the other man...is not only normal, it's expected if one has a chance of healthy reconciliation.

[drifter777]

You have no idea how long, hard, and painful reconcilitation with a cheating wife actually is. Since you don't have kids I don't know why you would want to put yourself through such torture. You should strongly consider ending your marriage now and starting you life over. From all the posters on LS who chose divorce, very few of them ever regret it.

[wifehurtheart]

Her actions over the next few days should begin to show you what you need to know. If she goes through with telling her parents, immediately goes totally NC with the OM, and genuinely wants to know what you need her to do in order to try to repair your marriage, you may have a chance at working through this if that is what you decide you want. She has given you enough to do just by forcing you to deal with the shock, pain and anger you are having to deal with as the result of her decisions and actions.

 

You see the term "heavy lifting" a lot in these threads, but it is a totally appropriate phrase to use in describing what the BS needs to see and hear from the WS if there is to be any chance at all of R.

[troubadour]

To everyone that has posted here, whatever your opinions are, please understand that I'm grateful for the help, advice, and support. I really mean it. I'm barely holding it together.

 

This is not about vindictiveness, it's about the truth. Telling the situation to my parent in-laws, part of OUR family, is in my mind what needs to be done in order for me to start any kind of healing. I believe that the secret is like a sliver, and it will continue to be a problem and get much worse if it not exposed and ripped out. I also believe that all the cards need to be laid on the table and she needs to take responsibility for her actions. Her actions that have hurt us all. If she's truly remorseful, cares for me, and wants to do ANY kind of repair she needs to do and face up to this. I cannot see that as being wrong!

 

Speaking of which, I received texts from her saying she's going directly to her parents after school to tell them. I know she's sick with worry, but there are consequences to her choices...and they affect the whole family.

 

Someone had asked about kids, and no we do not have any.

 

 

You are NOT being vindictive. Not at all. Please don't take it in any wrong way but I think you are the opposite.... too soft.

 

It takes quite an attitude to screw boss's daughter. You met the guy but it didn't stop him from going to your house to screw your wife (of course I am assuming that it actually happend). He also screws the yoga instructor. The guy is clearly a playa and your wife knows that and campars both of you.... women always do. Don't do anything stupid but you may need to man up your game a bit.

 

What was the reason for the affair to end? Did your wife end it because she didn't want it anymore? Or did it end because he wasnen't interested in continuing it anymore?

 

Regardless of what happens.... don't do anything stupid. You don't have children with her so you can always walk away.

[Darth Vader]

To everyone that has posted here, whatever your opinions are, please understand that I'm grateful for the help, advice, and support. I really mean it. I'm barely holding it together.

 

This is not about vindictiveness, it's about the truth. Telling the situation to my parent in-laws, part of OUR family, is in my mind what needs to be done in order for me to start any kind of healing. I believe that the secret is like a sliver, and it will continue to be a problem and get much worse if it not exposed and ripped out. I also believe that all the cards need to be laid on the table and she needs to take responsibility for her actions. Her actions that have hurt us all. If she's truly remorseful, cares for me, and wants to do ANY kind of repair she needs to do and face up to this. I cannot see that as being wrong!

 

Speaking of which, I received texts from her saying she's going directly to her parents after school to tell them. I know she's sick with worry, but there are consequences to her choices...and they affect the whole family.

 

Someone had asked about kids, and no we do not have any.

 

No children? Good! Drop her ass!