confused4321 Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 I am about 3 months out from D-day and I am wondering what details I should ask for. Part of me wants every last detail, so I know that there is no more secrets between them. As a BS, what details did you have to know in order to move forward? I know they say once you here them they can never be unheard, but can they really be worse then what I already have in my head? Any thoughts would be appreciated.
AnotherRound Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 I didn't want any details! Okay, let me take that back - I did WANT them - but I didn't... If the details are important to you in order to set something straight (verify something?) then I would say ask for them - although they may be unpleasant for you to hear about. Some claim that you need to know everything to move forward - I don't agree with that. I think that it could do more damage than help - depending on what type of details are revealed. What type of details do you think you want or need? Are you and your spouse attempting to reconcile? I think too that you should be prepared to hear something that may be a dealbreaker for you even if you have decided to reconcile. 2
wifehurtheart Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 (edited) I am about 3 months out from D-day and I am wondering what details I should ask for. Part of me wants every last detail, so I know that there is no more secrets between them. As a BS, what details did you have to know in order to move forward? I know they say once you here them they can never be unheard, but can they really be worse then what I already have in my head? Any thoughts would be appreciated. IMO it seems that BS's who decide to throw in the towel and divorce after D-day are less interested in learning details than they are in getting the WS out of their lives as soon as possible. My WW and I decided to get counseling and try to reconcile, and it was important to me to know as much as possible about every aspect of her betrayal....what they talked about, where they went, what they did in bed, and anything else I could think of to ask. She was brutally honest and detailed in her answers. It was very painful for her to answer many of my questions and very painful for me to hear those answers but I truly believe, at least in my own case, that her willingness to admit to the most graphic details helped strengthen my belief in her answers and in her willingness to do the heavy lifting necessary on her part in our efforts to reconcile. I think that in your case that if you believe you have a question you should ask it. I felt that, as you stated in the sentence I highlighted above, the answers couldn't be any worse that the thoughts you have in your head. Once you've been mowed down by the tornado that hits you when you learn about the betrayal, what else can be said that's going to hurt you even more? As I said to my WW on D-day, 'the cat is already out of the bag.....I need to know everything about what happened while the cat was in the bag'. Your BS owes you an honest answer to any question you feel the need to ask. Edited April 19, 2013 by wifehurtheart 3
Spark1111 Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 I am about 3 months out from D-day and I am wondering what details I should ask for. Part of me wants every last detail, so I know that there is no more secrets between them. As a BS, what details did you have to know in order to move forward? I know they say once you here them they can never be unheard, but can they really be worse then what I already have in my head? Any thoughts would be appreciated. Well, I needed to know everything to reconcile, but that is me. The LIES bothered me more than the affair, and six months into reconciliation (after I had put him out of the house for 4 months)......he told the stupidest lie over a trivial detail...and I almost divorced him over it. It wasn't the details so much, but his willingness to be honest that mattered to me. And like you, my imagination was far, far more inventive than the reality of my H's affair. 4
Sadwife37 Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 I needed to know every last detail. We have R and are both trying to recover and save our marriage. The details were horribly painful to hear but I knew I would never be satisfied without knowing as much as I possibly could about the A and every aspect of it. It was also important for my H and I to have that level of communication. It was horrible for him to have to discuss every aspect in detail with me but he did it. He was open and honest and told me things that he knew would break my heart. He was remorseful and ashamed and horified at what he had done and how he had treated me. The months of talking it all through and sorting it out in my head we're so emotional and unbelievably painful but I believe that process helped us get where we are today. My questions are very infrequent today and i believe i have a good understanding of what the A really was. We certainly aren't perfect and totally healed but we are working on it.
drifter777 Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 You seem to understand that once you hear the details you cannot "unhear" them. With that, you are entitled to the truth about whatever you want to know. Every detail you think is important to you is just that - important to you. 3
ladydesigner Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 I absolutely needed details and when he wouldn't provide them I found them somehow. My WH looks like a huge ass because his story was no where near the REAL story:mad: Now I get the details with no problem 1
Author confused4321 Posted April 19, 2013 Author Posted April 19, 2013 Thanks everyone for your feedback. I just wanted to know that wanting to know every detail was not unreasonable and you help clarify that for me. I think for me I really do need every detail to move past this, but I think I will take it one day at a time because I know they may get a little overwhelming. I can't imagine anything that he could possibly tell me now could hurt me any worse. It's all the not knowing this or that that is killing me. I just hope that eventually he will come around to understand how important it is to give these to me. 3
seren Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 I wanted every detail I wanted, I got every detail and at times it hurt and others just made me realise that the A was so not how I imagined it to be. I always imagined that most A's were about love, intimate moments, dinners, presents, and all that H and I had when we were courting, but with the added frisson of secrecy. What I learned was that it wasn't like any of that and a part of me hurt to think that he would risk all that was us for what the A had been about. It helped me to put it into perspective, not to deny the betrayal, nor excuse the A generally. Just to understand the mechanics of it. Some want to know, others not so and the mind pictures can be awful. It depends on what you can face. 1
BryanP37 Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 I'm probably not qualified yet to comment as I'm not quite 4 weeks from discovery and 11 days from confrontation. I managed to catch my WS sort of red handed. I wanted to know everything. Yes, it did drive me nuts when I got details once I confronted my WS, but it helped me make a fast decision of where the marriage needed to go, which is to the deep six. She backed off after my reaction frightened her, but I heard enough to know I had to send her packing. Trickle truth would have been far more damaging. Reality in my case was somewhat in line with my imagination.
2sure Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 My XWS didnt ever come clean with mamy of the details I wanted to have. In fact, he would make up false "details" to make it seem like we were having a "real" conversation. And the false "details" would be intricate and painful to me - like the real ones, but he had an inability to tell the truth . Finding and getting the details myself became important to me for a few reasons. Like anyone -I wanted to KNOW. So that I could somehow decipher and determine - something, who knows what really. Often, the details of the affair have even less meaning than the affair itself. You want them to be important because you want your spouse to have not done this to you for something Unimportant. Having & Obtaining the Details - brought me into the picture. It felt to me, like having them brought me INTO what was happening behind my back. Having them enabled me to not be in the dark, to be a participant in my life's decisions. Having the details of WS's Behavior and that of some of the OW - took away the Power of the Secret. The details did not make the Infidelity harder to deal with. If a BS wants details, and a WS claims that they dont remember or dont know , its a continuation of being selfish at your expense, of having no integrity, and of underestimating you. 1
Decorative Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Well, I needed to know everything to reconcile, but that is me. The LIES bothered me more than the affair, and six months into reconciliation (after I had put him out of the house for 4 months)......he told the stupidest lie over a trivial detail...and I almost divorced him over it. It wasn't the details so much, but his willingness to be honest that mattered to me. And like you, my imagination was far, far more inventive than the reality of my H's affair. This is where I live. I had to have details. My imagination far outpaced their reality. 2
ladydesigner Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Having the details of WS's Behavior and that of some of the OW - took away the Power of the Secret. This is exactly it. When I uncovered all of the deleted texts from my WH's phone he could no longer deny the facts and there was no more secret. It also made the A look really ugly and disgusting both to me and to him. The A was no longer this all powerful thing and it became shameful to him. I believe it was when I had all the details that I started to see my WH change and go back to the man he was before the A. Even to this day I ask questions and there are times he has answered honestly and others I think to either protect himself from looking bad or to protect me from feeling bad. One or the other.
Snowflower Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Having the details of WS's Behavior and that of some of the OW - took away the Power of the Secret. In a nutshell^^^ If there are things the BS isn't told then there are still some secrets between the MP and the AP. The BS is STILL out of the equation then...just like they were during the affair. Finding out the details is painful but needs to be done, IMO. 2Sure, I love your signature. It makes me laugh every time I read it! 4
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