Scared for myself

[ab5]

I posted my story on another thread but in a nutshell - me and my ex fiance broke up last summer because we were both under too much stress and pressure with work, school, families, and wedding arrangements. We couldn't handle things maturely and our relationship just abruptly ended.

 

I tried to reconnect with him because I do love him, but he had ignored all attempts that time, then coldly told me he had no more time for me. I then went into a deep depression and had very very slowly started making progress, also realizing my mistakes in the relationship and how I could have handled things differently. But recently it seems like I'm going downhill again.

 

I recently went out to what was supposed to be a nice dinner with my family. Everything was initially fine, I was enjoying myself, but then suddenly I spaced out and then just started crying. The restaurant we went to, was the same place my ex had given me my engagement ring and all the memories came back. I really tried my hardest to be brave and not think about it, but couldn't help it. It was so embarrassing and then my family got mad at me because they've lost their patience with me and my depression, and I don't blame them at all.

 

I'm scared because before him, I was such a happy and cheerful person. Nothing bothered or depressed me. I was so optimistic and positive. People would actually come to me if they needed cheering up/advice. I think that's one of my qualities that my ex fell in love with - he used to call me his cheerleader. But now I feel the completely opposite. I feel like I have a black cloud over me all the time and I'm depressing my family which is making me feel worse.

 

I know I probably need therapy but I can't seek help because of the nature of my profession which is all the more frustrating. And it's hard to distract myself with fun stuff because I'm working and studying around the clock.

 

I'm scared I'll never come out of this and that the old me is gone. When will I stop thinking about my ex - it's so frustrating to start crying when I hear a song of ours on the radio, or a movie that we saw together playing on the tv, or driving by the park we walked through etc etc. I just want to get out of this nightmare. I miss my ex so much and it's hard to let him and the memories go.

 

I think as more time is passing since the break up, the more I'm starting to realize he really isn't coming back as he never contacted me and I think that realization is worsening things. I've had so many urges to contact him but have been able to stop myself so far. Hate feeling like this and it seems like there's no hope of things getting better b/c it's been so long already...

Edited April 19, 2013 by ab5

[Bigcitydreamer]

Hey, sorry you are going through a difficult time. Breakups truly take the good right out of you. How long have you been broke up for? I find it takes about 2-3 months for me to get back on my feet not to say that I don't miss the ex's at that point. But it gets easier each day.. The realization that they aren't coming back is without a doubt the hardest but even the most analytical dramatic human being on this planet (me) can only dwell on things and feel sad for so long. Eventually you just pick yourself up and stop feeling so sad. You start to feel happy with little things just like you use to. It's unbearably hard breaking up with someone, the feeling is just so sad and it lifts.

 

I find the most helpful thing is to do little things that you enjoy. When I thought about my ex after about 1.5 weeks in bed, I'd get up and do something simple like go to the tanning salon, run out for a coffee, paint my nails. Just did something after I was finished crying for a solid half an hour. Also I truly believe that planning a major change is helpful too. Get a better career, change your hair colour, move, plan a crazy vacation.. Those things seem to help because it gives you something big to focus on.

[CompleteFailure]

I'm so sorry about what you're going through. I never thought a breakup would be one of the worst feelings I'd ever have to experience until it happened. The old you is still inside you, the trauma is what's keeping it from getting out.

 

I think the only options we have in our cases is time. Eventually once we start to get over things and move forward, find new joys and love in our lives we'll start seeing our true selves again.

[ab5]

Thanks Bigcitydreamer for your response. I really pray that day comes soon where I just stop feeling depressed. It's been 8 months since we broke up. I was improving back in Jan/Feb, and was actually doing some of the things you mentioned, but then since last month, I've been falling back into the hole and am having difficulty getting out. I have so many regrets from the relationship which are eating me up inside, although my family feels I'm taking too much of the blame. Maybe my judgment is clouded right now and that's why I'm taking the blame for everything. I don't know at this point as my emotions are all over the place.

 

My career is actually the one thing that is keeping me sane. I love what I do and have big plans for the future which I hope to accomplish and I think this breakup has made me more determined to reach my goals. I just hope this depression doesn't consume me before I get there.

[ab5]

Thanks CompleteFailure. I wish time would move faster so I can get through this faster. This breakup is definitely the worst thing I've experienced in my life. Our breakup happened shortly before we were supposed to get married and I even got my wedding dress, altered, ready to go, looking forward to spending the rest of my life with him. And it hurts so much that he didn't love me enough to reply whenever I reached out to him, or even reach out himself since we broke up. The way we ended was on the phone and it wasn't even an official breakup. We were both so emotional that time and things just got out of control on the phone. I didn't think it was the end...

 

All the memories of us just keep circling through my head and won't stop. I really really hope time makes me stop loving him and makes the memories go away because I won't be able to handle it much longer...

Edited April 19, 2013 by ab5

[CompleteFailure]

Please keep posting if you need support or just to vent/rant. It really does help to let things out even if its over the internet. There are lots of people on here with much more experience in these sorts of things than either of us and they generally give great advice and coping strategies.

 

I know all this can sound really stupid coming from strangers but I'd like to think we all kind of know each other because we all know the same kind of pain. If that's true, than the truth is that there's also happiness at the end of our journey because so many out there have made it already.

[misswillow]

ab5,

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but you are not alone. My breakup has not been for as long, but I can really understand how you feel. It's completely understandable that you would have such a negative reaction to being in the restaurant where you got engaged, no matter how long ago it was! I think people who are not going through such a depression cannot really understand the feelings, only those who are feeling it at the moment (like us on LS) can really empathize. I went out to dinner with a friend last week and I was painfully miserable, and almost had a panic attack, just being at dinner with someone other than my ex. And it wasn't even a restaurant we had ever been to before!

 

I'm not sure what advice to offer, I just wanted you to know that there are others that understand your pain. I feel like I am going through the motions of my life right now, but it is all meaningless and tiring. I don't know if this feeling will ever go away. But I think the fact that you did start to feel better earlier this year is a positive sign...from what people say, healing is up and down, not linear. So focus on the career that you love and know that there are people here for support.

[BUBS]

I'm very sorry for the pain and loss you are dealing with. I understand what you are going through. My fiance and I broke up 6 months ago officially and about 7 was when things went south. I relate a lot to all of the feelings you are going through. I have hit patches of feeling like I was doing "ok" but for the most part there is a whole lot of missing, regret and pain that I feel I haven't completely come to terms with. Like you I seem to struggle more as time goes on and I realize he isn't coming back. It's difficult in any relationship when you don't want something to end, but it adds quite a sting when a wedding was being planned... when promises like that were made just to be broken.

 

I used to be a really positive person and I radiated a childlike enthusiasm while still maintaining a well put together maturity in my life... since he left I have been beyond depressed, bitter, and even cynical. I have considered therapy but for my field of study it could hinder me in the future as well. I wish I could give you advice... I've tried everything on these boards and many other things in the mania that is getting over a broken heart. I've worked out, taken natural mood enhancing supplements, I've created a strict routine to replace my old one with him, I've gone out and socialized... anything I can do... but I don't think there is much of a remedy other than time, apparently a hell of a lot more time than I assumed it would take to feel somewhat human again consistently. My friends and family are sick of my depression and mood swings as well. Personally, I'm sick of it too.

 

Rest assured 8 months is not a super long time to still be feeling this way. You were planning a serious future with this man, and you have a lot of things to cope with, not just simply the loss of him, but the loss of a future you fully intended on having, the fear of what to do to fulfill yourself without him, and if its even possible... the rejection and pain that comes with not feeling valued, and also feeling betrayed or easily thrown away. Some people get over things quickly, and others over analyze and tend to make it worse by remembering all of the good things their significant other brought to the table, and remembering all of the bad things you brought to the table. Keep your head up and know that it will pass one of these days.

[ab5]

Thanks misswillow. I understand the feeling of having a panic attack. I used to get them daily right after the breakup for weeks and weeks. Now I'll get it every now and then but it'll just happen suddenly. It's difficult to feel this way when you're trying to move on and enjoy company of friends/family.

 

Just like you, I also feel like I'm going through the motions of life. Actually I feel like a robot, just doing things out of routine and doing it to get them done. I really hate living like this. The joy in living seems gone. Silly little things used to make me so happy and now I can't find happiness in anything. All I do is yearn for my ex and I guess I'm still in shock of how he could easily dispose of me without even trying to sort things out face to face.

[ab5]

Bubs, reading your reply really helped because I feel like we are going through the same exact thing and it also seems like we used to be the same kind of person. It's nice to know that there are people that understand what I'm going through right now, when my family can't.

 

I've also found myself to be bitter and cynical. Someone I was recently talking to even told me I was being cynical. I was never ever like this before and never would have thought I would become this way. I never saw bad in anyone or anything. Maybe I was too optimistic and innocent.

 

I'm forcing myself to talk to other guys, in hopes of distracting myself from my ex, but all I see is the negatives in everyone or I'll compare them to my ex. I'm scared of trusting any guy now because how will I know they won't leave me suddenly like my ex did. I gave my heart and soul to him, planned our future, went house hunting together, and then all my plans and dreams with him just vanished. I honestly don't know if I'll be able to be myself and open up to anyone again.

[BUBS]

Its completely normal to feel an unease or inability when it comes to talking to new people. Ive tried a few times to meet someone in hopes it would allieviate the pain but at the end of the day it did the total opposite, what you said exactly... I would compare them to him and feel a complete distrust not only towards their ability to love me loyally or faithfully but also in my ability to do thar for anyone except my ex. I do worry daily that ill never love or be loved in that way again... That ill always assume they will leave or not be content enough to care. I think its probably too soon for you to see other people. We all know that the true healing comes once you fall for someone else, but if u are still in a place where you cannot get to know someone or appreciate who they are because they arent ur ex, itll only bring you more pain and magnify the things you miss.

[ab5]

I do worry daily that ill never love or be loved in that way again... That ill always assume they will leave or not be content enough to care.

 

This is exactly how I feel. When things were good with my ex, he loved me so much. I'm scared I won't find that with anyone else. Even if I do, I'll just be scared that they'll abandon me too. And I gave him so much love, love that I didn't know that I was capable of giving. Of course I acted immature and looking back, I see I was difficult at times, definitely was not a perfect angel in the relationship. But he wasn't either which is fine because isn't that how two people grow together? I guess leaving the relationship for good and possibly starting over with another girl was the easy solution in his case.

[BUBS]

I was no angel either...a lot of my greif comes from obsessing over the times i was exhausting and how he will remember me. Like you said, i guess it was easier for him to start fresh with someone else. I just wish i felt the same. Its sad to know that on most days i would rather get back together with him and live in that tornado of betrayel or broken tryst knowing damn well we would never be the same again, then do the easy thing and let him go and start fresh with someone that doesnt have such a tainted view of the relationship. We got a whole lot of living to do, and so many things will change over the next few years...but that in itself is terrifying.

[ab5]

I also feel a lot of times that I rather be with him and deal with the past than start afresh with someone else. It's probably sad, but if he were to contact me now, I know I would give our relationship another chance. I guess I still believe in what we had, we were both just stupid and immature at the time which I'm starting to see now after it's all over. The future does seem terrifying, more so I think because we both were engaged and thought we knew where our lives were heading, and now everything is up in the air.