What is that enigmatic fine line between settling and compromising?

April 19, 2013

I've just joined this forum, entirely for the purpose of getting some helpful advice from knowledgeable strangers--so thanks in advance to all who throw in their two cents! (And honestly, I need as many cents as you guys can provide )

Where I am coming from:

I've grown up with a firm belief in soul mates. Yes, movies and books and all of todays pop culture crap had something (a lot of something) to do with that for sure. But I've also always had this feeling that there was someone out there just for me and when I found him--I'd know. Wrong or right, I promised myself that I would never settle for anything less than that feeling, which of course made me seem picky. And I was, picky. But not superficially for the most part. I just wanted to hold out for that incredible, 'meant to be' feeling that one day I was so sure I'd find! And I did, well, sort of...a couple of times, with the wrong guys and/or wrong timing! Which was confusing.

So, present me:

I'm 32, in a very strong, healthy, committed relationship of 4 plus years! This is my second and longest relationship so everything was very new for me. Saying I love you and meaning it, moving in together, traveling and living all over the world like a pair of gypsies, getting comfortable enough to [insert fart joke here], you get the gist!

The problem--sometimes...like now, I'm not sure if I am in love with him anymore. I do absolutely love him. But the in love part, well, that part's questionable. I have on and off periods but lately, last year or so, I feel like the OFF periods have been coming in more frequently than the ON ones. And it freaks the hell out of me. Now before you guys give me the third degree, here's something that I'm not--delusional about the whole passion factor. I know (or I've been told many, many times rather), that passion and the "in love" feeling is only temporary, hormonal and unreal and eventually gives way to a deeper, more 'mature', kind of love. The thing that throws me though is this--if we plan on being with someone till the wrinkles take over and gravity gets the very best of us, isn't 4 years a little too soon to lose the "in love-ness"? Especially when my boyfriend says he's very, very much in love...so I know its possible.

I'm at a point now where I see crossroads ahead and I need to make a decision that is best for the both of us. So naturally, I'm analysing this thing to DEATH! And I've discovered a few things, like our interests are not as similar as I once believed and our goals sort of differ as well. And our values, although similar, are not quite on par either. But what we do have is explicit amount of trust for each other, respect, loyalty, support for each other, friendship and good sex. It also helps that we both have extremely dorky sense of humour so we make each other laugh all the time. I know that as a life partner, any girl should be ever so lucky! (I am also told this by some friends and family, frequently. But when I find myself questioning my feelings and wondering whether or not I'm settling, I start to lose my mind. Especially because I do have a tendency to be picky and have been known to get bored. So I am terrified that this is all in my head and I'm creating problems where there aren't any or (and this is just as scary), that there is someone out there for me I would never question such things with and I am being unfair to all three of us by staying in the wrong relationship.

So.

Is there something wrong with me? Am I seeing love in an immature way and looking for something that doesn't exist.

Anyone out there gone through this before? And if so, what did you do and where did it take you?

Anyone out there married or in a very long term relationship that is both happy, healthy and still full of "in love-ness? Wisdom, personal experiences are all welcome and encouraged.

Thanks, loveshack.org

April 19, 2013

Deep down you are probably afraid of commitment.

April 19, 2013

I've just joined this forum, entirely for the purpose of getting some helpful advice from knowledgeable strangers--so thanks in advance to all who throw in their two cents! (And honestly, I need as many cents as you guys can provide )

Where I am coming from:
I've grown up with a firm belief in soul mates. Yes, movies and books and all of todays pop culture crap had something (a lot of something) to do with that for sure. But I've also always had this feeling that there was someone out there just for me and when I found him--I'd know. Wrong or right, I promised myself that I would never settle for anything less than that feeling, which of course made me seem picky. And I was, picky. But not superficially for the most part. I just wanted to hold out for that incredible, 'meant to be' feeling that one day I was so sure I'd find! And I did, well, sort of...a couple of times, with the wrong guys and/or wrong timing! Which was confusing.

So, present me:
I'm 32, in a very strong, healthy, committed relationship of 4 plus years! This is my second and longest relationship so everything was very new for me. Saying I love you and meaning it, moving in together, traveling and living all over the world like a pair of gypsies, getting comfortable enough to [insert fart joke here], you get the gist!

The problem--sometimes...like now, I'm not sure if I am in love with him anymore. I do absolutely love him. But the in love part, well, that part's questionable. I have on and off periods but lately, last year or so, I feel like the OFF periods have been coming in more frequently than the ON ones. And it freaks the hell out of me. Now before you guys give me the third degree, here's something that I'm not--delusional about the whole passion factor. I know (or I've been told many, many times rather), that passion and the "in love" feeling is only temporary, hormonal and unreal and eventually gives way to a deeper, more 'mature', kind of love. The thing that throws me though is this--if we plan on being with someone till the wrinkles take over and gravity gets the very best of us, isn't 4 years a little too soon to lose the "in love-ness"? Especially when my boyfriend says he's very, very much in love...so I know its possible.

I'm at a point now where I see crossroads ahead and I need to make a decision that is best for the both of us. So naturally, I'm analysing this thing to DEATH! And I've discovered a few things, like our interests are not as similar as I once believed and our goals sort of differ as well. And our values, although similar, are not quite on par either. But what we do have is explicit amount of trust for each other, respect, loyalty, support for each other, friendship and good sex. It also helps that we both have extremely dorky sense of humour so we make each other laugh all the time. I know that as a life partner, any girl should be ever so lucky! (I am also told this by some friends and family, frequently. But when I find myself questioning my feelings and wondering whether or not I'm settling, I start to lose my mind. Especially because I do have a tendency to be picky and have been known to get bored. So I am terrified that this is all in my head and I'm creating problems where there aren't any or (and this is just as scary), that there is someone out there for me I would never question such things with and I am being unfair to all three of us by staying in the wrong relationship.

So.
Is there something wrong with me? Am I seeing love in an immature way and looking for something that doesn't exist.
Anyone out there gone through this before? And if so, what did you do and where did it take you?
Anyone out there married or in a very long term relationship that is both happy, healthy and still full of "in love-ness? Wisdom, personal experiences are all welcome and encouraged.

Thanks, loveshack.org

i agree commitment issues.....the settling in(rephrasing....being comfortable) with someone is the best bit...you know them they know you, you love each other..flaws and all...and are committed to each other......i would enjoy it fi i were you......its a beautiful thing to know completely someone and have them know you back...its wonderfully refreshing......and comforting.....deb

April 19, 2013

Thanks 'woggle' and 'todreaminblue'. The fear of commitment is something that has crossed my mind before and you may be right. I do not want to take for granted what I have, I understand how lucky I am. I guess what I want to figure out is exactly how important is it to have the same interests, values and goals with your partner? I live in the moment and he plans. He strives and is focused entirely on working hard now in order to retire young at the cost of living on a different continent, away from our families; while I more and more want to be close to mine and money is not a priority to me at all. He loooves the outdoors and his ideal pastime is fishing, while although I enjoy the outdoors, fishing bores me and Im a city girl at heart who would much rather explore some hole in a wall and people watch. I am social and enjoy nights out and the occasional drink, and honestly, I would love to be able to go out, get drunk and silly with my boyfriend. He really doesn't like the taste of alcohol so that rarely happens. I love movies and books. He loves action movies and comics. So...although I know we have a good, solid foundation in a lot of respects, I do wonder if those other things are equally important long term. I feel like I need those other things to feed the fire a little bit...no?

April 19, 2013

I may come off as a hopeless romantic but I believe in soul mates and I believe that you'll know when you find the "one".

Of course I might just a bit biased.

April 19, 2013

Thanks 'woggle' and 'todreaminblue'. The fear of commitment is something that has crossed my mind before and you may be right. I do not want to take for granted what I have, I understand how lucky I am. I guess what I want to figure out is exactly how important is it to have the same interests, values and goals with your partner? I live in the moment and he plans. He strives and is focused entirely on working hard now in order to retire young at the cost of living on a different continent, away from our families; while I more and more want to be close to mine and money is not a priority to me at all. He loooves the outdoors and his ideal pastime is fishing, while although I enjoy the outdoors, fishing bores me and Im a city girl at heart who would much rather explore some hole in a wall and people watch. I am social and enjoy nights out and the occasional drink, and honestly, I would love to be able to go out, get drunk and silly with my boyfriend. He really doesn't like the taste of alcohol so that rarely happens. I love movies and books. He loves action movies and comics. So...although I know we have a good, solid foundation in a lot of respects, I do wonder if those other things are equally important long term. I feel like I need those other things to feed the fire a little bit...no?

Those things vary in importance; similar values and goals are important in my opinion for the long term, but similar interests are less important (you can pursue some of your interests by yourself or with friends and share some interests together). You boyfriend does sound like a great catch for a long term relationship though - thinking of the future, working hard, a little more on the conservative side etc. The saying be careful what you wish for as you might just get it comes to mind. Men that are more like you (i.e. not concerned about money, living in the moment, like to party and get drunk once in awhile etc) tend not to make great long term partners; in fact they tend to be what are commonly referred to as players.

April 19, 2013

A compromise is when you accept somethibg that isn't ideal or not as good as you expected but you know its good enough. Settling, on the other hand, is when you go into a relationship and you know it doesn't meet some very basic requirements and will never keep you happy in the long run. It has no future. So one persons compromise might be another perons settling.

April 19, 2013

Compromise is the road to ruin.

Settling means giving up.

Either of those are unacceptable.

if you're afraid of commitment - then don't commit.

Just don't lie about it.

How can you say you believe in 'Soul-mates' but you are possibly afraid of commitment? It's a choice, isn't it?

I'll give you soul-mates:

My parents: 57 years together, the only man my mother ever 'laid with' or loved. Marriage survived one strong affair (that I definitely know of.)

What kept them together was an intellectual bonding. It wasn't even the children, because my mother described herself and my father thus:

"We're not parents, really; we're a couple with children."

But people who married were expected to have a family. In 'their day', it was the complete and unquestionable norm.

So they stayed together because they had a bonding, a unity that even to this day, three years after my father's death, people still marvel at. They were on the same page in every way imaginable. They mutually supported one another, and were each others' strongest ally. Sure, there were arguments: loud ones, emotional ones - never violent, but certainly powerful.

And they always saw it through.

But they didn't 'fawn' over each other. They weren't afraid to disagree on matters, even in public discussions. On Art, music, literature, nationality, religion, politics - whatever the discussion, they both had their own tastes and opinions, they weren't joined at the hip.

They evoked Kahil Gibran's description of 'Marriage' perfectly.

You were born together, and together you shall be forever more.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

My mother is 11 years younger than my father. They met when she was 17. They married just a fortnight before her 21st birthday.

I have never met a couple like them, and know I never will.

But this is what soul-mates are.

And if you find him, keep him.

Long after the sex is gone, life should be just as rich, fulfilled and rewarding as ever.

April 19, 2013

The bonding hormones that give you the "in love" feeling fade off between 6-13months (seriously look it up).

However they can be temporarily sparked by doing things together that foster intimacy and passion and the memory of that first honeymoon phase. What you are feeling is perfectly normal. But if you want to feel the in love bit more often now you have to work at it, make time for romance and bonding and intimacy, switch things up.

I remember about four years in with my ex we were in different parts of a store and I heard a familiar voice and walked around the corner and saw him having a conversation with an aquaintance. Just observing him unexpectedly with another woman was enough to sort of jolt me into to seeing him anew again, how tall, sexy and charismatic he was and how much I was in-love with him.

That's what adult relationships are, you have to build them and nurture them, not sit back and expect things to just work/feel right without your input. It's totally up to you if this guy is worth investing like that.

Hope this helps xoxo

April 20, 2013

I may come off as a hopeless romantic but I believe in soul mates and I believe that you'll know when you find the "one".

Of course I might just a bit biased.

KungfuJoe: Why biased? Personal experience or due to the hopeless romantic factor?

April 20, 2013

I appreciate the input. I feel like maybe I have misspoke so to clarify, when it comes to "fear of commitment", I am in no way afraid of a commitment itself. In fact, I love being in a relationship. I honestly do. I love being comfortable with someone, having our own private world, inside jokes, and have the freedom to be completely yourself, all the time. When I said that fear of commitment has crossed my mind, I meant it in a sense that I'm scared of committing my life to the wrong person. Equally, I'm scared that my hopelessly romanticized notions of love make me have unrealistic expectations from said life long commitment. And based on the majority of comments on here, it seems like I do...have unrealistic expectations that is.

I value what you guys put out there, it was helpful and gave me some stuff to work with. Since I've been analysing this to bits, I realized that I should also bring up another factor, which I think is one of the main culprits.

I spent the past 3 years following this guy around the globe as he was working and in school, building his career. We were both aware that my putting my life on hold for him could backfire and end up in resentment but I wanted to do it because at the time I wasn't quite sure what my own life's plans were. We agreed to be honest with each other if ever one of us felt unhappy. Eventually we moved literally across the glove--down unda! He is in school and has his own business on a side, where I worked while he's been studying. Love, love Australia but missing friends and family, having hard time communicating with back home, missing big events (weddings, babies, break ups, etc). So after a couple of years of this, it took a toll. On me, not on him. Of course, I knew what I signed up for.

Then at last, this past year, I finally figured out what I want to do with my own life and have finally become ready to take stock of my own life! Yay. He's extremely supportive but he wishes for me to pursue my plans in Australia. Though he knows that more and more I want to come back to my home city and be close to my family again. When we talk about it, and I ask if he'd come back with me, he's says he's willing to do it for me but is definitely less than enthused, in fact he keeps hoping that I'll change my mind and will want to stay in Oz. So obviously, I dont feel right making him give up a career that he's been working so hard for in a place he ADORES for the unknown, particularly that he's not a big fan of my home town (NYC).

So...ugh...basically, we agreed that next Christmas I will go back and I will pursue my thing in NY while he finishes his schooling in Ozland. And then we see. Wait and see... Which is dangerous because we'll be apart, building our lives in different directions. A part of me feels like I've given his life a chance and that when the time comes he should do the same for me. But that's not really fair especially that he would literally only be doing this FOR ME. And that's a recipe for resentment if there ever was one!

In a nutshell, in several months we will be separating and I don't know what's going to happen. So all these...OFF moments I get, I feel like they come from a place where I wish we wanted the same thing. I don't understand how he feels so ok to be so far away from his own family and to only see them once, maaaybe twice a year for a week or so. Meanwhile its becoming more and more important to me. I feel like his determination to 'make it' dominates everything else. So yeah, its good, he's so motivated but to me, he's choosing money over people; and the future over the present. These to me are massive differences which don't make him or me bad people or make one of us wrong or right, but they do make me wonder if we are right for each other.

Hence the dilemma. Hence the head drama. SIGH.

April 20, 2013

Hi Spacegirl, I have been with my H for a little over 27 years. 5 and a half years ago he had an 8 month affair, we reconciled and are happy. Had he not been the one for me, nor I for him, either of us would have walked, left our marriage, wished each other well and got on with life. I am so not a settling for less than I want type of person, I believe in soulmates, didn't until I met H all those years ago, but we just fit.

All long term relationships go through times where it gets same'y, it's being able to recognise those moments and break the cycle that makes it work and keep passion alive. If I didn't feel my heart go flip flops when we hug or dance to the music in our heads, I would leave. I just think of how life would be without H and it always seems like a very lonely place as I would look for a person just like him.

We have date nights, I send him invitations to dinner, I make us a lovely meal with candles, music and we both take time to dress up as if we were going out. We dance, laugh, flirt and talk about anything but household stuff. We have always done this and it helps keep it all sparkly and special.

Never settle for anything less than what makes your heart sing, it isn't fair to either of you, but don't give up without trying. I agree that both of you should make compromises and if it means him being with you and moving then so be it. I can relate to this as my H was in the military for 26 years, he was away a lot, I had a professional career and was earning pots of dosh and successful. I gave up my job to be with H and took a job that wasn't as fulfilling professionaly, but it was price I was willing to pay for us to be together. 2 years ago H said it was now my turn and he came out of the military to care for me and for us to live as I had always dreamed.

Maybe your boyfriend has a more grounded approach in that he is looking at the long term future and is afraid. I think you both should discuss long term plans, what you both want, how to make it work if you do decide to go to NYC and whether your relationship can survive. Good luck x

April 20, 2013

Seren, thank you very much for sharing. You and your husband sound like a beautiful couple and your message is truly inspiring!

My boyfriend and I definitely have some figuring out to do. We talk about things to come, every once in a while, but when we do its the "we will cross that bridge when we get to it" notion, so nothing gets resolved really. I think he is secretly, or not so secretly, hoping I will hate NY (its been a while since I've lived there and you know the saying "you can never go home") and I'm hoping that I will have a magical sign pop out of the sky in bright neon colours that will instruct me exactly what to do. Ha!

I gotta say, I'm not sure if I ever felt like he was my soul mate. At times...maybe... But the love I felt for him was strong and knew I was lucky to find a guy who genuinely cares for me and makes me a better version of myself (and visa versa...I hope!). I don't know if he's THE guy, I guess time will tell. I guess I could be in a funk due to all the uncertainty so everything else is negative has become like a trillion times more negative. So I wont give up without trying. Now...does that mean I have to strap on those waders?? Maaaaaaaaaan....

April 21, 2013

Sounds like you have the GIGS syndrome.

4 years isn't too soon for the sizzle to fade. In most cases, it's the two year mark where all the brain chemistry mumbo jumbo starts to fade and the other part of the love is based on the bonding you have been able to achieve in the meantime.

If you leave and find another relationship, in 4 years time you will be feeling the same way, IMO.

April 21, 2013

TaraMaiden and Seren speaking of "soulmates" in their examples - yet in both cases the man had an affair. Very soulmate-y :rolleyes:

So my 2 cents would be: a soulmate wouldnt cheat - nor feel the feelings you feel, spacegirl.

April 21, 2013

Sounds like you have the GIGS syndrome.

It's not GIGs. She's feeling uncertain about being apart and his unwillingness to reciprocate her initial actions of dropping everything to be with him, following him around the world. In her uncertainty, she's emotionally withdrawing.

April 21, 2013

I'm analysing this thing to DEATH!

Analyze less, love more and work on the boredom part. That's within you. Your man does what he does. You have control only of yourself. If you feel too much settling or compromise for your own style of relating, then address it directly, resolve it or move on. It sounds like you've had a valuable relationship and time in your life. That's really positive. Sometimes people grow together, feel 'together' and live together for their natural lives. My parents did that. Sometimes they don't. That's me. We're all different. Good luck.

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What is that enigmatic fine line between settling and compromising?

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