LoveN Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 Ok so long story short, we've been together for a 7 years.. we broke up because I (male) wasn't affectionate enough. I realized my faults and I was wrong and we started to just doing things together again.. hanging out, etc. She said she's not promising me anything but I see progress, it seems like it's getting better but at the same time I feel like it's at a stand still. Somewhat confusing, we live together and I had intentions to snoop through messages but never went through with it because I couldn't. She found out through my browser histories that I had tried and she was very upset. I told her my intentions was because I just wanted answers, reinforcements, assurance that I'm doing ok. I fully trust her, i know she wouldn't do stuff behind my back.. this was more for the concrete answers I want and not to find something that's she's doing behind my back or something. At first she didn't believe me but after explaining she understood from what I got. She still said this creeped her out and that we should stop it here. Is this justified? It wasn't necessarily trust issues. I just didn't want to keep bringing things up with her to take steps back in our progress. Did I go too far? She has snooped on my years ago during our relationship and I was completely fine with it.. She brought it up, etc. We talked and it ended well because if she's snooping then she cares, she obviously is worried and I'm here to help her. Why doesn't she see it as that and instead more of a violation? Or am I looking at it wrong?
TaserTag Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 I don't think that you have the right to go through her things or that it's justifiable. I think that it was a huge mistake on your part. The girl already was feeling unsure about you, so you breaking her trust really isn't going to help matters at all. Clearly she didn't want you to be able to go through her things and you don't trust her enough to have a conversation about whatever is bothering you. It sounds like you're trying really hard to hold on to her.. probably too hard to the point of sabotaging yourself.
todreaminblue Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 Ok so long story short, we've been together for a 7 years.. we broke up because I (male) wasn't affectionate enough. I realized my faults and I was wrong and we started to just doing things together again.. hanging out, etc. She said she's not promising me anything but I see progress, it seems like it's getting better but at the same time I feel like it's at a stand still. Somewhat confusing, we live together and I had intentions to snoop through messages but never went through with it because I couldn't. She found out through my browser histories that I had tried and she was very upset. I told her my intentions was because I just wanted answers, reinforcements, assurance that I'm doing ok. I fully trust her, i know she wouldn't do stuff behind my back.. this was more for the concrete answers I want and not to find something that's she's doing behind my back or something. At first she didn't believe me but after explaining she understood from what I got. She still said this creeped her out and that we should stop it here. Is this justified? It wasn't necessarily trust issues. I just didn't want to keep bringing things up with her to take steps back in our progress. Did I go too far? She has snooped on my years ago during our relationship and I was completely fine with it.. She brought it up, etc. We talked and it ended well because if she's snooping then she cares, she obviously is worried and I'm here to help her. Why doesn't she see it as that and instead more of a violation? Or am I looking at it wrong? to me, having passwords in a relationship with a partner is a given....if i had something to hide ...then of course i wouldnt want to give them access......some women however do find it violating....i only find it violating when it is someone i dont know looking through my stuff....and i have not given them the passwords.......you have to respect boundaries that women have...every woman is different to where these boundaries are and whether you agree or disagree with them is beside the point....you still have to honor them or find someone else....best wishes....deb
Poppy fields Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 I wouldn't believe you either if you said you trusted me, but still felt the need to snoop.
Author LoveN Posted April 18, 2013 Author Posted April 18, 2013 But i truly do trust her, the reason behind my actions was to find a "We're doing better!" or something that can give me hope since I was slightly afraid to bring it up with her since it might be a negative effect. I did apologize as I don't feel good about what I did. She also told me it's also her fault for not being more forward with me. I don't know how to take it. I've never snooped like this before and it was more of a desperate quick thing that never happened. I didn't go through anything but the intentions were there.
PogoStick Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 This may sound crazy but you could ask her how things are going /gasp! The reason she feels violated is because you violated her.
CC12 Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 But i truly do trust her, the reason behind my actions was to find a "We're doing better!" or something that can give me hope since I was slightly afraid to bring it up with her since it might be a negative effect. It was still the wrong thing to do. You shouldn't be afraid to communicate with her. I do think there is a lack of trust there, not necessarily that you think she's doing things behind your back, but you didn't trust that you would be able to tell her your feelings or ask some questions without there being negative consequences. Instead of dealing with your insecurities on your own, or with voluntary help from her, you went behind her back searching for answers you didn't trust her to give you.
Author LoveN Posted April 19, 2013 Author Posted April 19, 2013 You're right, I should have just talked to her. I am wrong and there's nothing that can be done to fix that but to just accept it and learn from this experience. Very stupid of me and I am disgusted at myself.
CC12 Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 You're right, I should have just talked to her. I am wrong and there's nothing that can be done to fix that but to just accept it and learn from this experience. Very stupid of me and I am disgusted at myself. Don't beat yourself up. Just apologize to her (if you haven't already) and yes, learn from this experience. You'll do better next time, right?
Author LoveN Posted April 19, 2013 Author Posted April 19, 2013 Yup I already did all that. It is what it is I guess. Thanks for everyone's response and not beating me up, not making me feel attacked and not giving me negative responses. Yes I did intend to do that for the wrong reasons instead of talking to her. In the end I rather her be upset with me talking about thing than to find this out.
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