coping with a broken heart :(

[ChazzB]

I am slowly moving on but she is always there, in the back of my head... but right now i have another issue at hand.

 

 

For the last couple months I have been going out with a girl. I do feel somehow guilty about this. Not because of my ex, there is no reason for that.

 

I have not like asked this girl to be my gf or something, we just go out and have fun. She has a BF, they have been together like, 7 years or something. The guy left town like a year ago, and they have kept it at a distance.

 

At some point things have been about to get physical, but she has stopped me, obviously, because of the bf. We have had some talks about it and she accepts she is not happy but ofc because of the time / emotional investment she does not want to break up with him (not like i have asked her to). But we still go out, she still goes to my place, we get physical up to the point when she stops it. I have not kissed her in the lips but we have kissed our necks, hugged, held hands and stuff like that.

 

Now, obviously in my book, she cheated on her bf since the point she started going out with me (I didn't even know she had one until she added me to fb lol...) and I don't want that done to me. From what I know she has been honest with him (at least telling him that she's out with a friend, doing x stuff), and the guy left without her so I understand, I can relate somehow.

 

Point is. When I am with this girl I stop caring, and I forget about the ex during that time. And that is awesome. Also, she is very cute and I find myself fantasizing at times (and she knows haha, i have told her that much). I always leave wanting more, kinda disappointed that it does not happen and kinda guilty because in the end, the girl is in a relationship. I don't like the idea of being the kind of guy like the one that caused me some of my issues. It is not the same but, still. On the other hand, I blame the guy. After all that time, I wouldn't have left like that. I would probably be married or living together with her or something =/... aaanyway...

 

She knows that i am going to go to la Feria de San Marcos this weekend (it is like a mexican Mardi Gras) and she told me that she wants to talk, that some things had happened and that she had decided on some things.

 

Of course my pessimistic self thinks she is just going to tell me we can't do that anymore which I totally understand. And that blows because my main source of peace atm might be lost...

 

As always, any input or thought is welcome

[ChazzB]

well, said and done

 

the bf is coming back, she wants to try again... clean break, no drama

 

and i'm back to my loneliness he...

[Chi townD]

First off, I know you don't want to hear it, but GOOD! You don't need to be the "other man" in someone else's relationship. AND you don't need all of that drama along with it.

 

Dude, there are 11 billion people on this planet, don't hook up with one that's already in a relationship. Out of that 11 Billion, I'm pretty sure there are a couple of single women in the bunch.

[ChazzB]

yeah i know it was good xD

 

she was only a distraction, truth is i did not want anything serious with her, that is why i never pushed things

 

in the end i did not travel this weekend. A girl that was traveling with us cancelled, another friend that was going to meet us there cancelled, and the travel expenses were higher for the 2 of us left. Also my roomie (the guy i was gonna go with) can't leave work early and i don't want to drive

 

i do have plans for the weekend. i have a family party for the baptism of one of my best friends' daughter, bball game in the afternoon, salsa at night, mountain climbing tomorrow. Will just have to find something to fill up sunday afternoon

 

early morning i was feeling kind of depressed but it didnt last long

[ChazzB]

well... somehow she contacted me through viber...

 

she started with some chitchat and i just told her i did not want to chitchat, that she had a lot of people in her life for that waste of time and that we were beyond that.

 

I wished her well and told her if she wanted to have a meaningful conversation I was open to it, since i did not want to keep the memory of a lying manipulative bitch. She just told me she did not want anything anymore, so i told her not to bother then, to move on and be happy.

 

and that was that, another goodbye, and i think i stood my ground. And then i blocked her from there too.

 

but it still aches...

[Chi townD]

AANNDD.....back to square one. Dude, you need to go NC and stick to it. Must have been nice hearing that she has a lot of men in her life. That must have had you jumping for joy!

 

As you can probably tell, that interaction with her did nothing but piss you off and put you in a bad mood.

 

Dude, you need to snap out of it! You were doing so well! You were excited and motivated about the future and future adventures. Now, you're back sliding. You need to find that motivation again.

[ChazzB]

i think there is some misunderstanding... i did not initiate the contact here, she just used another software xD lol...

 

i did not hear that about her, we did not really talk. she started with the classic "how are you doing", and i answered "i'm fine" and then just said the rest. i know that for a fact, she has friends here in Mex, and people in the US, and i just told her to chit chat with the rest of the people in her life, that she was not going to achieve anything with me doing it, that we were way beyond that. basically to leave me alone unless she wanted to come clean.

 

ofc, she said she just wanted nothing, and good bye, and i blocked her from there also

 

 

i don't feel as bad as in other times. It just sucks, you know. the memories will always be there and the fact that someone that at a point was a centerpiece to your life and someone that loved you so much is now just a stranger, well, it sucks. But i understand i have to do the same and move on, and i am working on it.

 

anyway, gym and salsa later today i will ask a girl out today i hope hehehe...

 

 

and just to close the other girl's story. I have not heard from her since Thursday. Good.

[ChazzB]

Haha i talked to my "flame" yesterday. Brief, that thing is over. she told me she left in bad terms cause she felt i was going to react differently (she is not sure how). Whatever...

 

Today has been pretty ****ty. I have this knot in the chest, i feel sad. I noticed yesterday that i have only like 4 people i can call and talk to whenever i need to, 2 of them are my parents and 2 of them are long distance friends, a girl from college and an ex work partner. I have to make more friends

[ChazzB]

days go by... i still feel pretty sad, but it is getting easier to cope with some of that sadness.

 

at least i do have plans for the weekend...

[ChazzB]

i have been pretty off and on these days, even confused as on where i am standing and what is it that i want

 

but at least i know it is all inside my head. and i can hold on to the things that are real. that being me having to go on by and for myself. be happy so i can attract someone that is happy too.

 

it is tough, every day is a little battle... there are some points during the day when everything is going great, and suddenly my memory betrays me and i just can't help but to remember so many things, and i go back to the sadness...

 

there is one thing that i see as a definite progress, and that is the lack of motivation to break nc. i mean, i used to have this urge, this need, to talk to her, to listen to her voice, to have her listen to what i had to say, to be able to get her to finally talk to me honestly

 

but the realization comes that it is useless, and no words are going to change how things are. only some pretty extreme facts would do that for me. and i don't know if that makes me a loser or a good person, the fact that, with the right actions, that proved things are different, i would gladly take another shot at it.

 

but it is not going to happen, and it has been too long... 7 months now, for me that is too long... maybe time is relative and for some other people is not that much, but it has felt like an eternity, and i feel like i have gone through an equivalent pain

 

another good thing that i just noticed. it is been a good while since i last cried. even with the last contact we had, that has not been in me anymore

 

well, things could be worse... i'm alive, i am healthy, i have the chance to discover things again and refine myself in all areas, guess i gotta make the most out of it.

[ChazzB]

well i just regressed a bit i had the urges today in the morning

 

i didn't do anything though... but man, i hate not being able to control my train of thoughts...

 

i think i injured my shoulder playing basketball yesterday... i will go to the gym today and see how i handle it, maybe i gotta go to the doc but i hope i won't have to, cause that is one of my main and best distractions.

[Chi townD]

Dude, all of this takes time. NC gets worse before it gets better. Just remember that.

 

You're doing all the right things. Just remind yourself to stay the course and I promise it will get better.

[crazy1234]

the mornings are starting to get harder... it is the hardest part of the day for me, waking up and thinking non stop

mornings are always worst for all the heart broken people..its like ur world is just crashing down every minute..and this deep and sharp empty feeling that hits u 1st thing you open your eyes..see?we all felt it..and still mayb some of us feel it..take it easy..it will get better day by day..tell urself that its going to be okya..that you'r going to be okay today.

[ChazzB]

i understand you, but that friendship thing won't work unless you want to be friends too, and i think that is not the case (at least not in my experience)

 

thanks for the kind words guys they brighten my days

[ChazzB]

just deleted the last thing i had from her, all our pics and videos were in an external HDD that I had not used in way long. I have to because of some personal projects that have to do with information i have stored in there.

 

I saw a couple pics... I tried not to but it was stronger than me. Then I just said "**** it", and deleted them...

 

I thought about burning a DVD with them and send it to her but what is the ****ing point... all of that does not exist anymore...

 

man this sucks, it hurts, i really loved her... i still somehow do...

[crazy1234]

just deleted the last thing i had from her, all our pics and videos were in an external HDD that I had not used in way long. I have to because of some personal projects that have to do with information i have stored in there.

 

I saw a couple pics... I tried not to but it was stronger than me. Then I just said "**** it", and deleted them...

 

I thought about burning a DVD with them and send it to her but what is the ****ing point... all of that does not exist anymore...

 

man this sucks, it hurts, i really loved her... i still somehow do...

you did whats best for you..and shall keep in mind that she'll always be your past..never reconsider being with her even if u get a chance.Remember she left for a reason and that will always be there.Take it from me,i had given a second chance to my ex this time around and did everything in my power to make him happy but he just left me for some1 else.I mean just like that for someone else.But neways coming back to your point,you did just the right thing today,and tomorrow is a new day for you.Be happy cause tomorrow will be the day you start you'r healing process.You will finally start to get over her from tomorrow:)all cause u deleted her stuffs.

[ChazzB]

my logical part knows all that very well... right now I just wish i could go numb because it suddenly hits me and i can't control it and it sucks so much

 

 

now, time for a lot of rambling

 

 

last week she contacted me again (i have no idea how she manages to text me via whatsapp =/) and started chitchatting about the NBA... i was cold and told her i did not want to talk to her unless she wanted to answer the things i had asked, again i wished her well and told her if she wanted nothing to do with me she should act upon it, as i was trying to do.

 

obviously she did not answer back... but what the hell goes through her mind? She already knows i am not interested in a friendship with the likes of her :/ even as a friend i wouldn't have done to her what she did to me (some things that i have not said through here but she was pretty mean, and a liar).

 

what positive things did she bring to my life? an active sex life, day to day companionship, a lot of things we enjoyed doing together, the promise of a future, some very happy times. And the bad things? that future depended on me, she never kept her promises, she was always leaving me, the communication was bad on her part, she was extremely jealous, my social circle kinda disappeared, there was not that much trust in there, some pretty nasty fights and situations...

 

i mean i should have known before going balls deep, that the whole thing probably lacked a sounder foundation... but still, I expected honesty, that was the whole thing i asked from day one... i said, textually, "please do not lie to me. If you want something else, someone else, anything, you are free to do whatever you want with your life. I want you to be happy. Just tell me the truth and i will try to understand and do what's best for both of us"

 

that is what ****ing kills me , over and over, the bunch of lies and the fact that she was so cold blooded as to reel me back in again, and i was so stupid to give in to that...

 

screw this, im out for lunch xD

[BrokenHeartsClub]

It sounds like your almost out of the woods, but not quite.

 

I think you're doing well so far. You're laying out the pros and cons of the relationship, what made you happy and what didn't.

 

It looks like your realizing the cons outweighed the pros and starting to realize why your actually having trouble with the break up.

 

Now that you know it was because of the lies and what not; now you can let it go.

 

Just be thankful you reached this point now rather than way later on.

 

Deleting the stuff is a huge cathartic step too. The mornings should start to get a bit easier.

[ihateher83]

it's a hard process but we have to go through it ...

 

i'm 7 months in after my BU ( i'm the dumpee )

 

shes with someone and it hurts but day after day ... it gets alittle better

 

it's a rollar coaster though

 

hang in there dude

[crazy1234]

my logical part knows all that very well... right now I just wish i could go numb because it suddenly hits me and i can't control it and it sucks so much

 

 

now, time for a lot of rambling

 

 

last week she contacted me again (i have no idea how she manages to text me via whatsapp =/) and started chitchatting about the NBA... i was cold and told her i did not want to talk to her unless she wanted to answer the things i had asked, again i wished her well and told her if she wanted nothing to do with me she should act upon it, as i was trying to do.

 

obviously she did not answer back... but what the hell goes through her mind? She already knows i am not interested in a friendship with the likes of her :/ even as a friend i wouldn't have done to her what she did to me (some things that i have not said through here but she was pretty mean, and a liar).

 

what positive things did she bring to my life? an active sex life, day to day companionship, a lot of things we enjoyed doing together, the promise of a future, some very happy times. And the bad things? that future depended on me, she never kept her promises, she was always leaving me, the communication was bad on her part, she was extremely jealous, my social circle kinda disappeared, there was not that much trust in there, some pretty nasty fights and situations...

 

i mean i should have known before going balls deep, that the whole thing probably lacked a sounder foundation... but still, I expected honesty, that was the whole thing i asked from day one... i said, textually, "please do not lie to me. If you want something else, someone else, anything, you are free to do whatever you want with your life. I want you to be happy. Just tell me the truth and i will try to understand and do what's best for both of us"

 

that is what ****ing kills me , over and over, the bunch of lies and the fact that she was so cold blooded as to reel me back in again, and i was so stupid to give in to that...

 

screw this, im out for lunch xD

just let it be..i know how these things bother you on a daily basis.But let it be..for whatever its worth and whatever she did..just let it go..because other than letting it go there is nothing we can do about it..So just breathe and let it go cuz thats what I do everyday freaking day.

[ChazzB]

yeah...

 

the last couple of days i had a couple things that distracted my mind and have made me realize the fact that i might be a little more screwed than i thought, and I should have noted this on my last unsuccessful fling.

 

right now I feel like I jump like a freaking piranha to any woman that shows some attention or interest, and that is equally ****ed up and dangerous =/

 

so guess i will just chill and let it all flow by...

[crazy1234]

yeah...

 

the last couple of days i had a couple things that distracted my mind and have made me realize the fact that i might be a little more screwed than i thought, and I should have noted this on my last unsuccessful fling.

 

right now I feel like I jump like a freaking piranha to any woman that shows some attention or interest, and that is equally ****ed up and dangerous =/

 

so guess i will just chill and let it all flow by...

I feel it too but getting emotionally involved in any way is going to leave u scarred anyways..it wont help.So take it easy..do healthy things and build yourself..using all that anger and frustration as a stepping stone.. and things shall fall slowly into places.

[ChazzB]

went on a date yesterday, with a girl i have liked since a pretty considerable time but nothing had really happened... i'm still not sure on when did she start to feel attracted but thing were great

 

that being said, i think we are both sort of damaged goods so i will take things slowly

 

and yeah, did not think about the ex at all... which is awesome

[ChazzB]

well... things were very, very bizarre this weekend...

 

the "take thing slowly" thing went down the drain... and ofc the results were crappy at most

 

she is confused and took distance, and i ended up gettin hurt by her attitude...

 

i just try to keep it friendly but i know that won't progress...

 

and at the end of it all i don't know how i ended up in bed with another girl and that did not make me feel happier either

 

what a mess lol

[ChazzB]

well, things again turned into kinda bad

 

the new fling went very sour (the girl does not answer to me anymore), the other girl, well, i didn't really like her and although i was clear with her i think she got hurt too...

 

i injured my knee (due to lack of rest during the last week i presume) and my shoulder has a nagging injury so my physical activity has gone down which also sucks...

 

this caused me to get the urges again to talk to the ex but that just makes me feel worse :/