KS11 Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 I know i posted a fair bit recently, but im finding it so hard to quit thinking about whats happened. One of the main reasons things ended with my ex was due to her feeling that there was a lack of chemistry and that I was never forward enough with her when it came to being intimate etc. The thing is, when we last spoke about this, as always, I never can think quick enough to say what I mean or give a decent explanation. Basically, I've always known the reason why I struggled in being forward, but figured eventually id be able to overcome it if i just kept putting myself in that situation so to speak. Its something I've never told anyone, especially not her..but now i've realised this is something thats taken over my life for years now and i've just tried to ignore it. However, now i've arranged to see someone to try and deal with this stuff. I really want to let her know this in the hope that maybe we could give it a second chance. I know the relationship breakdown was not soley down to my issues, but I hate that she might have it her mind that it was because I was attracted to her etc, which couldnt be further wrong. Is it that stupid to tell her this??
Mack05 Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 Without even reading the thread. Yes this is a stupid/bad idea.. 1
Author KS11 Posted April 18, 2013 Author Posted April 18, 2013 Without even reading the thread. Yes this is a stupid/bad idea.. Maybe I should edit the title. I'd really appreciate some thoughts though. Mack, I've read lots of your posts and you give good advice... i swear I cant really be that deluded that this really is a stupiid idea? Am i that far gone?
iouaname Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 It's not 'stupid,' I'm just not sure that it's a good idea. I would ask, how would you feel if what you tell her changes nothing?
Mack05 Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 (edited) Maybe I should edit the title. I'd really appreciate some thoughts though. Mack, I've read lots of your posts and you give good advice... i swear I cant really be that deluded that this really is a stupiid idea? Am i that far gone? Ok, I have to give you more helpful advice after those kind comments Mate you are doing what we ALL do. We think "if our ex hears this, or my ex hears that, then things could change". This is just the junkie mind playing tricks on us. What we don't undertand is our ex's have VERY different thought process's to ours. I would say two things to you. Firstly you are talking about making changes. How many dumpee's do this post breakup? A LOT!!. I think you send a FAR stronger message when you have actually made the change(s) without having to enlighten her beforehand. There is a universe of difference between 'talking the talk' and 'walking the walk'. Talking the talk is what desperate people do. Walking the walk is what strong people do. It may take far longer, you both might have moved on but if these changes you want to make are real, they should be about you. Not to get her back. Otherwise the change you talk about is not real or genuine. More often than not, dumpee's don't back up the promise(s) of change. Our Ex's recognise this talk the talk and promise of change as simply a last 'desperate act'..They see right through it, because they are now more logical. Why? because their emotions have subsided and are not what they once were. Our promises don't mean as much, they are no longer taken as face value like they once were. Secondly this is taken from the book getting past your breakup...It's about NC. 2) I Must have Closure. You may have many questions, but you need to accept that some will never get answered. Even if you have questions that seem to drive you crazy, you must decide that the answers don't matter, probably won't make sense, probably aren't going to satisfy you and are not going to give you any sense of closure. It is your responsibility to accept that you may have to close this chapter without answers, explanations, and without input from someone else. It is not only possible for you to survive without the answers but it's necessary. Staying in the questions, repeating them and ruminating over the possible answers will only keep you stuck. Despite your fervent belief that somehow one final scene with your ex will lead to closure, it will not. You don't need to know what your ex thinks or why your ex did this or that, to move on. If you want closure, you need to do the grief work, intergrate the experience into your life and turn the page. That is how closure happens...FROM WITHIN.. 3) I just need to make sense of it all" and I just have one more thing to say to you before I let go"...You may think that if you can just talk sense into your ex, then everything will be fine. You may have heard illogical or unreasonable explanations that left you stunned and speechless at the time, but now they go round and round in your head and you can think of a thousand rebuttals to them all. As you ruminate on the things your ex said, you come up with reasons your ex is wrong, and then you start to imagine how having a change to talk things out will resolve all the misunderstandings. It becomes your impassioned belief that you can have a conversation and turn the wrongheadedness around. If your ex dumped you and you think it was the wrong thing to do, he or she needs to figure that out. You can't be the one to "fix" your ex's thinking. The bottom line is that if your ex see's things in a cockeyed way now, he or she is going to continue to see things the same way whenever you are not around to correct this twisted prespective. It takes hard work and constant vigilance to keep someone "thinking correctly", and you don't want that kind of responsibility or control. The fact is you need to accept that you have been with someone whose approach to life is simply incompatible to yours. Perhaps it was evident that you thought in different ways, saw the world differently, and operated on irreconcilable differences but you chose to ignore it or worked hard to correct it. You can't ignore dissimilar viewpoints any longer. Accept the fact that you think differently and let it go so you can find someone whose way of thinking is compatible with yours. " Edited April 18, 2013 by Mack05 1
Author KS11 Posted April 18, 2013 Author Posted April 18, 2013 We think "if our ex hears this, or my ex hears that, then things could change". That is true, in fact, im pretty sure I gave that advice to someone here not long ago! And whilst I do definitely agree with those two points from that book, maybe Im just seeing this through clouded vision, but I don't think id be doing this for closure or to make sense of it all. In answer it Iouaname's question, im not really expecting it to change anything, but shouldnt I explain the reasons behind why it happened like it did? I feel like she's made a decision with only half the information. In that respect im not looking for any answers from her. She's given me her reasons, but like I say this was done knowing only half the story. I agree, a lot of people talk of change to win someone back, and sure theres a part of that. But these are problems that ive tried to ignore, and much of it doesnt have anything to do with her at all, i think this whole thing has just been the final straw to do something about it.for me.
ThatJustHappened Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 That is true, in fact, im pretty sure I gave that advice to someone here not long ago! And whilst I do definitely agree with those two points from that book, maybe Im just seeing this through clouded vision, but I don't think id be doing this for closure or to make sense of it all. In answer it Iouaname's question, im not really expecting it to change anything, but shouldnt I explain the reasons behind why it happened like it did? I feel like she's made a decision with only half the information. In that respect im not looking for any answers from her. She's given me her reasons, but like I say this was done knowing only half the story. I agree, a lot of people talk of change to win someone back, and sure theres a part of that. But these are problems that ive tried to ignore, and much of it doesnt have anything to do with her at all, i think this whole thing has just been the final straw to do something about it.for me. You can't talk someone into loving you. Either she does or she doesn't. Love is not something most people take lightly, it takes more than a few words to make someone fall into it, or fall out of it. You can say whatever you want but it most likely won't change anything on her end, and it will just be frustrating and painful on yours. 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 The fact is you need to accept that you have been with someone whose approach to life is simply incompatible to yours. Perhaps it was evident that you thought in different ways, saw the world differently, and operated on irreconcilable differences but you chose to ignore it or worked hard to correct it. You can't ignore dissimilar viewpoints any longer. Accept the fact that you think differently and let it go so you can find someone whose way of thinking is compatible with yours. " ^^Exactly, exactly what happened to me. She saw this so much sooner than me. I do see it now, though. Damn, how did she see this with such clarity so long before me? I think because I was sooo infatuated with her, I either didn't see it, or didn't care. I was in much deeper than her. I see it now, and I cannot blame her. I cannot be mad at her. She was right. Damn!!!
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