Do I run?

[WWDDFD]

I met a totally cool person two weeks ago; on the internet of course. She found me, actually; since I had long given up ever trying to date anyone again, after the last two people I "dated" completely crushed every bit of self confidence I ever had (and I didn't have much).

 

So for two weeks we've been talking a lot about everything and we have a ton of things in common, we talk like 2-3 hours at a time without any lull in the conversation. Just last night we finally went for a "date" at a coffee place, and as we were leaving she told me that she would definitely call me today and we'd go biking.

 

 

Well, I didn't get a call, and that freaked me out. Maybe it's because of the first whacko I went after kept promising me she'd call and then she would NEVER call ever, but I just couldn't control myself and I got all depressed and started crying and just slept all night. I woke up and she's online and she tells me she went out and she's drunk now. we said:

 

 

[01:49] Her: i'm drunk

[01:49] Her:

[01:49] Her: I sang karaoke

[01:49] Me: oh dear

[01:50] Me: did you have fun?

[01:50] Her: yeah, a guy just called me

[01:50] Her: apparently I gave him my number

[01:50] Her: woops

[01:50] Me: ...

[01:50] Her: he was bald and kinda gross

[01:53] Me: do you mind me asking why you would give your number to someone like that then?

[02:00] Me: ok I guess you do mind then o_O

[02:14] Me: you never called me today

 

 

and she still hasn't replied.

ARGH.

 

I don't get it, I just don't get it. I feel absolutely crushed right now and I don't even know why. After the last two I promised myself that I would run at the first sign of "red flags" (actually I promised myself that I'd never date anyone again, but that's besides the point) and now I find it incredibly hard to just drop it and run away from her now. I don't want to be crushed YET AGAIN, but at the same time I don't want to be running away from everyone I see just because they're not as steadfast and dedicated as I am...

 

ARGHHHHHHHHHHH. I swear I'm going to scream.

[WWDDFD]

she just responded

 

 

[02:14] Me: you never called me today

[02:23] Her: hey, Iknow

[02:24] Me: you ok?

[02:25] Her: iyeahhhh

[02:26] Her: i should go

[02:26] Her: byeeeee:)

(logs off immediately)

 

 

 

[WWDDFD]

I wanted to ask her what exactly she wants out of knowing me... I think I may end up asking tomorrow when she's not drunk. Or is that a bad idea? I mean, the site she found me on clearly states that I'm only interested in finding people to be in relationships with... ughhhhh. I swear to god.

 

 

Am I freaking out over nothing? I'm just so afraid of being hurt and used yet again

[moimeme]

That you 'clearly state I'm only interested in finding people to be in relationships with' does not necessarily mean that everyone who responds will be similarly interested. You latch onto people too quickly, WWFDWDTTFF (I can't keep the Ws and Ds and stuff straight). She didn't call when she said she would, then got drunk (never a good sign, IMHO) and then blew you off in an online chat. These are all bad signs. So don't cling like a limpet to this one - let her go and move on. You need to get to know a lot of people before you settle for one. It's very unwise to put all your hopes and dreams on every woman that speaks to you briefly.

[Zakar]

She's a female player - the kind of girl who lives to have guys fall in love with them. They don't do it on purpose, it just happens. Sorry man, but she was never "into" you. Guys do this kind of thing to girls all the time. We pull every slick move and say all the right things to win a girl's heart, then when the competition dries out, we move on to the next. We act like we're in love with the girl only so she falls in love with us. The only thing we ever have for her is perhaps a mild sexual lusting.

 

 

Either that or she was just really, really piss drunk. If she doesn't contact you within the next [time it takes to sober up] with a huge apology and beg for forgiveness, send her packing.

[WWDDFD]

I'm just so sick and tired of never having anyone to be with and it's turning me into a complete wreck. I can't even approach people anymore; every time I get rejected I just feel so much worse. It kills me to see the people I get turned down for too; I literally give everything in a relationship and never ever get anything back; but for some reason I always see women falling for the a**h***s who treat them like ****.

 

My last girlfriend left me for a player who already has a child by another woman who he's not even allowed to see; I told her she was being used for free housing and sex and he'd leave her the minute he found someone better who came along... and he did. I told her not to come crawling back to me to complain about him because she absolutely crushed me, but she did anyways and for my own sanity I had to completely ignore her.

 

 

It makes me wonder why I even bother. NO ONE has ever been interested in me. I'm ****ing 24 years old and I've not even kissed one girl in my life and every time this happens to me I just want to crawl into a little hole and hide from life forever. I know I have to stop doing that, but it's the only way I know I won't be hurt by anyone anymore.

[moimeme]

Why not just concentrate on getting out more and making friends of both genders? A lot of people are desperate to get a bf or gf but what they really long for is human companionship. You don't have to get that from a significant other.

 

Most people I know don't just go out with someone and find them to be their companion of choice. They go out with people once or twice, figure those people won't suit as partners, and then go out with more people. They don't get totally hung up on each person they go out with. You seem so needy and so desperate to have someone that you dump all your hopes and expectations on any female who comes into your circle and that's really not healthy.

 

IMHO, you need to quit hunting for a girlfriend and focus on going out and making friends for a while. Then you won't feel so alone and deserted if some girl isn't into you.

[WWDDFD]

Originally posted by moimeme

Why not just concentrate on getting out more and making friends of both genders? A lot of people are desperate to get a bf or gf but what they really long for is human companionship. You don't have to get that from a significant other.

 

Most people I know don't just go out with someone and find them to be their companion of choice. They go out with people once or twice, figure those people won't suit as partners, and then go out with more people. They don't get totally hung up on each person they go out with. You seem so needy and so desperate to have someone that you dump all your hopes and expectations on any female who comes into your circle and that's really not healthy.

 

IMHO, you need to quit hunting for a girlfriend and focus on going out and making friends for a while. Then you won't feel so alone and deserted if some girl isn't into you.

 

 

I know. I tell myself that all the time, but for some reason I just *always* end up developing feelings for my female friends, and I just don't know why.

 

 

 

Anyway, she messaged me while I was at work today:

 

[15:07] Her: eeks... sorry if I engaged in drunken instant message coversation yesterday

[15:07] Her: the karaoke bar was a little cah razy

[15:10] Her: hope all is well with you

 

 

 

I don't know what to think now. Should I stick to the "just friends and let her initiate anything" route?

[WWDDFD]

Oh and just to look at things from the other side:

 

She *did* tell me she was going to go out drinking with her mom that night,

and it was kind of cold out yesterday so biking would not have been very fun/comfortable anyways.

 

 

I left those things out because sometimes I have a bad habbit of rationalizing other people's inconsiderate behaviour against me and my friends told me to stop doing that, but I keep thinking about this and I think I freaked out over no reason at all.

[emra]

When you are looking for something, it may never find you.

Someday, when it is right, it will happen.

I do the same thing. I try to only find the worst in anything. Then after I rant and rave, i have to really remember what all was said and often I find I keep certain things out of it. Maybe so I can justify how I feel.

You need to find some security in yourself. NO ONE But you will find that.

Maybe you should call her and say lets go out. See where it goes from there.

It sounds to me like, you may lose yourself in a person, then you lose your self confidence and everything else. You need to figure out how to separate those things from the people you are seeing. And if something doesn't work out, don't take is as a personal assault. Take is as Lesson Learned.

Easier said then done, I know.

[ps123]

Bottom line is she said she'd call and she didn't, and she didn't give any good reason for not calling. Not a very good start . I'd be careful on this one. She sounds pretty flakey. Just don't get so wrapped up in wanting a relationship so badly that you overlook whats good for you and end up putting up with inconsiderate behavior.

However, I'm usually one to give people second chances so....

[Scangie]

Another comment from the female perspective -- girls don't like "bad" boys, they like guys that show confidence in themselves. If you get overinvolved too quickly, then most girls can sense you are looking to them to find your fulfillment. That is overwhelming and scary -- most women I know (myself included) would be out the door fast.

 

It's great to treat your girlfriends well, but still keep up your other friendships, outside interests, success at your job -- these qualities are more important to most women than slavish devotion to her.

[WWDDFD]

Sigh...

 

 

[23:19] Me: you never called the other day

[23:19] Her: was I supposed to?

[23:19] Her: eeks... I'm sorry

[23:20] Her: saturday I was kind of umm... hungover

[23:20] Me: nah, Friday

[23:20] Her: doh.... that's right

[23:20] Her: bikeriding

[23:20] Her: I'm a jerk ::hangs head lower::

[23:20] Me: awwww

[23:20] Me: it was cold anyways

[23:20] Her: I know! what the hell

[23:21] Me: but don't let it happen again!! RARRRR!

[23:21] Her: whatcha doing this week?

[23:21] Me: I'm not sure, actually. Just kinda making things up as I'm going

[23:21] Her: s'cool

 

 

 

Sigh...

 

Crushed yet once again.

 

 

Why the hell do people tell me things like "yeah I'll definitely call you and we'll go out at such-and-such time", and then ALWAYS forget?!!!

 

Why do people say things they don't mean? Why do they think it's ok to get my hopes up and then just destroy them? WHY?!!!

 

I'm so sick of everyone and everthing I just want to go away and never talk to anyone ever again

[moimeme]

She did ask what you were doing this week. That often means 'because I'd like to do something'. You brushed her off.

[jmargel]

WW.. you realize you two JUST went out for coffee. You aren't dating her. I've read your other threads, and you have a habit of putting your heart on your sleeve. I can tell that probably one of the most important things in your life is to feel loved by someone, yet you can't find it.

 

You are trying way to hard. First off, and this is from personal experience, don't find chicks on IM! Like Yahoo, MSN, etc.. I used those quite a bit, and truly there was only one female that was even relationship worthy. I don't want to offend anyone here, but most who use those IMs are people lacking something in their lives. Women find it a very fast ego boost on there. Put up a nice pic and you'll have 200 guys trying to chat with her. I found alot of them don't really care on who they are talking to but it's the flattery that they are after. Women love that kinda stuff.

 

Dude, when I was single I was burned by quite a few. A couple of them were 'fakes' (ie. had fakes pics, etc..) I dated one chick for about a month who used me as a rebound and the rest just had so much baggage you could open an airport.

 

I really don't think you have fallen for this chick, I think you have fallen for the feeling of being wanted. There is way more to life than online women. Trust me. You need to start doing things for yourself to make yourself happy. Everything else will fall into place.

 

When you constantly pursue a girl, like her, you are driving her away. She wants a challenge, but a chick who wants that will eventually leave anyways. You can only do so much challenging. And stop looking and analyzing everything she's said. She really doesn't owe you anything. So what she forgot to call, and so what she gave her number to another guy. You are not dating her. Do yourself a favor and don't use IM for the rest of the week. Instead do things outside the house.

[WWDDFD]

Originally posted by jmargel

WW.. you realize you two JUST went out for coffee. You aren't dating her. I've read your other threads, and you have a habit of putting your heart on your sleeve. I can tell that probably one of the most important things in your life is to feel loved by someone, yet you can't find it.

 

You are trying way to hard. First off, and this is from personal experience, don't find chicks on IM! Like Yahoo, MSN, etc.. I used those quite a bit, and truly there was only one female that was even relationship worthy. I don't want to offend anyone here, but most who use those IMs are people lacking something in their lives. Women find it a very fast ego boost on there. Put up a nice pic and you'll have 200 guys trying to chat with her. I found alot of them don't really care on who they are talking to but it's the flattery that they are after. Women love that kinda stuff.

 

Dude, when I was single I was burned by quite a few. A couple of them were 'fakes' (ie. had fakes pics, etc..) I dated one chick for about a month who used me as a rebound and the rest just had so much baggage you could open an airport.

 

I really don't think you have fallen for this chick, I think you have fallen for the feeling of being wanted. There is way more to life than online women. Trust me. You need to start doing things for yourself to make yourself happy. Everything else will fall into place.

 

When you constantly pursue a girl, like her, you are driving her away. She wants a challenge, but a chick who wants that will eventually leave anyways. You can only do so much challenging. And stop looking and analyzing everything she's said. She really doesn't owe you anything. So what she forgot to call, and so what she gave her number to another guy. You are not dating her. Do yourself a favor and don't use IM for the rest of the week. Instead do things outside the house.

 

 

I can't do that. I don't want to get into the reasons but I've been brainwashed so that I am literally incapable of actually initiating a conversation with someone in real life, or look anyone in the eyes. It's taken me years to be able to even talk to someone on the phone without sitting there and staring at the phone for 2 hours wondering if I should call or not... ugh.

 

 

Just forget it, I have serious problems and therapy just makes it worse because it makes me feel even worse, so I'm just going to have to bury myself in work again; it's the only damned thing I'm good at. I decided I'm going to start writing another book earlier today.

 

 

No one wants anything to do with an ugly abused guy (except to use me for my money and as a job reference) so I guess I shouldn't want anything to do with the rest of the world.

[moimeme]

Life is not an all-or-nothing thing. It's lived in grey areas. It's not going to work out if you expect people to fall in love with you immediately or if you expect women you just meet to fall hard for you, I'm afraid. This is no reason to give up. What you need to do, though it's harder to do by oneself, is learn to moderate - your wishes, your expectations, etc. The trick about life is learning it doesn't go the way you want it to and then figuring out how to adapt.

[johnnycab]

First of all my friend you are not alone, there are many guys, and girls who feel the same way. Im guessing your life hasnt seen much love or affection, its not your fault, we all need to be watered as human beings to feel worthy, and its seems if something comes yr way u cling on to it so hard it scares the other off.

My advice is this:

This girl is clearly not as into u as u r into her, and if u put yr heart into her and her and she doesnt reciprocate or respect you then **** her, shes not worth it.

One day out of nowhere u WILL meet someone, and when u do all this will seem like a waste of your time. Im sure u think u wont, but we all do. U seem like an ok guy, **** all those players, or cunts as i call them, yeah many women fall for those ****ers all the time, but any decent, caring good girl will see who u really are one day and love u as much as u love her.

Love recquires more patience than anything, but being in love makes you more impatient then anything.

As far as being ugly is concerned, its not imporant, uglyness and beauty is on the inside, and yr attitiude is a good one, dont worry.

Just be like the fonz, play it cool.

Johnnycab!

[jmargel]

I can't do that. I don't want to get into the reasons but I've been brainwashed so that I am literally incapable of actually initiating a conversation with someone in real life, or look anyone in the eyes. It's taken me years to be able to even talk to someone on the phone without sitting there and staring at the phone for 2 hours wondering if I should call or not... ugh.

 

 

Just forget it, I have serious problems and therapy just makes it worse because it makes me feel even worse, so I'm just going to have to bury myself in work again; it's the only damned thing I'm good at. I decided I'm going to start writing another book earlier today.

 

 

No one wants anything to do with an ugly abused guy (except to use me for my money and as a job reference) so I guess I shouldn't want anything to do with the rest of the world.

 

WW, what you need is a confidence booster. The best way to do that is to actually get into martial arts. It not only builds you up externally, but it does wonders internally. My ex beat me down pretty good emotionally, and I had alot of agression. Taking martial arts not only released my agression in a positive way, it also gave me confidence in alot of other ways too.

 

After my ex left, I was single for about 3 years. Like you I just kept meeting the wrong ones. It got extremely frustrating, but I learned I was putting alot of that pressure and frustration on myself. Every guy in this world has gotten turned down by a chick. Trust me.

 

You are looking in the wrong avenue for a relationship. Even before a relationship, you need to start out as friends. The couples that last are the ones that do this. Going from just meeting someone to a relationship doesn't work. There is no substance to back that relationship up. It's the friendship that does this. It's the friendship that kicks in when a relationship goes through rough times.

 

Burying yourself in work is ignoring the problem. Take small steps. You need to deal with how you were abused. If I don't mind asking, in what way were you? Physically, emotionally, verbally? This is still playing a big impact in your life.

 

I'm afraid when you get a girlfriend you are going to smother her, since you've been lacking so much of that in your life. That really isn't your fault, it's just a natural instinct to gather as much as you can where you have been deprived.

 

You're not a misfit or someone that no one wants. If I was single and wanted a good chick that was interested in ONLY me, the LAST place I would look would be online. In the years I went online to chat, I only found ONE who was relationship worthy. And I have chatted with a quite a few.

 

Also with online chatting, one only sees the 'good' side of a person usually. You miss so much by not having physical contact. You can only do so much talking. It gets stale after awhile. Keep your chin up, there are decent, attractive, single women out there who are in the same position as you.