Multiple DDays

[ladydesigner]

I am curious as to how many other BS's here have experienced multiple DDays. What are your reasons for why you stayed and at what point does it become a dealbreaker for you?

 

I am currently in R. My WH and I have both had A's. He has had multiple OW and I had a revenge affair. We both know about each others A's and everything is out in the open. I am in IC, he is in IC and we have attended MC in the past.

 

The first DDay I had I coped by having my own A. Didn't deal with it at all. I had huge amounts of resentment that just kept building and he kept crossing boundaries with other women. i think I turned a blind eye at this point and began drinking heavily. Every time I would catch something I would deal with it long enough for him to talk me back into the M. All of this affected our M, our intimacy, everything! I also had not disclosed my A at the time so I had huge emotional barriers up.

 

Fast forward to a year ago and I have the DDay of all DDays and with so much proof it made my head spin. Then I had 3 more DDays because of broken NC.

 

By my last DDay I was exhausted and done. I no longer wanted to be in M with someone who didn't care about my feelings and didn't respect our M. I wanted a divorce. Most importantly I didn't want our daughter to think it was okay for daddy to have a girlfriend (yes she knew because she intercepted texts on his phone ).

 

I started to see changes in him after our latest DDay, more positive, and he consistently has since been helping me and our M heal. I haven't found any broken NC...yet

 

My reason for staying after multiple DDays is because I see my WH fighting for our M harder than I am and I want to give him a chance to prove he can clean up his mess (his words).

 

The man I see today is not the man I married nor the man I knew while he was in the A, but I like the man who he is becoming. I really just want him to be happy and healthy.

 

I read a post on the OW board that inspired me to start this thread. A poster on there stated that the MM/MW actually jail themselves in and that the door is actually open. I feel that is so true because I never once begged or pleaded for my WH to stay. I told him to be with her and with every broken NC I couldn't figure out why he wanted to stay with me. It was absurd.

 

I have worked on my self-esteem to a point that I am okay with our M ending if it means both of us to be happy. On our last DDay I told my WH that I was okay with him going to be with MOW, that I wanted him to be happy. I told him he could have 50% custody and 50/50 split, nothing more nothing less. He stated he didn't want to leave and we have been in R since.

 

I am at a point where the D word isn't scary anymore . Should there be another A or another DDay with the same MOW then I'll know I gave our M one last fighting chance. I cannot control what he does, I can only control what I do and how I react to it. I plan on divorcing if another DDay were to occur. It would be clear as day that this is an issue my WH has and I cannot continue with a serial cheat.

[BetrayedH]

Multiple Ddays is sometimes a curious term to me. I envision the discovery of multiple affairs but a lot of folks list the discovery of trickle truth as a Dday as well (which I understand).

 

For me, I had the initial Dday. Then she confessed to broken NC once, I discovered it another time, then I discovered significant lies about the affair that she'd told throughout the R. That (and my reaction) did us in. I could easily critique my response to each of them. Hindsight and all that, you know?

 

As for you situation, you honestly sound like you're in a good place to me. You know your boundaries about big violations. If I learned anything though, it's that I didn't really have firm boundaries about "smaller" violations. For instance, the broken NC that I discovered was a 2-minute work-related phone call. After all I had been thru to reconcile, was I going to divorce over that? But at the same time, she broke her word to me by doing it and then hid the communication. It can be tough to identify your exact dealbreakers.

 

But it sounds healthy that you no longer have a fear of divorce. Too many people try to stay out of fear, guilt, or obligation. Make sure you're not doing that. And try to make sure your H isn't doing that. If you're both staying because you love each other and both think you can forgive and make it work, I'd say you're better off than most (which is pretty remarkable for madhatters).

 

Good luck to you.