Cam116 Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 So, I met this guy online. He was texting me ALOT before we met, we had good conversations and whatnot. Had a good, fun first date, but he was very hard to read. I couldn't tell afterwards if he was still interested because he wasn't contacting me as much (although before our date, I thought he was contacting TOO much to be honest), but we did go out for a second date about a week and a half later. Had a terrific second date, he seemed more relaxed and at ease. But afterwards, again, he wasn't texting quite as much. He is VERY busy with his job this time of year, does alot of traveling and stuff, so I figured maybe that's part of the reason for him not communicating quite as much. But he would still text me good morning here and there, and we hung out for a third date about a week after the second. Had a great time, again. After the third date, he had to leave for work again for a week and a half. He still texted when he got to his destination, we had some conversations over the weekend, but after that he was bombarded with work so I stopped reaching out to him in order to give him space to work. He's heading home today, and reached out this morning to let me know how the show went for work, and asked what I had been up to. We both have prior commitments for this weekend, but before he left for this past trip, he said that we will have to try to plan to hang out once we're both back in the area after the weekend. All fine and good, he's interested in a fourth date, but I sometimes feel that he reaches out to me alot more when he's out drinking. Now, he doesn't text and say things like "hey you should come over tonight", he just texts me alot more in general. I'm not sure if he wants to eventually turn this into something exclusive, which is something that I would need to ask him in time. I was advised to wait and see if *he* ends up bringing that conversation up after maybe a few more dates or so. So first question (which I think I already know the answer to): should I wait for *him* to eventually bring up that conversation? (if this even gets that far). I think right now, it's too soon for this to be exclusive, but again, it's been a while since I've dated. Honestly from my end, while I am having fun being single, I prefer to be committed to someone. I am extremely attracted to this guy, but I also don't want this to turn into a situation where we've gone out on 20 dates and haven't decided on titles. Second question: If a guy wasn't really interested, he wouldn't be reaching out, right? And if he was only looking for a booty call, he would only reach out saying things like "hey you should come over my place tonight" etc? I feel like he's interested in me to some degree, but again I just haven't dated in a while. I feel like a martian right now lol
BluEyeL Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 Hi, I think you need to calm down a little. I know the feelings you're experiencing, I've experienced them myself and potentially screwed up my chances with someone. Don't be impatient, or you'll damage things. I think three dates are too few/early to think/inquire about exclusivity. Try to control the tendency of your brain to project in the future. I'd say give it about two to three months of constant dates until sex and/or the exclusivity talk. And don't smother him, some people communicate less than others, if you are too persistent you might drive him away. Patience, and good luck! 1
Author Cam116 Posted April 18, 2013 Author Posted April 18, 2013 Yeah, I've been keeping my cool with him. Not pestering him and whatnot. I think it's a mixture of excitement/apprehension that's got me overthinking things a bit. I'm not losing sleep over anything, I'm just kinda like "what the hell do I do now?" I'm trying to think back to when my last ex and I got together, we became exclusive fairly quickly I think, so I'm kinda comparing this situation/timeframe with that one. We already did sleep together on third date....oops haha. But we both wanted it, I'm not overly concerned with that aspect. Like I said, I am having fun just trying to let things play out naturally, I guess I'm just a little apprehensive about all of this newness. Thanks for your response
BluEyeL Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 Yes, I agree with the above poster. Just slow down, calm down, it is a bit early, don't compare what happened with the last relationship. i think the reason you got impatient is because you had sex. Slow down a bit with that if you can, so you can keep your cool.
Author Cam116 Posted April 18, 2013 Author Posted April 18, 2013 Oh well I see you already had sex with him. I would definitely leave hte ball in his court as to having exclusivity talk, but honestly I wouldnt be holding my breath if I were you. Id try to steer any future dates into less sex and more activity/getting to know you, otherwise it might just become a casual hook up situation in his mind Yeah, I definitely don't want it to turn into a casual hook up thing. I don't think it seems that way, it's not like he's texting me just for me to come over to his place type of thing. I probably am a little antsy since we did already have sex. But it was great sex if that counts for anything lol. I certainly haven't closed myself off to anyone else as far as dating goes, I just really haven't been interested in any of the guys who have been reaching out to me. Thanks for your responses, I know I tend to overthink things. This is all very new, I was in a LTR for 5 years and forgot how the dating game goes hehe
BluEyeL Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 And still...it could become a FWB thing, be very careful. Don't have sex too often without any rules. I'd say stop the sex until you define the relationship. and it is t oo early to define it.
BluEyeL Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 I'm not saying say directly NO to sex, but set up the dates in such a way that you can't have sex for the next few ones.
Author Cam116 Posted April 18, 2013 Author Posted April 18, 2013 One thing you may not realize -- there is an whole breed of men out there who want whats bascailly a situation where you date/ hook up/have sex/ go out to eat, etc -- but you arent "boyfirend/girlriend". Some call it Friends With benefits, some call it "Casual dating". Its basically all the benefits of a dating relationship but without the comittment/emotional attachment (altho even that can come into play). So just b/c they arent overtly hitting you upf or sex, doesnt necessarily mean they want a committed relationship with you. Some guys like taking a woman out, dating her, having sex with her, but not having a lable or exclusivity. Basically what it boils down to you is your good enough for now, but not for long term. Just be careful not end up in one of these situations. if you are unsure of a man's intentions, then generally they arent intending a committing, exclusive relationship. if they want exclusivity/relationship they will make it known, providing you are doing your part in showing interest in them. ^THIS is what I'm concerned about. So when is the appropriate time to bring up the discussion of: "so where is this going?"? A couple of months? Or will I just know when the time is right to bring it up (if he doesn't first, obviously)?
BluEyeL Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 He has to bring it up, do not bring it up. And if you can, avoid having sex with him for at least 3 dates from now on. I know you want to, but you're screwing things up. I think you should feel when it is the right time. Now you feel it's the right time because you slept with him, but men don't feel that sex should come with exclusivity like we do, so I don't think he's as anxious as you. I'd say in general 2-3 months of constant dates, he should bring it up. If not, ask here again, I'll give you too a list of steps on how to manipulate him into possibly bringing it up
Author Cam116 Posted April 19, 2013 Author Posted April 19, 2013 He has to bring it up, do not bring it up. And if you can, avoid having sex with him for at least 3 dates from now on. I know you want to, but you're screwing things up. I think you should feel when it is the right time. Now you feel it's the right time because you slept with him, but men don't feel that sex should come with exclusivity like we do, so I don't think he's as anxious as you. I'd say in general 2-3 months of constant dates, he should bring it up. If not, ask here again, I'll give you too a list of steps on how to manipulate him into possibly bringing it up LOL well I don't want to trick someone into wanting to be with me! I know it was probably too soon for sex, but it felt right. And I wanted it. I don't necessarily think that NOW we should be exclusive because of that, I guess I'm just afraid that I could develop feelings down the road that aren't reciprocated because of misreading the signs. Or something. I definitely won't bring it up, and I am going to just let things play out as they will. Life is too short to be worried about small potatoes. Better keep telling myself that:D
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