Do I have to be a hard-a** about him moving out? (Hope this isn't a re-post)

[genuinelyloverly7]

I broke up with my live-in bf last weekend, and he is staying with me till he finds a place to stay. See my other post for more details, but my basic question is how hard do I have to be? It is winter in the Rockies, he moved here from the west coast to visit, then to stay and go to school and live and be with me...so he knows no-one out here, other than his counselor. We were together for almost 8 years on the WC, and 6 months more recently in the Rockies.

 

Teensy bit of back-story- I feel and believe that he is an unconsciously emotional abuser- very controlling of his environment (and me when I am in it- but never other ways), very EU- I mean very. I am emotionally exhausted from always caring then getting shut out all the time, or having to make sure he understands what I mean so he doesn't get upset or defensive... He is an otherwise great guy, and I know he loves me deeply, but he will not acknowledge his issues and how they cause us to have problems. He gets really hurt when I say he is abusive.

 

 

So should i kick him out cold, or put up with a little more while he finds a place? Set a deadline- and how long? I will already have my dad here when he leaves, because he is so hurt (even though that will make him more defensive and hurt...).

I feel miserable at the necessity of this, because we have been friends and lovers for so long, but he has said he will take the pup we got without my consent- I got her legally, but she was 'for him'. He doesn't care for her properly, so I said I was keeping her. He said she is like his child and he will take her. That is why dad is coming. But do I have to make it happen now? I just wanted it to end amicably... I guess that isn't possible wih a pet custody battle raging between us (just emotionally- not legally) I feel like I'm kicking my friend, even though he kicks me series, I don't want to!

[Infnitysign]

Checking your cell phone or email without permission

Constantly putting you down

Extreme jealousy or insecurity

Explosive temper

Isolating you from family or friends

Making false accusations

Mood swings

Physically hurting you in any way

Possessiveness

Telling you what to do

Repeatedly pressuring you to have sex

 

if he's like this yes be mean and kick him to the curb, but if these don't match his emotional abusive behavior i think you're going at this in all the wrong way.

[genuinelyloverly7]

He is a great guy most of the time, but he is totally emotionally unavailable, and unwilling to talk about or work on our relationship. I feel like I have been living with a roommate for the last 3 months. I believe in his love but see and experience his conscious unwillingness to do anything to help make it easier for us to communicate or work out disagreements. He has a tendency to psychologically bully me- 'what are you going to do about it?' That kind of thing. He is always critical of how I phrase things- he will ignore me if he doesn't feel like dealing with something.

 

The clincher was his first time pulling my hair in a mean way, and his treatment oh the dog- dog trainers verified that his way of dealing with her is indeed abusive (even though he doesn't do it to hurt her- it still does). And at the very least his way of non-training her sets her up for social problems. I don't want to take his friend, or kick him out, but after living with an angry roommate for three months who pays no rent, I am over it.

I know he is a workaholic; I accepted it when we tried to make our relationship work again. But when you interact with me in the hall or kitchen, don't tell me your too busy to say hello and give me a kiss. Don't tell me it's none of my business what college class your taking if you want to be my life partner. Even if I couldn't know about it (like top secret or something) you still don't have to be so short with me. I can get over an around a lot in a person, as long as they work with me. I will not be told to deal with something, not just for now but for the rest f my life? In my private home and heart of my happiness? No.

 

I want to stay friends with him- but don't want I put up with being ignored or told what to do all the time (he tells me how to be with dog, what to say when i pass on a message to his school. I forgot a piece of info once for his school, and he had me drive the 20 miles back to the school to tell the same lady the 'right thing.') but if I have a problem or just want to snuggle, tough luck. I don't want to kick him out, but am tired of not being able to take the dog on a walk because 'he is in charge of her', even though she still pees all in the house. Heck, I still wish we could work it out and be together, except he shows no interest in growing into a closer, more intimate and equal relationship.

 

He is awesome in a lot of ways- we are swingers, and how easy is it to find a guy who like it when you do other guys? I know how awesome he is in a lot of ways! But I cannot ignore his inability to have a real conversation on anything other than his time. He will say he loves me, then not kiss me for months at a time! He will never go to the store for me (its across the street literally) even if I'm sick, but 'can you go pick up pizza? Burgers? Cereal? Pastries and cheese sandwiches? Dog food? Batteries? Printer paper?' I ask him for sex, and he doesn't want it. I could go on.

And for the record, I appreciate the critique, because I know there is fault on my part and I would love work on them, but I wish this weren't happening! If he could say to me 'I have a temper, and I know i hurt you sometimes; I'm sorry, and I want to work on things with you.' Not, 'I'm busy, don't talk to me right now (for 3-5 months straight now!) when I try to tell him sorry, I acknowledge this problem of mine and am working on it, he barely even listens.

[Infnitysign]

I can say that I was once like that. Unsociable and lazy with my girlfriend and at the same time always want her around due to insecurities and it took me a lot of time to realise that i took her for granted.

 

It seems like the best thing you could do is take away your love from him and then he'll want what he can't have and then realise he messed up with a perfectly good girl like yourself.

 

Be mean and break his heart if you have to, just don't give him exscuses how you don't love him anymore.

 

He'll come around if he really loves you, then you'll probably see him on this forum trying to get you back and find ways to better himself.

 

Good luck and you've been too nice to him.

[genuinelyloverly7]

He has also gotten very verbally threatening in the heat I the fights. I don't think he would ever hurt me, but he talks very mean, then dares me to do something about it. I know this is hurt talking, but what do I do when he won't talk to me any other time about any other things? Read other post for more. He said the dog is like his child and he would take her regardless of my ownership, because he cares for her like a child. I understand that- it is ripping my heart out to do this to him, but he doesn't train her to do anything that will keep her out of trouble. She barks, nips, pees and poops in the house (though he says she only does this when I am home...) when she is doing something she shouldn't, he ignores her or gets all in her face with his and tells her she is going to get f@@ up. He has never hurt her, but has never taken her for a check up or to get her nails clipped either. And god forbid I do anything to/for her that he didn't ask me to do.

 

He is not abusive in the ways you list; maybe it is not abuse to be emotionally inaccessible or angry about anything that you get defensive about. Told me he will not change in heart or deed... And I do not think he is conscious about his need for control or else he doesn't care about it. He is chill, likes it when I go out, and doesn't care who I talk to! But NO Intimacy=No good for me!

 

I would be okay for him to stay for longer if he only didn't try to control how I take care of the dog- he won even let me train her to sit or not bark at all hours of the night. And we live in a rental apartment.

Okay, rant over...

[Infnitysign]

He's using the dog as a exscues to stay emotionaly attached to you and minipulating your words so he could just have something to bash at. If this dog is like a child to him why dont he treat it like his own child.

 

Some people don't know what is good until it's gone and you need to show him that when you're gone he wont have you anymore.

 

I know you don't want to lose him because you love him for what he "was" and you can't be holding onto something that you once loved.

[Arabellad25]

This guy sound just like my ex. He was Greek so had meditranean values.. I loved him a lot but his attitude towards me sucked.. Sounds to me like he is mentally abusing you to try and control you..Thats how he justifies his manliness. If hes anything like my ex then He most likely won't change & you either need to give in to the fact he acts that way & somewhat ignore it, get on with life & be happy in everything you do.. When he acts that way, simply ignore him?! And if you want to take the dog out or train it then do so.... ??????

 

On the other hand sounds like you've made the decision to split.. I'd say you could ask him to stay in a hotel for a week or so whil you gather your thoughts.. And it will give u both time to think without being in each others faces. He may realise he needs to change & come back a better man... X