mariar Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 I’m 32 and single. I haven’t had a serious relationship since I was 20. I’ve dated and had a couple short-term relationships, but nothing has lasted. It always ends because of me. I don’t think I’m asking for too much, just compatibility. An ex (from 12 years ago) said “Maybe you need to lower your standards a bit” the other day when we were catching up. The relationship I had with him lasted a couple years and was the best I’ve had. What I look for in someone: -Doesn’t smoke, do drugs or go to clubs ever -Doesn’t get drunk often, or at all -Doesn’t have kids -Preferably hasn’t been married -Hasn’t had sex with a lot of people, the less the better -Someone that I’m attracted to. I’m not that picky when it comes to looks but there does have to be an attraction. -And of course, someone that I get along with, have things in common with and that treats me good. I don’t ever smoke, do drugs, get drunk or go to clubs, I’ve had sex with 1 person, I don’t have any children and I’ve never been married. So I think it’s fair to want someone who shares my beliefs/opinions. Otherwise we’d always be fighting about something. But the thing is, I don’t have that much to offer someone. I can’t have my own children and I have a health condition that has stopped me from being able to adopt in the past. So no kids. I have horrible anxiety that prevents me from going out a lot. I have a hard time just going to the grocery store sometimes. So we wouldn’t do that much. (No, medications and therapy don’t fix everything so don’t mention the word therapy). And my sex drive is basically 0. I rarely want to have sex or do anything sexual (besides kissing). I’m not asexual, I just don’t have a sex drive. So nothing sexual, or rarely. Every guys dream…. I’m attractive and successful so I get dates easily, but they never go anywhere. I made an OKC dating profile and put on there was I was looking for and what I can (or can’t) offer. I put that because I wanted to weed through the people that wouldn’t be right for me. I got about 10 messages a week. 9 of them would say something like “You seem like a great woman, there is a lucky man out there somewhere.” And the other 1 would say “I’m not sure about dating someone like you but I might give it a try”. And those men were always the ones that didn’t fit what I was looking for. I don’t want a guy to settle for me. Because they will either resent me or leave when someone better comes along. But do I need to settle? The guys that seemed perfect all said something like “You’re almost perfect. Too bad you can’t have kids”.
Treasa Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 If you really want to be with someone, you might have to. Rather than lowering your standards, though, is it possible you could learn to be happy being single? I'm single and extremely happy. 5
BluEyeL Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 Based on what you told here, I think you should be a bit more flexibile with men with baggage, since you are bringing some baggage yourself. I think such a low sex drive is a big issue.
wheream_i Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 I’m 32 and single. I haven’t had a serious relationship since I was 20. I’ve dated and had a couple short-term relationships, but nothing has lasted. It always ends because of me. I don’t think I’m asking for too much, just compatibility. An ex (from 12 years ago) said “Maybe you need to lower your standards a bit” the other day when we were catching up. The relationship I had with him lasted a couple years and was the best I’ve had. What I look for in someone: -Doesn’t smoke, do drugs or go to clubs ever -Doesn’t get drunk often, or at all -Doesn’t have kids -Preferably hasn’t been married -Hasn’t had sex with a lot of people, the less the better -Someone that I’m attracted to. I’m not that picky when it comes to looks but there does have to be an attraction. -And of course, someone that I get along with, have things in common with and that treats me good. I don’t ever smoke, do drugs, get drunk or go to clubs, I’ve had sex with 1 person, I don’t have any children and I’ve never been married. So I think it’s fair to want someone who shares my beliefs/opinions. Otherwise we’d always be fighting about something. But the thing is, I don’t have that much to offer someone. I can’t have my own children and I have a health condition that has stopped me from being able to adopt in the past. So no kids. I have horrible anxiety that prevents me from going out a lot. I have a hard time just going to the grocery store sometimes. So we wouldn’t do that much. (No, medications and therapy don’t fix everything so don’t mention the word therapy). And my sex drive is basically 0. I rarely want to have sex or do anything sexual (besides kissing). I’m not asexual, I just don’t have a sex drive. So nothing sexual, or rarely. Every guys dream…. I’m attractive and successful so I get dates easily, but they never go anywhere. I made an OKC dating profile and put on there was I was looking for and what I can (or can’t) offer. I put that because I wanted to weed through the people that wouldn’t be right for me. I got about 10 messages a week. 9 of them would say something like “You seem like a great woman, there is a lucky man out there somewhere.” And the other 1 would say “I’m not sure about dating someone like you but I might give it a try”. And those men were always the ones that didn’t fit what I was looking for. I don’t want a guy to settle for me. Because they will either resent me or leave when someone better comes along. But do I need to settle? The guys that seemed perfect all said something like “You’re almost perfect. Too bad you can’t have kids”. I could get angry about this thread but I can also feel really bad for you. I don't mean that in a condescending way at all. This is always, always, always the case. "A man has to be this, this, that and the other. However, I don't have a single redeeming quality to offer because I don't have to." And then turn around and wonder why you can't find a man worth keeping. All the qualities you listed are not that bad. The only one I would scratch off is "never goes to clubs." Really? Come on, now. You can't ask that of anybody. Unless, they just flat out don't like the bar scene either. Hell, I'm tired of the bar scene myself, but I work in that environment so it's kind of out of my control. I'm really sorry about your condition but I wouldn't think it would be difficult to find a man who is not interested in having kids. And not having sex? Well, believe it or not, no matter what anyone tells you here, sex is an important part of a relationship. If the lack of sex drive is not medically related then, I don't know what to tell you other than yes, your standards are out of reach. Especially if you come across a man who, God forbid, happens to want sex and you label him a pervert, then times are always going to be tough for you in the dating department. 1
youngnlove89 Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 What I look for in someone: -Doesn’t smoke, do drugs or go to clubs ever -Doesn’t get drunk often, or at all -Doesn’t have kids -Preferably hasn’t been married -Hasn’t had sex with a lot of people, the less the better -Someone that I’m attracted to. I’m not that picky when it comes to looks but there does have to be an attraction. -And of course, someone that I get along with, have things in common with and that treats me good. You aren't asking for a lot. You are asking for what makes you happy. Why is that not okay? It's more than okay to be picky when deciding on someone you want to spend THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH. That's huge. Marriage is already rough enough and to settle for someone just because you are afraid of not finding someone to your standards? Jesh. This is why 50% of marriages end in divorce, because someone settled. I've never heard anyone say, "Boy, I should've settled more. I really should've lowered my standards." What I hear more is, "What was I thinking? I should've known better." Why does being picky carry such a negative response? When people compromise their standards, they do so because of loneliness and feeling pressured to find someone now, to get married now and have kids now, before it's "too late". And then suddenly it becomes about what you stand to lose rather than who you are actually dating. Here's the thing about being picky: it's knowing what you want, forcing you to have high self-esteem, to not settle for less than you deserve, and in all that you build a great connection with your own self: you build your own voice of what you want and what works for you. Yeah, it does take patience and some time to find the ideal person, but it's one of those instances when it's totally worth it. Instead of trying to find someone who's going to "work," you're searching for someone who's going to mesmerize you. That's what it is all about. Having someone who makes your heart jump out of your chest, gives you butterflies, makes your cheeks hurt from smiling so much, makes your knees weak when you see them and just turns you into this giddy googly-eyed girl because you are just so happy. If you can get into that spirit, the process itself of finding that person becomes exciting in its own way.
BluEyeL Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 I think at 32 and not being able to have kids, plus low sex drive, plus agoraphobia (sorry if it's not that) might be considering accepting someone mesmerizing, but who was married before and/or had kids. Why not expanding your chances to find someone with great character but who was married and/or had kids? 1
Leegh Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 When you meet someone that you are attracted to, your sex drive will probably increase. Most women do not have a high sex drive for a man that they are not attracted to. When I am not in a relationship, I do not really think about sex that much, but it is totally different if I am "in love" with someone. 1
Joaquin Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 All sounds like a list if excuses. When you meet someone you fancy youll compromise on things u never thought were compromisable. We all do. 2
Author mariar Posted April 18, 2013 Author Posted April 18, 2013 Rather than lowering your standards, though, is it possible you could learn to be happy being single? I'm single and extremely happy. I couldn't be happy always being single. I'm not miserable or desperate. But the thought of being alone forever would definitely make me miserable. I'm happy with my life, but there is one part that is missing. A partner. I'm not the type of person that could be happy always being single. I like being with someone. I could get angry about this thread but I can also feel really bad for you. I don't mean that in a condescending way at all. This is always, always, always the case. The only one I would scratch off is "never goes to clubs." Really? Come on, now. You can't ask that of anybody. Well, believe it or not, no matter what anyone tells you here, sex is an important part of a relationship. Especially if you come across a man who, God forbid, happens to want sex and you label him a pervert, then times are always going to be tough for you in the dating department. When did I say "A man has to be this, this, that and the other. However, I don't have a single redeeming quality to offer because I don't have to."? When did I say I don't have to? I don't have a single good quality? Are you kidding me? I'm not looking for a super hot, athletic, educated, successful, high income man. Honestly, it is easy to find someone who doesn't like clubs. There is no reason to go to them. Contrary to popular belief not everyone likes clubs. I've tried dating the smoker, drugie, alcoholic, clubber, partier, the guy who has slept around a lot, the man with children or an ex-wife. It all goes downhill fast. If everything else was good I would probably settle for someone who slept around or was married. The best relationship I had was with someone who slept around a lot. But it was an issue in our relationship. Despite what is true for YOU, sex doesn't have to be the most important part of a relationship. I was in a 2 year relationship that was sexless, but great. He had a normal sex drive, but we were just fine. What is true for you isn't true for everyone. Again, when did I say men who want sex are perverts? You need to stop jumping to conclusions. I have never said or thought that in my life. Why not expanding your chances to find someone with great character but who was married and/or had kids? I'd consider someone who was married, depending on the circumstances. I'd prefer not to, but would consider it. Kids are something I don't want to deal with. I've tried it before and it didn't work for personal reasons and drama from the other woman. When you meet someone that you are attracted to, your sex drive will probably increase. No, it won't. I have been in love and have been very attracted to certain people. My sex drive doesn't increase. All that changes when I'm in a relationship is that I want to want to have sex. But my sex drive never increases. When you meet someone you fancy youll compromise on things u never thought were compromisable. We all do. And that is why the divorce rate is so high. I have been with men who had "qualities" that I didn't want. In my best relationship the guy had qualities I didn't like. He had slept around a lot, partied and smoked weed occasionally. Him sleeping around I decided I could handle but I hated it. He meant everything to me and I was definitely in love with him, but I would never have been okay with the drug use no matter how infrequently. Stop puting all your drama out there I'm not putting my drama out there. It's not drama. It is who I AM. If I don't put those things then I get 20+ messages a day. How am I supposed to weed through those people? Almost all of them wouldn't date me. I tried dating guys that had no clue for years. As soon as they find out I don't hear from them again. You have no idea how tiring it is dating men that you know are going to walk out as soon as they find out who you really are. Getting rejected by a few people, whatever. But getting rejected by dozens of people, not so easy to deal with. I can't respond to the rest of what you wrote because I couldn't understand what you were saying.
Treasa Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 What are the really great things about you that you can offer a guy? I agree that the sex thing and not liking to go out thing aren't dealbreakers in and of themselves, but in combination...some men just wouldn't want to deal with it. I understand the anxiety thing, but a lot of people have a low tolerance for it. So what makes you awesome?
soccerrprp Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 Does your low sex drive have anything to do with your naturally ability to have children? You can't adopt b/c of this ailment? Diagnosed severe anxiety as you explained likely the reason, right? What of this low sex drive? Anything that you can do about this? Medical, physiological reason for this? There are men out there that don't want children. They're out there. On OKC you can search based on those who don't have children and don't want them. I think I'm right about this. In the end, when you are happy with yourself, you will find happiness. But it also sounds like you want a relationship. When you say low sex drive, is this to initiate sex? You clearly have had it so, what happens when a guy initiates and you are engaged in it? How was your relationship with the guy you were with for 2-years? Sex? Why did you break up? It seems that you two are still communicating, so he saw something in you that was valuable and still does. Sorry. Good luck. I hope you can figure some things out. 1
soccerrprp Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 she seemed superb until that little part about that lack of sex drive. But was she always this way? She had a 2-yr relationship. How did that go? Surely this guy didn't hang around for 2-yrs w/o sex unless he also had a low sex drive and they were just "keeping each company" most of the time.
ltjg45 Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 Like others, I would have no issues dating you if you are attractive (and I'm sure you are) until I saw the "low sex drive" part. Everything else, I meet those with flying colors. Even the "never went to a club" part. But the "low sex drive" is a huge red flag for me. Considering I'm a virgin at my age of 26, I want to start catching up sexually, not get any sex at all.
waiting4u Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 If you really want to be with someone, you might have to. Rather than lowering your standards, though, is it possible you could learn to be happy being single? I'm single and extremely happy. This is seriously good advice. You won't need to lower your standards if you are content being with yourself. Plus they always say you find someone when you aren't looking - although that shouldn't really be your motivation here. We all want to be loved and be in a relationship, but when you feel like you 'need' to be, then that's a problem. Come to terms with growing old all alone and never finding a soul mate. Once you are comfortable with that, then you're ready to date. 1
iris219 Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 I'm going to be honest with you: you will need to lower your standards or learn to be happy being alone. Being 32 and single is HARD. I know because I was there (I'm 34 now). I had pretty much everything going for me (and I had a sex drive and no issues like anxiety) and I couldn't find ANYONE, much less someone who hadn't been married or who didn't have kids. I had just about the least amount of issues, problems, baggage of anyone I've ever met, and yet I couldn't find a man, even after lowering my standards. And I had a lot to offer. It's going to be hard to find a man who's OK with not having much sex. Are you willing to have sex even though you don't really want to? That doesn't sound fun, I know. Why do you want a man? If it wasn't for sex and my desire to have children, I'd be perfectly happy alone. On a side note, if you truly have no sex drive, why do you care if the guy is attractive? 1
soccerrprp Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 On a side note, if you truly have no sex drive, why do you care if the guy is attractive? Hmm, good question. You want that YUMMY cake and eat it too! You feel that you are attractive and you want an attractive man in turn. Why? It seems to me that considering that you don't want sex, it must be for EYE CANDY, a TROPHY. I have to chime in and say that no man wants to be in a sexless relationship. That is, no man is looking for one... Do you have a sexual attraction to the men you want to date? Do you think about how it would be to be in bed with him? Likely not, huh? Try to find out what's up with the low drive.
grkBoy Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 Mariar, my feeling is you are not too unrealistic, but I would reconsider these: -Doesn’t have kids -Preferably hasn’t been married It's no better than when men cry and complain how they go dating and they meet loads of single moms. Now if you're simply someone who never wants to deal with kids, then I suggest you look into dating sites for the childfree. As for your condition, I think it wouldn't bother a man who simply doesn't want children in his life. Lack of sex drive though might become an issue. I think in many ways, and you might disagree, you should seriously think about the "nice guy" who perhaps isn't all that exciting and thus isn't demanding too much out of a woman.
Recommended Posts