kittymow Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 Hello internet world, I am a recent graduate, I've been dating a boy for about 2 years and we've been very happy. We were planning to take the next step in our relationship this summer and move in together. We've been going through a rough patch lately, and he has grown increasingly distant. We fought a little more than usual, and I know some of it is my fault because I've been really stressed out looking for a new job, and figuring out where were going to live this summer. I didn't think it was anything too serious, but I knew I had to get my **** together and work on improving my state of mind and self esteem and have been doing so to the best of my ability. Last night however, despite our big plans for after the summer of moving down south and starting a new life together, he told me he was no longer sure he wanted to make plans together, and didn't want to risk hurting me if it didn't work out. How ever he still wants to move in with me this summer and said he was looking forward to creating a home together, coming home to me everyday, etc. I told him I wouldn't date him with an expiration date, and it hurt more that he was too scared to take a chance with me, and would rather give up on everything at the end of the summer. I told him it was normal to be unsure, but he kept saying he felt like it would be a domino effect if we made a big move together like that, and there would be too much pressure to get married. We are young. I understand that we don't have everything figured out yet. but we have taken everything very slow and made responsible decisions together throughout this relationship. I don't think it's unreasonable to have thought about marriage, which we have talked about and both agree that we are compatible, that we would make good parents, etc. He tells me he doesn't want to break up, he just doesn't want to be committed, I feel like this came out of no where. We even took a trip down south together for 10 days recently and had a great time visiting the cities we might end up in. I understand he is nervous, about getting a real job and starting his life. I thought I would be there to help him through it like he helped me. I've stood by him through every step of his career and school. When he had to move 2 hours away for six months, when he traveled through Europe for 3 months last summer and I barely spoke to him. I feel like I've supported him through everything, and now he has lost all hope in me. Last night I tried to end things, but it's hard when neither person really wants it. It's almost like we are just prolonging the inevitable. I'm not sure if I should run or stay. I don't think i should have to convince someone to want to be with me. I love him, our friends, and his family very much and it will be an extremely difficult transition for me. I just don't know what else to do.
maiden555 Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 That's a really tough one. My 3 serious relationships all ended because some part of them got spooked when things got serious and they felt like marriage or moving together was the next step. The first two ended up seriously regretting their freakout, and they later begged to have me back. (The last one just happened in January so we'll see, heh ) It just really sucks when you're in your 20s and trying to figure out the HUGE questions of where you want to be and what you want do be doing with your life, that when you add the variable of WHO you want to do it with, it's hard to balance. I've seen in my friends' experiences too the same thing - a great relationship that just gets derailed because someone or both want to experience new things and figure out their best life. Personally, I always value the relationship over the rest of my life, which isn't necessarily healthy. But it made it hurt that much more because it felt like the guys didn't value me enough. It broke my heart. I would try not to take it personally, as this situation is common for young people. I know how hard it is when you both have something great and it seems to be like no good reason for breaking up. Try to think about what you really want, making your life as good as possible as a single person, and then when that's solid, adding someone onto that. Maybe it will work out with you guys down the road. A lot of times I find guys are impulsive with this freaking out, then after some introspection realize they really do want to be with you. 1
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