shethrewitawaay Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 Ok, so this is posted around the internet. i'm trying to get as much input as possible. if you want to see everything, look this name up on reddit. To address a common misunderstanding about us people are making...The making her talk issue. I have been called controlling and other things. Her longest relationship was because the bf would make them talk. She was grateful to him about it, and has thanked me, though not this time, for making her talk stuff out with me. During our relationship maintenance talks(for lack of a better description), don't tell me people don't have them, she will have panic attacks and be unable to talk. and it doesn't even have to be a pressing issue. she just shuts down. Wow, Background. OK where to start? First she's(25) on Reddit and i(31) know will see this. Throw Away account or not. What I am asking for on here is your similar experience. How did it turn out? What should I do? Is there any way to salvage ourselves? Advice for me? For her? I love her and don't want to just give up on us. It seems she wants to. For more information see posts in R/Adoption and R/Breakups. She was with someone when i met her. They broke up because she wanted an open relationship. I almost immediately started dating her. I knew she was looking more for an open relationship, and she knew i wanted a monogamous one. Well, we fell in love 4mo in, and I suppose she settled some for me. I'm not good at communication, and she's worse. Because of this, a minor issue of me being around to much turns into a big problem. She didn't say anything about it. Just slowly started resenting me and pulling away. This has gone on at least the last 2 months, although i can't exactly pinpoint when i noticed her being different. This had been an issue before. On my part I gave her a little space, then we would be together again. She would tell me to stay, and if i would ask her if i should go she would say no. I specifically told her, coincidentally, around the time she probably started resenting me, that i couldn't read her mind, and that i was going to stop asking all the time. I find out later that I was just supposed to go sometimes even when she asked me to stay. So in my mind, this is no issue, yet she is starting to pull away and be distant, and stops filling me in on her life, and starts ignoring texts, and going out all night. I in no way think she cheated, so that's not what's going on there. This happens progressively more as time goes on. So about 2 weeks ago I came in, (I was essentially living at her place at this point) after work all and was bringing in groceries. She barely acknowledged me, and didn't move to help. I blew up. I had just recently finally found full time work, and prior to this had taken care of everything for her because i had the time. I still took care of most of it even after my new job. I never asked for help. I realize I expected her to read my mind , and know to help. And then suddenly Pandora's Box opens. I see it like this: I go away more, get more of a separate life. She doesn't resent me for being around as much. Things go back to normal. I get this: She throws up numerous topics over the last two weeks. I basically have to sit her down and force her to talk to me. She slowly opens up, and keeps giving BS excuses for wanting to break up. Essentially she threw up a huge smokescreen. After i get through this, she goes right into something that she knows is a deal breaker for me, trying to scare me off. Finally I hit it. I get to the root problem. She has deep seated issues with being adopted and doesn't feel like she can be in a relationship, no matter how badly she wants one. She knows she needs help, but says she's not ready to face her demons. I want so badly to be there for her. She's told me this is the best relationship she's ever been in. I do my best to treat her like a queen. Yet, she wants to abandon me, try to struggle through her adoption issues on her own, and then later maybe have a relationship with someone else. I've told her that I am more than willing to be her guinea pig for her therapy. That I know it will be hard and I can take what she can dish, as long as I know the End Game. That I want her, and this doesn't have to destroy something we both obviously value so highly. Advice Please. TL;DR; Girlfriend has been slowly pulling away, and resenting me. I just found out why. She was adopted and has major issues with it. She would rather be alone the rest of her life, (one of her worst fears) than face herself and what makes her so miserable.
geegirl Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 three words: Borderline personality disorder Look it up. Without disclosing too much personally, I have gone through some things which are remarkable similar goodluck with your recovery Mutant, the in-house psychotherapist! I thought that was my job 1
Author shethrewitawaay Posted April 18, 2013 Author Posted April 18, 2013 me or her? i'm confused as to who you mean
clia Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 I think the adoption thing is an excuse. She clearly doesn't want to be in a relationship with you and is throwing as much crap at the wall as she can in an effort to get rid of you. She tried every excuse in the book, has told you she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, and then went for the big one. But you aren't listening. How much more clear can she be? Ok, so this is posted around the internet. i'm trying to get as much input as possible. if you want to see everything, look this name up on reddit. To address a common misunderstanding about us people are making...The making her talk issue. I have been called controlling and other things. Her longest relationship was because the bf would make them talk. She was grateful to him about it, and has thanked me, though not this time, for making her talk stuff out with me. During our relationship maintenance talks(for lack of a better description), don't tell me people don't have them, she will have panic attacks and be unable to talk. and it doesn't even have to be a pressing issue. she just shuts down. Wow, Background. OK where to start? First she's(25) on Reddit and i(31) know will see this. Throw Away account or not. What I am asking for on here is your similar experience. How did it turn out? What should I do? Is there any way to salvage ourselves? Advice for me? For her? I love her and don't want to just give up on us. It seems she wants to. For more information see posts in R/Adoption and R/Breakups. She was with someone when i met her. They broke up because she wanted an open relationship. I almost immediately started dating her. I knew she was looking more for an open relationship, and she knew i wanted a monogamous one. Well, we fell in love 4mo in, and I suppose she settled some for me. I'm not good at communication, and she's worse. Because of this, a minor issue of me being around to much turns into a big problem. She didn't say anything about it. Just slowly started resenting me and pulling away. This has gone on at least the last 2 months, although i can't exactly pinpoint when i noticed her being different. This had been an issue before. On my part I gave her a little space, then we would be together again. She would tell me to stay, and if i would ask her if i should go she would say no. I specifically told her, coincidentally, around the time she probably started resenting me, that i couldn't read her mind, and that i was going to stop asking all the time. I find out later that I was just supposed to go sometimes even when she asked me to stay. So in my mind, this is no issue, yet she is starting to pull away and be distant, and stops filling me in on her life, and starts ignoring texts, and going out all night. I in no way think she cheated, so that's not what's going on there. This happens progressively more as time goes on. So about 2 weeks ago I came in, (I was essentially living at her place at this point) after work all and was bringing in groceries. She barely acknowledged me, and didn't move to help. I blew up. I had just recently finally found full time work, and prior to this had taken care of everything for her because i had the time. I still took care of most of it even after my new job. I never asked for help. I realize I expected her to read my mind , and know to help. And then suddenly Pandora's Box opens. I see it like this: I go away more, get more of a separate life. She doesn't resent me for being around as much. Things go back to normal. I get this: She throws up numerous topics over the last two weeks. I basically have to sit her down and force her to talk to me. She slowly opens up, and keeps giving BS excuses for wanting to break up. Essentially she threw up a huge smokescreen. After i get through this, she goes right into something that she knows is a deal breaker for me, trying to scare me off. Finally I hit it. I get to the root problem. She has deep seated issues with being adopted and doesn't feel like she can be in a relationship, no matter how badly she wants one. She knows she needs help, but says she's not ready to face her demons. I want so badly to be there for her. She's told me this is the best relationship she's ever been in. I do my best to treat her like a queen. Yet, she wants to abandon me, try to struggle through her adoption issues on her own, and then later maybe have a relationship with someone else. I've told her that I am more than willing to be her guinea pig for her therapy. That I know it will be hard and I can take what she can dish, as long as I know the End Game. That I want her, and this doesn't have to destroy something we both obviously value so highly. Advice Please. TL;DR; Girlfriend has been slowly pulling away, and resenting me. I just found out why. She was adopted and has major issues with it. She would rather be alone the rest of her life, (one of her worst fears) than face herself and what makes her so miserable. In case you still don't get it, she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. Please let her go.
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