grace777 Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 So I've been on here since Jan. Feel free to look back at my story. The very brief synopsis is that I was in a 3+ year relationship with a woman who I thought I'd marry. She left me, suddenly, for someone else. Lots of circumstances play into this scenario, but I was devastated. This was Oct. 1st. I've been all over the board, in terms of the "stages" but now I'm finally good. I've been talking to another girl, who is simply amazing. She lives across the country now, but moves to my city in a month. I was on no contact, then little contact with my ex. So much has gone down (**** - see the other threads) but anyways, we chatted via fb chat the other day. She asked about this girl. I told her we're still in contact and she's moving to my state soon. I then told her that she's at Harvard Med School to finish up her psychiatry degree before she moves (yeah, she's a badass). My ex wished me well in the prospective relationship. A week later - yesterday - she texts me. She's all upset because the relationship with the girl she left me for isn't working out. Also, it's taking a toll on her livelyhood. I'm glad she wants to talk to me, but I'm not sure why she is. I guess I'm wondering if it's because she's trying to reel me in, because she's jealous of what my new girl has to offer? Or is she just seriously distraught? I don't know how to respond to this. I care so much for my ex still, but I also don't want to get roped in - if that's her intention. Thoughts..?? 1
SalientPoint Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 Yeah dude, definitely trying to reel you in. If she's trying to get all up in the communication now after you've finally moved on and she initially left you for someone else, no sincere feeling can come of that. I honestly feel as girls into girls, sometimes there's more subconcious expectations due to stereotypes that we should be friends with all our ex's (I'm only friends with maybe one or two from my high school days) that sometimes spurs this thinking on when there's really no need. I say forget her and proceed with hottie psychiatrist.
lavenderlove Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 I think you should focus on this new girl. Use this one month you have before she moves over to your city to remove everything to do with your ex from your life. Give miss new Wonderful a fresh clean start. My Ex is behaving a bit strange also, because he can see that I am moving on. I went to pick up the very last remaining of my belongings from his place, and the next day dropped off a gift for me at work...how random is that???? This is the point when they start to realise what they lost. Just the idea that you are not lying on a heap crying and missing them bothers them a little. Don't pay attention to it, you have much better things to look forward to.
TaraMaiden Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 I guess I'm wondering if it's because she's trying to reel me in, because she's jealous of what my new girl has to offer? Or is she just seriously distraught? I don't know how to respond to this. I care so much for my ex still, but I also don't want to get roped in - if that's her intention. Thoughts..?? Be distant. You're in a new relationship and you owe it to your new GF to not allow yourself to be distracted. it's grossly unfair of your ex to do this, and intentional or not, it IS manipulative. Sympathise with her. Tell her you're very sad things didn't work out, but then change the subject and say that you're very happy now, and you're looking forward to your GF moving to your city, so you hope she (your ex-) finds something equally as fulfilling. End with "I wish you well." and leave it at that.
Author grace777 Posted April 18, 2013 Author Posted April 18, 2013 Thanks for the advice, all of you. I'm not in a new relationship, but this connection has potential. We're just dating. However, Tara, your advice stands. I guess I'm just wondering why, now, she's reaching out. Is it a coincidence that her relationship is having complications, while simultaneously I'm about to embark on a great (possible) relationship? Or is it that she knows I'm actually over her and wants to keep me in the spot in which I've been for so long? I don't know. And Tara - on another note - I have an awesome lips photo I'd like to give you. How can I send it to you on this site? Or I can just tell you where I got it. But I think you'd dig it for sure.
Author grace777 Posted April 18, 2013 Author Posted April 18, 2013 Gotta be honest, Tara - not a fan of this latest photo --- it grosses me out!
SalientPoint Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 I guess I'm just wondering why, now, she's reaching out. Is it a coincidence that her relationship is having complications, while simultaneously I'm about to embark on a great (possible) relationship? Or is it that she knows I'm actually over her and wants to keep me in the spot in which I've been for so long? I don't know. It's probably both. Women have a knack for this. We're pretty intutive 1
TaraMaiden Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 Thanks for the advice, all of you. I'm not in a new relationship, but this connection has potential. We're just dating. However, Tara, your advice stands. I guess I'm just wondering why, now, she's reaching out. Is it a coincidence that her relationship is having complications, while simultaneously I'm about to embark on a great (possible) relationship? Or is it that she knows I'm actually over her and wants to keep me in the spot in which I've been for so long? I don't know. I'm sure it's not deliberate, and she would deny it, protesting that she's just reaching out for some support - but TBH, I think it's a definite dose of both, I agree with SalientPoint.... And that is why you have to generate a certain amount of coldness with your sympathy.... because much as you care, it's fairer, particularly on you, to keep her at arm's length..... And Tara - on another note - I have an awesome lips photo I'd like to give you. How can I send it to you on this site? Or I can just tell you where I got it. But I think you'd dig it for sure. PM me if you can - gimme the link! Gotta be honest, Tara - not a fan of this latest photo --- it grosses me out! Yeah, they're not my favourite either, but I change it weekly! However, I may be persuaded to alter that 'rule' if the ones you wanna show me are awesome!!
cavalier99 Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 Ha. So funny how the tables turn. Dont go all soft on me now and self sabatoge this good thing you have going with new girl. Well soft wasnt the right word...over confident. Your Achilles heel! Lol There is a preety good chance as d day approaches (new girls arrival) that she is going to make some sort of push to either get you back or to get you to capitulate and know that you would take her back! Dont f*ck up now. This is one of those time to tread very carefully. I know you care for you for your ex but id be really distant if available at all untill all is settled with new girl. Rock on! Cav
siankat Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 So I've been on here since Jan. Feel free to look back at my story. The very brief synopsis is that I was in a 3+ year relationship with a woman who I thought I'd marry. She left me, suddenly, for someone else. Lots of circumstances play into this scenario, but I was devastated. This was Oct. 1st. I've been all over the board, in terms of the "stages" but now I'm finally good. I've been talking to another girl, who is simply amazing. She lives across the country now, but moves to my city in a month. I was on no contact, then little contact with my ex. So much has gone down (**** - see the other threads) but anyways, we chatted via fb chat the other day. She asked about this girl. I told her we're still in contact and she's moving to my state soon. I then told her that she's at Harvard Med School to finish up her psychiatry degree before she moves (yeah, she's a badass). My ex wished me well in the prospective relationship. A week later - yesterday - she texts me. She's all upset because the relationship with the girl she left me for isn't working out. Also, it's taking a toll on her livelyhood. I'm glad she wants to talk to me, but I'm not sure why she is. I guess I'm wondering if it's because she's trying to reel me in, because she's jealous of what my new girl has to offer? Or is she just seriously distraught? I don't know how to respond to this. I care so much for my ex still, but I also don't want to get roped in - if that's her intention. Thoughts..?? If it becomes a choice of loving you or your ex, always choose you. I think you have suffered enough, without her help. Her issues are solvable alone but you are an easy crutch. Any contact will just be detrimental to your recovery and the new relationship you are embarking on. Choice is yours. Hope you don't lose out because you put her needs before your own. Remember you owe her nothing. So anything you do give, is always gonna be gravy.
cavalier99 Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 hmm i was thinking more about this. So "you were just chatting on FB the othe day". Bad girl! I know you! Things are going well for you so you just happen to start up a chat with her. Listen senoitia badass over confident.. you dont need to share this stuff with you ex now. You are poking her with a big stick. Dont get stung. Ok. Your friend Cav
Author grace777 Posted April 18, 2013 Author Posted April 18, 2013 Hahaha - Cav, you know me too well! I was confident and kind of wanted to just "catch up" and also let her know that the new girl is a f-ing psychiatrist graduating from harvard med school!! rubbin it in! but yeah, I did poke around and now I'm worried cuz my poking got a reaction. And I don't want to get drawn in. I pretty much just accepted that a part of me will always love a piece of her. Sooo, I don't want to lose myself in this...right before d-day (as you call it - I like that!). Yeah, probably my fault for planting the seed. But her fault for reaching out harder now than ever before in the last 6 months. So, okay, keep my distance... 1
Am4Real Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 Well doesn't that tidbit of information change the entire story. Looks like you were the one to begin the manipulative stages with a "throw it in your face" news release. Hoping to spawn jealously or have her come back? Let's be honest here! Hahaha - Cav, you know me too well! I was confident and kind of wanted to just "catch up" and also let her know that the new girl is a f-ing psychiatrist graduating from harvard med school!! rubbin it in! but yeah, I did poke around and now I'm worried cuz my poking got a reaction. And I don't want to get drawn in. I pretty much just accepted that a part of me will always love a piece of her. Sooo, I don't want to lose myself in this...right before d-day (as you call it - I like that!). Yeah, probably my fault for planting the seed. But her fault for reaching out harder now than ever before in the last 6 months. So, okay, keep my distance...
cavalier99 Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 Ps My BU was Oct 3rd. Last day i saw her or talked to her after 8 years. Funny how we are on the same trajectory and time line and both are starting up with new girls. Maybe there is really is something to this whole thing of taking about 6 months to get indifferent especially with pure NC in my case. Hmm. Weird. 1
TaraMaiden Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 Breaking NC is opening up a can of worms. # Worms that can turn out to be vipers...... Oooh dear..... Yeah, you really do need to implement the damage Limitation strategy. So you 'got chatting' on FB, but you didn't expect this turn of events, even though it might look as if you invited complete transparency. Go with 'the plan' I outlined, above. And hope to goodness it is sufficient to dissuade further boundary-crossing in future. And quit the chatting! 1
Author grace777 Posted April 18, 2013 Author Posted April 18, 2013 AM - Not trying to get her back. But maybe trying to let her see that I'm moving on...
destroyed4sho Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 How did u meet new girl half way across the country? Your is a real piece of work. She wants to keep you around just in case her current relayionship doesnt work out. You have to go NC grace!! its time. 1
Am4Real Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 Grace, cut the crap, please. You don't call an EX to let them know you are moving on, you call or chat with an EX to give such an impression hoping to raise jealousy. You're entering into a game here that can have disastrous outcomes for you. Sorry to be harsh, but I don't think you're being straight with us. Leave your EX alone. If you want her back tell her in plain English and see what happens, if you will. However, playing "information distributor" is bound to bite you. Let me find a post I just made in another thread that might give you some insight. Sorry Grace, I'm just calling it the way I'm reading it. AM - Not trying to get her back. But maybe trying to let her see that I'm moving on...
Am4Real Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 Grace, Read this post regarding communications from EX's post b/u LINK to POST
cavalier99 Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 (edited) Ooops. Guess I opened a can of worms for you. Lol Sorry. Now TaraMaiden, destroyed, and AM have been sicked on you. And they dont seem to let up let up like me. Haha. Lol Cav Edited April 18, 2013 by cavalier99
Author grace777 Posted April 18, 2013 Author Posted April 18, 2013 AM - I don't want her back. And I didn't contact her. She contacted me. We have actually never been 100% NC. Although I did that for a couple of months. It's been a long time, and after her latest antics of popping in at my work unannounced (w/ her gf - see earlier posts), we began talking. Albeit a few weeks after that incident. Let me be clear, I do not want her back and am not playing games to get her. But yes, the fact that I was wounded for so many months while she marched merrily along with the "replacement", and now she asked who I'm talking to... And asks about them... Should I hold back that she's a beautiful, witty, cool psychiatrist that's finishing school at Harvard?? F- No! I let her know the truth, when she asked, about the rad girl who thinks I'm cool too. AM - what in the world is wrong with that. Yes, maybe I shouldn't be talking to my ex. But that's not your point. So if I am, am I supposed to lie, or downplay my happiness for her peace of mind? Please...
Author grace777 Posted April 18, 2013 Author Posted April 18, 2013 Ooops. Guess I opened a can of worms for you. Lol Sorry. Now TaraMaiden, destroyed, and AM have been sicked on you. And they dont seem to let up let up like me. Haha. Lol Cav Nah, it's all good, Cav. I just fb chatted with my ex. I didn't kill anyone. Hhaha 1
Author grace777 Posted April 18, 2013 Author Posted April 18, 2013 How did u meet new girl half way across the country? Your is a real piece of work. She wants to keep you around just in case her current relayionship doesnt work out. You have to go NC grace!! its time. Destroyed - I met her on Match. A month or two after my bu I wanted to get out in the game, so I (for the first time ever) joined match. She's actually the first person I met and the only one I still even talk to from the online dating world. The fact that she wasnt moving to my state till summer made it totally non-threatening and just fun. But now, flash forward 3 months and we're still in touch. And she'll be here soon. Very cool. And the best part is, that because of all the time, I'm actually ready to date someone for real. Whereas when I first met her, I just wanted a distraction. But the more I've gotten to know her, the more I like her. So we'll see.
Author grace777 Posted April 18, 2013 Author Posted April 18, 2013 One more thing - we were best friends for several years before dating and having a 3 year relationship. This girl is someone I love like family, not someone I'd ever jerk around or play games with. That's why it affects me when she's having a hard time. I want to help her. I know how deeply she absorbs disappointment and pain. That's why I posted this thread in the first place. So to imply that I was manipulative is insulting. I want to help her. But I don't want to get sucked back in. That was my point.
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