Ex of 1.5 Years Going to Counseling Because She Misses Me; I Miss Her Too

[BKC]

I still love her. I think she's the greatest. I bought her an engagement ring right before she called it off a year and a half ago. I had just started medical school in New York. She lives in Washington. The long-distance thing wasn't new for us, but prior to the move we had lived together in Seattle for about 6 months. Reasons for the breakup cited at the time:

 

"I'm not sure I want this bad enough."

"We have communication and co-dependency issues."

"I want to have fun."

 

The first six months nearly killed me. It was fascinating -- I've never hurt so bad for so long in my entire life. And as a result I kind of behaved like a wounded animal. I was unable to maintain limited communication. I was unable to refrain from getting angry when we spoke. And I consistently asked her to reconsider. Basically, I failed to give her the space she was seeking. Miserably.

 

After about a year I was mostly better. Still had some residual depression and I sought treatment for it. Still loved her a lot. But it was pretty easy for me to avoid reaching out to her. In fact, I was even able to avoid communication when she reached out to me. I saw other people. I had some fun. But I never really gave up hope that one day she might be willing to give me another chance.

 

Around Christmas (over a year after our breakup) she sent me a message saying that she was open to talking. I responded rudely.

 

About 5 months later, I finally have my anger and my need for her under control. It's so freeing. I'd be okay if I never got another shot at it. But I still have this completely idealized, perfect vision of her in my heart. I'd still be willing to give our relationship another shot. Indeed, I sometimes even get my hopes up about it.

 

Especially in the last two weeks. We've been writing, sharing information about our emotional states. She's still with another man (a fact that once drove me to break windows and scream and curse and cry like an infant for weeks at a time. But now I don't really care. He's probably totally lame). See it turns out that she's come to realize over the last 4 or 5 months that she misses me a lot. 1.5 years after our breakup she's still seriously grieving the loss of our relationship and feeling nagging concern about her future (her words).

 

We were close. We were best friends. We certainly had our issues, but we also had a lot going for us. The breakup came out of left field. It was like a bus that appeared out of nowhere; it hit me square on. I can certainly imagine her struggling with it even at this point, because I know how much it hurt me.

 

She says she's going to counseling to "make peace" with her grief and look for solutions. She says she would value a conversation about it after a little time has passed.

 

My response (in essence) -- "looky here; i'm sorry you're upset; your life is going to be great with or without me because you're awesome; i still love you; and when you look for solutions I hope you will consider involving me in the discussion because there's a big part of me that would love to be the man who loves you for the rest of your life; sorry i was a douche for the last year and a half; i have no excuse for that; let's talk when you're ready; goodluck."

 

So that's where we are. I asked her what "making peace" means (I had an idea, and it's not something to be optimistic about). As I suspected, she wants to be cool with the situation as is. Of course she didn't say it that way. What she said was that she "needs to let go of the grief."

 

I know there's basically no hope. And I would prefer it if no one responded here: "hey, you've got a shot buddy!" too much hope on this one would be bad for me.

 

But I also thought: "damn. this is a bizarre situation. i've never heard of anything quite like this. maybe I should share."

 

I sleep at night because I convinced myself that she never really loved me. But she thinks that she did and that she still does. I've done everything I can, right? I've asked to be given a chance. I've offered her support. I've apologized for struggling so much with my own pain and taking it out on her.

 

Thoughts? How should I prepare for the conversation that we might have in a month or so?

 

Danny P

[thefooloftheyear]

I still love her. I think she's the greatest. I bought her an engagement ring right before she called it off a year and a half ago. I had just started medical school in New York. She lives in Washington. The long-distance thing wasn't new for us, but prior to the move we had lived together in Seattle for about 6 months. Reasons for the breakup cited at the time:

 

"I'm not sure I want this bad enough."

"We have communication and co-dependency issues."

"I want to have fun."

 

The first six months nearly killed me. It was fascinating -- I've never hurt so bad for so long in my entire life. And as a result I kind of behaved like a wounded animal. I was unable to maintain limited communication. I was unable to refrain from getting angry when we spoke. And I consistently asked her to reconsider. Basically, I failed to give her the space she was seeking. Miserably.

 

After about a year I was mostly better. Still had some residual depression and I sought treatment for it. Still loved her a lot. But it was pretty easy for me to avoid reaching out to her. In fact, I was even able to avoid communication when she reached out to me. I saw other people. I had some fun. But I never really gave up hope that one day she might be willing to give me another chance.

 

Around Christmas (over a year after our breakup) she sent me a message saying that she was open to talking. I responded rudely.

 

About 5 months later, I finally have my anger and my need for her under control. It's so freeing. I'd be okay if I never got another shot at it. But I still have this completely idealized, perfect vision of her in my heart. I'd still be willing to give our relationship another shot. Indeed, I sometimes even get my hopes up about it.

 

Especially in the last two weeks. We've been writing, sharing information about our emotional states. She's still with another man (a fact that once drove me to break windows and scream and curse and cry like an infant for weeks at a time. But now I don't really care. He's probably totally lame). See it turns out that she's come to realize over the last 4 or 5 months that she misses me a lot. 1.5 years after our breakup she's still seriously grieving the loss of our relationship and feeling nagging concern about her future (her words).

 

We were close. We were best friends. We certainly had our issues, but we also had a lot going for us. The breakup came out of left field. It was like a bus that appeared out of nowhere; it hit me square on. I can certainly imagine her struggling with it even at this point, because I know how much it hurt me.

 

She says she's going to counseling to "make peace" with her grief and look for solutions. She says she would value a conversation about it after a little time has passed.

 

My response (in essence) -- "looky here; i'm sorry you're upset; your life is going to be great with or without me because you're awesome; i still love you; and when you look for solutions I hope you will consider involving me in the discussion because there's a big part of me that would love to be the man who loves you for the rest of your life; sorry i was a douche for the last year and a half; i have no excuse for that; let's talk when you're ready; goodluck."

 

So that's where we are. I asked her what "making peace" means (I had an idea, and it's not something to be optimistic about). As I suspected, she wants to be cool with the situation as is. Of course she didn't say it that way. What she said was that she "needs to let go of the grief."

 

I know there's basically no hope. And I would prefer it if no one responded here: "hey, you've got a shot buddy!" too much hope on this one would be bad for me.

 

But I also thought: "damn. this is a bizarre situation. i've never heard of anything quite like this. maybe I should share."

 

I sleep at night because I convinced myself that she never really loved me. But she thinks that she did and that she still does. I've done everything I can, right? I've asked to be given a chance. I've offered her support. I've apologized for struggling so much with my own pain and taking it out on her.

 

Thoughts? How should I prepare for the conversation that we might have in a month or so?

 

Danny P

 

I would be very cautious. See the items I bolded. These are what would concern me.

 

Its tough. On one hand yes, you might love her and want another shot, but how do you get over the fact that if she flipped on you once that she wouldn't do it again? That would be the part that would hold me back, especially if it happened the way you describe. And think about all that pain you had to endure. You want to start that process all over again? I certainly wouldnt.

 

On the other hand, you could just as easily go and find another woman and she will wind up doing the same thing this one did. Its maddening!

 

What were the circumstances behind her reaching out to you the first time(around Christmas)? Do you think she was just dumped and you were the fallback option?

 

Some red flags here, thats all.. Just proceed with caution.

 

TFOY

[BKC]

I appreciate the response.

 

I completely agree with you. Red flags abound. I went through a long period of anger and doubt about the legitimacy of our past relationship as a consequence of the red flags you pointed out:

 

1. Flippancy - the desire to have fun. i always got the impression that we were having fun.

2. Suddenness - it lent itself to the dismal interpretation that maybe there was some underlying infidelity

3. Insincerity, Dishonesty, or Self-delusion - I lost faith in her words. I started to believe that she couldn't have done the things that she did unless love was far less meaningful and privileged a word for her than she let on.

 

The first two issues no longer concern me. She didn't cheat. She happens to be sort of exceptionally beautiful and other men were constantly trying to take a crack at her -- even if I was standing 5 feet away. She was good at letting them down gently and we always laughed about it. However, she would have broken up with me because she was scared that she might be tempted to cheat. I also understand why she might have felt entitled to a little flippancy. After all, LDRs are very taxing. Our relationship would have quickly evolved into four years of hard work and an exercise in self-denial.

 

However I still struggle with the third issue. She says she loves me. But I'm not entirely sure that it means the same thing to her that it means to me. She's a little more modern and perhaps even a little more advanced.

 

Now, to answer your question, which is a very good one:

 

how do you get over the fact that if she flipped on you once that she wouldn't do it again? That would be the part that would hold me back, especially if it happened the way you describe. And think about all that pain you had to endure. You want to start that process all over again? I certainly wouldnt.

 

I get over it so much faster now. I'm distanced from it. I believe that the only way it could ever work is if I was completely prepared for (or expecting) her to leave again.

 

It's important to be very accepting when you love someone. You take them as they are. Otherwise it really can't be said that you love them at all. Love is acceptance. That's one of the things I've learned from all this.

 

Your other question about why she reached out to me... No, she wasn't dumped. She's been with the same guy since February of last year. She's still with him now. However, you're right to bring him up. I can't imagine she'd be talking to me if things with him were absolutely great. It is something to be concerned about: no one wants to be the fallback plan. I am not able to explain it well, but for some reason I don't see it that way. It's more like I was the plan and she's struggling with the fact that she's not completely satisfied with the fallback plans. I hope I'm not deluding myself about this.

 

It sounds like you have some experience with these matters. I appreciate your comment and I wish you the best in your romantic endeavors.

[Treasa]

She's with another guy. She may just not want to keep burning her bridges.

 

Regardless of whether you want to be a fallback guy or not, you ARE as long as she's with another guy.

[BKC]

What you say makes a lot of sense, and I appreciate it.

 

I try to distinguish between what's in her heart and her actions. But I suppose in the end all we can really be expected to care about are her actions. Perhaps I am less sane than I purport myself to be.

[LumberJack]

I try to distinguish between what's in her heart and her actions. But I suppose in the end all we can really be expected to care about are her actions. Perhaps I am less sane than I purport myself to be.

 

You can't know what's in her heart. Ever!

 

Remember when you thought you knew? You were both having fun, right?

Then out of left field...

 

She's with another guy. I think it's best if instead of focusing on *her* longings and actions you shift that focus back to yourself. How to live the best you can here and now and in the future. Your future.

 

Be strong. Rise again!

[SharkTooth]

I guess I can understand why you ask the question about preparing yourself for a possible conversation with her, but shouldn't that conversation come naturally, off the cuff, spontaneous? I envisioned the 2nd chance shot to be like you really don't even know this woman, you are starting from square one and enjoying the nervousness, being timid, silly, serious, funny, kind, and passionate. All the incredible emotions and feelings that come over you when you begin and see if there is a connection. To put it pretty simply, just be yourself. Don't over think it. You have changed and she has changed. The core of the person is still there but a year and a half is quite a bit of time.

 

I wish you the best