Too anguish

[clw]

Dear all..I need your valuable advise as I can longer think proper..I'm so close to losing my mind and senses, all i want is to end this pain and sufferring. My bf mentioned that he wanted to 'move on' , needed the time and space to remain single and start dating as we had no future and had various communication issues. That was in Feb but we didn't really 'ended' as he was still in touch with me and we even went on a vacation which was planned much earlier last year. After the vacation, i got pregnant and went for an abortion just last week as we both agreed on it (the pregnancy woulnd't change his mind about getting back together) He was with me during the procedure (perhaps to ensure i terminated the pregnancy). He 'disappeared' and we were in NC for 5 days. And out of the blue he text me if I was feeling alright. That same day my colleague saw him having dinner with a girl and out of frustration i called him (but did not mentioned about the dinner with the girl) and he started to text me that he still cared for me and wanted to help me go through this difficult period and if i wanted he could take me on a short vacation to clear my mind. He said i should call him anytime to talk about it..true he never ignored me or missed my calls when I needed him. But all these are mixed signals? Does it mean he still has feelings for me? I really do love him and want us to be back together but he said its been 2 years and nothing has improved and he has given up. But why is he still 'caring' towards me? Is that to ease his guilt? Perhaps I'm answering all my own doubts but I can't let go..it's so hard i'm breaking down every minute.

Please help me, let me know some advise. I will appreciate it more than anything. Thank you and have a good day.

CLW

[Echo000]

sorry for the tough time you are going through right now. The message is clear however- he does not want to be with you now or in the future. He is done and the chapter with you being apart of his life is no more. You need to know the truth, even though I know that is not easy to accept.

 

He is just contacting you out of guilt--he knows you are going through a really hard time (especially with that abortion) and he knows it has to do with him so he is trying to make you feel better in order to alleviate his guilt.

 

I am sorry for the difficult times...stay strong. See friends and family, keep busy. You will be getting this advice a lot.

[CompleteFailure]

I would have to agree with what Echo said.

 

The chances of you guys getting back together any time soon seem slim. I wouldn't advise waiting around for him.

[todreaminblue]

Dear all..I need your valuable advise as I can longer think proper..I'm so close to losing my mind and senses, all i want is to end this pain and sufferring. My bf mentioned that he wanted to 'move on' , needed the time and space to remain single and start dating as we had no future and had various communication issues. That was in Feb but we didn't really 'ended' as he was still in touch with me and we even went on a vacation which was planned much earlier last year. After the vacation, i got pregnant and went for an abortion just last week as we both agreed on it (the pregnancy woulnd't change his mind about getting back together) He was with me during the procedure (perhaps to ensure i terminated the pregnancy). He 'disappeared' and we were in NC for 5 days. And out of the blue he text me if I was feeling alright. That same day my colleague saw him having dinner with a girl and out of frustration i called him (but did not mentioned about the dinner with the girl) and he started to text me that he still cared for me and wanted to help me go through this difficult period and if i wanted he could take me on a short vacation to clear my mind. He said i should call him anytime to talk about it..true he never ignored me or missed my calls when I needed him. But all these are mixed signals? Does it mean he still has feelings for me? I really do love him and want us to be back together but he said its been 2 years and nothing has improved and he has given up. But why is he still 'caring' towards me? Is that to ease his guilt? Perhaps I'm answering all my own doubts but I can't let go..it's so hard i'm breaking down every minute.

Please help me, let me know some advise. I will appreciate it more than anything. Thank you and have a good day.

CLW

 

 

 

I am sorry that it didnt work out for you with this guy......exes can be often caring and considerate after time....does not mean however that getting back together is an option means though you might have a friendship at a later date....best wishes...deb

[clw]

sorry for the tough time you are going through right now. The message is clear however- he does not want to be with you now or in the future. He is done and the chapter with you being apart of his life is no more. You need to know the truth, even though I know that is not easy to accept.

 

He is just contacting you out of guilt--he knows you are going through a really hard time (especially with that abortion) and he knows it has to do with him so he is trying to make you feel better in order to alleviate his guilt.

 

I am sorry for the difficult times...stay strong. See friends and family, keep busy. You will be getting this advice a lot.

Thank you so much Echo000..i broke down as i read your message as everything you mention is excatly how things are, just my inability to accept the truth and move on and I want him to be by my side so much to get therough this period. Those this mean I should go total NC? I have no close friend to talk to about this and live only with my ailing mother and young son (from previous r/s). Thank you again.

[clw]

I would have to agree with what Echo said.

 

The chances of you guys getting back together any time soon seem slim. I wouldn't advise waiting around for him.

Thank you completefailure, yes it seem almost unlikely that we will be back together..i've asked many times and he said no but i'm so hopeful as i believe he still has feelings but then again, if he wanted me or us (the baby) he would have done so. It hurts so bad to lose him and the baby all at once and not having anyone to turn or talk to besides him. I've pined all my hopes, dreams and future on him alone and now it's all going to be gone. Thank you again.

[clw]

I am sorry that it didnt work out for you with this guy......exes can be often caring and considerate after time....does not mean however that getting back together is an option means though you might have a friendship at a later date....best wishes...deb

Thank you Deb for your kind words and well wishes. I don't know what to do now. Everything just hurts so bad and I can't possibly remain as friends after all we went through. I can't let go as well as I need care and support too. I'm so weak and helpless i know. Thanks again.

[Echo000]

Yea, it means you need to have no contact. at all. You cant have him by your side in order to get over him. Need NC. That will help you greatly.

[Chi townD]

I would STRONGLY recommend that you seek out individual counseling for yourself. You went through something very tramatic and I know you must feel very....lost. So, in my opinion, I think that talking to a professional will do you a world of good. We will all be here to support you and listen to you when you need to talk, vent, yell....whatever. But, as an advice forum, we can only do so much.

 

Things may seem pretty low at the moment. But, they will get better IF you let them. We are in charge of our own happiness and you can be happy again. But, you may need help finding that path that you can walk down to be happy.

 

And I want you to remember this. This may have been just one more heartbreak away from the person that you're truely meant to be with. He's out there looking for you. He just hasn't found you yet.

[clw]

I would STRONGLY recommend that you seek out individual counseling for yourself. You went through something very tramatic and I know you must feel very....lost. So, in my opinion, I think that talking to a professional will do you a world of good. We will all be here to support you and listen to you when you need to talk, vent, yell....whatever. But, as an advice forum, we can only do so much.

 

Things may seem pretty low at the moment. But, they will get better IF you let them. We are in charge of our own happiness and you can be happy again. But, you may need help finding that path that you can walk down to be happy.

 

And I want you to remember this. This may have been just one more heartbreak away from the person that you're truely meant to be with. He's out there looking for you. He just hasn't found you yet.

Thank you Chi townD, reading your words brought me comfort but broke me down as well. It makes so much sense and I'm thankful for your kindness.

Seeking professional help is not an option for me as it's costly here in my country and we don't get it free or subsidised, they are specialist. I would need to cope on my own..but the pain is torturing. Not to worry..i won't do anything silly, i have my son and mom to care for. Being happy is so far away from my mind now, i

just so badly want to forget and feel 'normal' again. I will try my best to go NC and walk away from him soon. Thank you so much.

[clw]

Yea, it means you need to have no contact. at all. You cant have him by your side in order to get over him. Need NC. That will help you greatly.

Thank you. I will read your message over and over to remind myself. But it will be so hard right now. There is no one else that knows of this and no one for me to turn to. And the fact that he is still showing 'concern' makes me need to keep going to him for support. I'm sorry i know it seem like you've given me advise but i'm not taking it, I will try my best and know that there is no other way then for me to be brave and walk away. I appreciate your time. Thank you.

[Echo000]

Thank you. I will read your message over and over to remind myself. But it will be so hard right now. There is no one else that knows of this and no one for me to turn to. And the fact that he is still showing 'concern' makes me need to keep going to him for support. I'm sorry i know it seem like you've given me advise but i'm not taking it, I will try my best and know that there is no other way then for me to be brave and walk away. I appreciate your time. Thank you.

 

Be patient with yourself. Recognize that you are not alone, even though it feels that way. Look at yourself in the mirror and find something to compliment yourself on.

 

Realize that the sh** you have just been through proves how strong a woman you are. Recognize that MANY people would be incapable of the things you have already overcome.

 

And appreciate yourself. Appreciate who you are, and be the woman you want to be for yourself and for your son. "EVERY FAILURE BRINGS WITH IT THE SEED OF AN EQUIVALENT SUCCESS". Napoleon Hill.

 

You ever need to talk and feel alone, send me a message on this website. I got nothing to gain out of this, except feeling happy to know that you are doing okay.

[siankat]

I just read the OP so, while i can't know why he is doing what he is doing, i know what letting him ease you through this tough time will do to you:

 

If you stop NOW, you only have the memories passed to torture your mind til you are feeling better and getting over him. If you CONTINUE to see him, you just fuel the fire of things to question, procrastinate over, torture yourself analysing etc

 

So really while you guys may be on holiday together, he will be doing it for his reasons, and you will be hoping something will happen to change his mind, possibly even micro-analysing everything that is said and done in a positive or negative light. That is just heaping a whole load more work onto your plate. How often has life shown us this was a waste of time as you can't achieve control of a situation by analysing it. Understanding a situation also doesn't bring complete peace as we seem to seek to understand in order to find the key to getting back to what we want (which is what we had).

 

All you can do is control your actions to start on a path to healing. My advice would be to thank him for his offer of support, but that you need to and will get through this without him. I do not know the people involved and nuances of the existing relationship patterns etc but this would be the best thing to do.

 

Now, it is soo easy to sit here and give advice when i used to be a train wreck and new nothing about getting over someone and made all the cardinal mistakes until recently so...if that is your bag too, do what you gotta do. Or, this could be one time when you think, i'll learn from other peoples mistakes and i will take the express train to recovery instead of the slow painful detour.

 

Funny thing is, when you are on the express train you THINK you are on the diverted one, ...until you actually change trains and get on the slow one and THEN you appreciate that other train so much more.

 

@Echo000 what is is with me and riddles today

Edited April 19, 2013 by siankat

[Echo000]

^^ haha you and the riddles! Yes ma'am

[clw]

I just read the OP so, while i can't know why he is doing what he is doing, i know what letting him ease you through this tough time will do to you:

 

If you stop NOW, you only have the memories passed to torture your mind til you are feeling better and getting over him. If you CONTINUE to see him, you just fuel the fire of things to question, procrastinate over, torture yourself analysing etc

 

So really while you guys may be on holiday together, he will be doing it for his reasons, and you will be hoping something will happen to change his mind, possibly even micro-analysing everything that is said and done in a positive or negative light. That is just heaping a whole load more work onto your plate. How often has life shown us this was a waste of time as you can't achieve control of a situation by analysing it. Understanding a situation also doesn't bring complete peace as we seem to seek to understand in order to find the key to getting back to what we want (which is what we had).

 

All you can do is control your actions to start on a path to healing. My advice would be to thank him for his offer of support, but that you need to and will get through this without him. I do not know the people involved and nuances of the existing relationship patterns etc but this would be the best thing to do.

 

Now, it is soo easy to sit here and give advice when i used to be a train wreck and new nothing about getting over someone and made all the cardinal mistakes until recently so...if that is your bag too, do what you gotta do. Or, this could be one time when you think, i'll learn from other peoples mistakes and i will take the express train to recovery instead of the slow painful detour.

 

Funny thing is, when you are on the express train you THINK you are on the diverted one, ...until you actually change trains and get on the slow one and THEN you appreciate that other train so much more.

 

@Echo000 what is is with me and riddles today

Thank you so much siankat for your time and valuable advise. I know what is the right thing to do but it is going to be so painful, I'm going to need so much courage to tell him I would want to go through this on my own. And i don't even know if that's what i want..now the only thing that keeps me going and 'happy' at times is to be able to talk to him. I'm so weak when in comes to this. But I'm going to take in all the advise given to me and slowly but surely I will be strong and walk away from this. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[clw]

Be patient with yourself. Recognize that you are not alone, even though it feels that way. Look at yourself in the mirror and find something to compliment yourself on.

 

Realize that the sh** you have just been through proves how strong a woman you are. Recognize that MANY people would be incapable of the things you have already overcome.

 

And appreciate yourself. Appreciate who you are, and be the woman you want to be for yourself and for your son. "EVERY FAILURE BRINGS WITH IT THE SEED OF AN EQUIVALENT SUCCESS". Napoleon Hill.

 

You ever need to talk and feel alone, send me a message on this website. I got nothing to gain out of this, except feeling happy to know that you are doing okay.

I'm so thankful that you've offered me to come to you if I need to talk..this is indeed a community of strong and kind people. Yes I'm going to have to do this for my son, even if not for myself. Why am i so afraid of the pain that I have to be going through..that i feel that i can't walk away from this person. I feel so helpless. At times i feel so much anger towards him for leaving me this way, at times, all I want is for us to be together again but i am slowly coming to terms that i do not need him in order to survive. I just have to go through the pain of it but at this point just can't figure out how i can be mentally strong for this. Thank you once again for all that you've advised me, it means so much to be hearing such good advise from strong ladies like all of you. It gives me courage and like you said, i'm not alone. Have a good day. (I apologise if my english is not good)