IronBane Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 Most stereotypical question ever for a forum like this. So this is the situation: There is a girl who I'm facebook friends with, about ten years ago I knew her in real life. We went to school together, so I knew her by name and she knew me, but we never hung out, never did anything together as friends or had any relationship beside knowing each other's name and occasionally normal small talk. Years ago, maybe 4-5, she friends me on facebook. Since then, occasionally she'll post stuff that I'm interested in and I would comment and we'd have brief conversations (not private messages.) It seems like often times when I post something on my own wall or a mutual friend's wall she will like it or respond in some way. So from all of those "public facebook" interactions I've just come to know we have some of the same interests/opinions on things. So recently she posted that she has a new job and will be coming to the city where I live for initial training. I post (public convo still) saying congrats and asking where she's working. She responds back w/a PM telling me where right away and when I notice it a few hours later I tell her we should go out for dinner and I could show her some of the sights in town while she's in. She says something like "that sounds great!" and gives me details about when she'll be in town and we agree to talk later to work out the specifics. It never really dawned on me until the next day that maybe she's under the impression I have asked her out on a date. And in truth, while I wasn't immediately thinking that (I actually wasn't thinking at all, I come from a small town and I guess I have a soft spot for the people I know from back there and was just being friendly to one of them who would be in the city even if they aren't someone I was friends with or anything) I do think she's attractive and just based on facebook we share some of the same interests. So I wouldn't be opposed to it being a date, but that wasn't necessarily my first thought either. Is it likely she's expecting this to be like a date? Where I sort of sit with it is, if she's not, I'm fine with that but if she took it as a date I'd want to also treat it like a date as I'd feel bad if she wanted it to be and I went about it as though it wasn't. This is honestly exactly why, in my adult life since graduating college I've not been part of the "casual" dating world. For me, if I want to go out with someone I ask directly and find out right then what's what, and go from there. But I've accidentally gotten into this situation now...
MoreThanThat Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 I've never been into dating myself - serial relationships! - so I can understand what you mean. Why don't you ignore the label of 'date' and just behave in accordance with how things seem to flow? Good luck!
CC12 Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 Is it likely she's expecting this to be like a date? Unless you've been flirting heavily on Facebook, I doubt she would think of this as a date. She might be wondering it, though, just like you are. What would you be doing differently if you did treat it as "a date"?
pyramid Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 I have been on two "is it a date or not a date" lunches with guys I've reconnected with via fb from my past. The first one, it was clear that it was not a date when he let me pay for the whole meal (it was a pay-at-the-counter place, so this was at the beginning). The second one, I thought it was a date, including him paying (sit-down restaurant) and the text from him right afterward that he'd love to see me again - but have heard nothing from him since then. You can't control what she thinks it is BEFORE you go, but you can definitely steer it in whichever direction you like during the meet up.
TheGuard13 Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 You can go on non-romantic dates. If you ask someone to lunch, dinner, etc, it's a date, regardless of whether there are feelings involved. 1
CryForNoOne Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 I answer every thread like this the same way. Even if its not a date it can become one. Don't worry about defining it. Just go with what feels right. The best approach when you aren't sure beforehand is to not put yourself in a situation that forces it to be a date (bring flowers) or not a date (show up in sweats)...
pyramid Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 The second one, I thought it was a date, including him paying (sit-down restaurant) and the text from him right afterward that he'd love to see me again - but have heard nothing from him since then. Spoke too soon. He asked me on a date (and used the word "date") today!
StanMusial Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 Most stereotypical question ever for a forum like this. So this is the situation: There is a girl who I'm facebook friends with, about ten years ago I knew her in real life. We went to school together, so I knew her by name and she knew me, but we never hung out, never did anything together as friends or had any relationship beside knowing each other's name and occasionally normal small talk. Years ago, maybe 4-5, she friends me on facebook. Since then, occasionally she'll post stuff that I'm interested in and I would comment and we'd have brief conversations (not private messages.) It seems like often times when I post something on my own wall or a mutual friend's wall she will like it or respond in some way. So from all of those "public facebook" interactions I've just come to know we have some of the same interests/opinions on things. So recently she posted that she has a new job and will be coming to the city where I live for initial training. I post (public convo still) saying congrats and asking where she's working. She responds back w/a PM telling me where right away and when I notice it a few hours later I tell her we should go out for dinner and I could show her some of the sights in town while she's in. She says something like "that sounds great!" and gives me details about when she'll be in town and we agree to talk later to work out the specifics. It never really dawned on me until the next day that maybe she's under the impression I have asked her out on a date. And in truth, while I wasn't immediately thinking that (I actually wasn't thinking at all, I come from a small town and I guess I have a soft spot for the people I know from back there and was just being friendly to one of them who would be in the city even if they aren't someone I was friends with or anything) I do think she's attractive and just based on facebook we share some of the same interests. So I wouldn't be opposed to it being a date, but that wasn't necessarily my first thought either. Is it likely she's expecting this to be like a date? Where I sort of sit with it is, if she's not, I'm fine with that but if she took it as a date I'd want to also treat it like a date as I'd feel bad if she wanted it to be and I went about it as though it wasn't. This is honestly exactly why, in my adult life since graduating college I've not been part of the "casual" dating world. For me, if I want to go out with someone I ask directly and find out right then what's what, and go from there. But I've accidentally gotten into this situation now... Apparently she is a casual acquaintance... and one you haven't seen in 10 years. So there is some catching up to do maybe and she is going to be in your city for professional reasons and doesn't know anyone there but you. Maybe just take it for what it is at first - showing someone around town. If she's attractive maybe you'll get a chance to turn the visit into something more... that just depends on how you two get along.
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